>be me
>argue with my mother as a kid
>wish she would die
>she actually dies from cancer when I was in 5th grade
>took me years to realize she's actually gone, more so because nobody took me to the hospital to see her in those final years
>she probably didn't want to be remembered like this
>smile and optimism are gradually gone and I become a different kid
>more quiet and I start getting bullied more though I always had been
>6th grade
>my father is dating some other girl
>he plays nice a lot of the time but has some huge outbursts of anger
>one time come back from english lesson
>go to bathroom
>there's a marble statue in the bathtub, head and torso
>still remember it vividly and it looked like pic related
>his gf is there and she's awake, he's asleep
>he wakes up and goes to the bathroom, sees statue
>asks me if I picked it up and brought it there
>no I didn't
>he starts making a huge fuss over it
>hits me, keeps shouting for me to admit what i did
>puts a ton of my belongings and cd's in a bag to throw them away, threatens me in different ways, the whole package
>keeps saying i mustn't be a liar and all i have to do is admit it and he'll stop
>i didn't want to lie to get out of the situation and i kept insisting i didn't bring it there
>after hours of enduring it i can take it no longer and I just say yes when he asks me again
>he stops
>everything goes back to normal he's instantly all nice again gives me back my shit etc
>the gf was a quiet observer through the whole thing, i kind of thing she might have asked me to admit it too at some points but i'm not sure anymore
>still go through this event and analyze it in my head to this day
>still can't make a conclusion on what exactly happened and how it has affected me as a person
>but i can't
>stop
>thinking about it
Be me
>lived in a bad neighborhood through all these years
>primary school was rough
>was sent to hospital on multiple occasions after being beat up, one time for 2 weeks and I had to have a surgery
>high school was looking like it'd be even rougher
>the tough foreign kids started forming gangs
>I heard about beatings that left children crippled
>was weak nerdy quiet kid and got threatened a lot
>some kids told me that there was this one girl who'd spend the entirety of the school breaks just looking at me from the balcony
>kept wondering about her
>one time on a national celebration day the school was holding an event, people talking on stage
>i was talking with someone and apparently i used a swear word loudly
>a teacher heard and told me that's unacceptable and i'll have to bring my father to school so she can talk to him
>i know my father would be fucking furious to have to leave work and come to school because of something i'd done
>this had somehow happened before in primary school when some tough kids almost threw a girl off a balcony and pinned it on me
>the police actually came to school and wrote my name down that day
>memories of that event hit me and i realize if my father hears about this i'm done for
>that was when i first considered suicide, age 12
>i avoid it for as long as possible but every time i run into the teacher she ominously reminds me
>some of the gang kids take notice of that and believe i've done something really bad
>they threaten to kill me after school one day
>around that time my father hooks up with my mother's best friend
>they decide to marry and move to a different neighborhood
>new school
>i get away from this all
>it's a much better neighborhood, no more ghetto school
>realize every bond i'd ever had was with kids who would beat me up on occasion and come to my house just to steal my belongings
>cut ties with everyone from the old days
>it's a new life, grades improve
>but all the feels remain
>never talked to that one girl
This seems difficult to believe. If it's a story from you, it's not bad
This shit seems like its going to be a fucking depressing story, does it at least have a happy ending? And how old are you now?
>decide to be somebody new
>grow my hair long, stop eating to get thin again, throw away my glasses and start listening to metal and wearing metal shirts
>i'm still the weird quiet kid i just look different
>still a couple bullies that want to fuck my shit up, they're over 18 and jump into school to terrorize me
>they also threaten me with beatings and sometimes I have to sneak out of school early to avoid them
>i go to net-cafes as often as i can and develop relationships with people online because fuck the real world
>remember my mother would show me some amv's she would download on emule and i take up editing hoping one day i could make something she might've liked
>have a couple "friends"
>one seems like a nice kid but he steals my ps2 games like the other kids would do
>had online "gf"s. might've had 1-2 real dates total but they were complete disasters
>gaming intensifies
>around probably 14 i start spending time on Jow Forums
>/b/ was at its peak then (2005), witnessing the birth of meme's, firing muh lazors with a ddos program, raiding camwhores with shoe on head, all those good times
>best thing that had happened to me
>reach the end of high school
>have horrible grades
>try to make some effort for the final exams so i can go to a uni because my father would kill me if i didn't make it
>dream of taking my editing to the next level and making movies but i never talk to him about it because i can't tell him shit, i'm terrified of him
>he says i'm spending my entire life on computers so my uni should be computer related
>mhm
>i actually make it into a telecom uni in a different town
>he helps me move there and pays for me to stay there
>i'm now living in a different town and supposed to be studying
>think of all the possibilities
>going to be somebody new, meet people, live the life
>reality is much different
>depressing as fuck empty home
>try to go to uni a few times and the social aspect of it just devastates me
>that's when i shut myself in entirely
>beaten, 2 weeks in the hospital and surgery
>blamed for other people almost killing someone and police believed
>threatened to be killed
>said one swear word and faggot teacher was mad in fucking high school
Holy shit, are American high schools really that shitty? I knew it was shit but wtf
>it's mmo's and Jow Forums for me
>i make 2-3 acquaintances
>the ones from my uni are probably just interested in me because i'm a weirdo shut-in with a horrible mess of a house and they come to visit me and give me weed so they can tell others about the weirdo
>known as the asocial weirdo in town
>have a normie girl acquaintance too that i go out with sometimes
>every time i do i wish i was back home holy shit the outside world sucks
>one of my acquaintances is my stepmom's manic-depressive friend in his 50s
>he seems to kind of understand something is seriously wrong with me but who knows
>he has a radio show
>he recommends me to the radio show people and i actually get my own
>i do it 2-3 times before i start calling in sick every time, eventually they stopped calling
>every time the phone or the bell would ring i would absolutely panic
>i think these were actual panic attacks thinking back on it
>my online life grows increasingly complicated, i start posing as a girl
>i don't really want to be a girl and I refuse to get gifts and shit because I find that immoral, I just want the attention I don't think my male counterpart is worth and it's easy to get it online that way
>one time my stepmom's manic depressive friend hooks me up with a girl who is batshit insane
>she's a beautiful blonde, she's super religious and i think schizophrenic
>she seems to be very interested in me
>I like the fuck out of her but after seeing her 1-2 times and being as awkward as you would expect, being that it's just a short break from my online reality,I give up
>we were supposed to meet and I had fallen asleep randomly and the phone scared the shit out of me
>she never called again
>have the hots for my female acquaintance
>sometimes she jokes about sexual stuff we would do and I play along but it was all just words
>one time we were black out drunk and we made out
>after that night we just went back to normal
>maybe i should've went to her place,she lived next door but i didn't
it's true
you tell me, i don't feel happy but it gets much better from here on out. thoughi'm not sure if anyone is interested in it. just had to get shit off my chest, never done so
i'm in eu. bad neighbourhoods aren't a US exclusivity
that teacher made no sense. i guess she either saw me as a good kid that shouldn't be affected by others and that was her way of trying to help (and she couldn't possibly know about what my father would be like), or she had no sense of what was going on in and around that school.
may continue might not
90% shitty story
But the mom part was decent.
It really do be like that sometimes user
M8 you are around 29 years old now, maybe its your last chance to try to change into a more normal person that contributes to society, so you have to decide if you want to go full NEET or you want to change for the supposed better.
Or you can just end it all if you feel like it, its your life.
this part might be more interesting to Jow Forums, background considered, if I didn't give the background you guys would BTFO me though
>meet a girl through a foreign online friend who is from my country
>she's early 30s, religious virgin, shut-in that lives away from civilization
>really cute face, very smooth skin but pretty chubby
>we talk more and more
>i think she may be into my friend but she's totally into me and shows it more and more
>after months she comes from the other side of the country to visit me and stay with me for days
>we live together for over a week and I find myself being extremely affectionate when I'm with her
>the awkward asocial autist becomes a different person in the warm presence of someone he likes
>cuddle all day and spend lovey dovey time together
>we both believe these days to be the best of our lives
>when I first saw her from up close I got a strange tingly feeling of judgement, a feel of oh she's chubbier than I expected
>but it soon goes and I start seeing her as my ideal
>we don't have sex these days but we do a lot of sexual stuff
>this happens again a few times
>eventually with her help I decide to drop uni and the shut-in life and move back with my parents
>that was one of the hardest times in my life
>first time I visited a psychiatrist, was barely able to tell him like 5% of what's in this thread and he still gave me shit loads of pills
>I took them for one week and ditched them
>father was devastated over these wasted years
>would have 100% an hero'd when the time came to move back if i didn't have love to hold on to, as I had planned for many years
>oh shit now that i dropped uni i now have to do army service
>people are trying left and right to avoid the army, getting fake papers from psychologists and they still fail
>i don't have shit so i guess it's time
>i don't think about it much and i'm like yeah wtf do i have to lose i've got nothing in my lfie anyway so might as well
>i go
>have a mental breakdown on day1
>thankfully the army's psychiatrist had seen through me and told me i can visit him any time
>i go and tell him i changed my mind i can't handle it
>he sends me home the next day
>there was normies there that had psychiatrist papers that said all sorts of crazy shit about them and they failed to get a leave
>I had nothing and they sent me away
>I realized then how much my depression and mental ill shows, I thought I could pass as normal
>go back, father is devastated cause he's an army-loving guy how could his son do this to him yadda yadda
>godfather helps me go to film school to move on with my life
>start film school, start meeting people and becoming a bit more social, talk to gf (who is in a different town and i rarely see) less and less
>she feels abandoned and betrayed
>eventually she moves to my town
>I move in with her, at first we live with a couple others then we live alone
>we eventually have some half-assed sex but she's insanely scared of pregnancy, like it's an actual phobia, so we rarely do shit
>i can look over it for a long time but gradually it gets worse and worse
>it sounds so good on paper, we lost our virginities together, pure and loving relationship, sounds like the Jow Forums dream
>in practice it's so much different
>the more we're together the more I realize this isn't going to be much of a sexual relationship
>we go through months at a time without doing sexual shit, she really doesn't care for it at all and even though i'd never even had the opportunity to do it before that fucks me up
>we start arguing all the time, she's really intense
>i can't find a job so most of the money we live on is hers
>she hit me after some arguments, some times i packed my bags and left but always came back, there was no life outside this as far as i knew
>at least film school was decent and i was finally socializing a bit
>life at home was rough but we both felt it was real love and kept looking over the difficulties
>i discover mdma
>i go out on weekends and i dance my heart out in places that play music i grew up with (dark shit my mother liked)
>not interested in hitting on girls and even if i was i wouldn't know how to do it
>i'm that one guy dancing his heart out in the middle alone all night then leaves alone
>it's my getaway from the harsh reality at home where we just argue all the time
>eventually make my first couple movies
>one the night i'm screening one of them, i meet a girl who's come to watch it
>she's all alone and i believe she's the most beautiful person i've ever seen
>barely and autistically introduce myself to her because of some common friend
>i don't talk to her the rest of the night and avoid looking at her
>add her on faceshit (i've made a fake name one with no pics to keep up with film school activities)
>she's secluded from the world, a poet and a musician
>out of my league
>like one year passes before i send her a message asking for a movie recommendation
>we start talking from there
>we talk more and more
>after gf goes to sleep i just talk to this girl all night
>she's coming to my town for her first concert
>we agree to meet up
>not expecting anything sexual but i'm interested in being close to her she's insanely interesting
>don't even realize it's a date
>it starts out shitty at a place with bad music but we gradually just leave and walk around the streets talking and talking
>we bond more than anyone would expect, we cry together, she sings to me etc
>eventually it's over and we go home, no kiss
>we gradually get closer and on a drunk night before her concert i confess my feelings
>she pretends to not care and runs off and dances with someone else
>at this point i'm sending my gf goodbyes because i want to kms
>after the night is over i say goodbye and leave in another direction
>she finds me and sits with me through the early morning hours
>we end up kissing a lot
>i think it's just pity kisses but i would later realize they weren't
>she leaves and goes back to the town she's supposed to be studying in
>she's in uni much like I was and living the shut-in life much like I was
>i break up with gf and move back in with parents instantly, I can't even see her again after falling so hard in love
>there's a movie festival in that town
>i beg my grandmother to give me money to go
>I go
>we stay together for days, sleeping in the same bed, going to movies together
>we do some things i never thought would feel so good like breathing in and out of each other's mouths
>a few days later we first make love
>it was the most mindblowing thing i'd ever felt
>nothing like i'd done with previous gf
>when I got inside I came in literal seconds
>she loved that
>eventually I learned to last more and the more sex we had in one day the more I could last
>still had many difficulties and often tried to think about things that would prevent me from cumming
>so I would literally be having the most amazing-feeling sex I could imagine while thinking about getting beat up in school, my father hitting my mother, me as a 6 year old intentionally breaking my hand on glass etc
>either way was the most amazing time in my life
>after that we were together
>we never argued once
>we made a movie
>she moved back in with her parents like i'd done
>i visited her a lot there, her parents were ok with it
>there was some crazy shit like mental breakdowns where she would throw away her shit running in the streets, break her door, want to lay in bed all day etc but 90% of the time just being with each other was fulfilling enough for us to not want anything else
>we both worked on our arts both separately and together and we found the strength to do that through being together
>in the meantime old gf ditched her job and moved back to her village
>she also developed a health problem
>sometimes thought about her and it just wrecked me
>couldn't possibly feel like it was a bad choice to leave her but she had been so dependent on us
C'mon user, continue your story
>at every one of her concerts my mind is blown
>she's the absolute ideal in my eyes I find her perfect
>sometimes she would get unreasonably jealous out of nowhere
>I suspected she had sex with an ex of hers so I might have been unreasonably jealous too
>one night I found out she kissed some guy
>I tried to play it cool and not overreact but that haunted me forever after
>sometimes I would try to talk to her about it but she didn't want to
>she got me to meet him, the three of us at his house
>he was a junkie artist and really interesting, we clicked but i didn't want to see him again regardless
>anyway we were together for a long time, 1 and a half year (previous gf was 3 years), before this next thing happened
>there was some dress up parties around town
>I got some nostalgia for the days I would go out clubbing with drugs
>I wanted her to come with me, we used to go out but gradually she just decided she just wanted to stay home
>that was our first kind-of-argument and the first time i decided to do my own thing and i left her at home and went alone
>during the night a girl from film school messaged me
>we had gone out a few times over months and spent some nights together after live shows and we never spoke much but she was cool
>she'd dressed up as a nun and was showing me her costume
>invited me to some party
>i didn't like the music that'd be playing there so i told her we could meet up in the morning
>she said ok
>she was taking drugs in her party too
>we actually did meet up in the morning
>was a strange morning
>she invites me to her place, we go
>we look at each other until we end up sleeping
>we wake up and listen to music together
>she rubs my hand and i rub her hair a little
>we're both not too great at all this
>we end up cuddling and hugging and kissing
>we stay there together for like 2 days
>at the final half hour before she has to go to work we almost have sex but i stop
>i leave her a note in story-form about the fact i'm with someone
Continue, dude
this is a originalo comment
>i talk about this with my friends
>they think my current gf is really weird and asocial and secluded and isn't doing me good so they're in favor of a change
>but I'm still so in love with her but really confused
>I have bitter feelings from all these years of being alone
>I was no longer pure so why not have more sex I'll never know what it's like if I stick with her
>I also know she's had lots of guys before me so I get jealous of that and feel I deserve to live my life too
>so I meet up with girl again and we do have sex
>it's really good but it's just not the same
>it's not the same with other gf either because i've betrayed her
>eventually stop talking to her as much and start going out with new one more and more
>she actually wants to go out with me, all the time, do drugs etc, i've never even had a friend to do these things with me and i love that
>confused as fuck i don't know what i want anymore
>i eventually leave poet-musician gf
>new one is a sex addict
>never had the feelings to make the sex perfect but the quantity more than made up for it
>she was also depressed but much more normal, showed her depression less, worked, was fun to be around, went out with me all the time
>but something was amiss
>was still in love with previous girl and feeling more and more like she was perfect to be with forever
>but i'd now fucked it all up
>oh shit fuck this is nothing like the first time
>i really did fuck up this time
>we eventually talk with old gf, she never had betrayed me or cheated on me
>she really was the perfect gf and i just ditched her to have more sex
>she started going out a LOT looking for me, messing around with guys to get to me etc
>it's been 10 months now
>i'm still seeing new girl a lott
>but it feels so shallow in comparison
>i've had so much time to compare it but my feelings haven't changed
>her feelings haven't changed either - she tells me she's never and will never be herself again without me, can't be creative anymore etc
this story sux
so I, an autistic shut in ugly piece of shit, found my perfect match
my ideal
the one I knew then and still know I should've stayed with forever
and I threw it away because I was bitter and wanted to fuck more.
now you know the whole story, tell me I'm not a piece of shit.
spoiler: you can't
tell me you can't just simply go back with previous gf and are just writing this to get attention and/or are making this up
spoiler: you can't
i doubt she'd ever want me back after i betrayed her in this manner and acted like that to her, and she's right not to.
i had my chances and i made my choice, so that's out of the question now
The best part of your story was the statue one, the rest was kind of strange, but I wish you luck in your future with this sex crazy girl OP and hopefully you can go back to your NEET old gf because she probably needs you.
Well then just try and you won't have to doubt anything. you fucked up, and there are two possibilities:
She takes you back and everybody's happy
She doesn't and you are punished for being a disloyal and lustful creature. Make sure to learn something from the whole experience ad never do it ever again. Then you can just move on
listen, you seem nice enough and I hope you can get back with her, but if you think complaining on r9k and asking people to tell you you're a piece of shit won't change anything. Be strong, go out there and apologies for all the wrong you've done, then ask her if she's ready to forget you.
i kind of wanted to make a thread just for the statue story but somehow ended up writing my life story. i'm desperate and can't stop thinking about her
i will try. now that i've been seeing new girl for so long i would, again, feel awful for ditching her to go back to neetgirl even though i know it's probably the right thing to do. we had the deepest communication and she needs me so much.
but the new girl is not a non factor. it's been almost a year now. she may be shallow and all but honestly we get along so well. infinite sex, we go out, we play vidya, we do all sorts of things. we always have a nice time together and she gets my mind off things, i'm less depressed than ever when i'm with her. she makes me feel normal and i feel so ungrateful. because after a year i still can't get my mind off neetgirl and what could have been.
and i get urges to just fuck it all up with both of them because i don't deserve any of it. a man who wants everything should get nothing