Tfw want to be a us army soldier but have schizophrenia

Like a 30,000 pop. Why?

Have you ever stopped and wondered why you wanna be a soldier? Think about it deeply, what drives you towards it? How long have you felt this need? What were you like when you first thought about it?

I'm saying this because I also had this kind of strong urge to be something only to realize later I didn't really want it. Like I wanted to be a cop when I was little, but that was because I was small and weak, the youngest of three siblings, and what I really wanted was respect, power and safety. I also wanted recognition, be a hero in the eyes of my father, be praised and make him feel proud, so I could be proud, and make for the affection he never gave me. That drove me to want to be a cop, because police career on itself is shit,is a horrible job, pays badly, extremely stressful, fucks you in the head and may get you killed. There's no real good reason to wanting to be a cop, same as there's no good reason for wanting to be a soldier, what you really want is something else, its an illusion.

Moreover, getting this power, or recognition and praise, wouldn't make me happy, would just please others,but my inner tormoil wouldn't be resolved, I would still be lying to myself and therefore wouldn't be complete, because the validation of my ego would be externalized, I would be living to please my father and my brothers and the people around me, not myself, and would only cause me further suffering because I wouldn't be fulfilling my true self, I would be fulfilling others desires, I would be fulfilling a destiny imposed on me by others, not what my heart and nature truly desired. Same thing goes for being a doctor for praise and status, same thing would go for being a lawyer for money and power, it is not me, it wouldn't be you to.

So what? What to do? Start looking whitim yourself and asking you the big questions, "who are you?" And "what do you want?" Thats the only way of breaking free of the cycle of destruction, hate and desire that's been imposed on you.

I dont believe in freudian psychology. I want to feel the satisfaction of shooting someone and killing them. I could also be able to say im a war veteran. I would be respectable.

Great reply user, and nice addressing of the slave morality that runs deeply in those kinds of jobs. Many people dont realise that all their lifes are turned around validation from others and to satisfy their views.

Sounds like the kind of guy they would shush when asking about mental health. By that, I mean a guy that they would favor in putting on the front line infantry. I'm a low life pleb myself, so don't take it harshly

I dont know freud or psychology, I came to these conclusions thinking about my lofe and my problems, it was a long painful process. I really indeed felt weak,I really wanted to please my father, its not really abstract complex concepts, it's who I am.

All I'm saying is for you to try to think about yourself, try to find out why you feel thia urges, and maybe that will help you. Thats it, no need to psycjology or philosophy, just think about yourself, your life, your choices and the consequences. Why do you want to kill people? Do you think that would make you hapoy? Or you watched too much edgy anime anime and games/movies and want to be an edgy villain? Do you think that will make you happy? Do you think that will make the pain you feel stop? Do you think that will make up for all the suffering other people imposed on you? You won't be killing your bully from school, you'll be killing a poor son of a bitch low life fighting for his life in a shithole country, and a conflict he didn't start and had nothing to do with it, he's there just to survive and protect his people, one day you'll realize that and it will destroy you, thats what you want for your life? Do you think PTSD doesn't exist? What about all veteran that commit suicide? You mind us already frail, this whole thing would jusy bring you more pain and suffering.
Instead why dint you try to find peace and happiness? Why don't you try to find joy and fulfillment? Why seeking death and hate? I really think you should ask yourself these questions, and the ones I asked before, discover who you truly are, you true passion,your true self, what would really makes you happy and bring you joy, and go for it, instead of seeking your own destruction. Forget the past, it happened and cannot be changed, accept and learn from it,actually dont forget because you have to remember to learn lessons, instead let go, let the hate and the pain go and free yourself from it, you deserve it, and instead look into future

Thanks mate, but unfortunately I think I'm not getting through to OP, he doesn't seem to want to listen. But I agree with you that most people dont even realize that define their whole lifes around validation of others, and that this only brings them more pain and suffering, I guess we are the lucky ones. Watching others helped me a lot to come to these conclusions. I just wish OP would snap out of this terrible idea.

>all these typos
I fucked up bad, sorry OP, I wrote fast to make sure you were still here, but end up fucking it up. Hope you can understand whats written.

OP hasn't really responded a lot lately...

Don't be a dick, dude needs help.

Ill give a long reply give me one second.

Im 21, my homicidal ideation has gone on and off since age 16. In junior year i had a calculator thrown at my eye, drilled in the chest with a calculator. I started developing sympathy for serial killers and watching dexter. Then summer before senior year my dad died and i saw it, carried his dead body in my arms, attempted cpr, my mom had already been dead since i was 7. Senior year age 17 i really wanted to kill people. One day on my way home from school i was behind a guy and considered picking up a boulder and smashing his head in. I didnt because i knew id get caught. Was full of rage. Then age 18 out of high school a marine recruiter contacted me. I told him i would enlist in the event of war. Then i was watching videos of green berets on youtube months later and decided i wanted to go into the army, become a ranger, then try out for special forces. An army recruiter contacted me. I was in the enlistment process. I remember being at meps and another recruit may have said (although it may have been a hallucination) "he looks like hes joining just to kill people". I did have a fucked up facial expression a lot. Weeks later, imonths away from going to boot camp, i had a psychotic episode and got locked up and diagnosed with schizophrenia. I remember the special forces thing was because i knew id get to kill people, not aware of the deployments to syria and shit that regular grunts are doing. Then i got out and contacted my recruiter and basically cant get in. Not with a diagnosis or history of mental illness or history of medication. The homicidal ideation is gone nowadays really. The killing people thing is just a feeling of satisfaction i know id get from shooting and killing someone. I dont have the perpetual rage or hatred anymore and most people describe me as a chill guy. Its more i had dreams of joining the army and i was actually fucking doing it but now my plans and dreams and actions are ruined for life and i cant do anything about it.

Well, thats fucked up, the whole thing I mean. But its pretty clear to me that the happenings in the begging of your post is what triggered your desire to kill, it seemed you want revenge on those who hurt you,on nature itself for the destiny you suffered with your losses, and that you wanted power, strength, and security, I felt those things too for similar reasons, but they faded with time, but you gotta learn how to let go of those feelings and desires.

I'm glad you dont feel the killing urge like before, and maybe you were lucky not to go to the army, who knows, it sounds like a hell hole to me. Thats what's funny about life,our plans dont usually come out as planned, but good things can come of it, maybe you escaped a terrible fate.

About your diagnosis, search for a second opinion, psychiatric system in the U.S is fucked, maybe they got it all wrong. Did you use drugs? Weed? Maybe it was drug induced psychosis, I seen it happen. And even if it is schyzo, its not the end of the fucking world, at least you still have two hands and a dick to choke, cheer up, medication can make you pretty normal and you may be able to enjoy yourself, even do soul searching and find yourself, who you truly are, not a killer driven by tragedy.

Forget this whole army ordeal, its over, focus on your future, in finding yourself, in discovering what you really like. Go be happy, or try to, or learn to, let go of your past and look into the future, or grab those NEETBUX from the government, I dont know, only you can search inside yourself and find out who you are and what you really want, so go do it.