Feels Thread

>Until finally a friend of mine told her how i felt behind my back after me going to vent to him a few times about the whole thing.

Holy shit, scratch that one up as a painful lecture to never open up again.
Who needs foes with friends like that?

I know what it's like not getting that one perfect girl. I've been alone for a very long time, which is why I'm working on myself. Going to the gym as much as I can, eating better, that kind of stuff. But I can't seem to make people happy. I'm always gloomy. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wake up with a scowl on my face. I genuinely like people, I really do, but I can't find a reason to smile anymore. Maybe it's not anything that I can control, maybe it's just part of growing up, but going in and out of work every day, performing business as usual, sitting at the bar drinking, I just can't smile like I used to.

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>She mocks me now.

You didn't need her anyways, user. Anyone who would mock you for being honest with how you feel isn't worth your time.

It's true. She wasn't and isn't. But I showed her my true self and a lot of my past that others haven't known, and now im just a joke to her.

I really felt and still honestly feel, that I have no worth in the eyes of those around me. I tell myself that this serves as motivation to accomplish more, and to become more disciplined with my emotions but the shove was enough to knock me down, even if it was in the right direction.

Fuck, would be lying if I said I've never been there. This is the shit that sends you off the deep end. My advice would be to avoid her at all cost. Also getting some revenge on your "friend" would be pretty good too.

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my only friend died of lung cancer 3 months ago

>But I showed her my true self and a lot of my past that others haven't known

Well that's your biggest mistake, for sure. Now you'll know not to do that ever again, but damn.

I want to tell stories but I'm unmotivated because of depression

All other people ever do is hurt me. I'm tired, I want off. My heart is shut down and I don't think this will change.

I actually disagree with this advice. Senior year of high school I started "dating" a good friend's cousin. The reason I used the quotation marks is because over the course of the fall semester we got closer and closer and it culminated in some very comfy end of summer/beginning of autumn Saturday afternoons spent in the back of her old van with the back seats down just laying back and talking. I didn't say too much because I was genuinely infatuated, and she had worse problems in her life than I did at the time. After the second or third time, she told me she was "touch-starved" and asked if she could hold my hand. A couple months later and every day after my last class she was following me to my car and blushing a lot, talking about whatever came to mind for a few minutes (she had lunch, I left early). Then, after a bit of light teasing from a classmate, I ended our conversation with "Bye, see you tomorrow -- love you". She turned bright red and said "I love you too" right back, with slight hesitation. She eventually would say it first every day, and would sometimes even call me before bed to tell me "good night, love you user". I'm going to gloss over the part where hurricane Matthew 2017 made landfall right over her fucking house, which I put a roof on entirely by myself (alcoholic parents didn't care), and get to the part where we got even more intimate. Because her mental shit was demonstrably worse, I wasn't asking the hard questions, wasn't if she really did love me. Over time she would let me lay with my head in her lap because she liked petting my thick hair, and eventually she gave me head a couple times, both of which were followed with "I love you"s thrown about.

Then, right before my birthday, she said she meant "I love you" platonically every time. Now I never lie if I can help it. It's been three years and I'm still hung up on her late at night. If I had been more open earlier I wouldn't have been this hurt. Always be genuine

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I was home for christmas and made some stupid joke about beating girls on campus with my mom that I laughed at for once. And it was a good laugh, made my mom cry because I don't smile anymore either.

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To tie it up character limit she offered to have real sex with me on my birthday that week. I declined. I stopped saying what I felt and ignored her for half a week because I was legitimately planning to get her out of her shitty home and into mine (my dad did the same thing and told me he would support my decision), but all that shit was thrown out the window the second she sent that text. It was a massive communicative error on both ends and while I'm no longer mad about it I'm still hurt by it. I can't trust women anymore, and I know it's pathologically bad at this point. I rejected three other girls once I got to college first year, but luckily my health has deteriorated to the point where I actually don't have enough hours in the day to mope around about it.

What I'm getting at as my sleeping medication takes its hold is to always be as genuine and authentic to everyone in ordinary life. You aren't in some fucking war zone. Tell the damn truth. It might go south a few times but I personally much prefer to learn from clear mistakes over nebulous ones. If you ever get another oneitis, be honest with her and yourself when it's appropriate. If she mocks you, so be it. At least you know what to work on (she'll tell everyone your flaws, which is a benefit in a way). Don't just ghost her and live with that regret for years.

Baker I hope you're okay. I still love you, even if you don't/can't understand what I mean by that

I wish things were different, user. I wish the world were like we imagined it to be when we were kids. Yeah, the world as I wanted it to be... when I was young.

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I just wish my dad/mom hadn't let me become a fat obnoxious fuck and weren't so adverse to getting my autism/ADHD/bipolar II checked out before I turned 18. I try not to frame it this way but now I'm just venting. I lost all the weight, but I ended up with carpal/cubital tunnel syndrome by the end of senior year. I got both surgeries done after 3 years of constant neuropathic pain on the left arm, and things only got worse. I'm in therapy now and have improved a bit, but I still don't have friends, my right arm is full of pain, I can't tell where the left one is and it can lift 5 pounds max, and I changed my major at uni to audio tech. I got fucking robbed of the only thing I was good at (music) and now nobody but this old lady I talk to at PT is proud of me; I literally am useless.

But hey... at least I know what it's like to actually struggle, and even though my uncle died alone with me last year from brain cancer I have his spare work hat he gave me that I wear every day. So it doesn't get to me when the black kids last year at the mandatory white guilt class assumed I lived on cloud nine and verbally called me a nazi on account of my New Balances. Shit dude I need to leave I'm crying so fucking hard like a little loser bitch and that's not who I'm trying to become. I hope you trip light through trouble fren. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow, get my work boots and D's hat on, and cut some damn good keys and forget about everything while I do so.

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>crying so fucking hard like a little loser bitch
Stupid mentality to have and I hope you manage to overcome it. There's nothing wrong with a man being able to cry by himself. I havent cried all my teenage and early 20s and I was dead inside. Felt so good to be able to cry agian.

Jesus Christ, I hate to make you into some kind of example, but you are exactly what's wrong with modern culture. You're just a guy, with your own problems and those faggot niggers should be shot for saying that about you. You're the kind of person who wakes up every morning, puts on his boots, and makes this country work for us, despite your own problems. If people like you were given an ounce of respect for that, the would be a much better place.

>You aren't in some fucking war zone.
Hah! It is all war, the way women act it.

I almost drank myself to death and put everyone close to me in harm's way