Hey fags so I'm a screenwriter who usually writes comedy and my next project requires that I write a romance into the...

>both walking through the garden
>guy stares at the ground
>there is something i really wanted to tell you
>my whole life i never felt loved
>my parents were abusive people and i never had any real friends
>but ever since i met you I've felt the deepest-
>bumps into tree
>oughhuuoooo
>girl: hahahhahahahahahahahahah

>ayo girl you wan som fuck?\
>you don't have to tell me what happened, but you do have to eat these *as the man hands her a large bowl of eggs*
>how about I give you the ol' natty lickaroo?
Any of these lines should work

>Sarah, you are looking good tonight!
Then he just walks away.

That's actually pretty good.

How do I make them kiss after though? Wouldn't she think he's dumb and hate him?

If it's meant primarily to appeal to women the guy can't show any vulnerability that isn't potentially dangerous to the woman in question.

If you can't understand basic human emotion then maybe you shouldn't be a fucking writer.

Seconding this. You should also try to have him be a time traveller or a werewolf.

Depends on how he plays it. If he takes it in stride and covers it with some self deprecating humor he can avoid losing face.

Are you seriously in Hollywood? I'll write your dumb script if you can help me get my foot in the door at an animation studio.

Or just pretend for a second that you're the wop and you got a naive girl hanging on to your every word, what kind of bullshit teasing and bravado would you use to make her receptive?

This is nice in a casual sort of way. Not top-tier comedy, but it’s the kind of thing that the characters would probably laugh about together.

he should be pro-active, but not too pro-active

adapt pic related

Attached: 08E8AA86-BB4C-4FED-85AB-53D0DD5F9649.jpg (956x1113, 456K)

they could be joking and all of sudden meet each other's gaze and start making out. done

>in Hollywood
You’re glamorising screenwriting too much. Being a screenwriter doesn’t mean shit except that you’re trying and probably failing to write films.

Tommy: "you look really beautiful tonight."
Sarah: (giggles) "you don't mean that."
Tommy: (leans in to kiss her but then pulls away when Sarah does. Laughs)
Sarah: (laughs) "kiss me dingus!"

They kiss

Tommy: "that was really nice. Can I do it again?"

end scene; next scene is them waking up

It implies romance without having to explicitly show it but still sets up a good playful dialogue

She's not naive she's very smart but her family just moved to the city and she's very bored at the current.

They met in sketchy bar, he asked her what a girl like her was doing in a place like that and she told him she was enjoying the scenery.

I tried to make a lot of it witty banter because I can't write anything else but they need to fall in love for the plot to work.

The movies about the Italian guy trying to start his own mafia and failing miserably. So much that actual mafia members he meets think he's a joke.

She needs to revere him though. See something in him others don't see.

I just don't want her to think he's dumb or anything like that.

This is quite possibly the worst place on the internet to ask that question user.

This but instead smash cut from the eye contact to them having sex in bedroom somewhere

TOMMY: So then I asked him, would it be painful if I took off the mask?

SARAH: (laughing) So what did he say?

TOMMY: He said (imitating BANE) "It would be extremely painful..."

SARAH: Aww!

TOMMY: "...for you!"

SARAH: (laughs autistically)

>front butt

Just write something no matter how bad it is at first and then you'll get into the flow of things and actually write something that's good. You know how it goes

>Tommy: (leans in to kiss her but then pulls away
>Tommy: You're right, I don't. Bye.

This reply is the most retarded post in this (very retarded) thread

>I tried to make a lot of it witty banter because I can't write anything else but they need to fall in love for the plot to work.
What's the 'but' for? You think people can't fall in love because they have good banter? That's like 90% of psychological attraction.

That actually made me smile

TOMMY
What’s a woman of your demeanor doing in place like this?
YOUNG WOMAN
(playful)
Enjoying the scenery.
TOMMY
Mind if I enjoy it with you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Not if you buy me a drink first.
Tommy laughs. He walks over and sits down.
TOMMY
Name’s Tommy. And you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Sarah.
TOMMY
Sarah. Wow. I’ll remember that.
He signals to the Bartender, he holds up two fingers.
TOMMY
(mouths)
Two.
He looks back at her.

This is part of the scene before where they're in the bar

Sounds nice, except for theirs past. Maybe try a corny analogy about flowers and bees.

Attached: 1546796259946.png (625x478, 256K)

Demeanor?

How the hell should I know I'm a fucking incel.

I don't know much about animation or even Hollywood really all I do is write scripts to their specifications and get paid. Most of the time they get rewritten by some other jackoff.

I thought animators had it easier because less people want to draw out laborous frames.

Just crib from Roman Holiday and other old romance movies.

"user, I really like you, but I'm worried. Are you an Incel?"
"No, I'm just a nice guy"

Why'd he demean her? He barely knows her!

Just make the guy an aloof dick that displays random bits of affection but remains mysterious to her. He should also randomly yell at her when she gets too close to his world, be confident bordering on cocky, and when they joke at a random point he gets super serious.

Tommy: Yep I still got it

She's very nicely dressed and proper looking. She's in a bar filled with scoundrels. Some of them eyefucking her.

I'm serious guys if you help me write some good dialogue it'll be in the film 100%

Kek. Here’s your (you)

This, sort of. If you just wing it, you can wind up improvising some pretty cool things (like accidentally creating a compelling new plot arc). Just as long as you have a solid outline, so you don’t meander aimlessly.

The “Witty Banter” thing was done in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The romance was the weakest part of it, and nobody cared because the rest of the plot was solid.

It's still an odd word choice. Incorporate that into the dialogue.

You need a subplot. Maybe a couple of his idiot friends are trying to help him out with some mafia stuff and they keep fucking up.

Just write the scene as if it's two guys who are really really good friends. Then just make it more and more filled with gay subtext until you are satisfied, and change one of them into a girl.

Int: Tommy and Sarah are on a date in an upscale restaurant
Tommy stands up
SNEED. That is all.

I'm trying to make this film a masterpiece. I want every part of it to be flawless.

I still dream of getting an academy award one day. I probably won't even get a golden globe. Maybe if I make everyone gay they'll give me one.

I need some type of award though because I want to eventually direct something and they don't just let nobodies handle millions of dollars in budgets. They have to have a leverage or lots of prior experience.

The rest of the movie is pretty good it's like a mix of Steve Martin - Jim Carrey - George Carlin type humor.

Make Tommy a ftm tranny and have Hannah Gadsby play her.

Fucking terrible. The end of the a joke line at the beginning of the scene is fucking terrible. You might as well go insane with the first line because every single fucking person knows why your wrote that beginning, how you did. To give credence that your main character is funny, has lived a life and is attractive is nothing short of Bottom of the barrel. You don't make them live or have anything that has a personal spark because the joke isn't that he did an over the top act, it's the writer knows the film your watching and the acknowledgement that they give the film. Nothing is more worthy and you have nothing to say.

I'm thinking Hugh Grant i.e. bumbling twat

He's Italian and the Mafia will protect that from the diversity craze shit. Unless he was a gentile it shouldn't be that much of a problem

The scene begins with them laughing because I don't know how to really set up the interactions. It's not a joke for the audience but for the two to build their intimacy and hope it's believable

unironically best advice in the thread

>I'm trying to make this film a masterpiece. I want every part of it to be flawless.
And you come to fucking /tv/ for help?
If you really want to direct something you’re better off just filming no-budget indie shits on your own. Then at least you’ll get some directing experience. Plus it’s more likely for a no-name indie director to eventually ascend to directing something legit than for a random screenwriter to be given a chance to direct.

But it's not. It's a shit cliche that comedians write because it's shit for the reasons I gave. It amounts to nothing and will never be cute or romantic. Do better not because you don't have the experience but because you know the characters and what they would say, don't force experiences or what you find works.

Even if I film a no budget I need a lot of money just for the equipment and camera guys.

I've been thinking about a Kevin Smith-esque cheap movie but I still need to save up more.

Actors shouldn't be a problem because there are a lot of people out there just looking to get their names out for free but I still need more time.

And I'm afraid if I want to get into Cannes I'll have to suck jew dick too

Let’s see if I can’t edit this.
TOMMY
What’s a woman of your demeanor doing in place like this?
YOUNG WOMAN
(Curious)
Demeanor?
TOMMY
Well, you don’t look like you crawled out from a jail cell or a trailer park, so yeah. Demeanor.
YOUNG WOMAN
I guess I’m just enjoying the scenery.
TOMMY
Mind if I enjoy it with you?
YOUNG WOMAN
It’ll cost you
(Tommy makes a puzzled face. Woman lifts a nearly, empty cocktail glass and rattles the ice. Tommy understands. He sits down, raises a hand and calls to the bartender)
TOMMY
Two of whatever she’s having.
YOUNG WOMAN
(Smiles) Hope you enjoy Sex on the Beach.
TOMMY
Beg your pardon?
YOUNG WOMAN
You were introducing yourself.
TOMMY
Name’s Tommy. And you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Sarah.
TOMMY
Sarah. Okay, so Sarah... tell me honestly why is a clean-cut, put-together girl like you doing in this... shithole.
SARAH
Boredom. And, also... (expositional backstory)

Want more, OP?

I don't understand what you're trying to say

Solid old post, fren

TOMMY
What’s a toasty roastie SJW fucking degenerate slut like you doing here?
YOUNG WOMAN
(playful)
Cruising for big black cock.
TOMMY
Mind if I cruise with you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Not if you buy me a drink first.
Tommy laughs. He walks over and sits down.
TOMMY
Name’s Tommy. And you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Sarah.
TOMMY
Sarah. Wow. I’ll remember that.
He signals to the Bartender (a large, muscled negro), he holds up two fingers.
TOMMY
(mouths)
Two.
He looks back at her, then pulls out a DEAGLE and shoots her in the face.
TOMMY
(looks at camera)
We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children

I'm interested but she seems like a cougar rather than a young woman looking for fun. Like she's had too much experience for that to fit the picture.

This is also the first scene she's in btw. Here's the background details for the scene:

The smell of cigarette smoke inundates a bar filled with rock music and sketchy men. A young, confident Tommy walks into the bar over to the counter on the right and orders a drink.
After he takes a shot, he looks over on his left to see a young woman, sitting alone at a table, gazing around. Tommy looks at her, hand still on the bar.

a typical woman is greedy and doesnt believe anything you say to them
a typical man is horny and believes women are into them

start with simple and plausible character designs and the dialogue will at least make sense

>only cougars can flirt

Sarah
Well if I owed you money, I think we could figure it out
Tommy
How is that?
Sarah
I'd offer to go out with you
Tommy
Really? You think I would take that?
Sarah
I think you would
Tommy
Why? Because you got pretty eyes, a great figure and you'd make the perfect wif-
Sarah
*interrupts with sudden kiss*
Tommy
Okay. You definitely owe me something for the blue balls that you just gave me
Sarah
Tomorrow at (insert time of date and place) it is

Tommy shouldn't walk into the bar alone, he should have friends with him having a good time. Him ignoring them to hit on the girl and continuing to chat with her for a long time indicates interest.

>a typical woman is greedy and doesnt believe anything you say to them
Get better at lying, fag

Hearty kek

Here's another excerpt from the scene:

The Bartender puts two drinks down on the table. Tommy goes to grab his, but Sarah immediately snatches it out and drinks down both shots in rapid succession. Tommy is dumbfounded.
TOMMY
My oh my.
She slams the glasses down on the table.
SARAH
What? You never seen a girl hold her liquor?
TOMMY
Not like that.
They both laugh. Tommy focuses on her, putting his fists up in a ball, amazed.

>You definitely owe me something for the blue balls that you just gave me
Ugh.

Maybe she’s the type of person who’s watched too many movies, who acts and talks like she’s more competent and experienced than she really is. Maybe this is her character flaw. Maybe she’s the type of person who acts like she knows what she’s doing, because she grew up in a Safe world and doesn’t realize just how quickly she can get in over her head.

Which would explain why she’d willfully romance a gangster.

It could be like a real intense freaky french kiss. It's my first time writing, no bully

This isn’t hard lad. In the bar scene ride the witty banter until it goes a little too far and she gets mad and walks away. Tommy cusses at himself and chases after her, this is where some corny home alone esque shit can happen.. almost getting hit by a car, slipping on a banana peel etc. then he finds her in the garden and does what the dude above was saying. Apologetically shows a touch of tact and vulnerability before changing the subject and walking. Continuing the banter in the bar but in a self deprecating way while he playfully guesses how she ended up in his local dive. Don’t end this scene with a kiss but with a random dumb comedic mafioso type of thing right it seems like the kiss could be coming. This could be a reoccurring thing that furthers his buffoonery while placing her on a pedestal that I think would create the dynamic you’re looking for.

Tone it down, this is a light comedy not a Raimi flick.

>What? You never seen a girl hold her liquor?
cringe

This.
OP watch Bellflower or Spring (2014) if you want a reasonably believable depiction of a blossoming romance
I’m sure you’ve seen it before, but Eternal sunshine also does romantic comedy pretty well. Seems like you’d need to flip the genders though, with you wannabe mafioso being the one to take the girl out of her comfort zone

Well he doesn't tell her he's a gangster, he pretends he's a carpenter because he's, technically, committed felonies, even though in a comical, laughable manner.

She doesn't know who he really is.

Tommy
Sarah is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me ;)

Sarah
It is a gun Tommy, I'm undercover LAPD. You're under arrest

Tommy
The thing is Sarah, I'm undercover too, *pulls off mask* I'm your boss!

Sarah
Chief!?

Tommy
Hand in your gun and badge. You're off the case

Sarah
..b-but
*hands tommy her gun*

Tommy
Now!
And your other gun

That's good. You're a good writer.

Nothing like a banana peel though. Too tacky and overplaye

Why the fuck would you make his crimes a joke? What is she dating one of the bandits from home alone? The only comedy from the actual crimes he has committed should be the character having a really dark humor.
Carpenter is fine, just make him do something shirtless in construction. Also he's Italian so some random Catholic religious imagery can be thrown in

They've had a playful conversation so far, what's wrong with it?

I said the film's a comedy. He's a wanna-be gangster who tries to build his own criminal empire and fails miserably.

There's really so much dialogue in movies and shows that seems cringe if you just put it in text. A lot of it is how it's acted and directed

The Bartender puts two drinks down on the table. Tommy goes to grab his, but Sarah immediately snatches it out and drinks down both shots in rapid succession. Tommy is dumbfounded.
TOMMY
The fu-
She slams the glasses down on the table.
SARAH
What? You never seen a girl hold her liquor? I grew up with three older brothers, and a sexually abusive uncle who taught me how to drink liquor before I finished middle school.
The two of them laugh. SARAH's laughter gradually turns into weeping.
BARTENDER (played by Kenan Thompson)
Yikes!
[smash cut to a dark, dirty alleyway -- Tommy and Sarah are fucking doggy style.]
[closeup on Sarah's face. a single tear rolls down her cheek]
SARAH (whispering)
Uncle Bob.. you're too big... it won't fit
TOMMY
What?
SARAH
What?

Unless it's 10th level irony or the film takes place in the 19th century that's not playful, it's just dumb.

TOMMY
So wassuh matta you, baby doll? Dems daffydills ain't pleasins ya?
YOUNG WOMAN
Blow it out your ass you guinea bastard. Today is my ovulatin' day.
TOMMY
Ya what bitch?
YOUNG WOMAN
I'm ovulatin' you deaf greaseball.
TOMMY
What the fuck is an omulation. You eatin' eggs, bitch?
YOUNG WOMAN
No, I'm makin' eggs you bastard. In my fat cootah, you piece of gahbage.
TOMMY
Real funny bitch.
YOUNG WOMAN
Big fat stinky spotted ostrich eggs.
TOMMY
I said real funny bitch! Give me your cootah eggs!
YOUNG WOMAN
Fuck you!
TOMMY
Fine you talked me into it!
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh you tricky dicky bastard! You got me again!

>There's really so much dialogue in movies and shows that seems cringe if you just put it in text. A lot of it is how it's acted and directed
I guess that's true but how do you tell one from the other when it's not been acted yet?

That's actually hilarious.

You don't need to make his criminal enterprise too jokey though. You could play it like Midnight Run.

It's like a parody of sorts where he takes most of the conventions and cliches of mafia films and breaks them all down.

There should be something serious about each character that at least makes a romance worthwhile
If it's all comical then it's just a farce. So make him actually really good at carpentry or something.

Can you picture someone in any reality saying what you wrote in a non cringe way?
That's how

Hey, the guy's actually got a writing job so he probably know what he's doing to a point, thought it is weird to all of a sudden have to ask /tv/ for help for something as common as a romantic scene

I watch the Prequels regularly to remind myself how not to write.

At least if I fail in this romance section it wont be as bad as George Lucas'.

If an idiot like him can make billions so can I.

Show Don't Tell

Plagiarise boy meets world.

Dude I've never even held hands with a woman before. I've never been kissed by anyone except my mom.

And the most fucked up part is I'm fairly good looking and work out regularly. I just completely sperg out around women. And if I can't do it in a movie than how the fuck can I do it in real life?

>guys do my job for me
do it yourself you lazy fuck

*walking through garden*
Suddenly a pack of Somali refugees jump the girl to rape her. Guy turns out to be Salvini himself, pulls out 2 sawed off shotguns. Niggers disperse in terror. Girl throws herself at the manly hero.
End of scene