Is there anybody on this god forsaken board that can /feel/ me?

I think you're just bored.

A

Yeah, something like that was probably going to happen to me but at 18 I had a very traumatic event occur to me and over the last decade of posting here, I have never alluded to it before. It wasn't anything sexual but traumatic it very much was. When things started to seem like they were getting better then BAM. 180. I never fully recovered.

Attached: 1521821887051.png (916x900, 492K)

thats awful. I've always been curious, what does that do to someone?

Like, do you lack trust, do you have fear in authority?

They weren't intentional but a part of me has a little doubt at least. Regardless, she was so negligent that I think she deserves to suffer, intentional or not.

Wanna share? at least the gist

I went from being an emotionally frail extrovert, to a complete and total paranoid schizophrenic shut-in. I haven't looked someone in the face for 20 years. I feel like everyone has betrayed or hates me before they even say a word to me. I can never be myself around people, not even the ones I care about because I know the emotional baggage I have is too much for people to deal with. I can't bring myself to do anything because I have so much negativity surrounding myself. I genuinely feel like I could never succeed at anything I try.
I feel like a lot of people can feel like that without having awful things happen to them, but I don't think I would have ended up like this if nothing had happened.
The only thing I feel like I could do without fucking up is dying and I'm too much of a coward for that.

I can't, really. It's been almost 10 years now and I've been very tight-lipped about it. Let's just say (which is already TMI) I went back to the shrink's over a very unlikely insignificant event that had happened to me and I've deeply regretted it ever since. I've lost all trust in "authority" and this had only snowballed over the years due to other reasons which I found out. It had destroyed my life more than my mother's hair-brained decision to "homeschool me" (aka not homeschool me)

Hope I don't regret saying this too much but I'm on beer 5 and 8g's of phenibut. I am sure I am going to 100% want to kick my own arse in the morning but fuck it.

Normally I would despise the "professionals" but I'd seriously consider it in your case. That is extremely fucked up.

Seconding this
To help me understand a bit more, whats the link? As a Hypothetical, for whatever reason, the local police ask to question you about a local crime, to as inoccent, innocuous questions about your area and if you heard anything. What runs through you mind?

By despise, I mean they had 100% fucked up my life unnecessarily but seriously you need professional help with that shit. God damn.

I know single events in life can fuck people up, but surely you can let us know.
Is it incriminating , something hurtful to speak about, embarrassing?

I don't do anything wrong. I don't even do anything at all. If it was something as simple as answering a question like that I would just say "No". If they started investigating me for something I didn't do though, I wouldn't be able to tell them I didn't do it because the self doubt, paranoid and schizophrenia would just take control at that point. I wouldn't be able to believe that I could be investigated for a crime I didn't do by accident and think I may have actually done it somehow.

Yeah my life was pretty nice till about 12 when I got a 360 and just stayed in my fucking room playing xbl/halo 3 and neglected my neighborhood friends for it. Basically wasted all my adolescence until the last 2 years of hs when I got some friends but still never had a gf. Then I went to college and only had 1 friend. Thankfully now I am hard at work trying to turn things around. Thanks for reading my blog.

Not incriminating at all. It was actually innocent but very pathetic, and I knew it (the latter part).

It's just too embarrassing due to how utterly pathetic it was. It was highly context-driven and would mean nothing to anybody else.

You know that spongebob episode where spongebob and patrick steal the balloons but then at the end found out they were free anyway? That kind of pathetic.

But as a result, it made me experience things I had never experienced before. IT HAD CHANGED ME. Day and night difference. Nothing was ever the same after that.

oh.. In my scenario I was trying to make out the neighbours got broken into and asking if you saw anyone dodgy. But I had no idea you thought in the scenario they would question you.

I had no idea a single event can change your thought pattern so much. Have you every spoken to someone in depth about it. Even friends or family.

I'm no doctor, but I think finding an outlet, something that you can do with others to try build some trust up. Like working out, then going to a gym to build up interactions with others.

Easier said than done, and I imagine even the thought of being around a small group of people would set off a panic attack.

Attached: 1369103735084.jpg (960x540, 84K)

I can't be myself around other people. I am so afraid that people would use anything they knew about the real me to try and hurt me later that I fake everything.
As a result, reaching out becomes a game of literally morphing into someone infinitely more pathetic than they think I really am and making the whole relationship become a complete lie in the process.
So I don't.
I'm only one person anyway, I don't really matter at all.

I understand. Can be kinda free talking about it. even to yourself out loud.

You've got to admit letting it out so far has been a little cathartic. It won't solve the problem, or totally rid the feelings associated with it, but talking about that one event can chip away at one of the various problems in life.

Life is't a sprint, its marathon. As cheesy as it is, its still true. No one goes from point A to point B instantly in life, its a progress of steps along the way, and talking about the issue is one step of helping you.

Attached: 1368015770491.png (620x480, 308K)

Speaking of which...

For the first time in my life, I had difficulty sleeping. You know when you have a nightmare that is horrific and you wake up feeling relieved? It was the opposite for me. I was blissfully unconcious and I wope up into a living nightmare. Some times I felt my head literally "vibrating," that kind of shit. Seeing yourself from 3rd person. Never before have I experienced any of that shit. This was being off of the SSRI's for a few months for the first time since starting.

It makes me wonder what that prozac did to me...

How do you feel about surveillance cameras? Do they and the fact that they have facial recognition technology concern you? And how much info can be stored and quickly shared? They can even see in the dark and sense things through walls in some cases.

Its good to be cautious, but being so cautious you shut people out isn't,

Sure you may not matter to %99.99(...) of people, but at anyone moment, you matter to someone, even if for a brief flickering moment. To me now as I'm typing otherwise I would be typing for no reason, but in an hour. No. At the same time other people matter to you. When eating, an army people in the background cultivating, processed, packaged and delivered that food with the intent someone would buy it to be eaten, and in that chain, someone relied on you buying that food so they had a job... Along with thousands of others buying that food too. If you genuinely think you don't matter than to others, then consider going to a barren, part of your country and live off the land, and appreciate that you matter, as others matter to you. And connecting with others is important, even if on the most surface of levels.

TL;DR, everyone is so interconnected, someone will always relying on someone, including you.

I don't know what you're on, but the best way to stop any antidepressant, or any drug, is tapering. Never cold turkey. But I have a feeling you're trying to change subject.

Doggy feels you

Attached: 76544565463.jpg (1024x683, 112K)

Being recorded doesn't bother me so much, since I don't do anything wrong. But I worry about how someone could perceive what I was doing as wrong and confront me for it.
I always keep my receipts for everything, all day until I get home. Just in case.

It isn't that I don't matter to people that bothers me. I know that I matter to a lot of people.
But it isn't really me that they care about.
I don't shut people out, I'm just not me.
The one time I tried reaching out, to someone who I just related with completely and told me everything, it completely backfired and she actually tried to kill herself over it.
The real me just shouldn't exist.

>But I have a feeling you're trying to change subject.

That feeling was a result of that traumatic event. That is very on-the-subject.

I couldn't have my fucking picture taken for a year after that.

No he doesn't. He's a stupid animal that arrogant humans bred to be dysgenic companion slaves.

I can't imagine that anxiety.
Hypothetical, you do some shopping, cashier scans all but one item. You don't notice he didn't scan, you walk out the door, security guard asks to check your bag, and sees the extra item, and its not on your receipt.

It's happened to me before and they let you keep it since it wasn't your fault the item didn't get scanned. I still paid for it though because I'm not a thief.

They didn't tell me that, and even then that wouldn't have correct the irreparable brain damage they had caused me over those 5 years. The system is rigged and by the jew.

I can't relate to your specifics (was never homeschooled), but I'm the same age as you and my life has taken a similar course. My life went downhill somewhere between 14-16, when I started being "weird" and lost all my friends, and I've been pretty isolated from everyone else ever since.

I always refused to take anti-deps though since I heard they fried your brain

>I always refused to take anti-deps though since I heard they fried your brain

Yeah, I never got that memo and I had a lot of misplaced trust in my pea-brained mother as she had the most influence in my lfie. Gee, do I really feel like a fucking idiot now.

Attached: 1522450518925.gif (500x382, 167K)

I would really like an answer to this, mr. play-pretend (((psychologist)))

I'm the same but the shit hit the fan a little later for me, around 17ish. I was doing great until then, had a fairly big circle of friends and a gf (never fkd) but was still an awesome time. Then parents split up and fkd me over and everything went downhill from there. Almost all friends left me, only have vague acquaintances now and people generally despise me. 22 year old virgin with no prospects of losing it and no promising future either. Jow Forums and vidya are all that keep me going desu.

Attached: 1511313411160.jpg (345x554, 38K)

>the absolute state of zoomer nu-Jow Forums

>they weren't intentional but a part of me has little doubt at least
I know that feel

exactly that but in my own.
1-5 great life big house parents making lots of money
5-12 mom left didnt care cheated economy crash dads business downhill lose house move from nice area
13-19 move states with woman father married, endless struggle and instability (ended in court, kicked out of my house, homeless living with my dads friend we were so lucky to have) age 13 start getting serious panic attacks nonstop horribly that i got until about 19, suicidal and hopelessly depressed. 22 now, just as bad as it was at 14. they say it gets better. they say you'll be happy you dont pull the trigger. im 22, and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't regret not ending it that one day when i was 17 and had a gun to my head in the upstairs of that apartment. Now, I am slightly more mature and don't want to blow blood all over the walls, and I am kind of afraid of hanging. Not that it matters but I dont really want to do it now, with as much vigour as I wanted I was 16. I do. I just don't have the recklessness in me to do it. Until the day comes that I do, which will come. So I live with a dead inside. At least when I was a teenager I would abuse drugs to make myself feel better, now it's just not in me. Which is just that much more empty.

i was a outcast since i was born
anyone else here?

after a few months addicted to amphetamine sulfate that I was really just using for an antidepressant, I tried prescription antidepressants, two of them. Those things are some of the most whack feeling shit out there, in the way some of them make you feel. Z something? Maybe not, but one of them I remember made my head feel like I had a fucking big ass headache all the time and all of them just felt like total fucking junk

Zoloft? I've never tried that thankfully but all of it is garbage. It is over-prescribed for profit.

I mean, my mother FUCKED me over SO MUCH in life even without the SSRI's, but that's the biggest one for sure.

It is better to have never had than to have had for a very brief period of time and then lost forever.

>I know that feel

Maybe I should have worded that better.

It (probably) wasn't intentional but I have a few suspicions that may make me think otherwise.

"i had depression" is it the new excuse to not increase your life expectancy and work for a better life in the modern world?

Attached: 1528094959861s.jpg (250x188, 7K)

>my story
1-7 Life was great!
8-10 Birthdayparty age 7/8, discover that I suffer from massive social anxiety. Parents never took me to a doctor or anything tho. Age 9, dad leaves. Didn't spend any time with him until a couple of years later. Age 10, discover porn.
11-now Life was/is shit. Porn addiction, untreated social anxiety and depression, almost never talk to people unless really necessary and a lot more shit. I just exist really. Can't bother to make an effort or do much. I just "go through the motions".

There is a lot of shit I can't undo, man. Be very grateful you have no clue as to what I am saying.

Yeah it was definitely a downhill for me. I got a lot better but my late highschool to college era was the worst. 25 now and feeling a lot better but still crushingly lonely.

Have:
High paying job
Car
Tons of free time online

Don't have:
House

Never ever had:
Girlfriend

I don't care if I die, then I won't have to be alive any longer, I don't want to commit suicide because my family, blah blah blah.

Attached: escapism.jpg (752x769, 53K)

>have no clue for what you saying
Unfortunaly I have, pal. I had depression and schizophrenia when i was 12/13.

I was pretty normal until I hit 12/13. and then I became an autistic sperg. I blame it on internet, vidya and just a lack of parental discipline and guidance. It's up to me to correct the last 10+ years of horrendous habits.

>better life in the modern world
Literally why bother? Society barely has shit to offer us, especially not much more when you're 70 compared to 80. Grats, you lived an extra 10 years, the years where you're already decrepit and old and everything hurts.

shizophrenia is impossible to misdiagnose and is the result of faulty, low-quality genetics. I was fine and reacted how any healthy adolescent would given the circumstances. They took someone healthy and made them unhealthy for greed.

You do not understand what I am talking about.

Bro, that is what im sayin my man. You don't need to be rich, fucc a ton of bitches or shit to proof nothing, i mean that would be cool to try something different and new, life change af when you move from your "comfort area". You are the only that can do this, and no one will do this for you. Unfortunaly, we live in a cold society.

lol said once for a ton of friends that the mexican mafia from dark net would kidnap me and kill me once, they laughed and shit

My story is different, as I was fucked from the start. Things did improve a bit at ages 8-12, but went down at 13. Since then, there have been a couple of good but many more "okay" or bad years. I can't name a single incident where things went wrong; I know it was a combination of things. I hit rock bottom at 27 or 28. I'm almost 31 now and unlike then, I now at least have a job. The future doesn't look that great, though: I know I keep working this entry-level, minimum-wage job until I retire or die and will live in the same commieblock apartment for the rest of my life. Of course I am also an everythingless virgin and have serious, mostly untreated issues.

>I can't be myself around other people. I am so afraid that people would use anything they knew about the real me to try and hurt me later that I fake everything.
This is what I do, too. I've been betrayed so many times in the past I can't trust people anymore.

Aww.

I'm not a complete outcast, but I have faint memories of other kids taking toys from me, pushing me and literally walking all over me when I was a toddler.

Are you not at least content? I cannot say the same and couldn't for a very long time now.

Yeah, this kind of thinking has only amplified the dread.

I've already spent 27 - 13 years of my life in varying forms of misery. What do I really have to look forward to at best, really?

I had forgot to add that there was about a 5-6 month break before the trauma began and I felt totally fine in between.

Is anybody still here?

Attached: 1541045539293.jpg (580x548, 34K)

I'm here mane. What do u want with me?

Attached: 1537715143791.png (835x635, 27K)

I don't know. I was hoping for more perspectives on my situation, especially after spilling my guts out.

>perfectly normal at any point
yeah, that ain't it, chief. Imagine being given that much and throwing it away because of tumblr memes.

Wait that sounds pretty much like me