R9kys general

who here is considering suicide?
my situation:
>grandpa killed himself
>parent both did shit loads of drugs
>give birth to me
>surprise I'm a useless neurotic autist

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I have two personalities and the only way to terminate the other one is to shoot myself in the head, but i am afraid this will eliminate both of us.

My dad has been gay his entire life, and had kids to hide this fact from himself. My existence is pointless, I wasn't born out of mutual love, I was a prop.

that's a weird feel
does your mom love you?

Do you have gay tendies user? Like boiclits and bussy lusting?

>My existence is pointless
Join the club.
>I wasn't born out of mutual love
Neither were a lot of people. Mutual lust at best.
>I was a prop
A lot of people have kids simply because they're expected to, or because they think it will give them a purpose or make them less lonely.

Not trying to say that your situation doesn't suck, just saying that people face similar things and overcome them. Also, just because your parents didn't love each other doesn't mean they don't love you. I don't see why being gay would make someone unable to love their children. His decision to have you may have been part of his denial of his sexuality, but he may also have genuinely wanted kids, too. You can't really know, and perhaps he can't really know either.

Why do you want to terminate the other one? Seems like learning to live with it and/or even trying to integrate the two into a whole would be a more productive aim. Even if you were somehow able to eliminate the one but not the other, it's still you and you'd still be effectively committing partial suicide.

Posts like yours make me wonder how it is we live in such a wealthy, technologically advanced society and yet all of our responses to and safeguards against getting born into a fucked up family are so miserably inadequate. Centuries ago you would have lived in a tight-knit community that you could fall back on when shit got chaotic at home, but now we're somehow more isolated than ever in an age where you can drive or travel anywhere and communicate with anyone.

I'm scared because I'm in a fucked up rut and I don't know why. I don't know how to get out of it.

I used to be a cyborg, I had friends and even a gf at one point. Sure, I was seen as the weird one but at least I was accepted and had some semblance of a life. But everyone around me has slowly been pulling themselves from my life (I have withdrawn also) and now I have nothing. The only time I get a text or call is from my mom and maybe one of my siblings which is even rarer. Haven't spoken to my dad in years.

I have always had social anxiety and I was told that it just got better with time and exposure but I can't say the same for me. I feel like I'm more emotionally immature than I was when I was 14. I don't remember being so scared of everything in my life. I've stopped making the effort to connect with people, I'm tired of the disappointment. I'm not welcome in anyone's life

>autistic and bipolar
I was born to lose, baby.

Tocqueville effect.

The other one is not the actual me, i feel like it's a parasitic imposter which embodies everything bad about myself. It was created through years of crippling anxiety and depersonalization during my teens and i feel like it is slowly taking control of larger parts of my being. He is malevolent and hedonistic, and fucks with my mind. When i look in the mirror i no longer see myself, i see him. My true self is being pushed further into a crook of my conscious and my anxiety is getting worse. I must terminate him before it grows stronger.

Granted, my expectations are higher than those of someone living in the 19th century, but I think we really have slipped when it comes to systems of social support. Not welfare, obviously, as that was abysmal back then.

But it IS you, every bit as much as the one you're happy to call yourself is. Everyone has that other side, it's just not everyone tries to dissociate from it and kill it. That's exactly what makes it so severe, in fact: repressing it only makes it more powerful because you deny it healthy outlets, leaving it to seek out the subconscious, unhealthy ones without your direction.

>I was told that it just got better with time and exposure
It can. On the other hand, if circumstances change to make things more difficult on you it can also get worse. Have you thought about therapy? Now would seem to be the time for it.

Who knows. People who fall through the cracks of society have never been accounted for as much as they do now. Maybe things haven't changed?

>Have you thought about therapy?

Yeah. I feel I can only speak to male therapists so it is a bit limiting. I'm starting with a guy who is a bit inexperienced but I'm willing to give it a try anyway. I was told to try meetups.com but I feel humiliated resorting to it, especially as I'm someone who used to be a normie more or less and now I've fallen so far I have to resort to desperate things

This does make sense, but I don't understand what outlets are left to give it, and if i stop repressing it and do enable it, will it not integrate itself as the major part the agglomeration that is myself- making me the person i absolutely do not wish to be?

There are a lot more formal institutions and organizations, that's true, but I don't think there's a one of them that wouldn't say they're underfunded and stretched thin. And they are arguably a response to the breakdown of the informal systems which preceded them, namely community.

>27 year old neet
>mentally ill
>legit mentally ill with legal documentation and everything
>know society hates me and people think im just a parasite but they pity me cause im fucked in the head

Really tempting tonight for some reason.

>born to an alcoholic mom who lied about being on the pill
>Dad wanted me aborted
>diagnosed with major depression, ADHD and OCD at 6 years old
>put in psychward for a year
>forced on drugs and quarantined in paycho classroom for 10 years
>Mom goes from man to man
>witness screaming matches and fighting daily
>completely fail at school because my teachers were glorified babysitters
>been fired or had to quit so many jobs
>in my 20s and working min wage labor
And somehow my parents have the gall to think I should be perfectly normal after all that and pretend that my childhood never happened. I fucking hate them both but most of all I hate myself and hope they suffer when I an hero which will happen when my dog dies.

I was never meant to exist

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been considering it since I was like 13, I'm 90% sure the only reason I haven't done it multiple times has been how much it would fucking devastate my mother. Since I'm the "normal" son compared to my drug addled schizo brother who has like 6 kids now.
Actually tried when I was like 16 to off myself, had the note written and was ready to do it but funny enough it was the day my sister in law went into labor and I didn't want to fuck everyone's day up then.

>actually tried
You didnt do shit nigger unless youre dead you didnt try anything

I don't see how joining activities on MeetUp is an act of desperation. Lots of people try new things and meet new people that way, I'm sure, or the site wouldn't succeed.

I think you fear that it would be far more influential than it really would. Consider that most people live their lives this way and they're not raging beasts or cruel sociopaths. It probably seems so terrible in your mind because the response it got when you were a kid was so extreme, but that's not because your behavior was so bad, it's because your parents or whoever were so mental about the slightest display of anger or whatever it was.

>perhaps he can't really know either.
That's the thing, why would someone be so selfish as to bring a living being into existence without even knowing why? People don't fucking think about the shit they do and it's maddening.
>Neither were a lot of people. Mutual lust at best.
And yet those parents weren't lying to themselves, they were at least attracted to the other person when they conceived their child. I know it's pointless to be angry now, but on top of all this, I wasn't even given a normal brain.

She would say she does if I asked her, but she certainly doesn't love me enough to show it. All she did when I was growing up was watch tv and read her romance novels because she obviously wasn't being satisfied by her faggot husband. I never got a hug when I cried, I got yelled at. When she wonders why I am so distant to her now, I want to tell her about a thing called emotional neglect but it's too late to do anything positive. I fantasize about killing her for this, too. It's a form of entertainment for me.