I feel like I was never meant to exist

My mother told me I was supposed to be aborted before my grandmother stepped in to stop it.
She induced my birth a week early on purpose because she "didn't want to have a kid whose birthday was Christmas"
I feel like I shouldn't exist

>Kinda like an alien, but without a home to go back to, just always angry and uncomfortable.
Spot on. Though I think that nowadays I mostly feel apathy rather than anger. The things that others hold as being important do make them seem annoying though.
Wow user. You actually have a good reason to believe that. How has this affected your life? Do you resent your mother?

She told me really offhandedly on both occasions so I doubt she even remembers telling me.
It sort of invalidates your entire life desu.

My mom would often randomly tell me that she's not cut out to be a mother. Wonder what she meant by that.

>>What do you enjoy doing?
>I don't really know. Self-loathing I suppose. Apart from that I like taking walks at night and hope that maybe I'll just disappear on one of them eventually.
Just wanted to say that I completely feel all of this especially that part I quoted, all I can say is that if you aren't already into the hole of substance abuse please don't fucking start it makes it all so much worse
>that pic is just an exercise in autism and misery.
Posting my own in solidarity

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Go outside and meet people. Obviously that's easier said than done but its what's best for all of us.

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its hard isnt it, knowing that anything you do wouldnt be enough for you. Seeing what you would become before doing it, unable to enjoy the ride because you know and see the destination. Its all fruitless and meaningless walking just walking till youre dead. im honestly crippled by this the way i see it is like being in complete darkness no road to walk just darkness but seeing a road i see it from start to finish and feel some sort of comfort being in the darkness in stagnation knowing its the only thing not part of the cycle but in on itself just as meaningless because it is stagnation and i am still human i still have genetic tendencies favored over hundreds of generations hard coded in me to yearn for all things human. It hurts and hurts but in this comforting abyss it serves like punishment for not walking a road, i just wonder how long im willing to pay the price, will i ever give in and show mercy to myself.

How do I do one of these myself?

Some weeb website, don't have a link right now. I'm pretty sure there's already a thread or 2 about it on r9k right now anyways so you can just look for that.

same, i'm incapable of enjoyment, even if i got everything i wanted in life, at best i'd feel temporary shallow happiness, but at the end of the day i'd still want to off myself

tfw this thread dies like my feels

youtube.com/watch?v=vr9SR6hmTPw

get rich. just chill and move to a tropical island.

OP here. I left it when it was at page 7. Accidentally noticed that it's been bumped up now. Feel free to hang out.
I probably won't. Honestly these anime avatars are making me really sad. They're so ideal. Real life will never live up to these standards.

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>Says hobbies are 'Self Loathing'
user, stop looking in, you need to look out more often. You are constantly alone and this discovering more and more you hate about yourself. If you look more at others than yourself, you'll be surprised how much you can improve.

But I don't want to improve. It's pointless. I can go hang out with normies, become "successful" in their eyes, but I'll still be miserable and out of place. I tired this in the past and succeeding in something would just make me hate everything. Like I'm some slave serving other people's expectations of me. I understand that this sounds extremely selfish, but that's why I said that I don't think I was supposed to exist.

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#
user, you can't expect real life to be so ideal. Find a hobby that gets you out of the house during the day and can be done with other people (soccer, wallball, etc. Physical activity helps a lot, as a lack of exercise does contribute to depression) , no matter how much you despise it, and keep doing it. If you never talk to anyone or have any fun or get vigiorous exercise, its no wonder you feel like this. You need social activity to be mentally healthy, and even if that means inviting someone over to watch anime, it will help.

Not all normies are actually bed people, though. Just please, don't commit suicide, you are unique and not an accident.

You were meant to exist. Someone out there would love you, and phsycalogicaly abusing yourself accomplishes nothing.

>I'm some slave serving other people's expectations of me.
Fucking this. Every time I leave my room and spend any time with my "friends" they just use me to help them with their shit, and expect me to act a certain way to please them.

They need some help with something? Call user and get him to help you.
user needs help with something? Too bad handle it on your own.
They are bored and want someone to entertain them? Call user, he'll hangout with you.
user is bored and wants to hangout? Nah they don't feel like it.
Feel like shit? user will cheer you up.
user needs someone to talk to? Sorry handle it on your own. I don't feel like it.

I've gone through dozens of "friends" who are just people that need me to temporarily do something for them. I haven't had a single "friend" for any longer than two years at most.

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I am by no means a psychoatirst, but if you need emotional support, I can do that.

The best people to befriend are other loners, they tend to not ise you as entertainment as they have no other friends of they lose you

Also, sleep 10 or more hours a day, and don't use any electronics forn2 hours before going to sleep. I know 10 sounds excessive, but you may be sleep deprived, which can cause schizophrenia and a whole laundry list if phsycalogical disorders.

> i will still be out of place.
Then find where you fit in! Go to comic cons, fuck, go to furcons, go to the gym, go swimming, just find you're place.

Oh no believe me I've had plenty of "loner" friends. They're scared to lose you at first, but they quickly realize that I don't intend to go anywhere, so they use me for "practice."
I am a walking friend dummy for people to pretend socialize with. The loners get some experience spending time with someone else. Eventually they get more confident, and they go out to find new friends once I've boosted their ego enough. Then they fuck off once they make enough real buddies because I am not needed anymore.
I literally had a girl spend 6 months by my side everyday. She was a depressed wreck who couldn't live on her own. I helped her get better then she found a boyfriend (after teasing me as a possible future bf might I ad). She stopped hanging out with me and just sent a text saying "I don't want to spend time with you anymore." She hasn't said a word to me in months.

It's really touching that you care about some pathetic autist on the internet, user. But let's be real here - those are all the words that people use simply because they're afraid to confront death. Being worthless is not a burden to me, potentially dying isn't either. It's almost liberating. In general I believe that chasing happiness is overrated. People shouldn't be shamed for being misers.

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i et your feel, its kind of what happens once you start noticing that living up to expectations or standards is only making sense out of their point of view and nothing you can do, gives your live validation and theyre just to blind to notice

at least, this is how i feel about it

i am very accepted and still have a lot of contact to people around me, but i still mis the feeling of having a real friend, even if im good with several dozens , whenever i try to come close to someone, i notice their shallowness which relly turns me off and makes me run automatically

i really see no way out of this, that is not straight up lying to yourself until you can at least acept it
the only thing that could help as i see it, would be finding a mission, like in somthing you live and die for

You're fucked up in your thinking! Successful? What the fuck does that mean? Does it mean being successful to YOURSELF of is it making a notch on the social hierarchy?

You don't have to be successful in the normies eyes, just so long as you are happy to be alive, you are successful. I know that everything I've been saying seems like a laundry list of faws with you, but it's not. Just because your broken (as we all are) doesn't make you trash. I can almost guarantee that, unless you are a lifeless NEET who never had any life at all that you have something that has no purpose but has too much sentiment to throw out.

You aren't pathetic, you are just as broken as we all are. You are not alone, and don't ever think for a second you are.

>Even if sorted myself out and became successful, I wouldn't enjoy life any more

This, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life but every time I take a step towards the life I want I am denied by people that praise me for being perfect while they tell me "you just are not X enough despite all of the praise we give you so fuck off, better luck next time". I am left wondering why I care so much about trying to exist in a society that turns me away. Dunno what to do, I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel stuck.

If death isn't a burden to you, live for someone else. A childhood friend, your parents, even, as much as you hate them, still would be heartbroken and crushed forever if you died.

this drawing looks just like me and I love it who's the artist OP?

I COULD put my arms around you and tell you everything's okay, but then I might be accused of taking inappropriate liberties.

If you won't improve for your sake, improve for mine. Please. I want to live your life and be successful by your own definition of the word, so long as it is not sitting in your house all day, alone and depressed.

thingking this way only helps, when youre an acute danger to yourself

as op said, if death isnt a burden to you, this is liberating. so try to take that serious. in consequence, do whatever seems right, even if you break with all norms there are. Only a dead man can really live the live he wants.

As for myself, im still clinging on too much to stay true to this, so i understand it might be a difficult thing to convince yourself of mentally

Just be thankful you have parents lad.

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Successful in the way society defines it, yes. I don't feel the need to be successful to myself. Anything I ever think of accomplishing seems to be just to please society's expectations.
Best I can do is doing tasks for the sake of doing them. Sometimes I'll pick something and just do it the hardest way possible just to punish myself. I remember when I still had a job, I'd be this absolutely emotionless tryhard. People would tell me that it's dumb to work so hard, but I never cared. I don't value my life, time or health the way people with actual aspirations do. I know this somewhat contradicts my post about being a slave, but I'm just so beyond caring about both others and myself.
I guess I can try, just for you. It's not like I have anything to lose.
picrew.me/image_maker/3595

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I won't tell you that everything is going to be all right because it won't until humans are gone. This world is broken, and we are just as much. I can't say honestly that I know your pain, as I don't and probably never will, but just because I dont know what it feels like doesn't mean I can't care. Because I do. I will sit here and continue this for as long as I have to to convince you, that, while yes, death may seem like a release, the part after it is not.

I couldn't care less about them.

Meant for this user. Originally that is.

>What do you enjoy doing?
I don't think I enjoy doing anything at this point. I practically live for the short-term bliss and joy that small moments provide, like good food (and overeating), watching interesting YouTube videos, playing good vidya etc. But in the grand scheme of things I am lost and have no sense of direction other than enjoyment in the current moment.
Please help.

>But let's be real here - those are all the words that people use simply because they're afraid to confront death.

You are feeling arguably the most Human feel there is, your sense of mortality. Society, politics, egos, and relationships distract most people from this feel, they can feel like they are something more then a bipedal ape with a good brain. We exist to live, that is why you are here, you can reproduce or continue living.

You are feeling your sense of humanity user, this is what society doesn't want to feel.

Thank you so much user. I have extremely fierce loyalty and would die to save my friends, and when I am away from them, the uncertainty of them not being there and possibly being in danger hurts more than all the balls that are in these Brazzers ads.(PS is that just me, or does this sote advertise exclusively for Brazzers?)

Well start caring for them.

You should be really thankful for the fact that they didn't put you into the adoption system.

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You have a RIGHT to be here, no less than the trees and the stars.
youtube.com/watch?v=PNq_DTmVCWs&list=RDPNq_DTmVCWs&start_radio=1&t=0

Sorry, but I won't. They're not monsters or anything, but they are a bunch of children. No different from the rest. I don't feel at all responsible for their well-being.

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Then you dont deserve them.

I feel this all too well. I can never get everything together enough to be happy. If things are going well I just feel empty, and question why. I look back and regret almost every life choice I made, and it feels like now it would be pointless to try to change everything. Sometimes it comforts me to know that out there other people are fucking up just as bad as I am, because I feel less alone, but mostly I just feel bad for them too.

*tickle tickle* cheer up user, everyone was meant to exist, even if ones joy is to come through masochism it can be obtained whilst still maintaining productivity and the development of oneself. Should you focus on only one aspect of existence then you may suffer in the future whence alternate perspectives are inevitable forced through age.

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it really comforts me that people feel the same way, this thread is really the first time i found someone relatable, that makes me feel a bit less alone in this world

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>I can never get everything together enough to be happy. If things are going well I just feel empty, and question why.
holy fuck I do this same shit, it's like I semi-subconsciously sabotage myself whenever there's a chance of actually getting my shit together. Did it just a few months ago, I was feeling alright for once and getting my drinking under control but then the reality of being in my last semester of school hit too hard and the drinking rocketed up and I started shooting heroin again and started shooting meth too, I stopped those but the drinking is fucking bad. Fucked up the semester too and now I'm a goddamn hikkikomori

>Id pick a task and do it the most difficult way possible just to punish myself.
Why are you punishing yourself? Don't punish yourself unless you intend to punish every person on the planet. We all screw up, and its natural

Children canbe kinda cute, though, as annoying as they are.

It makes me feel a little better hearing this. as lame as it sounds comforting others and bettering the lives of people around me does bring a little bit of happiness. but it doesn't change my situation, and the emptiness will eventually come back

you guys seem alright, wouldn't mind hearing more from people like this. Its nice being able to connect with people even if it is over something like this

If you hate your family, then find a family of your own, user. You know that game kids would play, with the cup that has a hole in the bottom that you fill with water and try to run to the other side? That is humans, except the hole is the entire bottom of the cup. We are all empty, but we have to stick together.

user, you are beautiful. You may not think so, fuck, the whole rest of the goddamn world may not think so, but I do.

I do it to see how long it takes for me to break. It's becoming harder and harder. I just don't care anymore. Putting my efforts into some pointless task at least passes the time.
But I'm trying to do the opposite. I don't really want to be tied to any person in any way. I'll never marry or have children either.

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Also, I love you. You are exactly how you were made to be, and nothing should be able tochange that. Ever.

thanks Kevin

If you enjoy self-loathing you could try seeking out artists/writers who deal with that subject. I recommend "No Longer Human" by Dazai. It's a quick read, so no big commitment.

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I usually have this mindset when I work out, I just do without thinking. Ill keep running despite the ridiculous cramping in my legs, and then Ill keep doing more and more shit until my body just stops, its like I am doing it to atone for something and I cant figure out what I am atoning for.

Notes from Underground is another good short one

Agreed. Do you have any other recommendations? Reading "Der Steppenwolf" right now, but I don't like it as much, so far. It's not bitter enough.

If you exist it is because it was meant that way. If you're miserable it's because you have things to learn from the suffering. The name of the game is finding a way out. And death Will not help.

>"No Longer Human" by Dazai
i'll definitely have a look

>emptiness will eventually come back
i think it never really leaves, but there are theese moments, when i dont have to fear it but feel comforted by the emptiness

it really helps, doesnt it? I hope one day there will be a point where evryone will be open about themselve like this

i'll try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, even if i know he cant really help me, i'm still interested on what he has to say, as it cant be the first encounter with someone like us
i'll keep you updated, good night to everyone

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>i'll definitely have a look
Yeah, I think you would like it.
There's also an anime adaptation, called Aoi Bungaku. It's only three or four episodes since the anime covers several different Japanese literary works.
"No Longer Human" is the first story it features. It gives you backround information on the author and is made in a way, that it doesn't take away from the experience of reading the book after, if you're concerned about spoilers. The soundtrack is fucking amazing, as well.

No ones meant to exist user, youre just along for the ride.

Look at it this way...
You're standing in front of a rollercoaster. You hear a lot of people complaining about how scary or how sick it made them, you hear other people talk about how much fun they had.
Do you get on the coaster?

And if you don't, might as well go out spending all your money or your life doing something crazy fun or destructive.