Please help me turn my life around

>do you seriously think I can live in a monastery without being a freaking burden to them?

they have great patience

Just neck yourself already
Oh wait! You can't LMAOOOO

I heard online that I could maybe use Kool Aid mix and fake sugar to mix with water, would that be a good way to get water?

This is the only place on the internet where people will LARP about having a worse life than they actually do

That won't make a difference man, my own family already hates me. I doubt some monk will have the patience it takes to care for me.

Fucking child, gtfo

This nigga did not just say popcorn for vegetables. Op Jesus fucking Christ you realize what you have is an addiction and simply slowing it down isn't gonna do jack shit, you have to stop completely.

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leave now if your not going to give advice.

Dude I literally CANNOT eat vegestables. Its almost like eating dogfood to me. The popcorn i'm referring to is low in butter and has sea salt.

>25 y/o Virgin
Don't sweat it. The world doesn't become a different place and you don't become a different person when you stick your dick in a wet hole.
>5'5
Complaining won't fix it, nothing will. Just accept that you're short. It's really not that big of a deal
>Blood pressure
>Hurts to stand
>Beetus
All a result of your weight. Once you get that shit fixed, all of this will become a non-issue (apart from the beetus, but you're just going to have to accept that).
>I don't like vegetables
>I don't like water
>I don't like grilled or sauteed meats
I don't give a fuck about what you LIKE to eat, you're going to eat what you NEED, which is broccoli and chicken that hasn't been broiled in a deep fat fryer. Water is free and less costly than soda - plus it won't rot your teeth to shit. You'll get used to the taste in a week or so. Seriously just drink water if you want your piss to stop coming out brown. It's imperative to your health.
>Foodstamps and short budget
Cut out soda, cut out vidya, food should be your main cash-sink. If you don't eat healthy you are going to die early. This is priority one and everything else is secondary.
>Addicted to porn
Nofap is a meme, instead make a pact with yourself to cum only 3 times a week. Limit your masturbation.
>Called ugly
Fuck 'em. If you are ugly, then don't worry about it for now; it's a secondary priority. Fixing your weight comes first.
>Acne
That's because you eat shit. Stop eating shit and it will clear itself up
>Hairline
Just shave it bro

As for exercise, go for short walks. Most weight loss will come from eating healthy, but some light exercise will be good for you and help the process along. Try to make ten to twenty minutes of time a day to get in some stair-climbing, or strolling, shit like that.

Leave now if you arent taking advice. Giving these shitty excuses to not do something is wasting everyone’s time here.
>wont eat healthy
>wont eat less
>wont drink water
Will you at least exercise or is that too much work too?

If this isn't bait homie you're already coming at it from a bad angle. All of your ideas for your plan are terrible.

Don't drink anymore soda, literally only drink water. Carbonated is alright as a good way to get you to drink it. It can't have sugar.

Eat actual vegetables. Popcorn is not a vegetable. Force yourself to eat them and love them. Do not put butter or cheese on them.

Eat lean protein thats cooked in a healthy way. No deep fried anything. Get a crockpot. You can make very easy flavorful healthy meals.

Start going on walks.

Nofap or masterbate without any porn.

Seriously you have to 100% commit or you will fail. Stop pussy footing around and go all in or continue being a fat worthless sack of shit and die young.

>strict diet, no sugary shit and no fast food
>only drink water (I don't give a shit that you think you can't drink it, do it or stay fat, NOBODY gives a fuck about you and your petty excuses)
>vegetables (no, nobody gives a shit they're like do-food to you, do it or stay fat)
>cystic acne? Accutane, I don't care that you think it'll kill you, it won't, so do it or live with the acne

>My food stamps only allow me to buy high sugar carbs
no they don’t
.t someone who was a poor fag

I will assume this is not a bait post and give a serious answer.
First of all your lifestyle is absolute shit, no wonder your body and overall health are the way they are.
You need to give yourself a powerful slap across the face and completely change your lifestyle.
You need to understand that changing will take time and you don't have the mental fortitude to achieve it, thus it is very likely that you will fail, that is why you need to create failsafes and constant reminders to keep pushing on, it's not that it will be hard per se, it is only that you are not accustomed to a healthy lifestyle and it will take time for you to undo the damage you've done up to the point when you begin feeling good.
You need to completely change your diet, no sugar, no fried shit, no processed shit, cook your own food, eat your veggies, avoid unhealthy fats.
Drink at least 2 liters of water/day, non negotiable.
I recommend counting macros using an app, lifesum is a pretty noob friendly app because of how easy to use it's interface is, download it and begin tracking your food, think of the process as a game where your goal is to get the right numbers at the end of the day.
Well, that's literally all you gotta do, you just have to do it for a long time.
I don't really recommend signing up to a gym for at least 3 months where you get used to your new healthy diet and absence of bad habits.
Remember that the state of your body is the amalgamation of all your habits and choices, if you look and feel like shit it is because you made bad choices for all those years, you won't be able to undo the damage in just one year so you need to have realistic goals and expectations, yes, you can look like a completely different person in one year but you need to learn to set your sights in goals of a longer term.
Watch yt videos on nutrition and such, there's so much shit going around that it will be impossible to fuck up.
Godspeed

eat vegetables, even though its gross to you just eat some. Eat roasted mushrooms or some type of veggie just pick one start with one you can eat. Don't drink kool-aid with water. Try different water brands they all taste different, go out in the sun and sit in the sun sweat and feel thirst then drink water.

Give up your computer/media for a month, rest sleep, get up move, go for a walk even if it hurts just start with that like a small walk, fast from food for 8 hours or 12 hours. Only eat 2 or 3 times a day small meals, with protein and veggies forget carbs you can eat them but just a little don't carb max

Do this and love life you will make it if you do this don't drink kool-aid water please op

What does 340 look like at 5'5? Can you post a body pic?

corn is a fattening carb and it’s full of anti nutrients cut out the corn go to eating just straight eggs and rice if you can take it eat sauerkraut

If I told you to eat dogfood would you do it?

Thats what eating vegetables and drinking water is to me? Are there any vegetable alternatives? I will say that I can eat celery if I have dip on the sides. Can I just eat celery? Other than that, thank you for the advice, although I can't workout because I can barely stand for more than 5 minutes.

Op i would greatly appreciate it if you post a picture of your body and a picture of your food cupboard so we can have a decent reference of what the situation we're working on is and hopefully give you better help and advice

yes, if it was between gaining 100 lbs over 6 years and eating dog food I would. he’ll Id eat straight salted clay

The water is just kool-aid with fake sugar. Is that really bad for you?

Is this a joke?

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I hope

Would you recommend some healthy tv dinners? I don't think I can cook well enough to make my own meals

post body

I'm not posting a picture of myself on Jow Forums, too many autistic siociopaths, plus as a fat guy I could see my picture being spread aroud this site

Just censor your face you fat idiot.

I live in america, I don't have access to saukraut, plus isn't saurkraut cabbage? I can't really eat vegestables

an hero

Buy a fucking crockpot from goodwill and google recipes

If the alternative was dying of heart disease then yes. Overweight people often die horrendous and agonising deaths at young ages.
Can you at least eat fruit (there's a lot of natural sugars in fruit so it isn't exactly ideal, but it's better than snickers). As for the standing problem, you'll have to break up your workouts - it doesn't have to be all at once. Have five or four minute walks around your living room, get a pair of light dumbells online and curl in your chair, try to do a situp on your bed. Just get some form of activity in.

This. I want proof this isn't just a troll.

Nobody's asking you to post your face. Just give us a picture of an arm with a timestamp. If anything people on this board will applaud you for trying to make a difference instead of resigning yourself to your fate like all those other fatties.

>fat LARPing
Is there no bottom to this cesspit?

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do you have a stove?

Jesus stop having such a shitty attitude

Can't believe I'm responding to this but you are 100% setting yourself up for failure the way you're approaching this. You can't change your life on your terms by eating popcorn and sweet potatoes and only having 1 soda a day. You need to eat vegetables and lean meats indefinitely. Doesn't fucking matter that you don't like them your life depends on it you're going to die not eating Vegetables.

my walmart sells it it’s around the soups
and it tastes nothing like cabbage it taste like salt and vinegar chips

Only you can turn your life around. If dying before you see 40 isn’t enough motivation I don’t know what to tell you

Do this right, or actually fucking give up. There's no half-assed way to fitness.

I'm only doing this so I can have sex. Is a heart attack really that horrendous? If I have to eat vegestables on a daily basis just to have sex, I would honestly be okay with dying.young.

100x this

to be completely honest, living to be old would suck. You don't want to have another human being wiping your ass, I literally cannot eat a normal diet, nor do I think I could afford enough vegestables to satasfy my hunger.

Lmao fat people don't stand a chance in this life.

Then die. Die now. Why wait? You are nothing but a burden to yourself and others. I feel bad for your skeleton. It never asked for this.

What about whole wheat pasta? If I mix whole wheat pasta with some low fat ground beef would that be a good way to get the fiber I need plus the muscle building protein?

If you can't stop eating shit you're gonna die at 40 probably sooner get your shit together or you're dead

I'm calling it this is a bait

Jesus Christ it's a head of fucking broccoli and runner beans. It's not cyanide. Want an easy route? Fine. Fry it up with some onions, mushrooms, garlic and bits of chicken (no butter). Fried onions make practically everything at least edible.

I don't really like the texture of mushrooms

First if you want to be generally happier in life, exercise is not the most important thing, neither is having sex. The most important thing you can have is spiritual fulfillment:

Watch this video:
youtube.com/watch?v=WDEBz25lGdY

As for the exercise and sexual health.

For exercise:
Realize a couple of things. First, you are not going to make rapid progress over night. It takes time to get in shape, especially if you are very obese. Diet helps you lose most of the weight. I know you don’t like them, but vegetables are important. You don’t have to eat a lot but everyday you should be eating at least 1 vegetable and 1 fruit. Apples are tasty and healthy and have a lot of sugar so they are a good substitute for junk food. Also, for vegetables, do carrots because they are crunchy and are easy in the taste buds. 1 apple a day 1 carrot a day. Also try to limit your soda/candy/junk food consumption. You can still eat it just don’t over do it. To make it easy, 1 soda a day or a handful of candy a day or a bowl of chips or whatever. For best results just cut that stuff out entirely.

For exercise, if standing up is really hard, then just literally do that as your exercise, progress is about making small gains over a long time, if it hurts to stand for more than five minutes, just stand for say 2 minutes and do it again if you are not sore, give your body a day’s rest and repeat. Once that is easy, just walk to places, near or far, whatever is not injurious or torturous to you. Then just lift small weights. Lots of reps at a moderate weight. etc.

Also, get organic and non-GMO fruits and vegetables because companies like spraying insect poison on the produce and changing the DNA of it (unnatural foods), organic and non-GMO fruits and veggies are better for you.

Part 2:

Sexual health:
Honestly just get a wife, one night stands will make you depressed long term and only have a short term happiness. There are plenty of dudes who are miserable and have lots of sex. Attracting women is all about confidence. Just be yourself and don’t apologize for it. If you are miserable be miserable, if joyful then joyful. Women appreciate honesty and don’t like pretentious men.

General:
Listen to advice, you may think you are smarter than everyone but listening to others is how you grow. Try to filter the advice though because sometimes people don’t know what they are talking about, go with your gut feeling.

Then don't put them in. Just have a shitload of fried onions with mixed veg and chicken.
I still don't see a picture of your arm anywhere. You sure you aren't baiting?

Do you like the texture of the cellulite surrounding your failing body better?

dude, I'm fucking 5'5 and balding. I was considered ugly even when I was in high school without the sagging skin.

How in the FUCK am I going to get a wife
when I couldn't even get a girl to talk to me in high school.

Based

>Popcorn is not a vegetable.
get a load of this guy

FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR

You're a bigger bitch than literally any woman on Earth. You're already fucked unless you somehow become a fucking man and take responsibility here.

If you can eat celery with dip that is better at least than having no vegetables

OP's gonna die before this thread, lol

Okay, I may try this for a while then.

So Celery. Check.

What about meats? Should I get low fat beef and chicken?

Can I still eat the air fried sweet potatoes?

Lol self doubt is what brought you to this state in the first place. Hahaha NEVER IMPROVE

>Is a heart attack really that horrendous?
Yes, imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, you get a sharp pain like someone is stabbing your with a katana and you can barely breathe. It’s not funny and if it happens to you, God forbid, you won’t be joking

Also you have to responsibility for your life. If you just say “I don’t like that/I don’t want to do that” every time someone gives you solid advice you’ll be fat forever

I'm just asking for help within certain perameters. In typical bodybuilder and athlete fashion, I instantly got insulted for trying to make changes.

Dude, just type “hot girl with fat guy” in google images. Plenty of fat guys get laid. The issue is not your weight it is your attitude. Does your fitness level improve your chances at finding a woman? Yes, but ultimately it is your personality. You have this defeatist attitude of: “No matter what I do I’ll fail”. If you plan to fail you will fail, if you plan to succeed you will succeed.

You have no experience with women and you are insecure, and honestly it’s not that big of a deal those things are just inside your head. There are plenty of women that want to date some insecure dude out of pity. If I were you I’d try dating sites, also be honest, don’t try to make yourself seem skin in the profile pic. Just be fat now and be ok with it. And when you lose the weight be skinny and ok with it

And in typical shitposter fashion, you still haven't posted proof that you aren't bullshitting.

If I was in your straights and eating dog food was the only thing that would help me then it would be the only thing I would eat, day in, day out. Let's be realistic here. What did you actually come here for? You should have known you weren't going to accept any of the possible advice we could give you. So what did you have to gain? Did you just want to justify it to yourself? To say, well I tried to get some help, it's not my fault they didn't help me! Or maybe you were just looking for some magic secret that all the fit people have that you just didn't know about? Well here's your magic secret: leave the fucking house and go for a walk for at least an hour every day. Or at least try to build up to that. Every damn day fitness on YouTube talks about training for fatties, though mainly about what not to do. Did you just want to be told you can do it? That you can fix yourself and sort your life out? Well you definitely can. If you need support and advice, look for the /fat/ threads. You've just got to build the right habits, brother. It's a long road, but the one you're heading down is very, very short

Jesus Christ, can somone just tell me if low fat beef and chicken legs are a good meat?

And are air fried sweet potato fries a good carb? I've been in this thread for 2 hours and we haven't made ANY progress. I'm starting to get literally sleepy.

Eat celery and carrots with houmous. Maybe try and find some gay healthy organic salsa or sour cream and chives

I don't need you talking down to me like your some type of better person. You don't even know me man.

I was planning on eating it with some ranch dip

Eat at least 4 sticks a day to compensate for the dip.

As for meats. Taking the skin off is a meme. Eat the dark meat of chicken (the legs, the thighs and the wings) they are delicious. It is not that healthy but it is a step in the right direction. Chicken is natural, soda is not. If you still need something sweet to drink, get fruit juice, but just try to limit your consumption (it is best to juice it yourself). Avoid juices at the store that are not 100% juice and are not in jars.

For your sweet potatoes, substitute it for this: Grill up some onions, like a fuck load. Chop them up, but them in a bag overnight with some marinade and grill them. The marinade will sweeten them and the grilling them with make them a very soft.

Yes. They are. Don't deep fry the chicken.

I'm not a bodybuilder. I'm a very average person just trying to make better choices and even I am upset with you. You know why people are giving you shit? Because every single person who makes that choice to do better, to eat better, learn more, take chances and do things outside their comfort zones are trying to do right by themselves and those they care about. They put work in. Real honest work. They struggle and they barter with themselves too. The difference is they don't quit. They accept their mistakes and missteps and try again. Good health is a choice and a lifestyle and listening to you make excuses and flail about annoys people who know how hard it can be and work their fucking asses off to combat it. You can get sympathy and support but not like this OP.

Nobody here is a bodybuilder or athlete.

If you’re not hungry enough to cook you’re not hungry enough to eat.

Also, try replacing soda with kombucha.

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You're basically already an old fuck you idiot. You can't even stand for 5 minutes. Yeah it would be shit to be old, because we'll turn into you, right now. Don't tell me you can wipe your own arse properly. I'll be more active at 90 than you are right now and I'm living my life to make sure that's a fact

People will always give you shit if you are fat for trying to better yourself. Don’t take it to heart, often these people are just trying to make themselves seem better by bringing you down by comparison and usually these people are very insecure.

Remember that you need to make progress at a speed that is suitable for you and not for others. You know your body best. It takes time and unfortunately idiots will make it harder for you. Just ignore them, if they are openly mocking you. Just tell them to quit harassing you and that you have every right to make a better life for yourself. These people hate someone who is bold, because only cowards would try to wantonly impede the progress of someone who has done no harm to them.

I actually like juice and have some in the house. Sunny Delight is my favorite, so I'll try to stop drinking the sodas tomorrow.

If I had your body I could get a girl. If you had my body you couldn't. This is your problem.

Here's your meal plan OP
>morning eggs and some black coffee
>noon broiled chicken and baked broccoli and half a cup of rice
>evening fish, steak, or chicken breast and sweet potato

Just eat that for a month then you can expand out into more options.

Chicken health high tier:
Skinless breast
Skinless thigh

Ok tier:
Drumstick
Wing (not fried)
Rotisserie bird

shit tier:
Formed chicken (fritters or patties)
Fried chicken
Any chicken skin

I don't like broiled or grilled chicken. or Broccoli. I may air fry the chicken though. I'm going to replace the broccoli with celery

Sunny D isn't fruit juice. You should have learned that before age 10

you probably look like shit just like me bro. Your probably a virgin like me bro. The fact that your on this site proves your a loser too

You do you man so long as you're not replacing the vege with a sugar. Broccoli does have several health benefits that celery doesn't but that can be a discussion for later.

I was being nice. But since you bring it up, I am a better person. I highly doubt it's for the same reasons you think I think I am though

I don't need you sneaking in some sarcastic douchbaggery. What juice should I drink then clown?

I don't know you, but I know you're right

You were talking down to me the same way everyone I've ever spoken with in my life has. Dude just fuck off with your jordan peterson esque advice. clown.