I'm not supposed to be happy

I'm not supposed to be happy.

Not that I'm happy very often. The vast majority of the time I am not happy. But when I am happy, it'll only be for a little bit. Once I realize I'm happy, I start internally screaming at myself "THIS ISN'T YOU, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY"

And it's not like I don't want to be happy. I want to be happy. I really, really want to be happy. But I literally start shaking when people are kind to me and I have to walk away because my stomach hurts and I feel like I'm about to throw up. And that would just ruin it anyway, so I do run away.

I'm just not meant to be happy.

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No one is supposed to be happy. Happy people are happy because they want to be, not because they deserve it.

nothing makes sense. happy people are happy when they make other people happy, the cycle continues. Me, personally, I've accepted I will never be happy, as well.

I doubt any of them would agree with the "deserve" part. If anything, because they think they deserve it, it's better for them to want it.

If you are hearing voices you should probably seek professional help.

Finlandia is one of the worst vodkas.

I enjoy it. It's smoother, goes down easier, gets me fucked up faster.

I don't enjoy drinking, I enjoy being drunk. So I drink Finlandia.

Happiness is a temporary emotion. Accept it when it comes, mourn it when it's lost.
You sound like you have trauma you should work out with a professional

Stoli or Smirnoff goes down much smoother, but everyone has their preference. Enjoy the buzz friend.

You shouldnt mourn lost happiness, just be glad it happen

It's a fancy way of saying let yourself be sad when you're sad, and happy when you're happy.

>Once I realize I'm happy, I start internally screaming at myself "THIS ISN'T YOU, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY"
Are you me OP? I think it's simply we've been miserable for so long we literally forgot what happiness is like, and we have a strong fear of the unknown. Not even a "self hate" issue or any of that crap, it's a foreign state.

And what if I'm always sad?

Then you have a mental disorder and should seek treatment for it

>mental disorder
big meme

Only as big a mean as professional help is, which does, in many cases, actually help.

Then get happy

For me, it's because of the low that always came after the high. The happy moments are so rare that after having one, I drop into harmful self-reflection and come to the point where I realize it's an anomaly and I'm not gonna have one for another few months and the fucking despair I feel at that point lasts for days. I think it created a conditional reflex in me, where momentary happiness is associated with existential despair, and thus my body fears and rejects it at some unconscious level now.

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Sunday Depression Syndrome, where you can't enjoy Sunday for worry of the coming Monday.

For me it's been so many years that more than a conditional reflex it becomes simply shocking, like so freaking out of place and unknown I run away asap. Not even enough time passes for it to leave a mark an ensuing reflex, it's like a rat running away frantically from a powerful light, it's instinctive.


based lobster

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