Depressed anons - general thread

My parents were abusive to me growing up. And we also moved around a lot, even through 3 countries. I subsequently failed to develop normal connections and was always stressed and depressed, causing me to stay back a few times.
I finally finished high school at 19 this year even with a high GPA and college credits, but feel alone and empty, with no motivation or hope to achieve anything.
I really tried my hardest to connect to some people during my few years; but it seems no one wishes to do so with me. I don't know what I did wrong, and always wonder what I could've done better. I also tried finding some passion, but to no avail- ending with a soulless jack of all trades curse.
All I want is a connection with someone, maybe go ride a bike to the park with them or remember what a hug feels like; maybe even a kiss. But all I see is a bleak and lonely future in which I end up wage slaving and rotting away in my lonely apartment.
Should I just save myself the trouble and an hero now?

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19 is still young. Go to college. Its a good way to make friends and meet girls(or boys).

Kek, I have the same issue. I have tons of little deformities because my dad was on heroin. It's fine, people have told me it's not that bad, and I was one of the worst cases my doctor's had. I haven't gotten it fixed or anything, but I assure you, it isn't as bad as you think.

>my dad was on heroin
How is this supposed to work?
Isn't half a dna always half a dna unrelated to if it's swimming in heroin or not?

Do they have weight gain side effects? I've gained a lot of weight since really falling off the deep end and I worry if i gain much more weight it'll just get worst

Kek, that's just the excuse I've always used. I'm probably just incredibly genetically unlucky.

Im still single and haven't met anyone new in the past 5 years.

I've regressed into my depression again and tried telling my best friend how worthless I am
He kept telling me Im not worthless and how he loves me and I just got angry and told him no.
Now im isolated again and well fuck this shit

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my parents are making me go to some counselor/therapist/something for 'depression' soon. once i get my health insurance card in the mail

i think i'm more schizoid than anything. i obviously hate interacting with them, i can't be happy in their presence. so they only see me miserable, but i can't say that to them, it would absolutely crush them. also they just think "go to a doctor" fixes literally anything

don't like wageslaving? go to a doctor
don't like spending your free time interacting with normies? go to a doctor

etc

I wasted highschool being a fat shut-in and now that I'm out I have no friends at all. I'm scared that I will be this way forever and that I will eventually neck myself.

I hate people with depression

So do people with depression

Dont do that to then user. They care about you and want to help you

i gotta drive 30mins to get the car checked out. Just cbf, but it's gotta be done.

I'm just tired of everything. Everybody seems so fake, nobody is genuine any more. They all wanna keep up appearances or maintain connections rather that just enjoy life with people they like. Dating apps have made dating so impersonal and cold, the internet has turned us into sex fiends, it's all just so tiresome.
I just wanna go on a neverending roadtrip

>any more
How old are you?
I don't think people were ever genuine. You just didn't notice because you were younger, lacked insight. People were always dumbfucks. That's just how most humans are. Why would that change? Social media? I just have to look at older people like my grandparents who don't have any internet at all and only watch old people tv. They seemed genuine when I was younger but now I only noticed what fucking superficial assholes they actually are, how my grandma always lies to stirr up fights between other people and how she only cares about looks. Same goes for other relatives. The older I got the more they turned from fun and complex people to superficial and one sided cunts. I only ever met one single guy who I could have convos with about any random topic for houres.
He was almost 30 and a neet. I miss him.

I have no realistic dreams or goals or real motivation for anything. It's been like this for a long time. Only thing that gave me genuine enjoyment were video games but even they don't cut it anymore. I'm a dental medicine student and although I'm pretty good and get good grades I genuinely don't give a shit about what I'm studying. I started studying it because it looked interesting, had biology which was my favorite subject in school and my aunt is a prominent dentist in my town which with all the competition here will help me out immensely. Now several years later I keep at it because I started it and can't think of nothing better to do. I'm just going with the flow and doing nothing new. I don't want to travel like many people my age because it genuinely does nothing for me. I've only traveled with my parents and it's boring. My closest and oldest friends are neckbeards who stay home all day, my high-school friends are mostly in other countries and my costudents are alright but are the definition of normies and I can't stand the modern culture of my country. That's also why I'm bored and hate clubs and social events. I don't care about cars, sports or even getting an apartment. I'm a kissless virgin but it doesn't bother me one bit. Only thing I regret is this girl that I missed my chance with. And I think about her every day and dream about her every night. She's genuinely all I want but I wasn't sure if I actually liked her when she was free and acted way too slow with her so she found a bf before I can ask her out. We're close friends and costudents so we spend alot of time together. I feel helpless every time I remember I will never be with her because I was a fucking retard and hesitated. And here I am, I should be sleeping because I've got a balls hard exam coming up but every time I close my eyes I can only think of her and how we can't be together which makes me feel even more worthless.

I guess you're right, nobody was ever genuine. That doesnt really make it better though

Does your name start with a 'J', and with a last name that starts a 'R'?

I got a job, apartment, antidepressants, and started practicing wicca. I was feeling pretty good the last few weeks.
These last few days I've been feeling the urge to go out and socialize with people, which is pretty cool, but I don't have any friends, which is pretty shitty. I live in this shitty gentrified tourist town and making friends is pretty hard, especially for people like me. Meetup apps are pretty dead and any local events I go to are usually full of boomers.
I just wanna have peopleto hang out with, I have online friends but that is no substitute for the real thing.
also been tired all the time lately, how do I counter this? i get my 8 hrs of sleep

I'm sitting here in my father's garden at 3am with my labtop and comfy blankets thinking about my shit life. I've bought another math book which I'm not going to read anyway because I can already heat the house with them throughout the winter and my mind is way too burnt out from all the social and existential stress at the ripe age of fucking 22 to grasp any new concepts. Exam time in coming and I don't give a fuck. This shit "uni" is lowering the niveau every fucking year while it sends you to even more fucking shit waste of time courses like "job applications with linkedin" in the pretence of "this is important for your career". Like I care about my career. When my uni time ends so does my life. No more time for off topic math and other random shit. No, 40hours a week + drive there and home + 1h wasted for lunch time makes about 50h a week. Friendly reminder: I get paid 40 of them. And don't forget mandatories like shitting, eating and laundry. Yes, that's fun. That's life. Oh yeah sleep too. Makes about 62h from 168h for mandatories and myself a week. What do I get out of it? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE. -40% tax and additional 19% on everything I buy means I can spend 48% of my money for random shit I neither need nor want. What does the normalfag buy? A car.
>You jelly, dude?
>You jelly now?
>I have a fancy car now yeahhhh. I'm the king of the world
A fucking 800$ smartphone aka tracking device made for 150$ in a shithhole which obliterates nature without remorse while we get another unrealistic and plain stupid law to safe the bees.
Yes, safe the bees. Take away the farmers' land. We don't need food anyway, amirite? If we run out we'll just import from India. Dating? Ha, lel. Chad can do what he wants: Chad has always a great personality.
>H-he's such a jerk uwu
>He's shy. Aw cute
>He raped a baby? That's in the past. He's a new Chad now
*ugly guy does something*
>ew creep

christ, i don't know where to start. my life has become literally nothing, i've found purpose in going and searching for old godzilla films in the dollar dvd bins and watching them at night. i'm not going to college and i'm out of high school now, didn't graduate. i'm just over, it's done. i have 1 real life friend left and we're going in different directions, he's a weepy willow shitsack like myself but that's his whole personality, it's just different, y'know? lost two of my closest friends about a month ago after i started dating one and things fell apart, so she's gone and then our mutual friend went with her. we'll never speak again. i just took a shower for the first time since like saturday or sunday, my life is just sleep-eat-shit-jack off-piss-eat-sleep, same shit. i end the day with watching a different godzilla film as it takes me back to when i was a child, i wasn't happier but it wasn't THIS bad. i stopped taking my medication because it did literally NOTHING, it was just normal wellbutrin. didn't help with my depression or anxiety. i was working out for a while because i started talking with my ex and our mutual friend again but i don't see the point anymore since they're gone. it wasn't for me. my dad constantly rants and raves about how i'll never be a man because i'm skinny. i've been trying to get my 1 friend to come over and we could try to film like a youtube show or something since we were both considered funny back in high school. i sleep for most of the day and stay awake at night, when i sleep i just try to stay in a "dream world" where things went right.

the worst feeling on the planet is your therapist telling you that she doesn't know what to tell you

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If you're Chad not only females will suck your cock but dudes will too. If you're ugly on the other hand you might as well shoot yourself.
>no trust
>no attraction
>no respect
And finally: No hope.
You either have to be good looking or rich to have fun here. I don't see the point of living any longer.

I have a good job and my own condo. I drive an nice new car. But i am want to jump off a cliff

>no friends
>no girlfriends
>social anxiety
>wake up wanting to die
>i exist to work

I end up staring off my upstairs balcony at the mountains in the distant. A nice glass of whiskey next to me and a cig burning in my hand. Every night. Hoping a plane will fall out of the sky onto my house. Because I am too cowardly to do it myself. Then I go to sleep. Wake up and repeat.

No, that isnt me. Origilnia stentence

I'm 22, been majorly depressed since I was 15, and I fucking hate life honestly. Can't wait til I die. I wish I could get laid and have some sort of fun. Instead I'm cuckolded by a mental disease.

>being (((#depressed))) when youre not trans
>ishyddt

I was listening to the music the people I used to hang out with would listen to back when it was fun to hang out with them (asking Alexandria and shit of the sort) I was never a fan, but now listening to it reminds me of drinking energy drinks in the morning at this one guy's trailer while his friend talked about how big his penis was and some other guy played call of duty. Man those were the days, not a worry in the world, we'd all get together in the morning and talk shit all day, listen to music or play guitar, thought those days would never end, but everyone started smoking weed and the cool thing to do was no longer playing guitar it was smoking and then everyone got jobs and we all drifted apart, there were other factors contributing to our split and now all those bridges are burnt, Everyone else ended up getting together but I drifted too far off. I died and changed into something unrecognizable from what I was and now we'll never even reminisce, we won't ever gather around the TV while j tries to find himself in the crowd at warped tour on a YouTube video. Now I'm all by myself, truely by myself, before I at least had that acquaintance. Now all I have is faded memories of the closest thing to friends that I had and nothing else, just a shitty boring, spirit draining job and a dark dirty room at my moms house. Every day is the same shit on repeat, go to work, some retard at work taunts me as if begging me to shoot up the place, sit in traffic for hours, get home and prepare lunch for the next day, sleep and repeat. I don't think I can take it much longer, I'm thinking of jumping off the train and fading into the woods hope I get torn to pieces by cayotes, we don't even have wolves here.

>therapist
>she
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
It's the therapists' job to convince you of the normalfags' delusion that life is a magical fairy tale in which the protag always wins becuase he wants it so much more than everybody else.
If you view it realistically though, life's not that magical. This sadly doesn't solve your problem though and I can't help you either. I can't find any friends myself. I'd like to gather a small group of 3-5 people to work towards a goal that could generate income so we can break loose from the inevitable wagecucking but no one seems to have ambition. It's all so sad.

user, there is no point in life. But isn't that the best part about it? You make your own purpose, I think that's what people think free will is, whether it is or not.

this, i'm trying to get my fuckin friend off his ass but he just doesn't see the point in doing anything. at least i'm trying to make a name for myself doing funny-man shit. i'm trying to save up for a plane ticket to england to meet my 2 online friends i've known since like 2012, since they want to make a show too. would actually work, y'know what i mean? i keep listening to the song "Time Adventure", gay shit but it just helps

are you me?
ssris only made me sleep better but did fuck all
valium is great if you can get it

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>Trying out Ubuntu 19.04
>Attempting to install Waterfox
>Nothing seems to work, everything is foreign to me
>Feel more pathetic and depressed that I can't do something so seemingly simple
>Frustration is rising
>Punch myself in the side of the head a couple times
>Run a knife along my arm as punishment

I hate being alive.

just use chromium

Diagnosed with depression,schizophrenia, the works at 11 years old. Am 20 now. I don't think it gets any better, folks. I've spent damn near the past decade here on this website wasting away.

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so stop being a fat ass shut in and go outside

Just find a different girl then idiot. There's fuckloads of them

Different browser same "problem"

Why don't you take brain expansion drugs user? You're gonna die eventually it might be worth a shot.

what problem? just go to the terminal and type in sudo apt install chromium-browser

The terminal freezes up

I've fallen for someone painfully distant who has an active social life and it hurts knowing they're out doing things and having fun with people and probably not thinking about me at all.
Also stressed about not being able to find a job after searching near constantly the past 4 months. 3 temp agencies can't even get me anything. No one wants me.
Money in the account getting lower and lower. Think I might just jump soon.

is it asking for a password? type in your password and press enter, the cursor doesn't move when you type your password in. if its actually freezing you can press ctrl+c and it will kill whatever it was doing

Story of my closest attempt
>exist
>fuck this gay earth
>decide I will an hero
>aquire ar-15 (don't ask why I didn't just get a shotgun, I'm just retarded)
>set up last meal
>write suicide note
>throw away note because it was stupid
>put barrel into my mouth
>take a deep breath
>exhale
click
click
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
>what
>gun literally fucking jammed
>it fucking jammed
>IT
>FUCKING
>JAMMED
>have a mental breakdown
>cut the fuck out of my arm in anger
>someone comes into my apartment after hearing all the noise
>see me curled up in a ball on the ground with a shit ton of cuts on my forearm with a gun in my arms
>they call the police
>get put in a pysch ward for 4 months
I really wish I was lying

I went out last night and I liked this girl, let's call her GIRL 1. I was sober, and this other girl (GIRL 2) was with us, both friends. I had also a guy friend with me who is into GIRL 2.

GIRL 1 and me had a fling ages ago and I really like her, but I ended up making out with GIRL 2 while she was drunk and I sober and I feel horrible about it. Horrible because I still like GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 wont even remember what happened. Now my guy friend is angry at me for making out with GIRL 2, GIRL 1 wont talk to me, and ALSO GIRL 2, 1's friend was there and now she's angry at me too. Might I add we all know each other and were friends! So not only have I ruined the chance I had with my crush, I ended up ruining my relationship with my friends.

There was also GIRL 3 who was not there but was flirting with me on Snap, she is friends with GIRL 2, now i'm screwed.

>all in all iv ruined my relationship with my close friends and now they see me as a sleeze bag and a player but it wall all a mistake
>i ended up saying im sorry to all my friends as the least i could do
>but now im home alone and sad that im lonely again

Typed password when needed and after that it just freezes up

Why not move to canada and just live in the wilderness, build your own cabin and live off the land?

that shouldnt be happening at all, try dropping to shell and installing chromium that way. press ctrl+alt+f3, try installing it there, you can get back to your desktop by pressing ctrl+alt+f7 (i think its f7, its one of the F keys, maybe F6)

>spend every day doing things I hate
>going to uni for shit I hate
>hate myself
>project my self hatred onto every other living being
>actually have solid friends but my brain convinces me they hate me

>lose my girlfriend and my best boy
>accidentally my puppy dies
>8 year relationship girl blocks me
>lose my mind
>go to work on speed (4 months later, never ends)
>come home to work
>go to work on speed
>come home from work
>drink
>go to work on speed
>come home from work
>drink
>continue.

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I've been diagnosed with severe depression recurrent without psychotic features and people assume or accuse me of being depressed
but I don't believe I am depressed, I've just accepted things and let them happen without being too concerned with them
I still cut myself, but that's not because I'm sad, it's just something I do
They also said because I regularly stay up 20-40 hours at a time and sleep 9-20 hours at a time means i'm depressed
why can't it just be the enjoyment of sleeping and doing nothing?
it does feel good to sleep for so long and have days dissipeer thats the opposite of depression

>I still cut myself, but that's not because I'm sad, it's just something I do
Hmmm

i'm serious, it doesn't feel good it hurts
but having scars and cuts that i can pick at makes me feel happy
like thats the way it should be and it's only like every couple months i do it
picking at a cut can last quite a long time

Holy fuck, why cant it all just end?

Part of my suffering is caused by knowing it will end.

I know I could enjoy my life more, and I'm wasting it.

What's there to say that hasn't been said countless times before?
I feel as if i'm adrift in a sea of madness, the waves constantly beating me down.

I feel like a stranger in a foreign land in this small town i grew up in.

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>dad was emotionally abusive for my entire child hood and teen years
>incapable of keeping a relationship, friendly or loving
>incapable of even feeling love or anything like it
>anger issues and prone to arguments
I just don't function as a person. I can't even manage friends, or a lover, or anything. I've done this so many times, I've lost groups of friends so many times, but it always hurts so much.
I don't even know where to go now. I've never gone this long with one group before. I don't remember where to go to meet people online. I'm just trapped. I fucked everything up again, and it's so much worse because i did so good for so long and still managed to blow it. I lost a boyfriend, I lost a group of friends, I just have no where to go or no one to talk to. What do I do? I can't fix myself, I've tried therapy, I've tried books, I've tried strict self discipline, I just can't do it. I don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't born.

you're still young. I'm 37, I'm done

I've never related to someone more than now user

I do the top of my thigh, it's rare for people to see that area generally and easily hidden

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why am i procrastinating every way i can instead of writing my paper .why cant i stop doing this retarded fucking shit

bump, but, like, in some original way or something. With spoilers too.

Damn I had something really similar. It really did sounded like someone else was gagging until I took the noose off. I didn't lose consciousness though, so I'm not sure if I can truly call it a suicide attempt...

I don't want a different girl you faggot.

living in a shitty suburb outside of chicago, barely reaching middle class, bunch of russians and pollacks moving in and they're pieces of shit
lost 95 percent of old friends from school since they think i've lost it. i think the last five percent mock me when i'm not around and just use me whenever i see them. old chad aquaintances from school talk to me sometimes through text but i don't know why, probably to use something i've said against me later cause they think i'm weird. i'm unmotivated to do anything. anxiety is bad so i can't really drive, why would you? so many fucking upkeep on a car, and going to the DMV is filled with assholes. i don't know why people hate police officers, old DMV workers are bigger assholes.
think my vision and hearing are killing themselves, tinnitus has gotten pretty bad where it sounds like beeping before i sleep, and my eyes keep picking up on little white specks of dust like every five seconds and it's pissing me off. brothers jokingly tell me i might have schizophrenia but i know it's just full blown autism probably.
know the NSA is probably reading this and knows this poster but i'm okay, please don't be alarmed

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>bunch of russians and pollacks moving in and they're pieces of shit
Maybe you're the piece of shit you xenophobic cunt

nah, small friend group agrees they're pieces of shit.
have you talked to a lower class russian living in america before? they're always assholes for no reason. they're like big retards.

You fucks aren't depressed, look at the third world poverty stricken areas or the starving children of africa, they have a reason to be depressed, your all just a bunch of privileged and pampered faggots that know NOTHING about real depression.
You're all a joke.

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I'm not sure if that's even legal. It's not in Germany(at least not realistically). My family is not the poorest (we are not rich by any means) which means we have land and a few houses. If I manage to get a bit of a passive income with my pretentious and autistic math/cs skills I might still have a comfy life but I'm really struggeling to implement something. Coming up with the ideas is not the problem. It's implementing them. That's a shitton of work. A SHITTON of work for a single burnt out fuckup like me and I can't find anybody who's willing to help me.
I don't know what these retards expect from life but it's not independence and comfyness.
>Tldr:
I haven't given up hope yet and I don't have the balls to move arount the fucking world to Canada to life in a shack.

That's probably still just reward-hacking your brain like normal cutting, just with a less intense sensation. Just so you know.

Seriously hope this is b8

I've been working on getting better, got a job besides uni, joined a club and made a few acquaintances there. But I still feel isolated. I still can't think of a way to make conversations go on for longer than 2 minutes. And that really hurts me, because I always feel I'm not enough for the people around me and wasting their time. All I want is to be able to communicate like a human being and have actual friends.

Also I still fantasize about suicide a and self harm a bunch. But the last time I *actually* hurt myself is probably a month away now.

A year ago...Was decently happy. Good job, gf, solid family.
Found my dad dead. Blame myself partially. Slowly shutdown. Can't function the same at work. Quit job. Ignore friends. Gf is in another country probably banging foreign Chads.
Sleep during the day, awake at night. Accomplished nothing in the past month. Watch YouTube videos and read stuff here. Eat shit food. Drinking wasn't my thing, it is now.
Looking from the outside I know it's stupid, I know I could do better, but can't force myself to do it. Therapists are shit. Drugs don't help. Really sick of feeling like a faggot all the time. I used to laugh at people in this situation. I couldn't understand it. I get it now. Not sure what to do next. Nothing feels right.

Yeah, you're so self centered and absorbed in your delusion of "muh depression" that the moment anyone says otherwise you say its "bait" and immediately dismiss it.
Go outside and cheer up you "depressed" fuck.

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>You can't feel sad because there are people out there worse off than you
>Lmao just go outside and be happy

Were you a sped student by any chance?

I'm not strong enough for this world. I could be of use but I'm not smart enough or brave enough, and I could become one of those things except that nothing seems to inspire me or make me feel what other people would call "meaning". All of my interests are casual. My ideals are half-formed and probably impossible for me to live up to. Hope makes me feel sad because I am powerless, except that I could probably do something good if I actually tried, which I never do.

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>you must be retarded to not understand muh depressions
Your fake depression is a joke, just be grateful that you're alive you ungrateful fuck.
Maybe go outside and have fun instead of spending time in this cringe "depresion" circle jerk of a thread. lmao

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