High school to mental breakdown story

Just for fun

1/

I'm going to try to explore the history of my psychological history, specifically starting in high school.
It should be noted that prior to high school was by no means a normal psychosocial development, I experienced sexual abuse from ages
5 to 8, my mother died a week after my 7th birthday, my father after her death was both a crack addict and an alcoholic, and was very
negligent towards me, physically and emotioanlly. My godfather who lived downstairs who my dad rented from took care of my basic
physical needs such as food and bathing typically. I was bullied from 5th grade onwards.

However, I will go on to early adolescence

Having been kicked out of middle school in 7th grade and sent to alternative school for a semester, then returning to regular
public school for 8th grade, I turned my behavior around, alternative school was effective for fixing my behavior, as I was indeed a
very antisocial child. In 8th grade I found mild success socially as class clown. I browsed Jow Forums from 7th grade onward to the present
day, at age 22. This put me ahead of the curve in regards to humor. I was very funny and had people tell me they love, they would miss
me when we went to our respective high schools, etc. I had friends and a lot of people liked me. Then 8th grade ended.

Attached: mask.jpg (1280x720, 138K)

The summer
between 8th and 9th grade, my brother took me to football conditioning, which was basically just exercise, and eventually,
football practice for the high school I was going into. I had never watched a football game before in my life, on tv or in real life, I was absolutely not familiar with any rules or how the sport actually worked.
I was absolutely clueless and tossed into it. I remember not knowing how to put on my uniform and having a teammate help me, in actual
practice I stood there during plays and I remember a kid there grabbing me and saying "Stop fucking up". This was during a "2 a day"
practice. These involved practicing, eating lunch, watching film, then practicing again. I remember people liking me and encouraging
me to stick with it, and a coach telling me to not quit, but I had no idea what I was doing in any way shape or form, and I was only
doing it because my brother wanted me to. I remember starting actual freshman year of high school and people asking me why I quit.
I told them all basically that I wasn't any good at it, to one group of football players who asked that question I said "i sucked",
the same one who said "stop fucking up" in practice replied to my statement "you got that right" and laughed. this was a sign of
things to come. I recall, just like in middle school, different classes resulted in different behavior and rapport from my peers for
me. This is what I liked about school, a different social setting every hour. I do remember a lot of people liked me for my humor, my
first day and my first class of freshman year I got the nickname "Big G" when the teacher went around and had us introduce ourselves
asking if we had any nicknames or aliases we went by. It stuck and people liked it. the G stood for ginger. I am and was a tall ginger.
I do remember people being shitty.

In math class I had my head down and a kid got soap from a soap dispenser and slapped the back of
my neck with it, I pretended it didn't happen. In another class, in school suspension, a girl told another girl that I said I was
going to touch her hair, to which the second girl said that she would slap me if I did. a girl in one of the classes always smiled at
me when I looked at her, she may have had a crush on me. 9th grade was ultimately very uneventful.

summer between 9th and 10th grade I read into evolutionary psychology and neuroscience somewhat and adopted that materialist
nihilist mindset of everything being neurochemical and psychological nonsense and it all basically boils down to dopamine serotonin,
the pleasure principle and social acceptance. 10th grade for two classes I shared classes with a girl named X. X had a bubbly positive
sociable cheery personality that I adored. On the bus I had to deal with ghetto retards who lived in neighbouring blocks to me outside
of school but in school, empowered by nihilism and evolutionary psychology and watching fight club and american psycho, I could be a
more confident version of myself than who I was in 9th grade. The first class of my day was algebra, then health, then history, then
whatever, then english. I had health and english with this girl. First day of health class I decided to joke when introducing ourselves
and just about literally everyone in the class laughed. I had solidified a social role of a class clown and it caught the attention
of this girl. I don't recall exactly how she introduced herself but we got to talking. We also shared our favorite quotes in english
class the first day, and this was a while after the fact but she tweeted about what i quoted, tweeting "fear is the mother of morality
- user from health/english". She would laugh at my jokes, show me interest, one time in health class she said " im never having babies"

i said "that's what YOU think". she looked at me, then i followed up with "until one night, glug glug glug(drinking noises)"
she said "user!" in an embarrased voice. She would give me money to hold her drink for her during a class where she wasn't allowed to
have the drink. I remember rippping up the money in different classes inspired by fight club.

I recall her walking with another kid
and i was in front of her, she said "user!", i didnt say anything and continued to walk trying to be a cool guy who doesn't give a
fuck. another time before health class, I said "give me a hug" outside of the portable when she walked up to me, I held it for a
long time, i said shit like "i don't want to let go", to which she laughed at, i held it after that and we were rocking back and forth
and we rocked into class foot by foot while she was laughing. honestly one of the better moments of my life. we talked on facebook
after school sometimes. one class she said " I KNOW user's going to homecoming!". I wasn't. I wish i was because maybe i could have
danced with her and had that stored in my memory bank for when im remiscing. but no. we continued to talk. one time in english class
we had a substitute and we borrowed another students phone and listened to music, the song i recall was knights of cydonia by muse,
i liked that she liked that song bc i did too, she sang a long to it. then a guy let me have his aviator sunglasses, the reflective
kind, she came up to me while i was standing wearing them and said something, i told her i like her hair like that. she then adjusted
her shirt in the reflection of my sunglasses, in other words in front of my eyes, to where i could see her cleavage. it was awesome.
then she started acting distance, which i think was because the senior she had a crush on didnt really like her back. she stopped
talking to me. she acted passive aggressive towards me.

i went to in school suspension for a week, when i got back she said
"nobody missed you", she hugged another guy in front of me, i talked about being antisocial in class and she said "you should kill
yourself" before immediately following up with "im kidding". this led to me becoming very antisocial and asseholish with everyone.
i alienated friends, i acted out, i started behaving in an eccentric way to be abrasive, and i grew my hair out, the second semester
i didnt have class with her anymore and we didnt talk at all, even though i desparately wanted to and my entire mind was based off her.

the first time in my life a girl ever showed interest in me and it was gone. it wasn't traumatic in a traditional sense but nonetheless
it was legitimately devastating mentally. I started going to football workouts spring of my 10th grade year, knowing that this girl
liked athletes and had a thing for toned athletic bodies and people who played sports. i stick with football this time. actual
football practice is a nightmare. I am incompetent and weak. I look like a football player as I am 6"2 205 lbs, but I am dumb and i
don't work out. I have long shaggy hair. I act weird intentionally. I get another crush. I have my first kiss with this girl but she
also ultimately rejects me, even though we are similar people.

I still joke around and find social success that way but i act insane.
i play football and perform terribly this year. people talk to me and like me and i get by but some fucked up things happen this year.
i do acid which probably fucked my head up and i do it IN school. A girl throws a calculator at my eye by "mistake", i go to the
hospital for a lacerated eyelid. When I get back someone drops a calculator and a kid says to me "bring back memories?", then a kid
i sit next to asks me if i think he's cocky, i say a little, he says "thats why your eye's fucked up". then another time the kid
who made the memories comment is standing outside of his workshop class. im going to the bathroom right by it. he puts a drill to my
chest and says "say i wont do it", i say "you wont" and he squeezes the trigger, there was a hole in my hoodie and a small scab on
my chest. mind you i got manhandled regularly at football practice this year. however, after one game, X was walking behind me and
said "user". my heart stopped. i turned around and she said "the worlds not gonna end." in response to my shock and she said "good
game". we were back on speaking terms. nothing comes of it.

summmer between 11th and 12th grade i attend summer school and football practice. about 3 weeks before i am set to go into senior year
my dad visits the hospital for lightheadedness. the doctor sends him home. he vomits immediately when he gets home, he tells me to
clean it up. he complains about being hot and throws his shirt off. i ask him if he wants me to call 911 and he says no. i tell him
i'll check up on him in 15 minutes. i browse faceboook in those 15 minutes.

i go back in, he says he feels cold, i ask him again if
he wants 911, he shakes his head no. so i go fuck around on my phone again and the next time i come in, his flesh is greyish and pale,
his mouth is agape, his eyes wide and fixed in a lifeless stare. i shake his body, i check his pulse. nothing. i call 911, she says
get him off the couch and onto a flat surface. i struggle to pick his body up and when i finally manage to, his head flings back, and
blood or gatorade shoots out of his nostrils, when i set him down his body plops limp like a ragdoll and i feel his sternum crack
under the pressure of my hands. paramedics arrive, try to revive him, then i am told he's dead. i then move in with my older brother.
12th grade wasn't that bad. i got manhandled again in football but showed significant improvement in my performance and with weightlifting
got strong enough to hold my own, i lost my virginity, i made friends, hung out outside of school for once. i do get somewhat bullied
by other football players but most of them like me because i'm funny and brazen. school ends.

senior trip comes, which is where you and your buddies go to a beach town on the east coast and get drunk and get laid. i got blackout
drunk every single day. i hit on girls every day. i banged my head against traffic signs. i got stopped by the cops for shaking a
traffic sign while walking down the street. i make out with some girls within seconds of talking to them, multiple girls. but never
get laid, mind you i was a very attractive in shape tall man, i was just severely fucked up. i had mental breakdowns often. reenacting
that american psycho scene where he squats/slouches down in the elevator and cries, while drunk. one night i get so drunk i literally
cant walk and am barely conscious and have a guy carry me on his shoulder while walking and catch a cab home.

then i get home. im 18. i fuck girls a lot of the time because im good looking. i smoke weed everyday. i drop out of community college.
i hang out with friends, go to parties, smoke weed erryday, and work a shitty dishwasher job. eventually, i remember the sexual abuse
from my childhood and it haunts me, i feel victimized and wronged and powerless. the trauma from witnessing my dads death catches up
to me, the daily marijuana intake catches up to me, the restaraunt i work at shuts down, i get another job and that restaraunt shuts down
too. i start becoming paranoid, i think people are following me, thinking things have double meanings, it progressively gets worse
to the point that i'm delusional and think alien shapeshifters are on earth, im an alien hybrid, and that im the reincarnation of a
gay native american serial killer. i flip over my cats litter box, hang out the passengers side window of my friends car, and smash
a window in my brothers apartment thinking that doing things out of character that require willpower is a way of growing spiirtually
because it cultivates agency and willpower. eventually my brother gets home and sees the window broken and flips shit and yells at me.
i leave and roam the streets.

i follow the streets to downtown, then to a pizza shop and climb the ladder to the roof. in my mind the
rapture is happening and zombies are about to come to earth through a portal and kill people not yet beamed up in the rapture. i call
an absolutely random number and tell them the rapture is happening, and how i can be saved. they tell me i need a bible. i am in the
same shopping center as a book store so i take a cinderblock off the roof, throw it down to the parking lot, carry it to the store,
and throw it through the glass door entrance. i couldn't find a bible. i get into the employee backroom. i sprinkle salt over my head
which makes me feel less agitated, i take a 12 foot metal pole and smash the shit out of the mirror in the bathroom. i make my way
back to the entrance and come face to face with five police officers with their guns drawn on me. i am arrested, jailed, and stay
in jail for 3 weeks during an evaluation and am sent to a mental hospital for the criminally insane. i break out of that hospital
once and attack a mental health guard weeks after that. after 3 months i am deemed competent and am bailed out. my social life never
quite recovers, i go through tons of different meds, i lose the 100 lbs i gained from the meds they put me on in jail, and I now have
a car, a job, am symptom free, and have aspirations of going to school for psychology. i don't maintain contact with anyone but one
person from highschool. i have schizophrenia and dependent personality disorder. I am 22. the end.