How do I get a gf that will abuse and use me?

But in this situation you are even more likely to be abandoned, unless you have some extreme leverage. Selfless love doesn't exist, and asking for someone to control you like that is basically asking for that kind of a relationship. Eventually your partner will get bored, or find someone who offers more, or just start increasing the number of people she is in a relationship with because she can get away with it. That's super unhealthy.

It sounds like you have suffered a lot, user. You have my sympathies. But dwelling on desires like this only makes them grow. You have to learn to overcome adversity and live in spite of pain, not abandon the existential struggle to become an extension of someone else. You have worth, because you have the capacity to grow! Don't give up on yourself because life has dealt you a bad hand!

I don't really think that I suffered that much I am probably just autistic or something

I have a friend who would act perfectly normal. Then you'd be a bit rude to her or overly assettive and she'd turn into a completely innocent submissive puppy and would leave herself get beaten down. I thought it was strange until I realised the weirdo got turned on by it. Confronted her and she admitted being abused is the hotest thing for her. Turns out her first crush was some serial killer from an old horror movie. Her fantasies include getting beaten, raped and told me she's curious how it would be if somebody actually wanted to kill her. god fucking dammit.

>Selfless love doesn't exist,
I think it does, because I just want to love and give to people selflessly, is it really selfish to want someone to feel the same about me, specifically? I dont think it is, because I wouldn't ask them to do things they dont want to do, they'd just feel that way about me, and desire me, but I would want to cuddle and support them and take care of them, but also be controlled by them.

My ex exactly did that to me, not nice desu

But being controlled by your partner means that your partner isn't in a relationship. She is either acting as a parent, or basically masturbating. Because you are describing a desire to pretty much be a slave to a kind owner, one who has generally positive intentions towards you, and who cares about you enough to do all the work in the relationship. A relationship is built, it is not a state that is entered and then that becomes the norm. It takes time and energy. And if you are shunting all responsibility onto your partner, well.... that just sounds exhausting. Sounds pretty selfish to me, at least.

"Autistic" is a catch-all term for some quirks in brain structure. It doesn't really have anything to do with developing such low self esteem that your ideal relationship is not even a relationship, but instead is abandoning agency. Only experiences can shape one in such a way.

Overprotective parents and a lack of a social life during development, maybe? Or an extremely controlling mother/elder sister who "trained" you to not trust your own judgement?

I don't think I have overprotective parents or controlling mother sister.

Hmmm. I dunno. All sorts of things could result in such a fetish, including just fixating on in for long enough. You do you, I suppose, but such a dynamic is incredibly unhealthy and will not lead to a satisfying life. I'd heavily encourage you to try to orient yourself more actively.

The right to make choices is literally the only thing we have on this planet that (almost completely) cannot be taken from us. It's a gift, and one that shouldn't be squandered.

But I don't want to make choices.

Well that identifies that issue. Why not? Anxiety?

I don't know what to choose and if I choose something it is wrong

Then that's what you need to work on. Even if every single choice you have made up until this very moment is wrong, that does not mean that you can't make correct choices. You have your whole life ahead of you! And you have a multitude of failures from you you can determine what not to do! Learning is the process of making mistakes, and then learning what not to do as a result of those mistakes. Everyone fails. What matters is what you do with that failure! I believe in you, user!

Or I could just try to find a way to avoid choices which is also a choice

Besides I am stupid and can't learn things.

This is true. And kind of the point. Because every time you choose not to do something, you are still making a choice. Even if you got a girl to control every aspect of your life, you would still ultimately be the one choosing to follow whatever lead she gave you every single time anything happened. Technically you are making a huge choice right now, cuz you are still, ya know, alive, and thinking, and typing replies to some yahoo on a Chinese Basketweaving forum. So it's not like you would be avoiding any choices. You would just be deluding yourself into thinking that you weren't making any choices.

But as a human being, that is your right, if you so desire. There are tons of shitty findom sites if you really want something like that, though.

To just be told to make money and then give it to some disgusting tramp who exploits people like you to avoid having to actually contribute to the world. But even then, you are making the choice to obey.

Sure you can! It's always possible to learn. The trick is to convince yourself that it is possible! And that... can be very difficult, I admit. But you can make an effort, if you so choose. Start watching some recorded lectures on youtube or sign up for some free online classes or something, and practice learning. It's a skill, just like everything else. No one starts knowing how to learn new things. It's just a matter of practice, slowly but surely.

I don't really have the money for findom
yeah sure I guess I could learn to learn but I don't want to

Motivation is the killer, usually. Without that nothing is happening, full stop. I dunno, try to motivate yourself? Or, alternatively, do it despite not wanting to.

I am not going to do it