Fuck. I just finished writing 900+ words and it seems the most complete thing I wrote up till now...

wat

Good job.

Maybe he meant the woman part uh. I said I tried to make it as realistic as possible, I could have said they played as little girls in revealing clothes but that would have been too much.

No, I said that because the whole damn thing is cringy as fuck. It reads like a planetside 2 gay fanfiction

thankkssssssss
i'll have to revise it later so give me any tips to make it less "cringey".

typos happen dude, just gotta check it and fix it

>dialogue
english dialogue doesnt work like that but its not a big issue for a basic learner thing

>accent
reduce the severity of his accent to improve readability, you can also replace your guillemets with "blah blah" he said with a thick german accent, etc

this is of course a matter of opinion but it seems sort of silly how heavy it's written

>Afterwards, some individual with a female avatar stepped onto the stage. I took a wild guess, it had to be an AI programmed for the occasion.

stylistically i'd prefer something like:
A feminine figure materialized in the background and sauntered uncannily* onto the stage. Her movements seemingly mechanical, her form shimmering and tinted [color], I realized that she was programmed. She opened her mouth, her lips moving just minutely asynchronously* with her words, offering to the audience warmly, "Good evening testers, and welcome to the world of Albatross Online." It became clear from the tone of her voice and how it seemed to arrive at my ears from all directions, that she was nothing but an avatar; she continued*, "To celebrate this event .. .. . . . . . . "

each * means idk what to say i havent written nothing in english in a long time (several years)

matter of style

mroe to come

That's true, this is my first draft. what do you expect? i'm willing to improve either way. I suck at dialogues too, that's why I said I'll have to revise it. This is just a draft bruh.

besides silly grammar stuff (i.e. guillemets vs quotation marks) im gonna talk about the first females dialogue now.

firstly, she seems to jump around in tone a lot ("would" vs "you will" vs "that's right...") so ill go thru and see what seems most natural to me

>Good evening testers, and welcome to the world of Albatross Online.

if she's going for a more "hype" tone, then consider something like:

Good evening testers, and welcome to the /final/* release of Albatross Online.

*idk what to say besides final, maybe "official", etc. you just need to emphasize that this release is THE thing and its BIG

>To celebrate this event, we have arranged a live performance starring the members of the development team.

assuming we'll follow the tone above, lets move from passive to active:
To celebrate this occasion, the dev.* team is going to give you all a quick taste of /everything/* we've put together for the full release.

*dev: idk what u wanna do here, it sounds more natural vocally but development also works for a more robotic sense
*everything: this can easily be changed out for a better word to make it seem more important, complete, and BIG

>That's right, this is not a pre-rendered footage, everything you'll see during this performance will be available in-game.

That's right; literally* everything you're about to see is available in-game. Nothing, (and I /do/ mean nothing,)* is pre-rendered.

*literally: bad word, everyone thinks literally makes u sound retarded, but it conveys the idea i think
*( and i do blah blah) depends on how you think she sounds out loud

ALSO ALSO: "this is not pre-rendered footage" is grammatically correct, you dont need an article there b/c its referring to a general noun or somehting

Said that I was gonna revise it later and this is just a draft. Did I actually write literally? Shit, I didn't even realize it. Must be shitposting too much, it's like a goddamn tic. For the grammar mistakes, read above. I didn't even bother to check the correct way because I wrote whatever I had in mind.

>We'd like to inform you that once the testing period will be over, your game will be automatically updated to its full-version.

"once the testing period will be over" is false, "once the testing period is over". I dont know what this is in english but it's a sort of clause thing where u do present for the condition then future for result

besides that, just cut out the "we would like to" shit it's too formal and not enough active

Once the testing period is over, you will all /automatically/ receive the full version of the game for (your service/your help/etc.)*.

*makes them feel special so more hype

>You may ask a few questions to the team after the end of the performance. We hope you'll enjoy your stay and have fun!

"After the demonstration the dev.* team will be around to answer any* questions you might have. Without further ado..." *she says as she leaves the stage.

*dev: use whatever word u want

*any: never be honest when ur building hype, just make it sound good

*this is a better way to introduce the performance, dont end the speech on a lower energy note

>ANYHOW

im kinda bored but u should go to a writing forum, im probably the only advice ur gonna get here and im basically an retarded so ya dont worry too much just keep writing and proofread and find a REAL ENGLISH AMATEUR WRITING FORUM

no, i recommended writing something that meant literally

but ya dude the point of drafts is to get feedback from other people, if u just revise it urself the sentences that sound good in ur head will remain when in reality they sound retarded to most people

ps im probably the only person who read it maybe 1-2 other people did, so srs go to a forum for amateur writers they will help u better

Its hard to keep track on whats happening there. Honestly I read whitepapers that had more details in them.

btw im bored so have fun and again dont post writing on bant ull get nothing useful just people either shitting on u or making the gay meme

>>Good evening testers, and welcome to the world of Albatross Online.
It said beta testing, it's not final. That wouldn't make sense, would it?
Oddly enough my gf said it flowed well. I was afraid It'd be confusing but I guess I'll have to fix a lot of stuff lel.

also same for above. I wrote whatever i had in mind without bothering to add lots of details. It looked like the most complete thing I wrote up till now.

oh wait sorry one question

are you italian or english as first language

i kinda assumed the former

Italian. I've learned english since I was 10 but i'm no native.

ok good just making sure, ya ur english is good but you make mistakes that no native english speaker would make (but you get many things right that a lot of native english speakers get wrong because they have the normie and dont do well in classes)

I wish I didn't T_T

ouais et quand j'écris en français je souhaite que je ne fasse pas les mêmes erreurs

mais c'est la vie

and your english is better than my french anyhow so its all good i can sympathize a lot

>that she was nothing but an avatar;
this doesn't make much sense either imo. Avatars are just models, I think "robot" or bot is better. The voice could be pre-recorded also, it would sound retarded to give it a text-to-speech mechanical sound. As for the movements, I was about to add something along the lines of it. I'll have to add plenty of details later on.