IRL Westworld

Himself

okay, it is a shorter story but I will tell it
filthy dumb reddit scum

>get to disneyland ride dick already fit to unzip itself, had to pay way too much and go through way too much paperwork just to get here
>here, the POTC Disney ride
>such a scam that you have to pay for all of the other stuff just to get here
>everyone's here, everyone came here for this, ride is packed
>even women and children, I don't get it but whatever
>one of the women is staring, almost GLARING at my bulge owo but she ugly af so I ignore her
>go in Elizabeth's house
>no Elizabeth
>no bodice to rip
>smuggled knife in my boot like Jack for absolutely nothing, first blisters and then actual cuts on my heel and this is my reward, an empty house with a fucking boat
>realize maybe the pirates already took her away for raping and pillaging and I'm supposed to be Will going and saving her
>I can hang with Jack and drink rum at the back of the ride through all that white hat shit I guess
>we head out past some dumb gay french shack or something and, for some reason, directly into the end boss area
>cave full of skeletons and a shipwreck, realize this doesn't follow plot of the movie and I might not see Elizabeth, maybe I can get that slapping ship driver girl or something at least, or maybe they actually have the mermaid girl here, that would be cool
>spend a little time thinking deep thoughts about whether the skeletons were non-charlatan actors really devoted unto death to their roles like true art, or actual pirates they rounded up from Somali and let the first boat of customers actually kill off, or if they were just people who tried to kidnap Mickey and got put here as punishment
>probably last one, Jow Forums says jews don't like being stolen from and are cheap
>sail back out and am back at starting town again, cannons firing, too excited to spend much time marveling about Disney perfecting teleportation
>start yelling to take us to shore so we can rape and pillage, people look back and tell me to shut the fuck up and the ugly bitch glares more
>wtf?
continued

Attached: 1516625686150.jpg (800x1000, 183K)

>boring fags act like they don't know what POTC is
>boat doesn't go to shore
>keep glaring back at me as we just pass the town and keep going
>rest of ride is just a bunch of really fake sets and for some reason Jack is pretending like he's actually fighting people and cares about any of it and he just gives me a mean look whenever I spot him and wave and yell to him to bring some rum and come sit at the back with me
>ride fucking sucks now
>get to one part where he's talking to this pretty woman in a colonial dress
>bail on shit dire and swim to them, current is strong af and hard to climb up to them but manage
>Jack looks really mad
>knock him out with a prop and say "I'm not gonna be your leverage anymore"
>was style as fuck but everyone was yelling at me like the lame fags they were
>try to seduce woman but she fucking brings out a cellphone and calls security
>wasn't even a real pirate, whore, or townsperson, was ANOTHER fucking actor
>get escorted away VERY roughly, they say Jack isn't pressing charges (though they refuse to call him by his name) but if I'm ever seen at Disneyland again they'll call the cops on me
>forced out of Disneyland
>didn't even see the slightest sign of Elizabeth
DISNEYLAND SUCKS
Anything else you want to hear about?

Attached: 1526895842056.gif (200x200, 183K)

What other stories do you have

Just name a place I've probably been there, though it may take me a bit to remember how things happened. I'll warn you, I usually have bad luck on vacations.

Ireland?

Oh yeah, boy do I ever have a few stories about Ireland haha
I'll tell you one, it will be a little longer though.

>visiting britannia, figure why not go try my luck in ireland
>visit pet/nature store buy strongest butterfly net I can, don't know if it'll hold up so I ask if there's a pound around, they give me some numbers, after calling a while I finally find one willing to sell me a capture net
>it's like $300 but fuck it, gotta spend money to make money
>drive north until everyone starts looking shorter and happier and dumber, figure I must be in the right place
>go into the nearest bar and ask the manager where I can find some leprechauns
>guy at the bar gives me a dirty look but the bartender laughs his ass off for some reason and tells me across the pond
>ask him what pond and he says he thinks i've already had too much, I guess information doesn't come cheap around these parts
>give him $300
>he laughs a bunch more but eventually tells me it's about 35 miles further, no turns
>drive for a while but the new road is grass, ended at a turn a while ago, rental car is low on gas, finally bogs down in some marshy area after I had to already mow down a few saplings and bushes and stuff
>weird thing was the road went right through some people's yard, they lived right by it with flowers all around and even growing into it at times, like those poor people who live by train tracks in India
>get out and walk for a few days, luckily I knew the terrain might be difficult so I brought rations and supplies
>cover my tracks well so I don't scare off any leprechauns in the area, using my youth forest training knowledge from when I was a kid
>after what seems like way more than 35 miles finally arrive at some sort of pond or lake
>strip naked to avoid any extra weight while catching the slippery buggers, strap both nets to back and swim across
>see not a single leprechaun nor rainbow, entire trip a bust
>stay there a day looking but swim back across and get clothes and stuff, start trekking back
continued

>meet three other guys on the way back, decked out in weird hats and uniforms
>say they were looking for me and seem really suspicious and keep asking questions
>realize quickly that they're pro leprechaun hunters and act like I'm crazy and delirious from thirst
>go through whole process with cops, psychiatrist, etc, claiming to have no memory, so on, everyone buys it
>some big deal about paying for the car - as if I weren't going to, it's acceptable losses for me
>various other fines and legal fees, even made me pay for them being out looking for me
>pretty sure it's a scam because I was on their leprechaun turf, maybe there's a guild or something that donates to the cops
>anyways, they ask what I was originally after and I just say, I wanted to visit Ireland for a nice relaxing vacation, after that I don't remember
>they keep pretending I'm not in Ireland and telling me I have to take this ferry across the ocean
>implying I want to go to the US again after the disasters at Disneyland and Westworld, I almost spent my life rotting in jail after the latter, how I escaped is another story though
>but I pretend to go along with it anyways, don't want to go to jail here either, get on boat
>everyone talking about they can't wait to see Ireland
>realize there's actually a secret Ireland only for locals and enthusiasts, it's an island west of the mainland European Ireland I was just at
>hear people talking about "brexit" and how awful it was
>they're blaming some "niggerfaggot" guy for it or whatever, but I know it was leprechauns and their destructive but lucrative ways
>they probably split it off like the environmentalists did in that movie where LA already sank and the celebrities put their brains in new bodies to stay alive
>anyways, land in ireland
>notice there are still some guys watching me and following me while pretending not to, those faggots are still trying to use me to find leprechaun spots
continued

Attached: 9ea41390e4f1fd43cfb2dc86ba6791ca24f6cc58398416316a17949624e869e9.jpg (300x300, 50K)

>joke's on them, spend three weeks hiking around town to town doing boring stuff like hanging out in bars, visiting restaurants, even learn a little Irish from the locals
>finally those fags give up and go away
>they confiscated my leprechaun gear last time so I go about procuring everything I need more subtly this time, town to town one item at a time until I'm ready
>disguised it all as boring hiking gear, couldn't hide a net so I went with a pre-tied lasso instead, good enough
>set off again, this time just wandering around at random hoping for a leprechaun, don't ask anyone for fear they're already affiliated with a guild
>one evening, totally by accident, fall into what seems like just a dirty puddle
>try to feel bottom but can't, edges slope away from me the further down they go
>realize I just found a portal completely by accident, dive down in, swim around, absolutely cannot find the way through
>close to drowning but won't give up after coming this far, suddenly remember that one of those Narnia books mentioned about coming back up out of the same pool but it's a different world, it's like relativity, that's how magic works
>trapped and tangled in some roots and mud or something, underwater and drowning fast, finally break through to magic realm but really almost drowned and spent night coughing and shivering because too weak to climb out, portal has these high slippery walls
>the next morning, planning my escape while resting, feeling pretty cold and weak due to the magic sickness from first time exposure
>elf comes along, she's pretty cute, really red hair
>helps me out of portal and asks if I was there all night, says I must be getting hyperthoria and that I need to warm up and eat something, follow her
continued

Attached: 1515100620744.jpg (632x1024, 65K)

>really pretty and nice elf but I remember that elfs do pranks on mortals
>sure enough, after she "saves" me she turns her back and her ears are enchanted to not be pointy
>when I start asking her about leprechauns she says I must be going crazy from the cold and I'd feel better when she's got me some food and to a hospital
>realize she's going to hex me and cast me back into the mortal realm or something
>fuck that, I'm not even cold anymore anyways, I'm way too hot in fact
>clumsily retrieve lasso from backpack, but she doesn't turn around, I'm in luck
>drop lasso over her and bind her arms to her sides in one motion
>she struggles a LOT but I overpower her and tier her securely so she can only shuffle along, also quickly gag her with supplies for fear of her bringing a whole horde of elves and leprechauns
>not really sure what to do, about to just take her somewhere else and release her and scold her for pranking me, but then I remember Aladdin and how elves have to give you three wishes if you catch them
>try to ask her why she's not blue but she starts screaming when I take the gag out for a sec
>put it back on and she starts crying really hard, must be new as an elf or she'd know the drill
>start thinking about what three wishes I should have her give
>tell her to show me a leprechaun or better take me right to the end of the rainbow and show me the pot of gold
>she starts crying way harder, but will not get up and lead me anywhere
>tell her she has to do my three wishes because that's the rules and I won't let her go until I get what I'm due, also I won't if she yells, ask if I can take the gag off and she'll be good
>she nods, take it off, she goes right back to the "you're crazy" thing and cries but doesn't scream, says if I let her go she'll give me anything I want, all her money and stuff, whatever I want and will never tell anyone or call the police
>silly elf, there aren't police in fantasy dimension
continued

Attached: 1519535346705.jpg (480x792, 28K)

>keep telling her that I just want the pot of gold, she keeps saying she doesn't have any, I say just show me already
>she starts crying harder and tells me she's a virgin and please just let her go
>keep demanding pot of gold, finally she slowly slips down her pants to my surprise and shows me her lady bits
>i'm flattered but confused because she's still crying, so i figure she doesn't have that in mind, must want to pee
>like i said i have pee fetish, and I know elfs are highly magic and we're wasting time, so i tell her if she pees in the portal i'll count that as one wish
>she looks horrified and scared - that's how i know i've finally figured out the answer, i always knew i was pretty smart but this is genius
>leprechauns and gold are hidden in even more magic dimension, rainbows are just phase shifting light, and to unlock more levels on portals you need elf pee in them
>finally i manage to get her to do it in a way that I can get a good view while still holding her from falling in, by dangling her off the edge with me sitting on solid ground
>she's terrified and humiliated but evnetually she does it, so i fap and then tell her we're going through the portal
>she begs me not to and says we can't get out again and i'm crazy and it's filthy and dangerous and there's bacteria and she doesn't want to swim in it after peeing in it, and she gets frantic so i know i'm on the right track and jump in with her
>we almost drown again, but we make it to the leprechaun dimension and i calm her down after a lot of thrashing around and boost her up on my shoulders to get out, i tied the rope to me too so she couldn't roll away and escape or anything
>view was great down between her legs without any undies on, but didn't do anything to distract her from getting out, is a hard climb even boosted
>finally get out, no leprechauns
>she starts screaming again
almost done

Attached: 1528554393476.jpg (575x443, 77K)

>whatever im already here, don't need her that much anyway, pull her back by ropeand say the third wish is to touch her boob since she won't show me any leprechauns
>she cries again and says please don't hurt her and gets mad and says I already got to see her "pot of gold" but says it like I'm crazy
>like I'd forget that she didn't show me one? elfs are stupid
>she cries a little and says fine, just please let her go
>poke her boob thoroughly then untie her, she runs away screaming about cops
>in leprechaun subdimension of elfland
>yet im the crazy one
>wander around a while more looking for leprechauns but pretty weak this time, yet still I know I'm so close
>finally see a rainbow
>run toward it until eventually I see a whole leprechaun village down at the end of it
>start calculating what that many pots of gold might be worth at spot while running down, hyping myself up and flexing for the fight of my life
>they may be small, but they sure are tough and wily or so I hear
>but nothing can get between me and that gold now
>except the elf fucking found some more leprechaun hunters
>and tricked them somehow or maybe enchanted them, are they fucking BLIND, cna't even see leprechaun village more than enough for all of us right there?
>but im in bad mood so I don't say anything
>they pretend to be cops too like maybe the elf paid them to
>build a courthouse and city and everything right in leprechaun dimension to try me
>all because I got too trusting and let the elf go, wasted my third wish on elf boobie when she clearly did know where the leprechauns were
>just stay silent the whole time as they call in the hunters from east ireland to participate in the "trial" and "sentence" me to their "prison"
That damn place held me for at least a year and a half before I broke out and managed to get back to the mortal world.
Moral of the story: elfs are dangerous, even if you're just hunting leprechauns watch out for them.

Anything else?

Attached: 1514789972418.jpg (656x984, 49K)

these are bretty ok, 7/10

Never trust leprechaun hunters, they are worse than Jews. When I was 10 me and my family were hunting leprechauns. Some leprechaun hunters found us and tried to chase after us. They managed to catch up with my brother and ended up crippling him. While they were assaulting my brother I managed to capture one without anyone noticing me

thank
I'll do another a little later
How do I know the difference between these asshole guilds and just regular folk like you with an eye for fun and profit?
How many pots have you found so far?
Have you ever met any elfs?

I don't think you can, I still don't know how to tell the difference.
I've found 5 leprechauns and kept them in a cage outside. You get more gold from capturing the leprechauns.
Yeah I've met one elf before. They're very rare too see

Where did you catch tehm? Mainland or west ireland?
Did you get wishes formt he elf or did it get away?

You're not supposed to capture an elf and tie it up. That's where you went wrong. You have to go 70 miles after you cross the pond to catch leprechauns

God damn it those fucking guildfags have jewed me for the last time. Why don't the real cops do anything about it? Also why do they try to feed their captors sheep stomachs as a "treat", is it like a cult thing?

The cops and the guild are working together

FUCKER, we need to figure out what to do about this
but I'll be right back in 30 I have to watch a show