I work for a pest extermination service with this old Chinese guy. Our clients are primarily Chinese, and if they're not Chinese, then it's from Chinese landlords who want us to clean the bugs out of their rental houses. We consistently run into some of the most disturbing things you can imagine. I would like to relate my findings to Jow Forums in case any of you were wondering how all sorts of Americans live. I thank my Chinese sense of "shut your fucking mouth and kill small animals" that I've been able to do a great job so far, but he tells me anyone's better than the Mexican guy he used to partner with. I'm really just doing this shit before I head out to the military because it pays well, and I’m glad the old guy says he’s gonna retire soon.
The old man was an entomology professor at a prestigious university, where his son now attends, so he's very good at what he does. His English is a bit broken, but he's the best at what he does and he's remarkably based when it comes to judging people. I just wanted to relate this story from this morning, because it was fucking great and I feel like you guys need to hear it.
Pest Exterminator Simulator 2018: Chink Edition
>First house today were Muslims, and they've got bedbugs
>The boss makes sure that I'm well aware of this before we get there
>He doesn't really say much about it, but the way he tells me, I'm assuming he's trying to say "hold onto your fucking boot straps, kid."
>When we get to the place, the yard is a fucking wreck and the garage is wide open
>There’s some rolled up carpets and shit in there, bunch of junk
>This entire neighborhood smells like curry
>We go to talk to the tenants and the husband comes to the door
>He's this dude with a beard that looks like scrotum hair, and he's visibly just woken up
>It’s already 10 and this guy looks like he just got out of bed
>Torn up yellow shirt, in basketball shorts and sandals
>He tells us he needs a sec to get ready so we go to the truck and mix chemicals, suit up in full hazmat
>Plastic gloves, white coveralls, breathing apparatus, goggles
>We look like a biohazard response team, which we essentially are now that I think about it
>Of course, one or two hajjis were out there just staring
>I also see next week’s mall shooter open his blinds to watch us
>I’m starting to get a little weirded out
>I’m really thankful at this moment that I wasn’t 100% white because I’m really starting to feel like Black Hawk Down
>They seem to start losing interest when we babble at each other in incomprehensible chank language
>When Muhammad finally gets his shit together, we go in
>The place smells heavily of inces- I mean incense
>Holy shit the fucking carpet in the front room looks like someone activated an open blender full of San Francisco pavement in the center of the room
>His wife is wandering around the kitchen in a garbage bag with his daughter, who just stares at us like we’re here to take away their C4
>Boss is trying to tell them that he gave them two day’s notice about this and to get the fuck out so we can work
>This guy cuts so heavily into our time that we’re late for other work throughout the day
>When he finally loads his slaves into his minivan, we tell him to come back at 12
>He peels out presumably to go to Shamir’s house to make more nail bombs and be start working
>The living room is decked out with these banners featuring a dude with a big, green headrag, looking upwards like he’s upset with us
>Dude left his TV on and we’ve got Jihadi News Network with your host Dan Raghead moaning in bomb speak at this group of guys in black clothes in the doggystyle position
>Reminds me of this one porno
>I work around all the baseboards spraying chemicals
>When I get into the kid’s room, there’s
>Oh my sweet Lord, there’s blood smeared on the walls
>Boss says this is normal, people typically just crush the bedbugs and get a bloody surprise
>And evidently never wipe it off
>I begin spraying off the bed, and then the bed base thing, which has an AK47 in what I assume is lipstick drawn into it
>Of fucking course
>Flip it over and there’s several papers down there
>They’re failed grades in mathematics quizzes, presumably hidden to stunt the beatings
>I stop to fondly remember the days when my mom used to beat me for failing math quizzes and continue hosing the place down
>This continues into the next kid’s room, where we find some German cockroaches (not a meme, I’m dead serious, several of them scatter when we peel the headboard off the wall)
>Boss is like “He wasted our time, I’m not giving this guy anything extra” and just lets them be
>Then we get to the next room, the older daughter’s room
>There’s a several different kinds of garbage bags hanging from the door
>More blood smeared on the fucking walls
>The music coming from the TV makes me feel like I’m in Viscera Cleanup Detail: Syria Edition
>Find a bra under her bed
>byallahthisexcitesme.jpg
who are you quoting?
I prewrote this. It's just a normal pest control job in America as a Chinese person.
Got any more stories? What's the worst house you've seen?
>Turns out this guy's cramming four kids and his wife into a single-story rental house with two bathrooms
>I begged for the protection of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit before I worked on the bathroom
>The sink looks like someone's vomited qat into it a few times
>I refuse to talk about the shower
>Get to the master bedroom
>Holy shit there’s a lot of newspapers in the bathroom, who the fuck reads newspapers anymore?
>No joke, I find a flier with “God Bless Iraq” on the nightstand
>There’s a box under the bed that I’m assuming Muhammed uses as a bank with the French flag on it
>audiblekek.avi
>Last notable thing I find is a fidget spinner under the couch
>Remember that MEMRI meme where the guy goes off about the Jews using fidget spinners to take children away from Islam
>Have another audible kek and boss tells me to hurry up
>The kitchen is UNSPEAKABLE
>There's a bunch of tea kettles and shit lying around everywhere
>There's even garbage bags with liquid at the bottom stewing in the corner
>Boss just shakes his head and sprays around them
>We trash our hazmat gear and wait for him, and he shows up at 12
>Boss talks with him for a bit and they all head inside
>Boss and I aren't setting foot in that fucking hive again
>He thanks us, calling me brother and stuff like that
>donttouchme.exe
>Hit the truck and get the absolute fuck out of there before the Dungan Revolt is reenacted
N I G G E R S
R E N T I N G
A
H O U S E
This may come out slowly because I'm gonna have to type it out.
Get on with it man, I'm interested.
Fuck it I WANT MORE !, more of these disgusting stories !
>Boss gets a call about one of his landlords with a problem
>Says his tenants says there's maggots everywhere and my boss is sort of confused
>He tells me he doesn't understand, and that maggots only really stick around on the trash they're born on
>Landlord even says the tenant found maggots in her hair and had to call about it
>We get to the place
>It's a seriously mixed up neighborhood, we've got Ramit Inmah Ashol over on his lawn spewing curry out of his mouth as he laughs with some other Indian guys about tiddies an bobs
>Next door looks like Count Olaf's place
>I'm assuming Chris Hansen is down the street ready to bust into that house as we speak
>I keep mentioning the lawn because it's usually a sign of what we can expect inside
>Have you ever been to an old landfill where the soil is dry and dead?
>This place looks like that
>And there's solo cups and other bullshit trash sticking out of the ground
>Boss hesitantly knocks on the door, brings me with him because I'm a big soldier boi
>Door opens with the chain lock still on
>This pudgy Sharkeisha puffs her face through the slit and asks "WHO DAT!?"
>We obviously woke her up
>At 2PM
>Boss explains we're the exterminator guys
>She starts mumbling in ape and unchains the door
>Now that I get a look at her, she is a fucking 260lb beast of Ghana's creation
>She's got hair that reminds me of a giant bowl of lo mein
>The smell is MAGNIFICENT
>There's some boxes and shit in the front area
>She invites us in, and boss steps aside and lets me in first, sort of smiling at me
>Asshole
>I step in and feel a squish under my boot
>The fucking carpet is damp
>"Aw, yeeah, we gotst a mufuggin prablem wif de fuggin leak in here."
>wut
>The carpet in the main house area is damp in several locations
>As I ask her to show me where she believes the problem is, I notice the carpet
>It's moving
>The carpet
>Is moving
>mfw
>Inform boss we've got an infestation
>deepsigh.exe
>We immediately step out and say we'll be back in a sec
>She asks us "wuddup?" like there isn't a fucking problem here
>Come back in full disposable hazmat suits and gloves
>No masks yet because we haven't figured out which chemicals we're gonna need here
>I come back and ask her to kindly hit the lights
>She gives me shit for speaking "posh" or something, but I can hardly understand her
>I'm the only person here who speaks proper English
>The man of the household emerges from the bedroom at this point
>He's this pudgy imp wearing nothing but a T shirt that's too small and boxers
>I think I saw a testie sticking out
>This creature is shorter than us and we're Chinese
>Gives a big yawn, informs us in hood speak that "dey cut da powah, yall!"
>I want to die
>Our descent into madness is lit entirely by candles (the wax is clumped all over this tiny table in the eating area) and flashlights
>Some of the areas with the candlewax everywhere remind me of that one level in Dark Souls 3
>Until I get a look around the dark areas with my flashlight
>There is trash EVERYWHERE
>Whataburger, McDonald's, Arby's, an ungodly number of Wendy's 'fofofo' bags, sometimes an unidentifiable slime that I assume was organic matter at one point
>The smell of weed hits me and I realize that they've already lit a blunt
>Boss gives the longest facepalm I've ever seen
>The imp asks if I'd like some and I tell him no thank you
>I ask that they please not do that and a mini chimpout revs up
>"YALL CANT GO ROUND TELLIN US HOW TO LIVE IN OUR OWN HOUSE MUHFUGGIN GODDAM!"
>I sincerely hope the police show up and drag them away for any reason, I don't fucking care
>Calm them down, try to tell them that we're regularly tested and that this can also interfere with our work
>Say that they can smoke outside if they'd like and the imp goes out to what is left of their back yard
>Inform the whale, which is now beached on the severely caved-in sofa that we can't do anything with the trash everywhere
>She persists and keeps asking us to just look around and see what we can do
>Points me in the direction of the bedroom
>Oh my Lord, how can people live like this?
>I have quite literally stepped into Silent Hill 2
>The bedroom is filthier than the other areas
>I thought the carpet was just black like that, but there are splotches where it used to be white
>The smell is absolutely suffocating
>We check out the closet because she says there's a lot in there and
>Oh my Christ there is a full-on lake in the closet
>Clothes everywhere, tiny flies buzzing around
>We tell them that they have to clean this up before we can come back and work
>Get through a bunch of complaining and we finally escape, but we have to come back
>We come back to the place in a couple days
>We're let in a little less happily
>Lights still won't work
>Floor's still damp
>I don't know how, but the fuckin trash bags and everything are gone now
>There's still remnants of slime everywhere and the maggots exist, man
>We suit up, go to work on this fucking place
>Make them wait in the back yard because apparently they have no car and can't leave
>Spray the fucking bitch out of everything with heavy chemicals
>Going around the baseboards, the carpets, go through the bedroom and gas the closet like it's fucking Auschwitz
>Get to a room where the door's jammed
>Imp tells me we can't go in there
>Tell him we have to and he gets all angry
>Stick my head in there and to my horror
>They've jammed ALL of the trash into one single room
>We pick up everything and get the absolute fuck out over the howling of babboons
>Contact their landlord, he had no idea how bad it was
>Boss tells me a couple days later that they got evicted
You're doing God's work, user. God's work.
I gassed a nest of small rodents yesterday that were looking at me, sqeaking with pleas of mercy. I also hosed down a rat until it died while it squealed for help. Squealed for God. I felt nothing. NOTHING. I think that the inner Chinese demon is coming out of me with every passing day of this fucking job. I just want my paperwork to go through so I can leave this job. I lost count of the number of tiny, cute animals I've ruthlessly murdered, and I feel like people will be next if I don't find a way to chain up the beast inside of me. The beast that cries out for the blood of the innocent. The beast, man. It calls out for tortured animals and rice.
good write-ups, thank you I found them really interesting to read. What are you hosing the rodents with?
Also what is the best way to get rid of a single rat? What is the most effective type of trap? I have a rat that needs killing I've been thinking of the electrical traps.
Intadesting story, got moar?
God bless you for our entertainment.
Dude you're a good writer and this shit is interesting, please post more if you have more.