Parents ask me to look into why their computer is so slow

not family but
>coworker asks me to fix his computer
>"This account has been disabled by administrator."
>can't even put in one of the 3 possible passwords he gave me

why not buy them a 1-2 tb ssd and image the drive to it, unless you are poor and a cunt to your parents its the least you could do for someone that decided to waste most of their life raising a kid.

They're probably on Facebook anyway

>dad asks me for help getting facebook set up correctly on his microsoft phone
>check his browser to see if he is logged in there
>has like 80 different tabs open at once, half of them porn

Having a child is not a selfless act. You don't deserve to be commended for it.

having a child is indeed not selfless, no shit, but raising said child into adulthood is.

So? Do your fucking job and disable system protection in advanced system settings, hide the search bar, and disable Cortana, delete temp files, and tell them to get an external HDD backup and save up for a new computer.
Kill yourself jew.

that's not so bad. at least you don't have relatives asking you to doctor legal documents for them.

Maybe, but not having one is even less commendable. You are complicit in cooperating with your own extinction.

so whats cooperating with your own extiction more

having a kid that gets pink hair, ruins a whole kernal and hates you

or

no kid and buying a new thinkpad every year + vacation with your disposable income (still cheaper then a kid)

Attached: 1537180848484.jpg (665x768, 113K)

>half of them porn
top lad

> wow, vpn?
> wow user are you a hacker?

My dad was the same way. At least I know he’s a normal guy now.

What's the point? Not like you need access to those pictures 24/7.

We fixed the glitch.

Attached: 7816_h.jpg (904x490, 64K)

Put photos on external hard drive, then nuke everything an instal ubuntu with mate or xfce

This happened some years ago, when I was about 15 I think. I was kind of an idiot at that time, and there was a lot of shit I did not understand about computers, but still more than my mother. My mother owns a small home-based business, and uses her computer with it a lot. As such, she's generally pretty tech savvy. At this point in time, she knows enough about computers to get herself into trouble.

>hear loud scream for help from downstairs
>It's my mom
>ohfuck.jpg
>run downstairs
>she's absolutely fine
>she's panicky
>her face looks like the face of a kid that just saw a kitten being killed and eaten by a raccoon
>"user, I tried to install paint.net, and now there's weird crap on my computer!"
>welpherewego.baka
>look at screen
>the apocalypse is occurring on her desktop
>ads
>so many ads
>ads for miles
>I get more details from her, and learn that she mistakenly clicked one of those fake-download-button ads instead of the actual download button
>and then blindly installed whatever .exe file it spit at her
>swim through the sea of ads to installed programs
>there are several with weird names, and they all look suspicious
>I must remove the tumor, but save the healthy tissue
>start looking them up on a different computer
>nevermind, all of them are tumors
>one stands out
>"Infonaut"
>it alters the registry
>it also silently installs other adware
>so basically, Unlimited Ad Works
>ohshitohshitohshit

Attached: infonaut-adw-installer-setup.jpg (650x506, 54K)

continued

>go back to her computer
>there's even more tumors
>the broodmother must die first
>attempt uninstall
>it completes
>Infonaut is still there
>"nanomachines, son"
>she has ccleaner
>hack and slash my way through the ad jungle to it
>use ccleaner's uninstall tool
>nope, it just runs Infonaut's uninstaller again and doesn't do jack shit
>she has AVG
>it ain't catching any of these
>good job AVG
>she doesn't have malwarebytes
>at least half of these tumors are browser extensions, so any web browser is a Pandora's Box of death right now
>flip out
>journey across the Desert of Limitless Ads
>arrive at the "program files" folder
>one's named Infonaut
>iseeyoubitch.png
>fire missles
>terminate folder with extreme prejudice
>ding dong the bitch is dead
>but the body of the snake still lives
>slip through ad-time back to installed programs list
>Infonaut is indeed gone
>pick off remaining adware one by one
>unlike Infonaut, they don't fight back, and the uninstaller actually works
>With the evil king dead, the subjects bow to a new ruler
>He is just and fair
>And he has them all executed for daring to soil his land with their vile presence
>All is peaceful throughout the land once more
>and my mom never installed adware again

Thinking back on it, I'd kinda like to install Infonaut on a virtual machine and see just how far it goes. I can't find anywhere to download it though.

Attached: morelikeinfoNOT.png (640x360, 310K)

>>the rest

I told my grandparents to use the cloud after being fed up with them blowing my phone up several times a week over stupid bullshit that THEY keep doing to rendering their system unusable.
>clicking on ALL of the emails
>installing ALL of the toolbars
>carrying around the laptop and dropping it during write cycles.

fuck that noise. they can pay the $15/mo for storage that wont require me to system restore several times a week.

Yeah, every couple years I go through this shit with various family members. Most recently late last year my father bought a new laptop that came with Winshit 10 Home and was slow as shit. I went over to his house and it was dual core chinkshit with a 64GB soldered in SSD and 4GB RAM, also soldered. Obviously Shitchunks 10 ran like a drunken cripple. So I installed Xubuntu with a Windows XP theme and icons, set up automatic login, and put a Chromium shortcut on the desktop. I haven't heard a thing since.

Boomers are basically overgrown children. Treat them as such and you'll have fewer problems in life.

Attached: 1535275947649.png (770x775, 304K)

>tell them to get an external HDD backup

>get grandparents a 4TB HDD for pictures/movies/other sentimental crap
>month later get a call that they cant access it
>look at drive
>entire drive is encrypted due to ransomware
Told them at that point im done. 5 years of free tech support and them doing the literal exact opposite time and time again of what i tell them to NOT do, i was done.
>set up outlook to only put emails from trusted sources in a specific folder.
>tell them to NEVER EVER EVER open or visit the email folder labeled DO NOT ENTER!
>get call that computer is fucked
>fuck around with it for hours. get it working. Find they opened every single email in the do not enter folder. Links also show they were clicked
>ask wtf
>We dont know if an email from our church friends is getting to us. they say they email us but we never find it
>open Friends and Family folder
>not a single fucking email had been opened.
I could go on, but tl;dr if i tell them DONT DO THIS! they will do it. I even tried the DO THIS! on the shit i didnt want them to do to see if it would work.
it didnt.

How bout an external hard drive instead?

is this the new
1
2
34

>>DO NOT ENTER
>Not using a folder called Anime instead
Holy shit

>the internet was slow so we called the ISP and they sold us a new router
>the default password was memorable so I manually restored the default weak-ass pseudorandom WPA key from the last one
okay kid
>be me moving home server back home for reasons
>single-handedly reconstruct a secure network
>clean the "computer room" with its years of physical scum
>manage all the cables, cut them to length and tie them
2 weeks later
>my server is inexplicably offline
>mother says "oh, sorry it's down"
>np i'll be back this weekend to fix everything
before I left, a power cord had already strayed across the floor of the newly cleaned room. an ethernet cable had already been carelessly thrown around

I can only imagine what bullshit has been going on in my brief absence. running a port scan now and reconfiguring the DNS config on the registrar now, so at least the website is up.

if it's the dipshit boyfriend, whose networking credentials include subscribing to a bunch of security magazines/security camera advertisement catalogues and getting them sent to my home address, out come the neodymium magnets

>He doesn't backup his parents' photos
You piece of shit.

>aunt asks me to look at her computer
>remove malware and stuff on her Windows 98
>works good .jpg
>weeks later it breaks again and she blames me

it's not always as easy as it sounds. I've repeatedly offered to automatically back up all my mother's files on my encrypted 4TB drives. it has never gotten anywhere

Niggers. A lot of data doesn't slow a computer, not sure if the claims that Windows defragments W7+ on its own are true but even if it doesn't you can just tell it to defragment. Leave a bit of space for pagefile (and a little more so it has a chance to be continuous) and you are golden.

No, it's a selfish act, ensuring your DNA survives. I still help my family because why not.

This was a fun read, user. I commend you on your efforts.

Attached: 0BE3483DB9814CDDBF565C132FDC1D72.png (215x230, 88K)

>having a kid that gets pink hair
This doesn't just happen. This is caused by not doing your job as a parent.

>that doesn't just happen
>what is constant, intense (((societal))) pressure from all sides

just an fyi, there is no such thing as a selfless act, everything is selfish. you derive pleasure out of everything, you feel good about helping someone for example if they drop something. So there is no such thing at all therefore this entire argument is invalid.

>there is no such thing as a selfless act, everything is selfish
Yeah, but I didn't bother to add that.

>'Cloud' = 'someone elses computer'.

why didn't you offer your parents a non-encrypted 1TB drive ?