I really really don't wanna do the whole christmas thing...

I really really don't wanna do the whole christmas thing. How do I temporarily disable my brain and run on autopilot for the next 24 hours

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i feel like on autopilot all the time

How come

mfw I didn't buy anyone anything, almost nobody has gotten me anything cause I told them all explicitly not to, and I'm not going to any family events cause I prefer being by myself.

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Fuck snow
Fuck presents
And FUCK Santa

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I managed to pull that off last year. But now I'm tied

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>cause I prefer being by myself
t. attention starved blogposter

Yup, blogposter, shitposter, niceposter, and occasional maker of fine OC at your service.

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>I really really don't wanna do the whole christmas thing
then dont do it? here, solved it for ya

drink enough alcohol

how do your holidays look like
are you one of those types that does it begrudgingly or not at all
nah I'm tied. it's not my family and they're already expecting me in a few hours

well no matter who they are you could always come up with an excuse if you really wanted

Woah damn it, my aussie detectors are all fucked up today.

god I wish I could
I won't even be able to do that
I think they hardly drink at all
well yeah I could but it's gonna fuck up my standing with them
gotta keep up appearances they have no idea what kind of person I really am

Who'd you think I was?

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diaper boomer alcoholic

Oh nah, it's just me, degenerate escort user.

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Actually I need you "professional" advice.
So there was this one guy that messaged me on friday. said he wanna meet, asked for pics, I shared some, but he kept asking for more lewds and refused to share his. He also refused to rent apartment to meet so I just sperged and blocked him. Honestly whole thing felt wierd and I got spooked.
Did I do the right thing?

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take a bunch of kratom and get blazed as hell duh

I've never tried that before. Does that shit really work?
I always thought it was just some placebo effect

it works. get the green kinds those are the sedative strains.

I don't really hate christmas. I just hate the days leading up to christmas. Buying presents, decorating, baking etc. etc. Too much of a hassle for a one day event.

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Ehhh I mean blocking him was probably a bit extreme, he was probably just a dumb horny boi. He may have had no intention of actually seeing you and just wanted your pictures, but by rent an apartment do you mean get a hotel room or? Idk how it is in Russia but generally guys aren't gonna wanna fork out money for a casual hookup if that's what we're talking about here.

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>but by rent an apartment do you mean get a hotel room
Ye, something like this, its $20 for a day, so a tenner each shouldn't be a problem, and it never was with other guys, instead he wanted to meet at my place and wanted to know where I live, and thats kinda fucked up.

idk I've met girls off of tinder at their place for the first date lol.

this

Yeah I mean Russia isn't as safe as Australia especially for gays so maybe you were right to be cautious. Over here though I've gone over to peoples houses and vice versa a bunch of times and it was fine. If he outright refused to pay a small amount of money for a room though yeah that is a bit suss.

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>russia
>rando guys online who want your address
How turned on are you by a bunch of guys beating you and making you drink their piss?

>How turned on are you by a bunch of guys beating you and making you drink their piss?

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CHRISTMAS GOOD

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Hmm I'll give it a shot sometime
Yeah I feel you. I mean I kinda hate just having to sit there and make small talk as well
But honestly I don't really hate the people it's just that kind of shit really drains me

Thats why I blocked.
Fake profile pic got me worried right away tbqh, and pics he gave he could get from literally any vk page so I decided to rather not test my fate on this one. Maybe I'm just paranoid though, its a pretty quite town tbqh.
>girls
see the difference?

sorry for late reply, kinda in the middle of something

Wew. Had a nice shower, practiced my fake smile in the mirror. And now I'm irishing up my coffee. My willpower has increased even if just a little.

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I did Christmas already. My partner got a week off from the 12-19th and we went up north to my mom's house to see my family.

It was nice. The children make it worth it. Make some fucking memories.

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We already visited my parents friday, now it's hers turn. It's all a bit much desu especially since I have to study the remaining days as well. On the other hand I'm sleeping over so who knows maybe I could make some fucking memories
lmao

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AHA.

Do her parents like you?

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idk it's hard to judge but I think her dad is a bit on the fence because of the age diff and he's a semi-devoted christian
honestly I don't have any bad intentions with the girl but the fact of the matter is I'm pretending to be someone I'm not to be with her so they have a right to be wary

Who are you pretending to be?

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Being devoted to semis doesn't sound very christian.

Last year I spent Christmas in hospital, this year I am at home but lonelier than I was last year. I need to engage the autopilot too.

A manly man who got his shit together after a rough patch, is constantly upbeat and positive, enjoys socializing, has a keen interest in the finer and wholesome aspects of life and never ever in a million years would do drugs no sir. The only thing that's somewhat true in that entire sentence is the fact I have a rough patch behind me. Very very close behind me

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lmao you funneh mister funneh man
no what I meant is he's a christian but he's also an academic so it's less about the blind faith and more about maintaining the moral aspects
idk I heard adderall turns people into robots maybe that would work but I haven't tried it

>A manly man
>The only thing that's somewhat true in that entire sentence is the fact I have a rough patch behind me
post tits

Sheesh. I feel you. I went to rehab this year. My family doesn't know that it just reframed the way I see drugs. I'm not sober, but I'm pretending to be.

Anyway, why are you trying so hard? Is it 'cause you're in love?

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All you need to do is hit yourself in the balls with your face

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no

I actually can make myself look manly I've been working out a lot and I try to dress well. Once you have those two things the rest is all attitude adjustment to keep up the appearance

Damn son. I've never tried rehab. Drugs are the only thing keeping me sane. What do you mean when you say it's just a reframed way to see drugs?

This is actually the most crazy part of the whole deal. I don't feel anything for this girl. Well I respect her because she's a pretty impressive person (grade A student, many creative talents, still very humble) but that's about it. I've been working on my appearance and behavior to make myself look (superficially) like a better person and shit. And it started working, I was getting more positive attention everywhere I went. And before I knew it, it started working too well and I got caught up in my own bullshit. So I chased this girl and I kissed her, not because I wanted to but just to see if I could pull it off. It was sort of like a personal achievement, to make myself feel like I can make my way back into regular society doing regular things. The most twistedly, almost hilarious part of the whole story, I started going back to my shrink to hear his opinion on these extreme changes in my life. And he confirmed a personality disorder diagnosis. I'm literally, biologically incapable of loving someone. The girl is doomed to be hurt by me at some point in the future, it's only a matter of time

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>And he confirmed a personality disorder diagnosis.
What if he realised you're actually ok and won't come back until he scares you with some bullshit and sells you some pills and more of his time?
>The girl is doomed to be hurt by me at some point in the future
Sounds like you actually care.

I can't feel love for someone. But I can still feel guilt and shame. And I have other feelings that replace my feelings of love, and they're of the less healthy variety. Ofcourse I still care because I hurt a lot of people in the past and it was really starting to weigh me down. That's why I've been living as a recluse for the past decade, because I was sick of people entering my life, becoming worse versions of themselves, and leaving my life again. And now I grew up, and I understand it's not just me making wrong decisions, it's me having the wrong feelings and there's very little I can do about it.

My problem was with psychedelics and dissociatives. I was so bored by real life and my surroundings that I chose to escape as frequently as possible. When I went to rehab, no one really knew how to deal with me. They were constantly giving out information about alcohol and warning us about fentanyl. I don't recommend rehab for people who haven't completely lost control. You sound like you have control. Anyway.I had to come to my own conclusion about my specific area of drug use. I realized that if I was going to keep doing drugs, I had to do them on my own time with my own money, and that means I had to fix my life up. Now drugs are an occasional indulgence for me. Didn't mean to write a paragraph, oops.

Anyway, it sounds like even if you don't love this girl, you like being around her. And she has at least a little of your respect because of the way you describe her. So if you're having fun, and she's a cool person, what harm is it really if it started as an experiment?

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Yeah sounds like you're about in the same place as I am drugwise. Keep doing em but do em smart. I've had a variety of prescription drugs for a short while and they made me feel much worse so I said fuck it to that. Hope you can find that sweet spot between drugs and life control. I'm not there yet but it's starting to balance out

Well. I don't really like hanging around her honestly. I don't really like hanging around people in general. It's just this is very specifically a me problem, it has nothing to do with her. If I was "normal" I'm sure I would've loved hanging around her because objectively she's pretty great. But that's the thing that makes me feel worse. I didn't just pick out some rando chick, somehow I managed to get my hands on a really great, sweet, innocent girl. I'm pretty much on the track to hurt a person who really really doesn't deserve to get hurt and that just makes me feel like shit

Wew. I didn't really expect to start blogposting this hard, sorry about that. But this is the kinda shit I could never tell anyone else irl so dumping my purse like this felt kinda nice. So thanks guys. Anyways, it is time, into the breach I go. Merry christmas everyone

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Don't go user, what dissociatives would you recommend? I've tried DXM (via cough syrup) but that's about it as far as dissociatives go.

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I'm sorry man I have to go they're expecting me. Try asking the burger sounds like he knows his shit

Get 500mg aspirin, break it until you have a nice powder, sniff it.
In 10 min to 20 min you'll be white as fuck and you will need to sleep. Make sure your familly sees it and go to sleep for 4hours. I used to do it younger, when i wanted to skip class

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kot ID get