Ok user, so how long will it take you to implement that feature? We need an estimate

Let me circle back with my immediate team/supervisor and I'll have an answer for you right away
(3-weeks later, still no answer)..

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hmm showing an alert if the field is invalid... Yup that'll take ~6 hours

>But I can assure you that won't be neccesary
3 weeks later
>uhh user, it's really not what we were talking about, it shouldn't be doing that thing there and it should be doing that other thing, also placement of this button is wrong, that panel is ugly and can I get this icon in corn flower blue?

Wait? Why would I even implement that feature? I don't even work here!

1 month

"Come on, user, we don't have that kind of time".

Ok, 3 weeks, but I don't promise anything because the time is too short.

Finish it in 1 week and shitpost on Jow Forums another week and announce the infinite effort to finish in time.

Always works, because Project Managers and mainly everyone else don't know shit about my job.

13 story points.

>This many women at the round table
Inaccurate

>3 sprints
kek. Software guys are funny. Must be fun delivering shit every other week
It would take us 1 sprint just to determine the size of fpga we need to implement the design

they're HR cunts

I'll need to get with the software integration team to see what parts of the system need reworking, then I'll draw up a now project plan and touch base with the clients, the keyhole is gonna be whether or not production can have everything up and running in time for the demo. As of now it's all a work in progress so I'll get back to you in a few weeks once the ball starts rolling.

This

An afternoon.

A prototype by the end of this week. Production-ready in 3 months.

2 shakes of a lambs tail plus a jiffy if something’s wrong with the pip repos

uhm, can you please speak in manhours... and a little less obnoxious tone would be very much appreciated

Man hours? That's sexist. Are you raping me right now?

why are you crying?!

can you please not say the r word, you're triggering Katie from HR
since we discussed your sex, gender and pronouns at last retrospective meeting like we always do I refer to you as man, also you should remember you're still white which is not seen as good in our company these days

BELIEVE THE VICTIMS, YOU'RE ALL RAPISTS! FUCK THE PATRIARCHY

>spends three weeks waiting on another team

>how much time for X and Y which we never did before?
> idk
>cmon how much time approx?
>I'll check similar projects
>how much time to check?
>jumps out of the window

Makes me miss gradschool.
Is there a conference or some other immediate need to present or discuss results?
Yes: I'll have it done in time for that.
No: Suck my dick I'm busy is this coffee free?

Attached: 1562214308795.jpg (225x225, 13K)

1 hour, I say, while popping on my gamer gloves
I then roll out of the room backwards on my heelies while doing finger guns at dennis in the back and saying pew pew
I then go home and masturbate to hentai for 50minutes then quit my job and go on welfare

Fuck that's accurate.

>not testing while developing. Why even claim to do agile if you are just going to do waterfall with extra steps?

Initial estimate is 1 sprint but the FUCKING MONKEYS at devops who piss their pants for MONTHS instead of pressing 1 button to grant me access to the environments I need, bumps it up to 6 sprints. ALL of it spent twiddling my thumbs.

Attached: 1537738743768.jpg (639x392, 33K)

>round table
That table isn't round, shit-for-brains

>tfw I’ve spent the last 3 sprints asking the projects architect to put the ticket in for the correct environments to be created, each time he always forgets the reasons why we need new environments

So much fucking this.

>Hey user, I need you to do X
>I want to talk to you and see what a reasonable time frame is
>Can you do it in two weeks?
"No, it'll take four to get anything at all and six if I properly document it"
>Okay, but I've already sold it to a customer and told them it'll be ready in two weeks. Can you do it?
"No, it's not possible."
>Okay, I'm going to lock in two weeks
>And this had better be fully tested and working, I won't accept any more poorly documented work

This actually happened to me, except it was the boss talking to an entire room of people who all said it was impossible. He wanted a new product designed and built in 12 weeks when production estimates alone were 13 weeks and purchasing lead times were 6 weeks.

>it'll take x amount of time
>slack off, sleep, shitpost, etc. for the majority of that time
>always begin working too late and have to rush to get it done
>doesn't even matter if I get it done on time or not (usually finish on the deadline or the day after), they can't fire me I'm not expendable
Feels good working for a small company.

Would you mind the needful sir?

Every time I did this, I got angry and disbelief reactions from other people involved in the project. Especially managers. Industrial Design job, Creo Elements platform, world leader company in agriculture.

Attached: 1491225090395.jpg (871x593, 81K)

This is unironically why capitalism was a mistake. Fixed rate salaries incentivise workers to do as little as possible during their work hours, even to the point of deceiving management, which in turn incentivises management to overly micromanage their employees, which generates a consistently hostile workplace. It’s a constant tug-of-war between employees, who don’t want to do any work, and management, who want to work their employees to death. If employees were paid via a percentage of the profits they generate, they would be compensated in direct proportion to the work they perform, which directly incentivises employees to be more productive, whilst also drastically decreasing the need for useless “team leaders,” who are really just slave drivers paid to crack the whip on otherwise unproductive employees.

I only hire contractors. Get the job done, you get paid. Do it well, I will pay you a handsome bonus and will work to extend the contract to other things. Do it half-assed and I paid you shit, tell you to fk off and slap your ass out the door.

Why do people confuse "where" with "whereas"?

Wait, your sprints are 1 week intervals? That's crazy! I've only ever seen 2-4 week spirits.

bigger companies have stock plans for this reason. but there's also the problem is that the average customer is stupid, which is why they're buying the product. and as a corporate employee you realize you're just a cog in a money making machine, designed to extract as much money as possible with the least effort (of your overlords, you'll be doing lots of busy work). you let them bullshit the customer and you get a decent wage.
the truth is if you're doing a good job there will be lots of downtime. poorly designed architectures create shit tons of busy work that make everyone work hard. measuring work in 8 hour days doesn't make sense anymore for white collar, but how else will we justify making blue collars work 8 hours?
The flaws in a technology create more jobs, the harder they are to work, the more you get paid. C++ was a gift from the gods for developer salaries.
my entire company would be out of business if the other two companies just worked out a simple agreement, it'd be 100 times more efficient. But company A is bad at negotiating so we come in and "fix" their problem by being the middle man

Hi Scott

Between a week and three months, depending on how much you keep pestering me every five minutes and how many meaningless meetings you force me to attend.

2 years and a $20 million dollar series A.

>So... can you say when it will be ready?

Not going to happen because you just described socialism. A bunch of guys who come together, decide on what they are doing by themselves, share the profits.

>"huh? just that? maybe a few da-"
>remember im a 60k dev not a 150k one
>*cough cough*
>"a month and a half best case scenario"

Attached: 1564730867167.jpg (221x250, 9K)

when I get around to it

Umm, but who would create job??

Fucking this is what I do kek

Attached: 279535A7-B807-4016-A8C4-5D6C3C76F4F2.jpg (1242x778, 115K)

It's gonna take me 6 months to rewrite the entire project in pure unportable C while adhering to suckless standards. We can cut this down to 4 months if we remove the UI bloat and make it command line only.

they expect like

Who let these niggers sit at MY table?

It depends on the resources available, give a rough cost estimate, and they’ll balk.

"Anywhere between a day and 10 years"