I think it's better for me to leave people alone, because I am incapable of watching after myself...

Because I was evolution theory's symphathizer since mid school. Only strong and solid should survive while I always had health problems, was strange and weak, so I just gotta wait for 30-40 more years trying to make as less of a hassle as possible and cleanse humanity's genome from one more defected part. That's pretty much all of my life's plans.

1, do you realize you sound like a nut?
2, do you realize your beliefs pretty much work against you and tell you you're wrong to deserve anything?
3, do you understand that "humanity" doesn't really need or care about your sacrifice? let alone, why do you have to sacrifice your life to "humanity"? why do you think one should earn a "right" to live or feel guilty for merely existing? does this sound healthy or natural for you? especially when people who are not as "good" simply enjoy life and aren't really ashamed about it?
4, are you really sure that it's your beliefs that define and explain your emotional state and depression, not the other way round?
long story short, you're a masochist. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder

see the pattern.
—rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themselves (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure
—fails to accomplish tasks crucial to their personal objectives despite having demonstrated ability to do so (e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write their own)
—is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat them well
—engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
rings a bell?
you also believe that you by your own don't deserve unconditional acceptance or love, and you must earn it and if you can't you will be a nuisance (to whom, I wonder?) and off yourself.
btw, you're writing this on a website full of NEETs who fap their life away on NEETbucks and don't really feel bad about it.

Hey leave the apple alone

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1 yeah
2 yeah
3 yeah. idk, I guess I was raised in an ascetic atmosphere and I don't sacrifice anything, it's just the way I've built my life. I feel comfy that way. I know it's retarded and stuf but it's probably too late to change my life.
4 ok, I'm speechless, you've hit a 10 one more time. This is the reason I admire you, bravo. And yes coming to this website was probably a huge mistake I made, I know.
Anyway, nothing you wrote controversies what I've implied, and just proves that I'm too mentally unstable to have long run interactions with others.
They are too delicious sorry

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>Anyway, nothing you wrote controversies what I've implied, and just proves that I'm too mentally unstable to have long run interactions with others.
it does though.
why do you believe you act selfishly? why do you think you're indebted to abstract "humanity" for the mere act of being born? look at most other people. look at animals. they simply live, they don't feel like nuisance. they eat, they sleep, they shit. they don't feel shame or desperate need to prove their "worth". and yet you do.
the fact that you already care for other people, probably shows you aren't selfish. so why treat yourself like you are? there are people who simply don't work or do much, yet they live happily. there are even people who are parasites, and yet they exist without feeling shame. crippled people are treated with love, for some reason they aren't hated and called parasites because it's immoral. somehow they deserve care. yet you don't?
somehow an abstract "humanity" deserves everything for free? somehow
you must slave for it, or otherwise you're not worthy? so what's the point of this life, of this rat race? others' happiness? do you call this slaving happinness?
etc., etc.
I strongly suspect that your mindset is just a result of childhood trauma, being an unloved child in the family. Just feeling indebted, ashamed and being told you're needy and need to apologize for your existence. So try to put yourself in the others' shoes. If your child was weak, or dumb. Does it mean they are not your child? Does it mean they don't deserve love and care? Do they need to apologize, feel ashamed, indebted, and ultimately kill themselves? Don't you think whoever would say "yes" to all of this would sound like a monster, somebody who deems themselves a god, a complete nut? What would you say to a child of this person? Would you try and help them?
This child could have been you.

A healthy ego is about balance. Selfishness is when you take from others without concern for them. It is bad. But your unhealthy altruism is giving without concern for yourself. Believe it or not, it is also bad.
What happens to selfish people? Others around them get angry. They feel injustice, being exploited, ans suffering. In your case, it's you who feels that. Your feeling of injustice simply encountered a brick wall, and became feeling of ultimate defeat. you believe you deserve to be rejected, you have accepted and submitted to crushing conditions. you have abandoned any sense of "me", your own subjective position, as being unworthy.
basically, you repeat a Jesus-like path. you give your life away to others; repent and beat your and others' sins; willfully march to your own defeat, rejecting any help; and ultimately crucifice yourself because of some self-obligation, for some weird reason.
I urge you to stop this and see this isn't "good" or "right". That it's not making life better for anyone, yourself included. It's not insanity but it's a delusion.

Well, I thought it was obvious that I have childhood traumas. If you are interested I’ll tell you that I actually have dad issues. He is not an alcoholic or an asshole or other standard shit like that. I mean, yes he was harsh but in an unique way. Like, probably the word musician must say it all. Also mom was dominant in family.
So I was autistic from the start, and all the adults actually saw me as a “le smart kid with intredesting cognitive patterns XDDD”. Other kids just though I’m weird though, thus I got stuck on appealing adults rather then my peers or myself.
Also yes we had financial problems, so restricting myself was something I got good at from the beginning.
Also, I broke my foot at 10 y/o and hadn’t seen to a doctor, so it hurts sometimes to this day, and even though I am very tall and can look strong , I am actually physically very weak and undeveloped.

I can go on and on and honestly don’t even know why I say this all to you, ut it seems like a right thing to do.

>basically, you repeat a Jesus-like path
Oh my, yet another one lol: yea, I was actually a very religious kid up until maybe 12 or something. I tried my hard to get rid from it but it seems I can’t do that. Never would think you’ll be able to dig that deep.
I actually managed to turn altruism into a selfishness, so I feel happy when I help people, espacially those in despair. Though since I’ve started to work I try not to do it anymore.
May I ask you, are you a psychologist, or just read too much books? It’s strange how only you and couple of other Russians have cut it so big, and one of them was a professional psychologist. Funny why only russians strike me with that.

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I TOOK THAT PIC WTF

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It's the fucking apple bong I FUCKING MADE last monday
Sorry desu

It is symbolic for me, Also don’t bulli apples pls, it’s the best food around.

>Well, I thought it was obvious that I have childhood traumas.
not that obvious, you didn't tell about this
>If you are interested I’ll tell you that I actually have dad issues.
yes I am. you need to analyze and understand your childhood trauma, how exactly how you were mistreated, and hold people responsible.
>He is not an alcoholic or an asshole or other standard shit like that.
abuse can be disguised. just because it's not obvious or good on the surface doesn't mean it's not abuse. in fact, some of THE worst, scariest forms of the abuse are the disguised ones.
>I mean, yes he was harsh but in an unique way.
elaborate. also, there's nothing good in being harsh on your own kid, or anyone for that matter. a child isn't a free scapegoat for their parent.
>Like, probably the word musician must say it all.
er… no, not all really. what are you implying exactly? some big ego, feeling of uniqueness?
>So I was autistic from the start, and all the adults actually saw me as a “le smart kid with intredesting cognitive patterns XDDD”.
it sounds like you feel this label was plain wrong but that it was "prophetic". what do you mean, again?
also, many kids are weird at young age, but remember most they learn is from their parents.
moreover, sometimes parents simply write this "role" for a child and impose it on them. they will tell the child they are "weird" or "deficient" despite they are not, until they break down and internalize it.
>Also, I broke my foot at 10 y/o and hadn’t seen to a doctor
why? why not later? why didn't your parents do anything? this is a pretty big red flag if you ask me.

also, forgot to add
>“le smart kid with intredesting cognitive patterns XDDD”.
yet you learned English fine, right? I guess you weren't bad at school either? so what went wrong?
ans also
>Also yes we had financial problems, so restricting myself was something I got good at from the beginning.
did you demand much compared to other kids?

oh, ok.....

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>Never would think you’ll be able to dig that deep.
I didn't really expect this, that Jesus part was more of something even non-religious people assume as "correct".
Still, Christianity is entirely about this. It's all about being unselfish, self-denying, and self-sacrificial, about guilt, "victory through defeat" so to say, and the "righteous heavy burden", and this it the entire premise of self-defeating personality disorder. it's pathological altruism, pathological because it harms yourself.
>Though since I’ve started to work I try not to do it anymore.
you work?… by your guilty tone, I felt like you didn't and lived off your parents. so… what's exactly is wrong then, why do you feel burdernsome or useless? you sound quite adequate so far, I don't quite see what's so "wrong" that you see about yourself.
>May I ask you, are you a psychologist, or just read too much books?
I have read books, because I also had family issues.

Autistic flex but ok

That image is AIDS.

i know, anime is cancer

Why do Horny American Teenagers have to watch that shit?

i didn't screencap it, just found it

Alright then.

>yes I am. you need to analyze and understand your childhood trauma, how exactly how you were mistreated, and hold people responsible.
>elaborate
well, I think of him as autistic too. He is an intellectual and a good learner too, also worked as a teacher of Armenian language. So was very strictly demanding on school success and always made me go the hard way, doing twice more than was actually needed, made me go to a musical school for five years, made me read books otherwise I would be restricted from playing pc or watching tv, or even playing outside. He could take my phone from me for getting a 2, also I have a twin sister who we fought a lot and I was always punished by standing in the corner, sometimes until evening, while she often got it easy due to being a girl.
But what I hated the most was his long, mind-draining and pointless moral conversations when I would do something wrong or bad. Something like this, heh.
>er… no, not all really. what are you implying exactly? some big ego, feeling of uniqueness?
well, no big ego, but he did feel unique and I assume he had huge family issues too, ut that’s another topic. Anyway, I still remember how I found poems and writings of him dated at early 80s or so, can’ remember. I remember clearly how it was written a Che Guevara style how he will find a hot 10/10 girl have romantic and flamish years with her, form a family and then just leave it, spitting on the face of normality, or something like that. Was funny to read, lol.
Don’t get me wrong, as a person he is actually very decent,maybe too much because others used him a lot, but very very shitty as a dad. And I had tough times admitting that I’ve become like him. I did my best to avoid it, but it’s pointless, it’s too late trying to escape myself, I can only live by admitting that I became everything I tried to avoid.

>it sounds like you feel this label was plain wrong but that it was "prophetic". what do you mean, again?
It was wrong, but no one said that I am weird or deficient. They said that I am, well, interesting and don’t bother adults, and generally a good boy.
>why? why not later? why didn't your parents do anything? this is a pretty big red flag if you ask me.
I was scared and didn’t think of it as a big deal. Mother wanted me to see a doctor but I strongly refused. It actually hurted a lot after, but I never said a thing so I just got used to it. I watched too much spooky tv media crap and was scared of operations, pills, things like that. So I never said when I had a pain.It was extremely stupid. I regret it.
I went to a doctor 10 years after, during conscription checkout. Doc said he saw much worse, like sure it’s a discomfort but living happily with such condition is pretty achievable.
Look, from what I write it may sound like there was a tyranny in my family and my parents were monsters and such, but no: I did lots of retarded shit too, and still do it but they are pretty supportive, so blaming that all on them is kinda wrong.
>yet you learned English fine, right?
yet I still make basic mistakes, and learning English is not that big of a deal in this time and age, espacially if you isolate yourself from the enviorenment around and seek alternative realities to interact with.

I guess you weren't bad at school either?
Well, ot as good as you may think, there were kids doing much better than me, but I did have...well, intersting approach on some subjects, let’s put it that way.
>so what went wrong?
New educational system and High School. We were the first year to experience those changings, so I was forced to change my school, and changed to a completely foreign new area, were I finally met with reality I was no near ready for, so I was bullied pretty hard, and never recovered afterwards. Something like that, heh.
>did you demand much compared to other kids?
I don’t even remember but probably demanded less, though considering that my class was full of rich children from high society, it was pretty easy.
Anyway, I always had less than other kids around, and I mean not just materialistically but also mentally.
>I didn't really expect this, that Jesus part was more of something even non-religious people assume as "correct".
Well, I stiil go to church on Sundays because I was retarded enough to promise myslef that when I was still a kid. I don’t believe in God, not the christian one at least, but feel obligated to go there on Sundays.
>you work?… by your guilty tone, I felt like you didn't and lived off your parents. so… what's exactly is wrong then, why do you feel burdernsome or useless? you sound quite adequate so far, I don't quite see what's so "wrong" that you see about yourself.
this one’s tough, and I’ve spent all my stamina to try answering it. I’ll just say I’ve started it recently, helps to feel less useless yes but still it’s not enough, I feel like I always miss something important.
>I have read books, because I also had family issues.
Cool, which ones if not a secret? I tried Freud at a young age but then saw it’s a bullshit and dropped psychology and reading as a whole on that matter. I only read historical books sometimes.

I’d talk to you for hours but I really need some sleep, Thank you Russanon, you always help me somehow and ggenerally are very nice. BB

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tewi is a nigger, and tewiposters are niggerlovers

If you need to vent, im here. Otherwise stay strong and you can pull through. Remember its all in your head. Go to the gym or volunteer or do something productive to take your mind off things

>So was very strictly demanding on school success and always made me go the hard way, doing twice more than was actually needed
well… it's just so obvious at a glance then. isn't it to you? because it sure is to me. like… how else could you have turned out? it simply immediately follows from your childhood. it's like you're just too used to not seeing it. and yet it overflows from your own consciousness.
your father took, took and took from you, but told you to give, give and give. everything you did had to be for him, with his permission; but every time you said "me" you were told you were "selfish".
and it's not about finances either. what's the economy in taking a phone away from a child? most poor children have for free what was given only under strict condition, for basically working your ass off for your dad. it's like he completely robbed of every single things you had—and your childhood, and still told you needed to give, give and give more to him. he just took everything he could…
and gave what? money? love? affection? support? none of that. why? you were held up to an impossible standard, told it was your responsibility to please your dad—but his demands were through the roof. you were told you were NEVER good enough for your dad (talk about big ego). you had to toil to his every whim, be like a dog for him, and given what? another punishment?yeah you might say it was "for your own good"—except what "good" has come out of this in the end? who would you possib;y have to be—Heracles, genius child, Napoleon, what?—to accomplish all of this? especially when your dad probably wasn't quite any of that, and not nearly as grandiose IRL, because no one can possibly be?
think for a second, what do you think your dad would have to do to possibly to return all this? slave his ass off 24/7 at work for you? do everything for you? wasn't he just treating himself like a god?

…and you can already see it wasn't fair or deserved at all. because if he was "justified", then how come your sister got away with it? how come no other person you probably know or saw has been held to this standard? you were just a scapegoat. think of it for a second: you, the child of your father. a thing that, supposedly, is the dearest to most people. were deemed to be the worst of all by him.
But more than everything, this sounds very much like "do as I say; not as I do" kind of thing. and I think I can see exactly why you note you hated his moral conversations so much: wasn't it just one huge, disgusting hypocricy? telling you that YOU was somehow selfish and entitled in all of this? and that your father was the best guy of all? it was exactly that.
let me state it to you clearly. your dad appears to be a pathological narcissist. he appears to be a ridiculously entitled, grandiose hypocrite, who barely had any sort of concern for your needs. he scapegoated you and projected his own selfishness onto you. and thus you learned that you should never, ever bother anyone with your needs, that you were guilty of awful selfishness—which was in fact your father's all along.
please watch this video, it will probably ring a bell:
youtu.be/CK4MqrYQmKw

Riiight

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I think deep inside you feel absurd levels of repressed anger—and rightfully so. all your life you have been blamed and accused by your own father for his own sins, for the "horrible sin" of being his son. all your life it has been like, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?". all your life you have been exploited, basically, for satisfaction of your father—and told that it was YOU who was the bad kid.
All in all I supposed that your childhood might have been rough and there was more below the surface. But I never expected it was THAT bad. I must say I really feel sorry for you and what you had to come through. I usually don't think people came through much, but I really feel your tragedy now.

please watch this also, and other vids from this channel: youtu.be/S65dyKck2X4
you asked for books, but I think this channel does best job describing narcissism than most of them. you'll read similar things in most of those books anyway.

the funny thing is that i kinda got hungry b4 i hit that shit so i took a bite lol