2 stoned guys are sitting and talking with each other, one tells the other "i have been alive for so long i saw rainbows when they used to be black and white" the other tells him " i have been alive for so long i witnessed the dead see while he was sick".
is it a good joke ?
Other urls found in this thread:
dead sea*
My sex life
a russian, an american, and a canadian walk into a bar
bartender says: i will give you drinks for free, but only if you answer what's 2+2
russian says: it's clearly 4
canadian says: it's clearly 4
american says: I dont know, I'm retarded brainwashed fucking faggot son of whore white male I wish mom aborted me so there was one less american white male in this world retarded whoreson
bartender pulls out shotgun and shoots dumb american in face
A woman wants to buy a parrot, she goes in a pet shop and see the prices : 400€, 350€, 375€... then she sees one for only 50€. She asks the vendor about him.
He says that the parrot was from a brother, and is very vulgar, which is why it's so cheap. The woman thinks about it, and decide to buy it anyway.
So she takes the parrot home.
The parrot starts to speak : "coa coa, a new brothel", as he sees the house.
Then anythime she passes by him, he goes "coa coa, a new brother; a new mistress"
Then her daughter comes home, the parrot got "coa coa, new brothel, new mistress, and new whores".
Later that day, her husband come home, the parrot goes "coa coa, new brothel, new mistress, new whores, BUT THIS GOOD OLD ROBERT NOW !"
i dont get the last part
10/10
nice
her husband is brother
Husband went to brothel were the parrot used to be
a man buys a hat
and it fits
That's a good joke
"I have been alive for so long I witnessed the dead sea while he was sick" is my favorite part
i can only think of untranslatable puns
Why does a Belgian take a knife with him in the car?
To take a shortcut
Saw an abo goin down the road with only one thong on, I said "Did ya lose a thong mate?" to which he replied "Nah, found one."
ITT jokes ruined by grammar mistakes
Why does belgians remove their glasses before driving when they're drunk ?
Because that's less two glasses
Not from my country but once when I lived in Egypt my friend there wanted to explain how dumb the cops were there. So he said they get all the recruits and put them in a line. Then they tell them if you can read go to the right side of the room and if you can't go to the left. Then they pick all the ones that stayed in the line at the middle to be cops.
What's the difference between a British pub and an American pub?
The British need to pay for shots, but the Americans get shots for free.
does it mean they cant read and cant hear or what ?
There is a french, an italian, an american and a mexican in a cliff
The french grabbed a baguette and threw it off the cliff and said: "i don't need it, we have too much of those in my country"
The italian grabbed a pizza and threw it off the cliff and said: "i don't need it, we have too much of those in my country"
the american grabbed the mexican and threw it off the cliff and said: "I dont know, I'm retarded brainwashed fucking faggot son of whore white male I wish mom aborted me so there was one less american white male in this world retarded whoreson"
bartender pulls out a shotgun and shoots dumb american in face
Why is Santa disabled?
Because he carries his package on his back.
kek
they are to stupid to understand the question I guess.
They can't tell their right from left
Knowing how to read is a yes or no question so having people in the middle shows that people there are dumb, then the cops pick them which shows that cops are just dumb.
This is a Frenchman, a Spaniard and an Italian who go to heaven.
When they arrive, Saint Peter says: - I'm sorry but there's only room for one of you and the best way to know who deserves it, is my intelligence.
To which the French, Spanish and Italian answered: good for us
After a while, San Pedro says: Okay, I'll try it, you'll ask me each one thing and if I do not know you can pass. The first was the French: how much does the Eifel tower measure? And Peter says: it measures 19,259 meters.
Then a tunnel opens and the Frenchman falls into hell. The second was the Italian: how tall is the tower of Pisa?
And Peter says: it measures 34,665 meters. Then a tunnel opens and the Italian falls into hell. The last one was Spanish. Saint Peter said to him: come now, you are the last one, hurry that they wait for you there below.
The Spaniard made a hole in the ground, and began to shit. Later he asks Peter: from what hole did it come out?
And Peter answered: through the hole in the ground. And the Spanish answers : no, it came out of the hole in the ass.
And he went to heaven. ..
kek
Never, EVER, fucking steal my jokes again, animal
This is probably the most classic Abo joke in Aus. Not the funniest but it's simple and always gets a laugh. Probably funnier in person though, gotta do the abo voice.
Congratulations. You got the job! Thank you officer Ahmed
Love you habibi. But no they don't know their left and right but you could read it as them not understanding the question too
A bear is walking through a forest. He spots a burning car, sits in it and burns.
A Dutchman and 3 Belgians go on holiday to Spain. The Dutchman went missing so the Belgians go to the police.
The police asks what he looks like, so the Belgian answers “he has black hair!”
The police says that isn’t useful as many people have black hair. So another Belgian says “he has 3 assholes!”
The policeman says it is useful but wonders how he possibly knows that.
The Belgian says “when we arrived at the hotel this morning the barman said he there is the Dutchman with 3 assholes”
Rofl. Can I ask you when and where were you living in Egypt? Did you live near Sharm Al-Sheikh cuz I used to know a russian user who was working as a waiter there.
A great joke from former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke
No I lived in the Mokattam suburbs of Cairo. I am not Russian. I am visiting here. I'm Mexican (American)
Oh I see.
>Mokattam
So you didn't really experience the Cairene Traffic™ ?
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
wheres my tractor
>how was the copper wire invented?
>an armenian and a jew found a penny on the ground
No I did. I didn't just stay in Mokattam but explored a lot. I hung out around Khan Khalili and stuff.
I even got hit by a motorcycle once but was fine so I got the full experience
a man enters a café, splatch
Do you know how the chinese name their children?
Simple, they throw a tin can down the stairs and take note on the sounds it makes
do you know the one about the penguin that breathed through his arsehole ?
He sat and died
Do you know what sound a 200kg chick makes ?
CHEEP CHEEP
oh lol.
Temel (a male name mostly used in black sea region) goes to Germany to work and leaves his family behind. After a while he gets a letter from his village. The letter says your wife is dead, quick come back for funeral.
He goes back to his village. Villagers are waiting for him in front of his house. He asks where is my wife. They say she is inside. Temel goes inside and sees her wife lying on bed eyes closed, wants to kiss her one last time but she opens her eyes and says she lied to see Temel. They have sex right there.
When they go out villagers ask in shock what is happening and Temel says I fucked her and she came back to life.
Temel leaves for Germany again. After some time he gets another letter. This time his father is dead. He thinks this also can't be a joke and gets on the road.
When he makes it to his village he sees villagers are waiting in front of his house again with sad faces. He passes through them to enter his house. When he is about to enter the house one of the villagers say: Don't waste your time Temel, we have been fucking him since the last week he didn't came back to life.
Damn, kek
Noice one.
dont post in my thread subhuman
>Mexican (American)
three fags are in a sauna
"pheew" said one
"whooh" said the other
"braap" goes the third
"HOLD HIM DOWN MAN WE FOUND A VIRGIN :-DDD"
all swedes are gay ~everyone in finland
based on true story
I'm an Indian. We don't joke, we only poo outside loo
italians
I am a nepali. Nepal in itself is a joke. Lets laugh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahajajajajaajajajajajaja
Ha
One day, Stavros (a Greek) tells his wife that he is going to collect the olives they have at their village home.
"I'll be back in 3 days", he tells her.
Two days later he returns home, badly beaten and with torn clothes.
"What happened?!", his wife asks.
"I asked a couple of Turks to help me collect the olives, but instead they beat me up, stripped me naked and fucked me in the arse, for 3 days in a row."
"But it's only been two days", his wife replies.
"I know, I'm going back tomorrow as well."
A bear taking a walk in the forest saw a burning car. He enters it and burns down.
[spoiler]short Russian jokes are a fucking mess to translate[/spoiler]
Padişah (king,sultan,khan) makes a new law: if you miss friday praying 3 times in a row you get sentenced to death and when you get a death sentence they give you 3 wishes.
Soldiers catch a man who miss friday praying 3 times in a row and bring him to the court of padişah. The court ask the man what is his first wish. He says he want to fuck grand vizier's (king's right hand) wife. Vizier wants to object but padişah laughs and says a law is a law. The man fucks vizier's wife. The court ask his second wish. He says he want to fuck padişah's wife. Padişah gets angry but vizier says "a law is a law" with a smirk on his face. So the man fuck padişah's wife too.
Finally the court ask the man what is his final wish. The man's eyes are now moving between padişah and grand vizier. Vizier starts to sweat cold and says: I think I saw this guy in the mosque.
Padişah: You "think"! He was on my left.
An elgishman, a german and a bellman where bragging about who had the largest flagpole.
-My flagpole is so large that if you throw a flower from the tip it'll wither before it reaches the ground, said the englishman.
- My flagpole is so large that if you throw an apple from the tip it'll rot before it reaches the ground, said the german.
-Shucks, said the Bellman that's nothing. My flagpole is so large that if you throw an infant from the tip an old man will land on the ground.
lol!!! Turk got jokes
don't get it
The little Ali is sitting in his school class. The teacher asks "who's German"?
All pupils except for Ali raise their hands.
The teacher proclaims: "You were born and raised here you're German!"
When he comes home he tells his dad about it and gets slapped.
Ali:"Fuck this, I just became German and already get beaten up by the Turks."
kek
2 guys are sitting in a bar, drinking.
One asks the other:" Wanna hear a jew joke"?
The other answers:"No I'm good, my grandfather died in a concentration camp."
"Didn't know you were a jew,m8"
"I'm not, he just fell down a watchtower while drunk on duty."
I've got a good one.
So a student is in class before it starts. He asks a smart wheelchair girl "can you help me with this problem". The girl ignores him and the student asks again. She wheels over and does the problem for him but doesn't explain it; and says "This is the easiest thing I've done all day".
Then class starts and the student stands up to do the pledge of allegiance. The student is standing and tells the wheelchair girl "This is the easiest thing I've done all day".
Father fucking his son and saying:
- see how sad that mom died.
Merkel, Putin and Trump are getting wasted. They start discussing who has the best submarines and decide to have a contest about which submarine can stay submerged the longest.
After 2 weeks the Russian sub surfaces, after 2 more days the American sub surfaces. A few moments later the German sub pops up, an old soldier appears and shouts :"HEIL HITLER"
Χαχαχαχα good joke.
toto (common name for kids in french jokes) asks his dad
>father is that a milk bottle ?
and then toto's father buttfucks him
The guy sees a burqa girl in a bus. Even though she is in burqa it is obvious she has a hot body. The guy sits near her and tries to talk to her. The girl doesn't answer and gets off the bus few stops later. When the guy is about to get off to follow her, the driver of the bus says you can't fuck her like that. She goes to graveyard every night to pray for his dead father's soul. Wear a white sheet and tell her you are an angel. This way you can fuck her.
The guy goes to the graveyard that night with white sheet on him. When he sees the girl praying, the guy gets closer and says he is an angel and they should have sex. The girl says she wants to keep her virginity but they can do it from behind. The guy starts fucking her in the ass. In the middle of sex the guy removes the sheet and yells: Surprise! I'm guy from the bus. The girl removes the shirt and yells: Surprise! I'm the driver of the bus.
kino
A girl was running on her way to church and praying "Lord, please make sure I arrive on time! Don't make me arrive late!"
In confusion, she tripped over, torn her dress and got it dirty. She got up, dusted off and continued running and praying though
this time, she said, "Lord please don't let me arrive late, but pushing me was unnecessary!"
Here is a classic Russian joke:
A bear is walking through the woods, when he sees a car on fire. He climbs into the car and burns to death.
A priest and a rabbi are walking through a park when the priest spots a little kid. The priest says to the rabbi, "hey, let's go fuck that kid!"
To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
The commander is angry to his soldiers and orders them to do 10 push up then starts counting 1,2,3... He then keeps saying 9 but doesn't say 10.
Very amused with the situation the commander tells his soldiers: I know you are cursing me but my uniform is curseproof. One of the soldiers from back asks: Does your mother also wear a uniform?
´s alright
A southerner is driving through town with his pickup truck, guzzling moonshine along the way. At one point, he spots a black man walking across the road. The southerner yells "Hey nigger! Look out!" before flooring the car and running him over. The hick laughs and takes another swig.
The redneck is happily drinking and driving, running over any dark skinned person he sees, when he sees the local priest walking home. Being a good Christian man, the southerner pulls over and offers him a ride, which he accepts.
Along the way the southerner spots another black man taking a walk. Not wanting to upset the priest, he "accidentally" loses control of the car and veers toward him. The car stops and the southerner cries "Oh God! Did I hit him?"
The priest responds, "No, but I think I got him with the door!"
Lol.
So a Southerner in Georgia is trying to grow fruits in his garden, but everything dies after a few weeks. This year he decides to change that so he planted a watermelon patch.
A few months later he looks outside and wouldn't you know it 20 damn niggers started tearing through his patch.
Not wanting to lose his crops he gets his shotgun and nails 3 of them in one shot, the rest of them scurry away.
Not long after a cop shows up, the Southerner is trying to explain that they trespassed but the cop says "In the state of Georgia it is illegal to hunt animals by setting bait traps, that will be a $200 fine".
The man drives through the forest and a man in red clothes stops the car: I'm the red faggot of the forest give me something to eat. The driver is surprised but gives him something to eat anyway then continues driving. After a while a man in yellow clothes stops the car and says: I'm the yellow faggot of the forest give me something to drink. The driver gets angry but still gives him something to drink. After going few more kilometres he sees a man in blue signing him to stop. He stops, opens the window and yells angrily: What are you asking for, blue faggot of the forest? The man in blue replies: Drivers licence and registration.
HAHAHA thats fucking gold.
kek
you a fucking racist mericunt, aren't you
An old rich man marries a young woman. After a while they have problems because the woman cannnot orgasm. The couple goes to see a doctor. Doctor tells them to find a young strong man and make him spin a towel while they have sex. They do that but the same problem continues. The doctor says let the young man have sex with the wife and the husband spin the towel. The couple tries that too. This time it works. The wife is making loud noises and clearly orgasming. The husband laughs and says: See young man, that is how you spin the towel.
A Jew, a Hindu and a Negro are traveling the world. Dusk caught them in the middle of nowhere, but they spot a small farmhouse nearby. They knock on the door and ask for a place to stay the night, but the farmer tells them he only has beds for two and one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
- I volunteer - says the Jew - I've spent my whole life in a kibbutz, sleeping in the barn is nothing new to me.
The Hindu and the Negro crawl into bed, but soon they're awakened by knocking on the door. They rush to open and see the Jew standing there.
- I'm sorry, friends. There is a pig in the barn. I cannot stay there.
- Then I will go - says the Hindu - I've spent my whole childhood in the slums of Bombay, I am used to discomfort.
The Jew and the Negro go to sleep, but soon again knocking can be heard. They open the door and see the Hindu.
- I'm sorry, friends. There is a cow in the barn. I am not allowed to stay there.
- Then I will go - says the Negro - I grew up on the streets of Harlem, even just a roof over my head is luxury to me.
And so the Jew and the Hindu went to bed, but soon they too are awakened by knocking. They get up and open the door.
The pig and the cow are standing there.
What's the difference between santa claus and a jew?
The direction in the chimney.
my sides
FUCKING KEK
A bird comes to church, drinks the wine then flies and takes a shit on the bell. The priest of the church asks the bird: If you were a muslim you wouldn't drink wine, if you were a christian you wouldn't take a shit on the bell what the fuck are you? The bird replies I'm a Turkish nationalist.
>Ticino
A new doctor comes to town. Getting examined by him is 1000 bucks but if he can't cure your illness he gives 5000 bucks back. A guy think it is easy money and goes to see the doctor. The guy tells the doctor he can't taste things. The doctor tells the nurse to bring the box number 8, opens the box, feeds the thing to the man with a spoon. The man yells: This is shit! The doctor says: See you can taste now.
The man thinks more carefully this time and goes back to see the doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong. The guy says he can't remember things. The doctor asks the nurse the bring the box number 8 again but the guy says: the shit box again? The doctor: See you can remember. The guy leaves with anger and tears in his eyes.
Few months later the guy comes back and says that he is impotent. When the doctor turns to the nurse and tell her to bring the box, the guy gets mad and yells: Fuck the box fuck you! and the doctor says: See you can fuck now.
Never understood this joke. Is there a pun or something?
So joão is at class and his teacher says : today every student have to say a color, João, a very smart student with iq 140, thinks to himself, i should probably pick a color no one talks about ... I KNOW !!! its obviously turquoise blue, no brainlet in my class with think about that... and the teacher comes to the first student .. and he promptly responds : white. The second goes blue, the tird .... when its time to the student in front of João, a proud black young man, to give an awnser he thinks a bit, and say : "Turquoise blue, oh my beloved teacher". João with all the rage in the world SCREAMS AT THE STUDENT "PRETO FILHO DA PUTA!" witch translates to : BLACK SONOFABITCH !!