Jokes from your country

Three swedes are in a swimming pool. Suddenly a used condom floats up. One of the swedes shouts: "Alright, who farted?"

ronald drumpf

Not so much as a joke, but more like a story told to kids and shit. Don't know if I can translate it without making it seem just retarded.
>One day, a poor farmer and his wife were sleeping in their farmhouse during the monsoon. There was a rumour that a maneating tiger was on the prowl, so everyone were in their homes. The roof was dripping with a "totk totk" sound that was annoying the fuck out of the farmer. He said to his wife "this totkappa is driving me insane, I'll go out and look for the mile that strayed away and come." She said, "but there's a tiger outside!". "a tiger is nothing compared to this hellish totkappa!" he exclaimed.
>Unbeknownst to then, the tiger was actually right beside their house when he heard this exchange. "What could this mysterious totkappa be if it makes the man disregard even me?" thought the tiger "It would be wise for me to leave lest I incur its wrath" and so he slinked away.
>Now the farmer, in search of his mule, stumbled upon the tiger and, in the utter darkness of a June night, he thought it to be his beast of burden and, letting out a triumphant cry, jumped atop it. "I'VE BEEN SEIZED BY THE TOTKAPPA!!!!!" thought the tiger and began to run, to which the farmer responded by kicking its hips. Thinking its fare to be sealed unless it obeyed meekly, the tiger began to slowly trot.

>Eventually, the rain stopped and the sun began to rise. Now, the farmer could see what he was riding, and was mortified. He was saying his prayers when he realized the tiger was changing something too. "Pls spare me totkappa, I'll never come here again, pls spare me" was what it sounded like. "I'm safe for now, but once the tiger realized I'm a human, it'll kill me" he thought. Deciding he had to go all or nothing now, the farmer said "alright, I shall dismount and get my demonic flame to cook this tiger now. I hope it doesn't run away!" And got off. Immediately, the tiger, thinking he had to go all or nothing now, dashed away.
>Now, a monkey who was seeing all this started laughing. It told the guy " I'll go tell him the truth unless you give me your wife". He told it to fuck off. It went and told the tiger it had been tricked. The tiger was furious, but also nervous, so he insisted the monkey tie their tails together so he won't abandon him. When the farmer saw them coming, he angrily shouted "Where the fuck is Manganna( monkey bro) at!? I sent him to find me another tiger hours ago!"
The monkey died of injuries as he was dragged across the jungle by the fleeing tiger

A man tired of city life moves out to the more rural parts of the country
Years go by and nobody visits him until one day there's a knock on the door
"Howdy there partner! It's me, your neighbour. I'm throwing a party later this evening, wanna come?" the man at the door explains
"Well, it's been quite some time since I've had any human contact, yeah I could come"
"There will be heavy drinking..."
"I wouldn't expect otherwise"
"Fights may break out..."
"I think I can handle myself"
"Raw sex will also be practiced..."
"All the better!"
"Great, see you at eight then"
"It's a deal, what should I wear?"
"Doesn't matter, it'll be just you and me anyway"

"MEDICJINE", said ryssä when he saw vodka.

>É PAVE OU É PACOME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL
>É PAVE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
>OU É PACOME
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

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>not muffins in an oven

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there was an evening and the officer had brought his companion to the policeman for dinner. and when they fall for fun and asks the police officer you will be having sex tonight with your baby or just in the kitchen! think of the police and say with me how to sleep with my baby to crazy the night better sleep alone. so he slept alone. She goes to the police room and goes to wash her hands out and she looks at a beautiful girl with a drink of water. and begins to wash your hands and ask the gal! how do they call you? she says: baby! do you mean the police officer? she lowers her head from shame and says baby! bobo what drink says with you police. how do you call and ask the baby? police answer: ass ass

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and man door hand hook car door

An alcoholic is lying on the street when luckily his wife finds him

She is enraged but before she confronts him he goes 'stay away from he whore, I have a beautiful wife who fills my eyes (metaphor for full satisfaction in a mate)!"

His wife is so ecstatic she buys him another bottle and takes him home for sex

Stay away from me*

BASED

what's the difference between a normal man and a swede?
When a normal man farts it sounds like this
vocaroo.com/i/s1srIKUFVdWk
When the Swede farts it sounds like this
vocaroo.com/i/s151TaClHRFJ

Q: How do you make a Uruguayan?

A: You mix a little bit of Italian, Spanish, and Basque together. Then, you add a little bit of shit. But be careful, if you add too much shit you'll get an Argentinian.

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top kek

Prime Minister Dom Mintoff & President Agatha Barbara (image related, important) where in London for some delegation, and after a meeting the PM wanted to have a good time. So he patrolled the streets and approached the first prostitute (now I don't remember the exact numbers used in the joke, but they were something like this I think) and he asked how much. "20 pounds" she said. "1 pound or nothing!" the PM said, and she left. He approached a second one and she said "15 pounds". Again he said 1 pound and she left. He approached the last one who asked for 10 pounds but of course, he refused and he remained unsatisfied for the night. The next day he was walking along the President in the same area and was spotted by one of the prostitutes. She approached him and while pointing to the President she said "She what you get with 1 pound?"

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Bretty good, I enjoyed it

The nationalities change per joke teller, but it's something like this

>Three soldiers an American, a Spaniard and a Puerto Rican are trying to cross a rope bridge that is heavily protected by machinegun fire
>The American goes first, and while crossing the bridge he gets shot. With his dying breath, he screams "I died for my country!"
>The Spaniard goes next, and while crossing the bridge he too gets gunned down. With his dying voice he whispers "I died for my people..."
>The Puerto Rican soldier goes next and he quickly cross the bridge avoiding enemy fire. When he reached the other side, he realized that he lost his helmet on the bridge, so he runs back to grab his helm, but he gets gunned down. In his dying agony he complains "I died for my idiocy!"

What do you call a sophisticated American?
[spoiler]Canadian[/spoiler]

My dad sends me jokes some time. Most recent one was :

מייד אחרי הצפירה בא אלי פועל ערבי מהבניין שבונים ליד ושאל אותי: מה זה הצפירה הזאת ולמה עמדת? עניתי לו שזה לזכר חיילי צה"ל שנהרגו במלחמות אז הוא שואל אותי: ומה עם הערבים שנהרגו? עניתי לו שאת זה אנחנו חוגגים בערב

Translated:

Just after the sirens, an Arab builder working on a building comes out and asks me "what's with the siren and why did you stand for it?". I told him it's to remember our soldiers that died in the wars. He asks me "what about the arabs that died?". I told him we're celebrating tonight.

A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."
Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex. The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex. The Canadian says, "7" The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Canadian says, "5" The gas attendent says, "Sorry, it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Made me laugh