Please tell me a joke from your country

What's with the Austrian jokes?

Everything the Swiss ever did in history was fight the Austrians in this one battle they're very proud of. There's literally nothing else.

Why did the austrian light his lighter?
To see if he had turned off the lights

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We only have this Story about an Austrian who was involved in a fatal accident with his motorbike.
His had was really damaged so the Doctors decided to open it. Suprisingly they only found a string in the head of the Austrian and nothing else.
After they cut the string the ears fell off.

please, just stop. don't contribute any further to the german humor meme.

t. joke generator 3000

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Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Oh my

it's Monday morning and a woman opens the sperm bank where she works as the receptionist (not the joke)

she's sitting at the front desk when a man walks in wearing a mask. he points a gun at her and says 'open the safe'

'but sir there isn't any money in that safe, this is a sperm bank it's all of our patient's sperm samples'

'bitch open the safe right now or I'll blow your brains out'

she opens the safe and sure enough there are 20 or so different jars with sperm samples inside.

'ok now I'm going to watch you drink one'

'omg no'

'bitch do it or I'll kill you!!'

so she reluctantly gulps one down

'ok good now I'm going to watch you drink the rest of them if you want to live!!!'

'ok please dont hurt me'

she drinks them one by one before the masked man reveals himself to be her husband - 'see honey what was so bad about that?'

I don't understand a word of what you're saying.

ok Mohammed

ha ha do i fit in now?

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Americans talk about people who want to shot someone else even in jokes

ICH MOCHTE DIESE SCHALLPLATTE NICHT KAUFEN

MEIN LUFTKISSENFAHRZEUG IST VOLLER AALE.

Guys here is another great one:
Why are austrians yellow?
Because they piss against the wind :-DDDD

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Plz Germany STAHP!

Why autrians cannot into building houses?
Because they start with the roof :-D

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Kek

Are Austrians your Belgians?

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A wh*toid subhuman was trying to """banter""" an alpha KARA BOGA demigod.
The perfidious, uncultured cum skinned individual asked:
"Hey nigger, do you know why the palm of your hands is white?"
"No. Tell me".
"Because you were on all fours when God threw paint at you!".
The whitoid laughed nervously as the black man remained stoic and impassible. When he stopped laughing, the muscular, pyramid builder African elite man asked:
"And you, white brother. Do you know why your ass crack is black?".
"N-no... Why?".
"Because I was fresh-painted when I ass raped you".
The white "man" turned red. He was speechless. He finally realised KARA BOGA would always be at a higher level of consciousness than him, a pig skinned homunculus. He returned to his house to find consolation in his wife's embracement.
But what he actually found was a KARA BOGA "painting" his wife's privates.
He killed himself later that day.

Here's another one

How many Austrian jokes are there? Not a single one, they're all facts.

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i think it's actually because the buttcheeks form a shadow

Alright guys it's time for some top quality german banter.
If you read this put your seatbelt on because this will be one hell of a bumpy ride

An autrian, a belgian and a burger man walk into a bar.
The german barkeeper then says "hey you can't go in here!" while pointing at the austrian.
"Why?" the austrian asks?
"Because dogs cannot go into a bar."

>proud of
I don't even know what you're talking about

what the fuck

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alternatively the joke also works with pigs or rats instead of dogs, if you want to feel creative

yeehaw espan yuh

Why does a Russian thief always steal two cars?
Becaue on the way back he has to pass Poland.

German cars are made from German steel (Kruppstahl).
Swedish cars are made from Swedish steel (Schwedstahl).
And Polish cars? They are made from steal (Diebstahl).

Morgarten obviously.

Austrian Women are like good wine....left to mature in a cellar.

that's the worst joke so far

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
the best one so far

I wanted to make a joke about russia but someone stalingrad (means someone just stole it :DD)

Based husband

>austrians

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I remember something from school but austrians are bros. We joke about all our neighbours I don't think it has something to do with that battle

A Mexican walks into a bar, orders a tequila and then leaves. As he was leaving the bartender says: "sir you didn't pay for that tequila" and the mexican replies: "i didn't pay the visa fee either" top kek

I don't get it

the joke is humorous because morrocans are usually tought of as good-for-nothings.
Therefore you are only seen as capable of being a guardrail.

An American walks into a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, "I have two million dollars with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!"
The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, "Sir, there's no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

what do you call 20 thousand indians strapped to a rocket?

Clean up Australia Day

"Do you know how one can save the life of an Austrian?"
"No, thank God I don't"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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This is an old New Brunswick joke:

>Once while out deer hunting I come across the biggest bull moose I ever saw. Moose tag or not I couldn't resist so I shot it and down he went. Anyways, by the time I got him cleaned out it was getting on pretty late. It being Autumn in the Maritimes she was some cold out and I come up with a pretty good idea. I curled up inside that moose cavity, used my coat as a pillow, and put a couple stitches made from my shoelaces into the moose just to hold things together real cozy. I got a great night's sleep. Well, come morning I went to get out of the moose and my heart sunk when I found him frozen shut. Kick, punch, pull, push, heave as I may, I could not break that frost and get out. Now, I knew another hunting party or a warden would be by before long and I'd be in big trouble. I was feeling pretty low and sorry for myself. In my melancholic mood I got to thinking about all the things I done wrong in life. The more I thought about, the smaller I felt. Then I remembered when I had voted for Trudeau in the last election. That made me so small I was able to climb right out the arsehole of that moose and be on my way

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Un mexicano estaba tranquilamente tomando su desayuno, cuando un típico "norteamericano", mascando chicle, se sienta a su lado.
El mexicano ignora al "yanquiman" que no muy contento con eso, trata de hacerle conversación preguntando:
- Perdón, ¿usted se come todo el pan?.
- ¡Por supuesto! - contesta el mexicano -.
- Nosotros no- dice el gringo -.
- Nosotros sólo nos comemos la migaja de adentro del pan y la parte de afuera la ponemos en un container, la reciclamos, la transformamos en harina y la exportamos a México.
El mexicano escucha en silencio, impertubable.
El americano sigue mascando su chicle e insiste:
- ¿Y ustedes se comen la mermelada con el pan?.
- ¡Por supuesto! - contesta nuevamente el mexicano -.
- Nosotros no - dice el americano -.
- Nosotros en el desayuno comemos fruta fresca, la cáscara y las semillas las ponemos en un container, las reciclamos, las transformamos en mermelada y la exportamos a México.
El mexicano ya un tanto alterado le pregunta:
- ¿Y ustedes qué hacen con los condones después de usarlos?.
- ¡Los tiramos a la basura, "of course"!.
- Bueno, nosotros no.
- Después de usarlos los ponemos en un contenedor, los reciclamos, los transformamos en chicle y los exportamos a los Estados Unidos.

God created the first Swiss and asked him what he needs. Mountains, is the Swiss answer. So god created mountains.
"What do you want next?" asked god.
"Cows" said the Swiss.
And god created the swiss cows.
The Swiss started milking the cow and tried it. Then asked god if he wants to try it too, filled a cup and gave it to god.
Then god asked again: "What do you want now?"
"Four franks eighty rappen."

"Why are germans so ashamed of hitler?"
"Because he was austrian"

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Por que os portugueses não fecham a porta quando vão ao banheiro?
Para não olharem pelo buraco da fechadura.

hahahahaha

This one was somewhat amusing

I tried to play UNO with my Mexican friends, but they kept stealing all the green cards.

¿Por qué los gallegos cada vez que compran una caja de leche la abren en el mismo supermercado?.
Porque el envase dice: "abra aquí".

Yeah I guess that's true

Why do Austrians have two drains in their bathtubs?
One for cold and one for hot water.

Kek

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A few Turks are sitting in the bus and celebrate that there are now 4 million Turks in Germany.

An old woman turns around and says: "There were also 6 million Jews in Germany!"

>a first time hunter buys a rifle and goes into the woods to hunt
>he immediately spots a huge bear, aims, shoots and misses
>the bear turns around and starts laughing "that's too bad man, but i will not eat you if you suck my bear dick"
>so the hunter sucks the bear dick and goes back home
>the next day he buys a huge shotgun and goes back to the woods
>he spots the same bear, aims, shoots and misses
>the bear turns around and smiles "you know what you have to do now"
>the hunter sucks the bear dick again and goes back home
>the next day he wakes up with several diseases and mushrooms and shit growing on his tongue but he buys an even bigger gun and goes back to the woods
>he again spots the bear, aims, shoots and misses
>the bear turns around with a big smile "i don't think you came here to hunt eh"

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Two men are sitting in a bar. Then one says to the other: "Should I tell a Jew joke?"

The other replied: "No, please do not, my grandfather died in a concentration camp."

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Was he gassed?"

"No, he fell drunk from the watchtower!"

Por que los gallegos nunca entran a la cocina?

Porque hay un frasco que dice "sal"

There was a tragic accident in Spain that left several people dead and injured... a mall's escalator broke down.
Explanation: Spaniards are so dumb they can't even use a broken escalator (normal staircase)

I don't understand this joke. Can you please explain it further?

>Dutch joke about bear cum
youtube.com/watch?v=OYa3V7GIizI

Why austrians always bring a cow to a church wedding?
To keep the flies away from the bride.
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

that the best joke about germany

"Why did austira hungary end?"
"Because the hungarians were tired of being in a coalition with literal monkeys"

A man pulls up to a remote restaurant, outside is a sign that reads:
>Ham & Cheese Sandwich $5
>Handjob $10
The man walks in and takes a seat at the counter
A cute waitress walks up
"Are you the sweet little thing that gives the handjobs?" He asks her
"Sure am sexy" she replies.
"Then wash your fucking hands and make me a ham sandwich."

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
you're killing me

>Explanation
Please don't do this, never do this

the joke would make no sense without it

nice we have the same joke but with austrians and elevators

That's the oldest fucking joke in the book

this
how are you supposed to know the punchline and when to laugh without background information?

ahhh that's britty good

An American, a Frenchman, and a Pole are on a plane. The plane gets damaged in a storm and is gradually losing height. There are no parachutes left, but in order to make the plane lighter someone has to jump out.
The three men draw straws and the first one to go is the American.
He drinks all the whiskey and bangs all the blondes on board, yells "GERONIMO!" and jumps.
The plane is still too heavy, so they draw straws again, and this time it's the Frenchman's turn.
He drinks all the wine and bangs all the brunettes on board, yells "VIVE LA FRANCE" and jumps.
The plane is still a bit too heavy so one more person has to jump. It's the Pole's turn.
He drinks all the alcohol left and bangs all people on board, yells "FOR CONGO" and pushes out a nigger.

si!!!! me encanto este tipo

What does a Pole do on ice?

Break in :)

sale pinche gallego ajjj

i unironically had a laff

Why are there so many roundabouts in Poland?
-
The handlebar locks are still engaged

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What does a Pole do when nobody is watching him?
He steals a car.

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What does a Pole do when you kick it in the ass?
-
Press his cheeks together and run away with the shoe.

A man is on a train going to a business meeting.
He gets off the train and sees a Native American standing there with a sign that reads "Will remember anything for $5."
The man pays $5 and asks the Indian what he had for breakfast on 03 December 11 years ago.
The Indian thinks for a bit and says he had only eggs that morning
The man scoffs and has a little laugh at the absurdity of this obvious redskin scam
20 years later the same man takes the same train to the same station and the same Indian is standing there with the same sign
The man has completely forgotten about him
Being cheeky he walks up, sticks his hand up, and gives the sterotypical Indian greeting of "Howe"
Scrambled the Indian says

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Smirked at this one

¿Por qué los gallegos van al supermercado desnudos?.
Porque afuera hay un anuncio que dice: "50% de descuento en pelotas"

When do you celebrate Christmas in Poland?

Shortly after we celebrated Christmas in Germany.

What do you call an innocent german?
You don't

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

There's no such thing as an apple bastard.

Who invented the triathlon?
-
The Poland. Walk to the swimming pool and bike back.

Explanation: The Poles need to wait for the Germans to give their presents so that they can steal them and give them to their loved ones.

Va un gallego conduciendo por Londres y pone la radio, cuando justo emitían las noticias, y escucha:
- ¡Atención, atención, se le comunica a los automovilistas que hay un loco manejando en sentido contrario al tránsito!. ¡Tengan cuidado!.
Y el gallego dice:
- ¿Cómo que uno?. ¡Miles!.

Explanation: Pole stole a bike at the swimming pool.