>be ooga boogas
>get settled by Greeks
>get settled by Romans
>become Christian
>defeat Bulgar and Hungarian steppe horde
>Serbian king comes to Croatia and pleads for help against Bulgar savages
>we save their asses
>eventually native dynasty dies out and we accept Hungarian overlordship, which is kinda gay
>later fall under Habsburg rule
>Croatians play major part in the Renaissance
>however a lot of the country becomes a battleground against cockroaches
>eventually remove roaches
>otherwise participate in all of the major wars and events of the Habsburgs
>during Thirty Years War, Croatians are known as Habsburgs' elite shock troops and are much feared in battle--usually whenever they showed up, you knew the battle was over and you may as well drop your weapons and run
>after Napoleonic Wars, nationalism emerges and intellectuals promote use of Serbo-Croatian language instead of German or Hungarian
>although we help the Austrian emperor put down Hungarian rebels in 1848, he acts like a dick and takes away some of our autonomy anyway
>go into WWI
>almost the entire male population under 45 is drafted and we suffer tens of thousands of casualties, food shortages, influenza, strikes, and communist protests following Bolshevik revolution
>despite our bravery in killing thousands and thousands of pastaniggers and S*rbs
>after it's over, Austria-Hungary falls apart
>Serbshits march into Croatia completely uninvited as part of bullshit Greater Serbia project
>become part of Yugoslavia which is ruled by Serbian king with Serbian laws, currency, etc
>oh well at least on the good side we removed Hungarian landowners from Croatia
>Serbs also ban nationalist newspapers and books and rig elections so they can have majority in Parliament
>WWII starts
Be ooga boogas
Other urls found in this thread:
>Germany invades and dismembers Yugoslavia
>thanks Papa Adolf for liberating us from S*rb tyranny
>deport Serbs from our territory and shoot anyone who refuses (anything you may have heard about some Jasenovic place and civilians being butchered there by the thousands is false and just Cetnik propaganda--ignore it)
>some commie ginger and his buddies emerge from their bunkers at the end of the war and announce they're in charge now
>kill all Nazis/royalists and dump their bodies in abandoned mine shafts with a bag of quicklime over top
>all hail Comrade Tito!
>after a couple rough years of using police terror to consolidate power, he announces that Russia sucks and he's not going to be their friend
>Russians become insanely butthurt and try to coup Tito but he's not having it
>eventually Tito makes sort of ok communism where you can travel to the West and private property is allowed, although this is mostly due to milking the West for money
>things are doing nicely in the 1960s, we're booming economically, and Cetnik/Ustashi retards are either dead, locked up in Goli Otok, or forced to get actual job and education
>70s oil crisis fucks up the economy
>Tito dies
>things start to come apart hard
>hey cool, we're a country for the first time in 800 years ruled by closet Ustashi Tudman
>Serbshits manage to mistake SFY for interwar Yugoslavia and think that Yugoslavia=Serbia
>they chimp out and try to invade us but the burgers and Germoney give us weapons and we foil their plans
>war ends in 1995
>we join EU and become rich while laughing at Serbs eating American cruise missiles in 1999 and losing more and more clay each decade
>Serbia continues to be decaying favela-tier shithole with ruined buildings from the bombings that have never been rebuilt and they can't do a thing except rage about it on Jow Forums
>go in World Cup
>so close and yet so far
>be Americans
>be awesome
>cause Yuropoor butthurt
>Celtic boys minding their own business, pillaging Greek city-states, Rome and stuff
>get invaded by Rome, adopt Latin culture and language almost instantly
>become Gallia
>Rome falls, Franks, a Germanic tribe, take over the North of Gallia
>their king, Clovis first unifies the Frankish tribes then converts to Christianity, earning the blessing of the remnants of Roman officials in the area
>Frankish Empire is established under the Merovingian dynasty started by Clovis, progressively annexes most of Western Europe
>Merovingians eventually lose their influence over the realm, and a very talented man named Charles Martel appears and becomes the de facto leader
>this man routs a Muslim army at the Battle of Tours, forcing the Arabs to retreat into Iberia
>his son Pepin the Short inherits his influence and ends up deposing the Merovingian ruler after gaining support from the pope
>then his two sons Charlemagne and Carloman both inherit the empire, but the latter dies in an "unfortunate" accident so Charlemagne takes over the whole empire
>he annexes many territories, forcefully converts and genocides the Saxons, but most importantly gets himself crowned Holy Roman Emperor, heir to the Roman Empire by the Pope, a move that will greatly affect the geopolitical situation in Europe for the next 1000 years
>he dies 14 years later and leaves the empire to his son, whose death caused the empire to split into three: West Francia, Middle Francia, and East Francia
>the kings of West and East Francia sign the Oaths of Strasbourg, in which they swear in the other's language(Old French and German) not to attack each other
>the king's power becomes heavily weakened by feudalism in West Francia, thus rulership stops being hereditary and the Kings of West Francia are now elected
>the power shifts between the Carolingians(descending from Charles Martel and Charlemagne) and the Robertians
>around then, a viking named Rollo is given land in the North of West Francia, it becomes Normandy
>eventually, a Robertian named Hugh Capet was elected King of the Franks; from then, not a single Carolingian became King of the Franks
>thus begins the Capetian dynasty
>by then, Western Frankish kings needed interprets to understand emissaries from East Francia, as they did not speak German anymore
>more than 150 years later, the vikings in charge of Normandy now identified as "Normans" after adopting Frankish institutions and Gallo-Roman language and intermarrying with the locals
>enters William the Bastard, illegitimate descendent of Rollo and Duke of Normandy who conquers England and becomes known as "the Great", or, posthumously, "the Conqueror"
>William's son died without an heir, leading to a crisis in England known as "the Anarchy"
>it ended with the crowning of Henry II, from the French house of Anjou
>then, the reign of Philip II Augustus of France marked an important step in French history
>he was the first king to style himself "King of France" and not "King of the Franks"
>he allied Henry II of England's son, Richard, and overthrew him with his help; Richard thus became king of England and became known as "the Lionheart"
>they fought together in the Third Crusade, however their friendship broke and they fought each other in France
>Richard almost defeated Philip Augustus, but the French crown was saved by his early death
>his successor, John Lackland, saw his territories in France confiscated by Philip Augustus, and was swiftly defeated
>it is then that the French and Anglo-Norman aristocracies were split
>then began the reign of Louis IX of France, also known as Saint-Louis
>he continued his father's work and centralised the kingdom, and took part in two crusades; the Seventh, in which he spent four years in captivity and attempted to form an alliance with the Mongol Empire and the Eighth Crusade, in which he died of bubonic plague
>forty years and five reigns after the death of Saint-Louis began a succession crisis; the death of Charles IV without an heir ended the main Capetian line, and under Frankish(Salic) succession law, women could not inherit the crown, so the throne went to Philip VI, son of Charles of Valois, Charles IV's uncle
>the Angevins, being excluded from inheriting the French crown through matrilineal descent, started the Hundred Years' War in an attempt to conquer France
>France lost the first phase of the war, won the second, but suffered a crushing defeat at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 which led to Henry VI of England, the current king's son, being recognized as king, reducing Valois rule to lands south of the Loire river valley
>but this state of affairs didn't last long; an army led by a peasant girl named Jeanne d'Arc, who claimed she was acting on orders from divine voices, retakes Reims and shatters the English armies in Northern France, allowing the head of the house of Valois, Charles VII, to be crowned at Reims
>she was later captured by the Burgundians and burned at the stake by the English for sorcery; she was posthumously declared a saint
>the king later reconciled with the duke of Burgundy, which led to a reversal of situation, and France ended up winning the war at the Battle of Castillon
>the toll of the war combined to the Black Death caused France to lose about half of its population, but it recovered in about a century
>in England, the defeat at the hands of the French kingdom caused a succession war known as the War of the Roses; it proved pointless for both sides of the war, as neither ended up inheriting the throne
>indeed, it marked the end of French rule over England with the accession to the throne of the Welsh house of Tudor
>a side effect of those wars was the appearance of two distinct French and English identities; Norman and French stopped being the prestige languages of England, and English took over this position
>thus began the modern era
>be English
>rule the world
>invent everything
>trigger scotmongs and frenchtards epic style
the end
>England being in a state of political instability, and having effectively lost its claim to the throne of France, France could now shift its focus to continental Europe
>however, it did so very unsuccessfully; the emergence of Habsburg Spain as the foremost power in Europe caused France's utter defeat in the Italian Wars
>shortly after the Italian Wars began the Protestant Reformation and subsequent French Wars of Religion; a growing Protestant minority known as the Huguenots faced harsh repressions and massacres, which lead to civil wars and even more massacres
>the Wars of Religion culminated in the Wars of the Three Henrys, during which the last Valois king, Henry III, was assassinated without an heir
>thus, Henry of Bourbon, the Protestant belligerent in the conflict, inherited the crown of France, became Henry IV and converted to Catholicism to legitimise his rule, but not before enacting the Edict of Nantes which made Protestantism an accepted faith
>a talented king, Henry IV pacified France and laid much of the ground for the beginnings of France's rise to European hegemony; he was however assassinated by a Catholic fanatic in Spain
>Henry IV's son, Louis XIII and his advisor, Cardinal Richelieu, elaborated a strategy to defeat Habsburg Spain and the Holy Roman Empire; it was to support the Protestant side of the Thirty Years' War which had broken out in Central Europe
>France eventually intervened directly in the conflict to help its Swedish allies, ultimately tipping the balance and winning the war for the Protestant league; and the Peace of Westphalia established France as the dominant power in Europe
>French had replaced Latin as the court language in Europe, and French cultural and military dominance was undeniable; and it is then that Louis XIV, the Sun King, appeared
>an absolute monarch, he greatly expanded France's borders, created the Palace of Versailles, and installed his own dynasty on the throne of Spain, but at the cost of bankrupting France
>he died after ruling for 72 years and was succeeded by his great-grandson, Louis XV, whose reign was marked by the return of England on the international scene as Great Britain after nearly 150 years of instability
>he fought the disastrous Seven Years' War against the British, losing all of France's Canadian possessions to them
>his rule also coincided with the Age of Enlightenment, the golden age of French thought
>he died after ruling for 59 years and left the kingdom to his grandson, Louis XVI, a weak ruler who alienated the French population
>France's economy was still reeling from the wars fought in the previous two centuries and the construction of the Palace of Versailles, but Louis XVI decided to support the American War of Independence, effectively tipping the balance in American favor but also completely bankrupting the country
>the financial crisis led him to summon the estates-general, a French assembly composed of the three estates that make up the realm
>the 3rd Estate, the peasantry, declared itself the National Assembly, and they swore not to separate until they had given France a constitution
>the Bastille was stormed; thus began the French Revolution
>the National Assembly published the Declaration of the Rights of Man and the Citizen; the King was at the mercy of the revolutionaries by then, and two years later, they drafted their constitution, turning France into a Constitutional monarchy
>however the King's attempt to flee the country, and the failure of the Constitutional system caused by his repeated uses of his veto plunged the country into chaos again and led to his deposition and subsequent execution; the 807 year rule of the Capetians came to an end
>his death led to Britain and the Dutch declaring war on France
>the Jacobins, a French parliamentary faction, took the power with a coup d'état and created the Committee of Public Safety under Robespierre, thus was unleashed the Reign of Terror, and about a thousand people were guillotined
>the Reign of Terror instituted the levy en masse, which allowed France to fight its wars against the counter-revolutionary powers efficiently
>however, the Reign of Terror was eventually crushed, and a new constitution was adopted in 1795
>by 1795, France had conquered the Austrian Netherlands and the left bank of the Rhine, annexing them into France
>a young Napoleon Bonaparte then campaigned in Italy, creating multiple French satellite states and winning the War of the First Coalition
>a few years later, after a botched invasion of Egypt, he returned to France and led a coup d'état, making himself First Consul
>he then turned the tide on the coalition powers during the Second Coalition War, and was named Consul for life right after its end
>the British renewed war in 1803, and he had himself crowned Emperor the next year
>in 1803, Napoleon sold Louisiana to the US
>by 1804, Britain alone stood outside of French control, and after his naval defeat at the Battle of Trafalgar, Napoleon instituted the Continental System in an attempt to defeat Britain through economic warfare
>in 1805, the French Empire won the Battle of Austerlitz, putting an end to the Holy Roman Empire
>in 1806, Napoleon and his general Davout crushed Prussia at the Battle of Jena-Auerstadt, leading to their incorporation in the Continental System
>in 1807, Napoleon, sensing an incoming Spanish betrayal, invaded his Spanish allies, leading to the Peninsular War
>France was at the height of its power after the defeat of Austria in the Fifth Coalition War, with most of Europe under its control
>Russia decided to start trading with Britain again, leading to the French invasion of Russia which ended in disaster, with most of Napoleon's Grande Armée dying
>as a result, France lost the Battle of Leipzig and was forced to negotiate peace
>Napoleon was exiled and the monarchy reinstituted, but Napoleon came back and his men submitted to him again
>thus started the Hundred Days, which ended with Waterloo
>Napoleon was decisively defeated by the English Wellington and the Prussian Blücher, exiled and held captive until his death, and the Bourbon monarchy was reinstituted again; thus ended France's time as the foremost global power, but the Revolutionary Wars ensured the spread of French democracy and civil law worldwide
>the new kings didn't accomplish anything of note at the international level other than starting the French invasion of Algeria
>they were overthrown in 1830 and thus started the July Monarchy under a cadet branch of the house of Bourbon, the Orleans
>it lasted for 18 years until another revolution established another republican system, this time with a president, however the people elected Napoleon's nephew, Louis-Napoleon Bonaparte, who staged a coup d'état at the end of his mandate and declared himself emperor
>France funded the creation of the Suez Canal, unsuccessfully attempted to add Mexico to its sphere of influence, fought against Russia alongside Britain in the Crimean War, and decisively helped unifying Italy, gaining Nice and Savoy as a result
>then, Otto von Bismarck baited Napoleon III into declaring war on Prussia, which led to the disastrous Franco-Prussian War, in which the outdated Napoleonic army model was put to shame by the modern Prussian army
>France was swiftly defeated, the Second French Empire destroyed to give rise to the German Empire
>as a result, Alsace-Lorraine was given to Germany, and a Third Republic was established in France, and it started by crushing a communist rebellion in Paris known as the Paris Commune
>paradoxically, it is then that France's answer to the British Victorian Era, the Belle Epoque, started, but it is also then that revanchisme, the desire to take revenge on Germany emerged
>it was nevertheless a period rich in culture, saw the invention of cinema as a form of art by the Parisian Lumière brothers
>it established a large colonial empire during the Scramble for Africa, controlling most of Africa
>the Third Republic formed alliances with Russia and Britain, and honored its alliance with Russia by joining WW1
>by taking part in WW1's bloody attrition warfare, France lost around 1.4 million men; it sacrificed an entire generation of young men
>France won some significant battles against Germany, most notably the Battle of Verdun, which lasted 9 months, and its two most prominent generals and its army also led the Hundred Days Offensive which put an end to the Central Powers' ambitions
>it led the negotiations at the Treaty of Versailles, annexed back Alsace-Lorraine, and Georges Clemenceau supported the harshest terms for Germany out of any leader
>after the war, France enthusiastically joined the League of Nations, but was disappointed by America's decision not to join or form a defense treaty with France
>right before WW2, the Third Republic started a series of socialist reforms
>then WW2 started, and France was swiftly defeated due to several reasons, namely incompetent generals, a limited manpower pool, lack of communication with its allies Belgium and Britain, a last-minute change of plans in the Nazi strategy, and a not-so-modern war industry
>thus was born the Nazi client regime of Vichy France under WW1 hero Philippe Pétain, and the French Resistance under Charles de Gaulle
>France was eventually freed by the Americans, Brits and Soviets, and occupied parts of Germany
>the Fourth Republic that followed was unsuccessful; it lost Indochina, was humiliated by the Suez Crisis, and wasn't able to face the Algerian crisis, which led to de Gaulle returning to power and creating a new constitution, which led to the Fifth Republic, but it did join the EEC
>the Algerian War ended up a French military victory but political defeat, as a referendum had decided to let go of Algeria
>de Gaulle started the French nuclear program, pulled France out of NATO, expelled American soldiers from French soil, retired after a failed referendum and died peacefully
>thus started the Franco-German rapprochement, which laid the basis for the EU
>in the 70's, a lack of workforce forced the French government to open its borders for immigration from its former colonies; today, the descendants of the North African immigrants who came to France then represent a large minority of the French population
>France saw the ratification of the Treaty of Maastricht, the adoption of the Euro...
>France refused to take part in the Iraq War under Jacques Chirac, which led to a surge of Francophobia in the US until Obama
>France joined back NATO under president Nicolas Sarkozy, who led the offensive against Libya during the Libyan Civil War
>nowadays, France is still a great power due to its military force and huge economy, but it faces many economic and societal problems that may lead it to become the example of an outdated system in an outdated country
>historically, France was nevertheless one of the most successful countries, if not the most successful country
comunque l'Istria e la Dalmazia sono territori italiani
forgot pic for this one teehee
enjoy France's long history
Eat shit, Pietro.
>be Mycenaeans/Minoans
>collapse
>be a bunch of city states and a few kingdoms in the north
>overthink about stuff
>colonize all the surrounding beaches
>conquer Persia
>be conquered by Romans
>turn into Rome 2.0
>be conquered by Ottomans
>btfo the Ottomans
>try to not pay debts
>pay debts
Didnt read lol
>celtic bois minding their own business, eating seafood and sometimes waging war on the village next door
>bunch of romans come
>entire villages commit suicide rather than being enslaved by the romans
>roman empire collapses
>30k suevians (8k of wich are warriors) take the region
>arabs come
>berber rebellion happens so they leave their positions and Asturias takes the region
>Asturias evolves into Leon
>Leon evolves into Castille & Leon (or castille for short)
>Castille pays Columbus to explore the oceans and finds land overseas wich is claimed by Castille ofc
>[huge blank]
>Napoleon takes Spain causing the loss of most of the overseas colonies
>Spanish rebellion gives back power to an absolutist monarch wich loses even more overseas colonies and is considered the worst monarch of spanish history
>the crysis of 1898 causes spain to lose their last colonies in the Americas
>Spain finally gets democracy in 1977 after half a century under dictatorship
>Global financial crysis of 2009 hits hard and the president raises taxes instead of lowering them, causing economic stagnation up to this day
>Croatians play major part in the Renaissance
lmao what
croatia is a country with no history and no heroic figures
I can't think of one croatian battle commander
>Croatians play major part in the Renaissance
doubt
>we came
>we saw
>we ate burgers
>we kicked ass
>we won
>we went home
Isn't 80% of your history being gangbanged by Sweden and Russia? Also the only notable thing you ever did was a war that lasted a couple months where you shot a few Russians.
Don't change the subject.
How did Croatia play a "major" part in the Renaissance? By sucking off Venetians? Leonardo da Vinci was Croatian?
Most notable historic figures from the Balkans are war criminals or something like that.
>we kicked ass
>we won
>Red Cloud's War
>Russian Civil War
>Nicaragua
>Korea
>Laos
>Vietnam
>Lebanon
>Desert Storm
>Afghanistan
>be German
>be based & redpilled
>others are cringe & bluepilled
>fin
I don't see the part where you're squatting on Italian clay?
Trieste is part of Slovenia. Go kill them.
>Sicilian settlers arrive.
>They build temples and shit.
>They mysteriously disappear.
>Sicilians re-settle the islands.
>Phoenicians arrive, they share with the locals their culture and shit.
>Carthage
>Rome takes over during the 2nd Punic war.
>Lots of time passes, islands convert to Christianity.
>Roman spilt happens, we get passed around a couple of times until the Byzantines take over.
>Time passes, Arabs arrive and take over.
>The faith of the locals is not certain.
>Apparently there's evidence of Jizya being paid so some kind of Christian population was present.
>Anyway, Normans arrive and take over. Sicilian families settle on the islands. Arabs allowed to stay.
>Arabs expelled after an attempted revolt.
>Kingdom of Sicily/Aragon and shiet.
>At some point Hafsids attempt to take Mdina but they give up.
>Islands given to the Order of st. John.
>They start fortifying the barren rock they now call home.
>Ottoman Empire knocks on the door. Attempts to attack Mdina but ends up enslaving most of the Gozitan population instead.
>Great Siege of Malta. Remove Kebab Deus Vult Haqq it-Tork
>Valletta is built
>Malta prospers
>At some point the Ottomans do another attempt at invading but fail
>Napoleon is here. What does he ask for? Water. What does he take? The whole islands.
>Maltese are angry and the French, so they revolt.
>Maltese ask Anglo(wew) for help after they locked the French in Valletta and both sides are starving.
>French given the boot, Anglo stays here even though he was supposed to return us to the Order.
>We British colony now.
>Fast forward to WWI, we're the nurse of the Mediterranean.
>Fast forward to WWII, we're a crater thanks to air raids.
>Whole country awarded the George Cross.
>We start to move towards Independence, and we gain it with no bloodshed.
>We become Republic, and after a couple of years Anglos leave for good.
>Malta is now completely free and ruled by the Maltese.
>be under swe*Dish rule
>be under r*Ssian rule
>become independent
>slay commies and call it civil war
>lose a couple of wars
>make movies and write books about lost wars even 70 years after
>force everyone to sit in sw*Dish classes because of corruption
>act like a western country but in reality be a richer slavic country with slave mentality
>ooga booga
>jag heter neger
>(ruski shit here)
>be independent
>civil war, based and redpilled ones win
>winter war, cringe and bluepilled win
>continuation war, we almost destroy r*ssia but cockroaches never fully die out
>Anglo knowledge of history
>be dacia
>get conquered by romans
>become Dacia Ulpia Traiana
>get conquered by cumans
>become Cumania
>gets conquered by Bulgaria
>become part of Bulgarian Empire
>Bulgarian Empire collapses
>local lords swear fealty to hungayrians
>later they revolt
>become Moldavia and Wallachia while Trans-sylvania remains a voievodate under hungay
>be pretty cool
>ottomans come
>nobles and usurper pretenders fuck over the voievodes over and become ottoman tributaries
>for the next 200 years become gayreek/ottomanboos
>in 1848 a man named Tudor Vladimirescu makes a chimpout that turns into a massive romanian revolt
>gets killed
>romanian desire for independence grows
>crimea war:we win
>gets king named Cuza as ruler over the 2 voievodates
>pro farmer,pro lower class,pro education
>politiciana bribed by big industries fuck him over
>set up prussian ruler named Carol I
>he wins thr voievodates's independence and renames them the Kingdom of Romania
>is still an asshole to the farmers taking their lands giving them to capitalists
>the Horia Cloșca and Crișan peasant revolt starts
>get btfo'd by cannons
>ww1
>Carol dies of Heart disease
>His nephew succeds him
>win ww1 with Entente
>Ferdinand dies
>Carol II becomes ruler
>corruption wise he makes the Clintons look like a fucking joke
>ww2 start
>gives half of territory away
>legionaries (far right extremists) take over
>join the war with axis
>lose ww2
>commies take over
>fast forward to 1989 crypto commies backed by russians make a coup,cover it up as revolution
TLDR a cuck history
>devout religious people land to escape persecution
>mostly trade with the natives in a peaceful way except some raids and wars
>easily defeat the British Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, despite being a ragtag bunch
>create the first free nation in the world
>expand west because God said we should
>free the slaves
>spread the ideals of Freedom all over Europe, ending the oppressive monarchies
>invent airplanes, electricity, radios....etc
>become the greatest economy in the world
>defeat fascists and commies
>be the undisputed superpower, fight for freedom all over the world
>it ain't me starts playing
>live in a marshlands that constantly gets flooded
>genocide the bongs and go live there
>romans arrive
>we become part of the roman empire
>as we murder all tax collectors we don't have to pay taxes
>the batavian tribes are part of the emperors personal guard
>go along with the romans and invade the bongs again
>the romans weaken
>so the franks here decide to start their own empire
>conquer Gaul as the Salian Franks
>Frankish Empire is born
>falls apart into France and the Holy Roman Empire
>after some complex marriage schemes Austria/Spain becomes in charge of our country
>we don't know who they fuck they are so tell them to piss off
>end up in a 80 year war against Spain
>finally independent, the Netherlands is born
>the first modern republic
>lots of philosophers like Spinoza, John Locke and Descartes move here, even Galileo decides to publish his shit here because we're the free country in an oppressive Europe
>spread the enlightenment across Europe
>build a huge merchant fleet
>become the richest country on planet for 250 years
>Dutch companies with the right to wage war colonize New York, Suriname, South Africa, Indonesia, Taiwan and so on
>help the Japanese kick out the other Europeans and become good friends with them. Teach them the way of the west.
>France, the UK and the HRE constantly try to invade us, but they always fail because we're too powerful
>invade the UK and put a Dutch King on their throne
>our fleet and businesses move to Dutch London so they get a massive economic boost
>our golden age kind of ends
>nothing happens for a long time
>then America wants independence, so we supply more than half of their supplies for their war
>get into a war with the British over it, which we lose, but the Americans become independent
>Napoleon invades us and has massive support from the population
>Napoleon turns our republic into a monarchy
>UK invades and steals South Africa while we're occupied
(cont)
>worst elements of anglo society
>thieves, swindlers, etc. etc. (pretty sure murderers and rapists all got executed)
>dumped on an island
>left for 200 or so years
>become a thriving 1st world country whose biggest problem is keeping out everyone else who wants to live here
why have anglos consistently been the best that humanity has to offer?
>after 15 years we defeat Napoleon at Waterloo with the aid of the British and Germans
>because we like how fast decisions were made as a monarchy, we decide to stay a monarchy now Napoleon is gone
>Napoleon united the Netherlands and Belgium, but Belgians can't stand us
>so our united country falls apart again after 15 years
>then nothing happens again for a long time
>in WW1 we were neutral
>in WW2 we were also neutral but the Germans invade us
>after the rape of Nanking we stop supplying oil and rubber to Japan
>so Japan invades Indonesia
>Americans try to liberate us and fail, so the Canadians liberate us
>after we're free to send our army to recolonize Indonesia
>it is kind of working, but Americans get mad at us and threaten to stop paying Marshall funds to us, so we decide to end the war
>decolonize Indonesia and move everyone back to the Netherlands
>start the Benelux, which quickly gets replaced by the EU
>enjoy our new found gas bubble
>import cheap labour, who turn out to be completely shit
That's it.
>after some complex marriage schemes Austria/Spain becomes in charge of our country
>we don't know who they fuck they are so tell them to piss off
Religion played a major role here. The Spanish wanted us to be catholic. And then the protestants here decided to raid all catholic churches and destroy their statues.
So the Spanish send troops here to oppress us.
We had lots of pirates in front of our coast. And one day the English closed the ports to our pirates. So they decided to take a Dutch town for shits and giggles.
When that Dutch town was "liberated" that led to a snowball effect with lots of Dutch cities rebelling against Spain. And that was basically the turning point in our independence war.
So we decided to make our own nation, founded on the principle of freedom of religion. Which led to the enlightenment here.
>Religious extremists escape to new world
>Daddy UK conquers other Euro colonies in the new world, creates mega-colony
>British King hikes taxes to pay for wars with France
>Colonists can no longer afford sugar and tea
>fuckoff.jpg
>Angers colonial rich men so much that they create an underground terrorist organization and plot to fight off the British
>Fight off British with help of France
>WeAreIndependentNShieet
>Almost fall apart 20 years later, states going to war with each other
>Federal government cucks the states and makes them get along
>Start going west because it's our calling from god
>TrailofTears.jpg
>Start settling in Mexican territory
>settlers secede from Mexico
>kick Mexico's ass
>RememberTheAlamo.jpg
>Republicans start winning every election because everybody lives in the North
>South secedes and decides to do things their own way
>South loses
>Prospectors find a shit ton of gold in California
>immigration of California intensifies
>prospectors find gold in Alaska
>Population of Washington and Oregon intensifies because fuck Alaska that shit's too cold
Cont.
You mean Leonard od Vince? Of course he was a Croat, Italian cultural appropriation at its finest.
WE WUZ ARTIZTS N SHEIT
>build huge Navy
>tell Euros to fuck off, New world is ours
>False flag a war with Spen
>win and take Islands from them
>WeAreAnEmpireNShieet
>PanamaCanal.jpg
>force Japan to open trade
>Based hippy gaybear sees the importance of US nature
>Nationalparks.jpg
>Two dutch jews figure out planes
>American Hitler figures out how to Car
>Eurofags start some shit again
>join in at the last moment and win
>Profit from war and get rich as fuck
>Panic sell stocks when it slows down the slightest
>greatdepression.jpg
>Japan bombs pearl harbor
>Waking of Giant intensifies
>twonukesweren'tenough.jpg
>Defeat fash
>Commies take over half of the world
>Fight them in proxy wars
>Itaintme.jpg
>Ihaveadream.jpg
>Defeat commies
>9/11
>people stop going outside and spend all day on the internet
fin
>be chugs
>Suddenly frogs come
>Burgers Down south fight bongistan and win
>Brit loyalists head north
>Brits and frogs hate each other but eventually agree to disagree.
>Enlist chugs. Go to war with burgers down south with British help. Results inconclusive.
>Become actual country 50 years later and build a railroad.
>Patch up relationship with burgers just in time to fight the krauts
>Be the undisputed best soldiers in the world in both world wars
>Join NATO, become an actual real country, give rights to niggers and women because it was trendy.
>Continue to be the best at war even after we don't have as much men or hardware as we used to before the Berlin Wall fell.
>Elect Castro's illigitimate son
>He runs the country into the ground
>Eat Kraft dinner
And there you have it. The abridged version of the history of Canada. Are there any questions?
>abel tasman sees nz and names it but never sits foot
>a while later captain cook comes in the 19th century and lands
>white boys start immigrating
>no big movement against the maori but the occasional clash over land, lots of trading between whites and maori (guns for fabrics etc)
>in 1840 a treaty in signed that had a shitty maori translation which meant they were signing away more than they thought they were which leads to disputes to this very day
I think he was reffering to the court thinkers and theologists in the15th century that've helped construct the Biblioteca Corviniana in the 15th century, thus spreading the renaissance outside of Italy for the first time. Many of these people were Croatian by nationality/ethnicity.
Magnifique
>Shit in the woods
>Get beaten by Romans
>"Fuck Rome!"
>Europe falls into Chaos
>Rome collapses
>Pope opresses especially Germans
>"Fuck the pope!"
>Church splits
>Europe falls into Chaos
>France is... bad in some way i guess
>"Fuck France!"
>Gain some land
>Europe blooms
>"Fuck France even more!"
>loose far more land
>Europe falls into chaos
>"Fuck this chaos!"
>Cause even more chaos
>loose large parts of your legit historical territory
>Pretty much fucked.
PLOT TWIST
>be rebuilt by America
>better off than most other nations now
Wew, that was a close call.
?
Tell us your history comrade, I know barely anything about pre-napoleonic wars russia
JELLY CUZ HE AINT US
>english boat brings convicts
>do up a nice little cunt, dislodge the filthy retard indigenous population
>suck UK dick for a while
>ww1 and 2 happen, doesn't really mean shit to us geopolitically but teh commonwealth calls
>start selling raw materials to china
>start importing mass white folk from EU shitholes in the 40s-70s (balkans, italians etc etc) to keep up with increasing ching chong demand
>eat meat pies and smoke gatorade bongs packed with shit weed all day
>Oga Boga
>Oga Allahu Boga Akbar
>Oil
>Ayyyyyyrab moneyyy youtube.com
>The Netherlands is born
>inspire the UK, France, USA, Japan, Russia to greatness
>everyone who doesn't follow our example plunges into darkness
>[huge blank]
U wot m8
>Be Ireland
>Kick the vikings out
>One king fucks everything up by inviting the Normans to help him gain more power
>Normans now basically rule Ireland
>They culturally assimilate "more Irish then Irish
>English influence in Ireland is now weak
>Protestant reformation hits
>fucks everything up
>Ireland refuses to convert to it
>get dabbed on by England with the penal laws and cromwell
>Rebel every century
>Ulster was the worst for assimilation so they planted mainly Scottish protestants in it
>United irishmen rebellion consists of protestants like wolftone and ulster is worst hit by the British army
>UK makes makes us one with them after this one
>Famine
>people die
>20th century Ireland is happy with the status que
>some shitty home rule party that wants the rights to build roads
>Because ulster had so many scots in it now it was very pro union
>Ulster chimps out at this with the Ulster Covenant
>WW1 happens
>Leader of the home rule party tells irishmen to fight in it for home rule
>Same for the leader of the anit-home rule Edward Carson (Isn't even from ulster is from Dublin)
>some lads rise up on easter for a laugh in 1916
>they all get executed
>Irish people start to sympathise with them
>Sinn Féin (Ourselves in Irish) has the blame put on them for the rebellion
>become the biggest party in Ireland
>set up own government
>have a ""war"" for independence
>get Independence
>6 counties still with UK
>civil rights start in the 6 as Catholics are discriminated against
>Some Catholics were shot at in some protest or something
>Catholic paramilitary groups and protestant military groups go at it
>British military are called in
>more violence
>concludes with good Friday agreement
not gonna lie i have very little idea what am talking about
>get unified as a nation in 1871
>proceed to do nothing wrong for the next 150 years
im not autistic enough to type the whole thing including marriage of castille & aragon and spanish seccession crysis
>Serbshits march into Croatia completely uninvited as part of bullshit Greater Serbia project
That's a very simplistic point of view. Makes people think it's like Poland invading Italy or something.
>Gentlemen, we have successfully located the arctic asshole of the world! Let's settle down!
>So I hear there's, like, shit going on in the rest of the world
>Eh
>Hmm
>Gudrun chisel boat
>Oh right, Rome collapsed 500 years ago
>Let's finally move out of this frozen hellhole, what were we thinking
>Whoa hold on, people got pissed we raided them?
>Best unite with Denmark and Norway so we can be strong and nothing bad will ever happen
>OW, RIGHT IN THE NOBLES
>FUCK YOU, DENMARK
>FUCK YOU, NORWAY
>FUCK YOU, POLAND
>FUCK YOU, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE, seriously my nobles still hurt
>FUCK YOU, RUSSIAAAAAAARGH
>Bernadotte help us
>What, just sit around like a useless faggot? Can do!
>Hi, Napoleon! Bye, Napoleon!
>Hi, Stalin! Bye, Stalin!
>Hi, Hitler! Bye, Hitler!
>Fucking dosh everywhere, let's buy everyone a house and a car
>Fuck yes even more rich let's bring social democracy to an even more unreasonable extent
>Retell history through video games greatly infalting Sweden's actual power
>ooga booga
>1100 years later
>ooga booga
worst summary of our history I ever saw. I want to hurt you
>we based
kys faggot