Tell a joke from your country

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas.

Swedish man named Bellman was with a Finnish man and a Lapp(Sami) man in the Swedish mountains. They came to a mountain lake where they found a row boat that they could use to cross the lake. There was just one problem. The boat could only take one person at a time.

What do?

Bellman put the Finn on his nose and the Lapp on his pants and rowed over the lake.

That is because Finne can also mean pimple in Swedish and Lapp can also mean patch in Swedish.

Bellman had been alone all that time.

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- Comrade Dyatlov, it fucked up
- Should not

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Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

Classic

>Russian humor

>not from my cunt but I wanna tell it anyway

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

Why did the swede take a shit with the door open?

Because he didn't want anyone to look through the keyhole

>a reindeer walks into home
>wife asks man to remove reindeer
>man answers "what reindeer"
>wife points to reindeer
>"I see no reindeer"
>wife panics
>the village elder is called
>he enters tent
>"do you see the reindeer" my wife ask
>elder says no
>I say no
>wife runs out screaming and jumps in river
>elder says "that was bad but, why did you ask me to lie?"
>she refused to bathe more than once a week and I wanted to have sex tonight

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lmao

Fucking snownigger samis...

Be nice to him you jerk

>t. snownigger

kys

Stop being rude

buzzfeed.com/piekhe/all-too-true-jokes-about-france

Silly Americans hahaha

Did you hear Canada is sending their own spaceship to the moon? They’re calling it the Apollo-G.

Once Russian owner of Disneyland and American meet each other. They decided to compare who has the most terrible room of fear.
Russian comes to the American Disneyland: mummies there, all kinds of skeletons - in general, everything is as usual.
An American comes into Russian Disneyland: a long corridor without light, goes, goes, an American is already scared, for a long time. Saw the light. Goes further, sees a Georgian sitting with a candle.
Georgian asks American :
- you washed ass?
- washed

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Father fucks his son and says: "You see how bad that mother died."

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Just ignore the fool. Some Swedes hate the Sami for no reason.

Fucking mongoloid, i have lost

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lmao

Two Hungarians get to Bucharest. Since they're both starving and none of them has any money, one says:
- Let's break up and beg, and we'll come back here at the end of the day to see how much we've made!
They part ways, and meet up as planned, several hours later, in the evening.
- How much have you made?
- 10 lei...
- What did you do?
- I went to the park and told people I have no money, nor any job. How about you?
- 7.658 de lei.
- But how?
- I told everyone I need 1 more leu to go back to Hungary

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Conversation between an employee and his boss, both portuguese:
-Boss, our file storage is too full! Can I throw away those that are older than 10 years?
-Yes, but make copies of them first!

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kek based

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into the bar. The first is ordering one beer, the second is ordering half, the third a quarter, the fourth one eighth ... The bartender can not stand: - I know you, faggots, you have two glasses for everyone!

>there are still people that will complain about german humour

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...

even if you wash the nigger your soap you are wasting

German Humour
>I heard a joke today
>Oh that's funny
>It was

An infinite number of passagers walks into bus.

Can't even think of a joke.

ok ok dude I got one

What's your occupation?
Magician.
Magician?
Yes, I'm cutting up girls.
Do you have siblings, too?
Yes, two half-sisters.

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There's a woman dying to sleep with an american. She goes to a bar, has a few drinks, finds an american, brings him home, takes off her clothes, spreads her legs and says "Alright pal, do what you do best!" So he sharts himself and gets shot.

I saw a german films once with kinda same plot

There was a once a negrump called Tyrel. He loved shooting hoops like noone else. But one day his friend, Deshaune, ran up on him with a gun. Now Tyrel dead and gone.

actually keked

A pair of Irishmen spotted a dog liking his privates while walking down the street.
"I wish I could do that." one remarked
"I think he'd bite ya." replied the other.

kek

Jokes are based on something unexpected happening, mr spain.

okay what about this one:

a russian, an american, and a canadian walk into a bar

bartender says: i will give you drinks for free, but only if you answer what's 2+2

russian says: it's clearly 4

canadian says: it's clearly 4

american says: I dont know, I'm retarded brainwashed fucking faggot son of whore white male I wish mom aborted me so there was one less american white male in this world retarded whoreson

bartender pulls out shotgun and shoots dumb american in face

Russian passes throught the bar

Fancy jazz bar holds a competition for the best performer who will be hired. A crowd of musicians and among them there is black oldman.
He turns out and says:
- This song is called "I'll jerk off on you all night!"
He plays a delightful blues, after which half of the musicians immediately gather and leave, others just cry with delight!
Old Negro says:
- And my next song is called "Suck me, bitch, until I finish!"
And plays the blues even steeper from which the remaining musicians unanimously refuse to participate in the competition.
Facility owner says
- We hire you, but could you not name your songs lite that, they are a little ... well ... shocking.
Negro agrees.
There is a regular concert, the negro forgot to zip up, and he has a cock sticking out of his pants. He sits at the piano, plays. The owner of the institution notices this mistake, approaches him, says:
- Your cock is visible, you know?
Negro:
- What? Do I know it? I wrote it!

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Israel is our greatest ally

That is pretty good

Natasha Rostova once invited a regiment of hussars to visit her.
Colonel of Hussars says:
“Gentlemen Hussars, the hostess is a sophisticated lady, therefore, I ask you not to express with vulgar words and vulgarities at the guests!”
The evening, everyone is sitting at the table, oppressive silence hangs . Natasha is trying to talk guests:
- Gentlemen, imagine how embarrassing! I ordered candles for tonight, I put them in the chandelier, in all the candlesticks - and one extra stayed! Where to insert it - I'll never know ...
Here the colonel jumps up from his seat:
- GENTLEMEN HUSSARS, NO WORD ABOUT PIZDA !!!

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So Stalin, Churchill and Tito are flying in a plane, right? So Stalin puts his hand out through the window and goes "Comrades, we're above the Soviet State now", and the other two go "how do you know" and Stalin replies "because I just touched the tip of Kremlin" and the other two go like "wow, good job". After a while, Churchill puts his hand through the window and says "Lads, we're above England right now" and the other two go like "how do you know" and Churchill replies "because I just touched the tip of Big Ben" and the othet two go like "wow, good job man". And after a while, Tito puts his hand through the window and goes "Friends, we're above Yugoslagia right now", and the other two go like "wow, how did you know", and Tito replies "because someone just stole my wristwatch".

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bellman and his friend was sleeping away from home, and bellman had forgot his blanket
"can i borrow your blanket" says bellman to his friend
"yes you can but it has a hole in it" says his friend
"i'll shit in that"(i dont give a shit) says bellman
"THEN YOU CANT BORROW THE BLANKET" says his friend
he thought bellman was gonna poop in the hole LOL

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>I'm not french but for some reason it randomly makes me post as one

There's this guy who has a huge penis, normally it would be nice but this guy was like really big, he couldn't function like that.
His love life is a disaster for this reason, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem, the doctor goes "I see, actually yours is quite a problem, your penis is around 50cm in flaccid phase so getting an erection must be almost impossible. There's only one safe solution to that, what you have to do is to climb a mountain, go meet the local mountain gnome and ask him if he wants to have sex with you"
The patient goes "b-but this is unthinkable, aren't you a professional?! Besides, I don't want to have sex with a gnome!"
To which the doctor replies "trust me I've seen it work, it's much easier and safer than an operation, also the gnome will undoubtedly respond in a negative way, and every time he will say no your penis will lose 10cm"
The a day later the guy actually goes to the mountain since he hadn't much choice, he climbs it, and finds the mountain gnome. He approaches him and asks him politely "would you like to have sex with me?" and as predicted by the doctor the gnome responds "no" , so the guy goes behind a bush to check his penis out and to his surprise it shrunk to be 40 cm.
Thinking it wasn't enough the guy returns to the gnome and asks him "do you want to have sex with me?"
The gnome kinda annoyed says "no".
The guy checks his penis which is now 30cm long. He asks again "would you like to have sex with me?"
The gnome who was deep into his routine work before that freak showed up starts to get visibly much more annoyed and he resposds "what's the deal with you? I said NO!"
Our protagonists once again checks out his penis witnessing as it shrunk to be now 20cm. He goes one last time "hey gnome, would you like to have sex with me?"
The gnome goes "NO, NO and NO!"

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did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and nova scotia?
The Newfies threw grenades at them and the nova scotians pulled the pins and threw them back

A Jew joins the Bolsheviks. They give him 2000 leaflets to give away on the streets.
He comes back a few hours later:
"Alright, it was difficult, but I've sold them all"

A guy was walking through the woods when he sees a gypsy hanging from a tree by a rope tied around his waist.
"What the hell are you doing, gypsy?"
"Life's too hard, I hanged myself."
"But you're supposed to tie the rope around your neck!"
"I've tried man but I keep choking."

>my country
get it?
that's the joke
like im implying my country is the joke

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advanced humour

Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes to the officers' meeting:
- Gentlemen! What's going on our streets! Where Russia is heading! A little girl just came up to me on the street and said: "Uncle, give me a penny - and I want to do something!" Lord I cried! Fucked and cried!

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A Dane, a Swede and a Finn see a pig. The Dane thinks "I wonder could i eat it". The Swede thinks "I wonder could I fuck it". Finn thinks "I wonder what that pig thinks of me".

not canadian but still country related
Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Lieutenant Rzhevsky enters the officers' meeting:
- Gentlemen! It seems that among us there are homosexuals!
- Have mercy, Lieutenant, where did you get ?!
- I have just sucked Colonel`s cock, and it - forgive me, sir! - Smells like a shit!

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kek

A couple of Serbians get a gypsy and his son and tell him "if you can swim from here to the other side of the river, you'll become a Serb". So the father gypsy starts swimming across the river, struggles a bit, but gets to the shore and instantly becomes a Serb. After him, his son gets into the water, but the river is too strong for him, he yells "dad, help me" and his fathet replies "fuck off, stupid gypsy".

Abdul wants to marry a Romanian girl but her mother doesn't approve of it and tries to convince him to reconsider.
"Abdul, if you want to marry my daughter, you have to buy her a Lamborghini."
"Abdul loves your daughter, Abdul buys Lamborghini."
The next day, Abdul throws the keys to a Lamborghini on the table.
"Abdul, if you want to marry my daughter, you gotta have 3 villas on the seaside"
"Abdul loves your daughter, Abdul buys villas."
The next day, Abdul throws the keys to each villa on the table.
"Abdul, if you want to marry my daughter, you gotta have a 30 centimeters penis."
"Abdul loves your daughter, Abdul cuts down 20 centimeters."

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Eduard Limonov was invited to a television interview.
"These journalists are insidious scum," Limonov thinks. "They will surely ask provocative questions about what I sucked at the Negro`s dick. We need to figure out what to answer."
Lemons standing in front of the mirror and rehearsing:
"Is it true that you sucked a negro`s dick - Well sucked and sucked whatever .. No, this will not work ...?"
"Is it true that you sucked a negro`s dick - No, really, it's in my book was a fiction .. And this is a bad response ...!"
"Is it true that you sucked a negro`s dick - Questions you have are stupid, lets be on the topic or we finish the interview!" - "That`s it! I will answerjust like that!" - decided Limonov and went to the interview.
The interview begins and the journalist asks the first question:
- Eduard Veniaminovich, is it true that you are a Nazi and a racist?
- Am I a racist? I sucked nigger`s penis!

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Cyкa пpoигpaл

Frf

heard this joke about albanians

>Secretary holding a bunch of papers entered Belarus presidents office and asked; Should I give these a read?

Sihteeri tuli Valko-Venäjän presidentin toimistoon paperinippu käsissään, saapuessaan kysyi; Lukasenko?

A Tyrolean walks around his mountains until he comes to a poisoned lake. While resting, he sees a guy on the other side, clearly intentioned to drink. He gets up, starts waving, and screams
>Don't drink, it's poisoned!
but the guy on the other side does not hear him, and waves back. So he starts running, and waving, and screaming.
>Don't drink! Fuck, don't drink, you'll die!
But the other guy still doesn't seem to hear him, and looks puzzled.
Finally, he comes close enough, and he screams to stop as the guy was about to drink. The guy looks up, and asks
>Mi scusi?
>Oh, drink slowly, it's cold

A Belgian is going from Paris to Lyon by car when he sees a female hitchhiker in a skirt and takes her in. She keeps teasing her on the way, when they arrive near Lyon the Belgian touches her leg while switching gear, the girl looks at him with a playful smile and says "you can go further you know", then the Belgian keeps driving to Marseille.

A father and his young son have to take a taxi to go home late at night, however, the driver takes them through seedy roads so there's a lot of whores at the sides. The kid takes notice and asks his father:
>Dad, what are those women doing?
-They are waiting for the bus, son
>But why are they wearing so little clothes?
-That's because they work as models and they didn't have time to change
>And they don't get cold at night?

At that moment the taxi driver turns around annoyed and says:
-Listen kid, those women are whores, and what they do is have sex with men for money.

There's a tense silence in the car. After a few minutes, the kid speaks again:
>But dad, if those women have so much sex does that mean they have lots of children?
-Of course son, where do you think taxi drivers come from?

How do they separate the men from the boys in Iowa?
With a restraining order.

Why is there shit on every entrance of a store in Belgium?
Because it is written push.

Europe.

What do you call a brawl inside a concentration camp?

Star Wars.

An irish man walks out of a bar.

Two crocodiles flying
One green
Other one to Africa

kek we got the exact same joke but with hungarians

In french jump can mean explode

There's mohamed, aboubakar and issa on the top of a building. Who jumps first?

The building

There is a building on fire in Bruxelles, a women and her baby are stuck on the 7th floor, the fire brigade is beneath with a small life net

>Ma'am drop the baby we'll catch him!
-No! You could miss it!
>Ma'am please, you'll never come out of here alive otherwise!
-No! I want Belgium National Team's goalkeeper to catch my baby!
>But ma'am we can't! We don't have time!

Luckily a passerby comes and says he saw the goalkeeper 5min away from here, so the fire brigade goes and get him, then come back to the building that's on fire, the goalkeeper says :

>Ma'am, here I am.
-Are you Belgium National Team's goalkeeper?
>Yes Ma'am that's me, you can drop the baby now.

So the women drops her baby, the goalkeeper does a splendid jump, catches the baby with one hand and puts his left hand back on it to protect him from the fall. Then the goalkeeper gets up, runs 5 meters and kicks the ball back on the field.

What do you call a Japanese car mechanic?
Hayoshiko Toyotashi
>joke is "did your Toyota break"
Who is the most famous Japanese porn star?
Natisuta Hetekata
>joke is "squeaking bed brand"
Famous Japanese fighter?
Yokohama Humahuta
>joke is "about time to smack you"

Heh

Heh. A classic.

How do you stop a group of niggers from raping a white woman? You throw em a basketball!

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What is the difference between nigger and squirrel overrun by car?
Brake marks in front of squirrel

My life

>what is the tallest Sami named?
>Enok Nitti (pronounced the same as 1.90)

>what's his wife, the shortest Sami, named?
>Sirkka Nitti (pronounced ca 90)

>what's Finland's worst gardener named?
>Maski Hallonen (worms in the raspberries)
alt. version:
>what's Finland's worst berrypicker named?
>Inga Hallonen (no raspberries)

>what's Norway's worst skier named?
>Inge Glid (no slide)

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What runs along the wall and kills Jews?
A gas pipe.

Bali and Balo are on a boat
Bali falls, who stays
Balo

Well, because they are snowniggers.

id give this a 7/10.

its actually 5 by the by

fucking died. sides in orbit.

lol