My dad was an angry miserable bastard which was probably the cause of my severe anxiety. I moved school at 8 years old and then was severely bullied (kicked punched and spat on) for the next two years. I guess this cemented my idea of low self esteem. Then In high school, I guess Everything was a bit better but I didn't talk to anyone because I assumed they all hated me. As a result I failed to learn any social skills and my anxiety turned into depression. At this stage I just assumed the depression was just my personality. Because I didn't talk to anyone people kept their distance. I was viewed as a freak. Which I internalised. I still struggle to talk to anyone unless I drink. I only have two friends and I only have them because I drink with them and can relax a little(Thank god for alcohol). I managed to get a degree but due to low self esteem it all seemed pointless. Upon graduation I became suicidal. I felt destined for failure my entire life so I fully believed it. I Travelled China for 6 months by myself which was great as I could put my suicide on hiatus. I got back home and almost tried to kill myself two weeks later (hanging myself from a tree in the woods) but I couldn't climb to the branch I wanted to hang from. Turns out I'm too much of a coward to kill myself anyway. At work I'm very quiet and reserved, co-workers get offended when I don't talk much and interpret it as a dislike of them and a personal attack. After a few weeks they all start to hate me because I'm like a ghost to them and make them uncomfortable. I work hard so my boss/manager will often give me the benefit of the doubt for a while. This has only lasted a year at most though. I've been in and out of employment for years purely due to poor social skills. No girl for obvious reasons. I'm doing women a favour by not even attempting to date them. Its for the best I feel.
Oh, and no I'm not "okay" with this life. But I seem incapable of changing it. Anxiety is a bitch.
