Alrighty boys. Let me lay out the situation

Hence it is poorly maintained. And you're a moron for thinking that you can magically 'rejuvenate' it. Your hair is dead, it's not going to get any better. Get it cut, it looks terrible.

What?

Yeah, no I actually didn't notice that either. What?

Stop using shampoo and conditioner. Buy a board hair brush from Kent. Coconut oil, leave it in all day, use the smallest bit of shampoo to wash it out. When you're in the shower, put some coconut oil on the ends and brush the tangles out from the bottom up with a wide tooth comb. Don't wash your hair more than thrice a month. Use boars brush every day to brush multiple times a day from tip to tAil. Report back in six months when mane is beautiful. Also trim ends.

I'll look into this. Assuming this is actual advice, thank you for the advice.

Meh. You look dumb with your current hair. Need to unfuck it.

You look like an angry fat chick.

Then explain your shitty hair? You do realize that being as big as you are with that hair, you look like a huge fucking creeper to girls right? Cut that hair