I'm in my very early thirties and in a great position to be a parent. Good job, solid support group, great relationship...

I'm in my very early thirties and in a great position to be a parent. Good job, solid support group, great relationship.

I've been with my partner for three years and we've known each other for several. We have a very healthy relationship where we're quite open about what we want, and have recently discussed several grown up things such as buying a house, getting married etc.

We don't have any specific dates for any of the above, but ideally I'd like us to get married, buy a home and then have a family. I'm well aware it doesn't always work like this, but it's definitely a preference.

Partner is just as keen on the above, but reluctant to go into dates. I think this is just due to his general demeanour, not reluctance to do them.

I'm worried that we're risking leaving things too late by taking our time and ambling along. I have friends who are on their second and third child and although I appreciate that everybody moves at their own pace, I really don't want to experience issues when it comes to finally trying for a baby.

How can I have this conversation with my partner? He seems to be of the opinion that we've discussed them, we both want them so what's the rush?

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to hurry things along?

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Don't talk about having babies if you have several steps in the middle. Start with step one and go from there. Don't try to build a timetable for every single event.

Just get married first. If you two can't manage to set up a wedding, then I wouldn't trust you with a baby.

Just have a honest conversation about this.

While I agree that there's no rush to get married and get a house, the risk for your health and your children health grows exponentially every year after 30.

By the time you're 35:
>You have 1 in 5 chances of having trouble conceiving
>Your pregnancy will be more dangerous for your body
>Your child is at a much greater risk for chromosomal abnormalities
>Your child is more at risk for autism and developmental diseases

If you want to get married, buy a house and have children then and you're in your early 30s already, you kinda do need to rush.

Have a honest discussion about this with him, if he's not extremely stupid he'll get it.

I don't think marriage is a requirement for having a child, I just know it will be easier to arrange and justify a small wedding prior to having a baby.

I feel like I'm waiting for him to propose to me before we can even take the first step towards these other, more important things. I would ask him to marry me but he has specifically stated he doesn't want to do that, he wants to make it special.

I'm not so worried about rushing through the marriage or the house buying, or even trying for a baby if I'm honest. It's just that the baby thing is time reliant where as the other two aren't. Only in our plan, the baby comes last. You see the problem.

I don't really want to be married, with a gorgeous house but struggling to have a baby with the person I love because we took out time.

I just can't work out how to word this without sounding unreasonable or like I'm rushing life.

Thank you.

It's the pressure aspect I'm worried about. I would love to take five years out to have loads of fun, travel, do silly things and then think about settling down, but I simply don't have time to do this.

I also don't want him to feel like he has to rush through things just to appease me, as it's something we both have to want equally. We've discussed it so many times and it's clear what our plan is, I'm just worried about the unclear time frames. Buying a house is "some time in the next year", marriage is some unspecified but going to happen time. So as the baby thing comes after all that, I have idea what time frame we're working with.

My mother had me at 37 and she nearly died in childbirth. I don't want to risk anything so the earlier the better. We also want at least two children, which complicates it even more.

>You see the problem.

The problem is pretty clear. I don't think you find yourself an equal partner in this relationship. Maybe because you don't give yourself that place, or maybe because he doesn't give that place to you. I don't know.

All I know is that you want to stick to a plan you don't believe in, that you are doing things on his timetable instead of allowing yourself to modify it, and that this tension has finally built up enough that it's bothering you.

What do you want? Make up your mind and say what is it that you want. Do you want a baby right now or not?

Those are very reasonable concerns, Anonette.

Talk to him. Go for something like:
>"I'm feeling really anxious about the future lately. I don't want to pressure you, I don't feel any need to rush into a marriage or owning a house, but since we both want to have children and it is important for my health and their health that I have them before turning 35, I would like to know if you have a time frame in mind. You know that my mother had trouble when she gave birth to me, too, so I'm even more concerned about it. I don't want to make you feel bad about anything, or force you to rush. Can we work things out and have a plan in mind? It'd really help me stress less"

Thank you.

This is the thing - I could happily have a baby and would love to have children with him, but I'm not desperate for it. I am keen on getting some kind of plan in place as I'm well aware of how long the other two things take to arrange and complete. I'm not baby crazy right now, but I accept that we're in a great position to have children.

I do agree with you, my choices are very much influenced by the fear of the choice being taken away from me due to my age.

He's just really relaxed about everything, he doesn't see the same time limit as I do and I think he's under the impression that marriage and house buying won't take too long, then we can crack on with the baby making after this. Which is fine...but if step one hasn't even been taken, we're currently waiting to start the process.

I know I sound unreasonable here. I just wish biology didn't play such a big part in having babies.

I'll try this, thank you.

I think he's quite bored of discussing it though because in his mind, we've agreed that we both want it and all those things are going to happen "in the next few years". Which would be great...but none of those things are going to happen without us both actively aiming for them.

he doesnt want children (from you at least)
you are 30+, its perfectly fine to say
>baby i want to knock you up in a few years

how do i know, friend was pretending years in his marriage before he finally divorced, wife wanted children, he didnt, lies ensued

>but I'm not desperate for it
>I'm not baby crazy right now,

Wanting to have a child doesn't make you baby crazy. Don't feel like you have to paint your own goals as something weird. Do you want kids? That's fine. Don't feel bad about wanting kids.

I just have a question, though, something that came up. Are you guys living together? Because even if the house and marriage thing can happen after the baby, you kinda should have a place for the two of you if you want to add a third.

He is very clear about the fact he wants to have a baby with me. Read my posts. He is not the kind of man who would plicate me.

The issue isn't that we're not on the same wave length when it comes to future things, it's just that he is very laid back and accepting it will happen in the near future, where as I'm a bit more anxious about actual time frames.

I don't feel bad about it, I just wanted to explain that this is a practical decision more than a "omg I'm 30 and need a baby NOW" decision.

Yes, we've been living together for two years. Our current home would be perfect for a young child as we have a spare bedroom and some outside space, but we really want to get on the housing ladder before children, just because of how much childcare costs affect your mortgage and income. Neither of us have family closeby so we would somewhat rely on proper childcare.

you are charmed, the guy is a hack, you have been warned
g'day mam

>uses words like mam
>thinks his advice is valid

I'm not asking for judgments on my relationship, which are purely anecdotal on your side from your own experiences with one of your friends. I'm struggling to understand how you've come to the conclusion that my partner doesn't want children with me with the limited information available. Of course you could be right, but I don't get what has given that impression.

I'm asking for ways I can approach this subject with my partner, preferably from people who have dealt with something similar.

There's never going to be a perfect time to have a kid. There will always be reasons to push it back.

I sincerely doubt he wants to have kids. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I do. As I said, I don't think you are an equal partner in this relatioship, I wouldn't put it past him to just wait and hope you drop the issue.

That's why you should make a stand for what you want. Make sure he is the right guy for you. Sorry, really. But promises are easy to make. Just saying it doesn't mean he is committed. His actions point towards the opposite. Stand up for yourself.

then ask him, dont need a thread for that, isnt that the most natural thing in a relationship? be straightforward, it worked for me

Out of interest, what would suggest he actually wants children with me? Should he be agreeing to start immediately the moment I suggest I'm worried about the delay?

It's not really something I have much experience of, as I haven't wanted children with anybody else. I assumed his reaction was normal, expressing that he wants to have children and it will happen in the near future, but wanting to get other things sorted before that.

Normie boomer

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her imagination and her ego being sure she choosed the right person

Remember the Oddesy? How the wife of the main character kept promising that she would marry someone when she finished knitting a carpet or something, but every night she just undid half the work she did during the day, hoping her husband would come back before she had to actually make good on her promise?

That's how this feels.

>"Sure babe, we will have kids. But first, we need a house. And let's get married. But yeah, I don't know when we will do it. Oh, you want to marry? No, it should be special, let's not rush this. I'm not gonna propose, but it should be special. Etc. Etc."

See my point? He is making up hurdles and then doesn't make an effort to bring them down. I don't know what you should do. Maybe marrying, starting to do the things on the list would be best. Maybe throwing the list away and making babies the next goal would be best. I don't know.

But you can't keep twiddling your thumbs like this. Well, you can, but don't be surprised if he is just playing you and you find out too late.

Sorry, I think you misunderstand, I'm the main pusher of making sure everything else is in place. Although I understand what you're saying here.

>I'm the main pusher of making sure everything else is in place

Then make up your mind and push for what you really want. Be it a wedding, kids, whatever, push to get it.

Now you're making me doubt myself. With this kind of stalling from him, maybe I just need to accept he doesn't want it?

Maybe, yeah. I do think it will be easier to end up such a long relationship once you confirm he doesn't want to do it, though. Once you've given him an ultimatum and he shows his true colors. Maybe he will surprise me and he did actually mean it.

But it's your relationship, not mine. So do what you think is best.

hello OP, there is no good time to have a baby. ever. you have to treat the decision like a little kid treats candy. if you want to be a parent, get going now.
t. a dad

>early thirties
he doesn't marry you because he's convinced he'll find someone better.

early thirties and want to start a family you better get moving and this guy isn't the one

I don't think it's that. I don't think he would be looking to buy a house with me if he didn't see a considerable future with me.