I’m been with my bpd girlfriend since may...

I’m pretty sure everyone who posts on Jow Forums has some kind of mental disorder.

You are a bit naive or worse completely out of touch with reality

>Her anger has pushed me to become the hot headed motherfucker iwas back in high school (im 28 now). When she gets angry, i get defensive and get angry too. I start going into a mode where i cant stop saying mean and hurtful things

These are not the actions of a well adjusted 28 year old. You got issues man and I’m not saying that to insult you just so that you know the truth and can get some help. Whatever you do I would say continuing this relationship in the current states you guys are in will only lead to despair

>But i guess im in denial
Yeah, you are. Big time.

Not sure if you read one of my previous posts, i was in a 3 year relationship before her. The girl before her, we rarely fought, we understood each other, we knew when to back off when someeone was upset. we had a falling out because our future goals were not aligned with each other.

With this girl, shes soo fucking smart, we like alot of the same things, and have the same dead-on sense of humor. And she has big dreams like me.

Lol you right. I only come on here when i want anonymity though. Also, when people

Post on here, theyre unfiltered. I need honest, direct feedback

>since may

Sweet summer child, try 4 years with a bpd girl who then sleeps with your best friend just as you were getting ready to make the leap into proposing to her

Then you will know true horror

Fuck dude. Thats scary as shit. Im sorry that happened man.

Curious though, how did yall last so long? Its been 4 months like you pointed out but man it has been a whirlwind of a relationship.

Any tips on how to deal with her?

I probably want to include shes bipolar, has adhd, and back problems. The meds she mixes together cant be fucking good for her body or her mental state. How do i get her to see her psych more often?

One of my buddies has bpd and hes bipolar but ive never seen him lose his shit like ive seen her.. hes been disgnosed for 5 years now. Does it j take time?

>Any tips on how to deal with her?
Yes. BREAK. THE. FUCK. UP. You are in some really serious, really deeply embedded denial if you think that "with time" both of you are going to just get over your deeply seated psychiatric issues and learn how to be in a healthy relationship. Neither of you would know what a healthy relationship looked like if it took its cock out and slapped you with it. You two can barely manage your own emotions, much less look after each other's. Neither of you have any business being in a relationship. You both need to focus on yourselves and face your own shit in order to heal and none of that is possible while you insist on dancing around in this codependent relationship and perpetuating the delusion that you can fix it.

Ceaseless unending patience and a willingness to spend more time with her than anyone else combined

For 4 years. And then she cheats on me. I want to die.

Geez man im so sorry. You can make it thru this

Learn from your mistakes. You made a shit investment with a woman that you knew from the beginning wasn't healthy or sane. The first step to getting over this is realizing how and why you fucked up.

She was my first relationship, first kiss and everything. It wasn't until about a year in that I started noticing big red flags. I attribute a lot of my willingness to stay to not having anything to compare it to

Ive been told by people shes grown up with whom ive known thst im the best guy for her. That i can balance her. That im “nice” and “super patient”. So i want to believe i can help balance her in our relationship and help her cope with her condition.

However, What this guy said is true. Ive never been so angry in arguments in a relationship as i have with her. Ive also experienced my first panic attack a little over a month ago. Ive had 2 panic attacks already. Ive been pretty level-headed for years up until this point

Is she in therapy? BPD isn't that bad if the person is self aware and working on themselves with a professional.

I'd sit her down and talk. Ask her how much the relationship means to her and what she will be willing to do to save it. Also tell her what you are willing to do as well.

You also need someone to talk to.

>i want to believe i can help balance her in our relationship and help her cope with her condition.
You really are a delusional twat.

What were the red flags? Has she always been diagnosed or did she become disgnosed later in the relationship?

My gfs only been disgnosed for a year and a half. Shes told me before thst shes always felt as if she was “too sensitive.”

I want to believe theres a fucking way to help her out.

She is but she has a hard time going. Since shes a college student and has adhd, she takes vyvanse to help her focus on her studies. Shell be awake for 24 hrs straight and sleep for 12-16 hours straight. Im concerned for her.

When i tell her she should go and see her psych/ doctor, she flips put and says “dont you already think i know that!!”

Id get defensive when i get yelled out. Then id say “of course i know you have! But i dont see you taking affirmative action to take care of yourself”

Then thats when the arguments happen.

I know theres a better way to lay down a solution for her with a better choice of words however, it gets frustrating when i can almost “predict our arguments” and its so uncomfortable to be walking on eggshells with my choice of words.

I went on a trip to Australia almost a year after we started dating and she freaked the fuck out. Even though she'd known about it for like 4 months she acted as though I only told her the day before I left. She just could not understand why I was "treating her differently" (read: giving her less attention). 'Just' cause I was on the other side of the planet on a totally different schedule. She sent me a little letter to open for each day I was there. 30 little letters. I guess to make sure in her mind that I was still thinking about her cause people with BPD are unable to grasp the idea of emotional object permanency.

Thanks bud. Someones called her delusional in her first relationship and she realized she was. Shes told me thst before and im starting to think i am too. Tf

You really, really are. You both are deeply delusional.

I see. What confuses me is thst she shows most of the signs of BPD but she doesnt “miss” me or feel like i abandon her. She has told me that ive shown her i dont care.

I deal with problems by dropping the problem, distracting myself by doing something else (working out, playing overwatch, read books) then coming back to the problem when im calm and can think without being frustrated. She feels like i dont show her sttention by not tending to the problem or situation right away. Is this “a sense of abandonment” for her?

Can you explain what delusional means? Ive never heard that word so much before til these past few months. I know what it means but damn its wooshin over my head. Probably my pride or some shit.

Best thing to do is to leave her user, and I'm a femanon with BPD. Not getting treated because my boyfriend doesn't want me talking to therapist or taking medication.

I used to self harm, but my boyfriend said he'll leave if I ever do it again. Same thing with drug use, and drinking. My only comfort now is binge eating. Though the relationship is dysfunctional, what works is that he's incredibly dominant and controlling - he doesn't get steamrolled by my mood swings, and he almost uses my fear of abandonment against me. She will never leave you, but you can leave her; she'll get over it and you can find a stable relationship.

He told me he was leaving around 4 months into the relationship (after self harm, drug, and drink binges) but I begged him to stay if I could show him I was "changing" for a month. He ended up falling for me again and we've been together now 1.5 years. But the BPD issues don't stop, she'll just end up hiding them from you. I still thinks he doesn't want me, even after this long, and I still use drugs (because he won't find out, unlike scars). I don't think anyone with BPD can ever have a real relationship. We have arguments and then stints of happiness, but those moments of happiness are getting so rare that they're no longer enough to hold up the relationship - it's going to happen to you, and soon there'll be no more happy memories for you to look back on.

Thanks for being honest. I still want to work with her because i feel like she can get better. I know we can get into that same feeling we had when we first started months ago when we both fell so hard for each other.Before we got “comfortable”.

My question is why is he still with you? Im curious.

Also, please take care of yourself. People care. I care and im sure thats why youre boyfriends there for you too. Dont limit yourself.

Also, im sure youre a fucking amazing woman too. Thats why he cant leave bc he sees so much in you.

>Before we got “comfortable"
It's only been 4 months, user. You guys should still be in the honeymoon phase. She shouldn't be letting you down. You should be forming an opinion of her, evaluating her, and still detached enough to leave once you feel unhappy. You'll never get that feeling from "months ago", trust me; it's been 1.5 years and I remember those times fondly too, but things have changed. That's not to say the relationship can't be good without that euphoric feeling.

>why is he still with you?
This is something I ask myself. And my head started overthinking. He's using me, he wants me for just sex, he wants me because I'm unstable and therefore controllable, he doesn't really like me, I'm just a placeholder until something better comes along.
I can't give you an answer desu; but I think BPD girls often attract a certain type of man (often they're broken themselves) and you click intensely. I know my boyfriend feels like that only because I once read a post he made about me on Jow Forums (he doesn't know I've seen it, so it was completely anonymous and honest).

And thanks user. But remember that she'll put in effort for a bit before her insecurities surface again - it really is an up and down roller coaster. And honestly, I think the relationship will hinder her academic performance (I know it strains mine, I'm also at university). She'll never leave you even if it's logical to - but you can do yourself both a favour by leaving, without ruining those good memories from the first months.

Sorry for the rant!

I know its only been 4 months but i dont know if its something i want to prove to me, her, or other people but i cant leave her intil i know i can make an impact in hers as she has mine already. Postivie impact aside from all the negative things i vented to yall. And yes there really isnt a honeymoon phase anymore. She told me that once she opens up to someone or gets close to someone, she can easily show her feelings, and thats why weve had alot of (scary) situations that ive never experienced before. Her mom and dad have experienced these situations and thats how she has gotten admitted to a hospital and diagnosed.

For me, im attracted to her bc she has so many qualities that complement mine and i look up to her. Like ive mentioned before, shes very smart, Very beautiful, funny, we share the same weird hobbies, and same interests. We can kind of mind read each other and “finish each others sentences.” Something ive never experienced before with any of my exs.

I think hes with you for more than that. Ask him when yalls timing is right.

My gfs def stressed since this fall sem has started so im trying my best to give her space. Im trying my best to be patient with her bc i know “shes” still there (she=the woman i fell so hard for).

Its all good. Im glad to talk to someone who can speak similary from my gfs perspective

What exactly was the point of this thread OP?
It's quite obvious to anyone with a brain your relationship will end with one of you dead or in jail, and everyone else has already said to leave, so what exactly were you hoping to hear?

>Though the relationship is dysfunctional, what works is that he's incredibly dominant and controlling - he doesn't get steamrolled by my mood swings, and he almost uses my fear of abandonment against me.

Wow, I have BPD too and this sounds a lot like my boyfriend. He doesn’t really put up with my bad behaviour and I’ve become a lot better because of it. He’s definitely very controlling and dominant but it works for us. It sounds terrible but I need someone who can “keep me in line” when I need it.

Im trying too see if there is any light in the relationship and itll get better. Just want a sense of hope dude.

Exactly how can become more dominant and controlling in the most non gas-lighty way?

Wow, that's really interesting. I definitely think it has an impact - if I was with a softer, nurturing guy I don't think the relationship would've lasted. Otherwise, I'd have just continued with my negativity and impulsivity. It's weird but I do think controlling people and thick-skinned men are the only ones who can safely put up with BPD girls.

>Exactly how can become more dominant and controlling in the most non gas-lighty way?
I think it's more of a personality trait, user. You have an instinct to look after her, my boyfriend doesn't have that - he just doesn't want me disrespecting him. Also, if you're concerned about being a gaslighter...I don't think you have that personality which can control and better someone with BPD.

Controlling, dominant men are also master manipulators and they out-manipulate BPD girls. You're going to have to use her abandonment fears against her by enforcing certain behaviours. And if you've already shown that you're a push-over who won't leave because you think you can "fix" her - you've already enabled her borderline behaviour.

Just stand your ground. I don’t know if it only works because I’m naturally submissive but I can’t stand him giving me the silent treatment and stuff like that. If I act childish and dramatic and have tantrums or try to pick a fight, instead of fighting back he “withdraws” his affection and becomes sort of cold and refuses to deal with me as long as I’m acting that way. If I’m good, he’s kind and loving. Which is what I crave more than anything. So I really do my best to not act out and to keep a handle on my negative emotions. I also do DBT which sort of teaches that you can’t control your emotions, but you can control your actions. Negative emotions are not bad, or something that must be avoided. They are a normal part of life, but you can’t let them control you. DBT teaches you to basically accept your negative emotions and then “let go” of them rather than avoiding, dwelling on, or fighting them. Then you force yourself to do the opposite of what you would usually do or what your “instincts” are telling you, because when you have BPD those instincts are fucked up and almost always wrong.

For example, my boyfriend mentions a female friend in front of me, I get irrationally upset and jealous. Ordinarily I might start screaming or crying and yelling and accusing him of all sorts of nonsense. But now I just recognize that I’m jealous and take opposite action aka remaining calm and understanding when I’m feeling the urge to act inappropriately. It’s helped me a lot.

I hope this made sense.

I once heard that the only people who can put up with BPD girls are either very dominant and controlling men or men who also have BPD. Sounds fucked up but I guess it makes sense in a way since he would probably be able to recognize her manipulative behaviours as things that he himself does. Plus they would probably thrive off each other’s drama instead of being scared or put off by it like “normal” people would be. Might be toxic but they could handle each other better than most.

I think controlling men are less likely to be controlled, yes, but they also lack empathy. I know my boyfriend doesn't really care about the self harm itself; I'm able to sometimes not cut/use drugs, and therefore when I do even though I could lose him, it's plain disobedience. They're less tolerant to truculence - and therefore BPD people lose their control.

I wouldn't say my boyfriend likes the drama, but he likes obedience and obsession. BPD girls are super emotional and clingy: quite complimentary to dominant men. It's weird pairing's like this which make me think there really is someone out there for everyone, no matter how unstable. It's kind of why I put up with the relationship even though it's incredibly dysfunctional - no one else would put up with me or him.