I'm a virgin femanon in my mid 20s and I have a problem with sex/sexual attraction/libido. I cannot feel sexual attraction towards men unless I know them really well and am into them emotionally. But I rarely meet men with whom I click on emotional-intellectual level. So far there's been only 3 guys I liked like that, one was taken, one has major mental issues and doesn't date and my current "crush" lives in a different country. I have had some opportunities to mess with guys but I couldn't because I didn't find them sexually appealing (because I didn't have with them that stupid emotional bond) I'm sick and tired of being like this, I want to be able to have sex with guys who like me but it never works out because I need a lot time to warm up and open up to them, and they usually want to have sex within a month or meeting me. FWB thing is impossible because I don't find casual sex appealing, it just doesn't excite me. How do I fix this?
Broken sexuality
You don't sound particularly broken or fucked up or whatever. Just picky.
But, since you want to change: is there any particular reason as to why attraction works the way it does for you? Are you conventionally attracted to men, like you can find them physically appealing? Hot guys are hot?
Need more info.
Yeah, hot guys are hot, I can get really flustered around handsome guys because I feel awkward and unsure around them. I can acknowledge that a guy is hot, but I never have this "he is so hot I want to fuck him asap" feeling, more like I'm more inclined to get to know him maybe. I don't know why it works that way, it's just something that happens in my case, I need to be really incredibly emotionally close with a guy to feel sexual attraction towards him. No idea why.
And why do you have to force yourself to be attracted by those guys?
Sounds pretty normal female behavior to me.
I think you need to simply widen your social circle to meet more guys, out of which there should be a higher chance of meeting guys that you like.
Another thing to do is to become more aware of your attraction; intellectually figure out what kind of guy you like and what exactly about them you like. That should make it easier to find them. E.g. MBTI. Or is it a particular persona? Body type? Similarity to someone? Pin that down.
the thing that sounds wrong here is that you apparently think you need to have sex when you really don't want to
the kind of sex you want is elusive and complex
you will not be satisfied with faking it or a second rate experience so all you can do is deal with it and try to be strong
What do you mean? I don't force myself to be attracted to guys with whom I'm close emotionally, it happens on its own.
I know my "type", but unfortunately these guys are outside my social circles and when I meet they they are either already taken or just impossible to get through.
Hmm, this is a tricky situation, even more so considering your age. I wouldn't call it "broken" I don't exactly know what to call it. Whatever the polar opposite of a slut is basically. It's not exactly you that's the problem, the problem is what's expected of females now a days. It's to the point now society has pinned females just as much as perverts as men, which isn't in reality true. There's really nothing wrong with wanting more to your sex. That's what sex is really suppose to be, the ultimate personal bond with someone you love. That's so easily thrown out for pleasure alone now days.
What I'm trying to say is, you're perfectly normal... You will one day find a guy who will be willing to wait for you, or that you will feel that attraction with and not have to wait. "Fixing" this would make you somebody that you aren't, if you really want do that then it's not that hard, just say fuck it, disregard your feelings, and let a guy have sex with you before you're ready, you might not enjoy it but, it's not like you have to let them know that.
Hm. So while you still feel physical attraction, you can only really get it up, so to speak, for people you know. Huh.
I'm not one for shallow-izing yourself, but if you really wanna open up a little, try and think more superficially? Hype yourself up maybe? Fantasize and whatnot, and don't get caught up with his head? The big one I mean, heh heh.
Just "think physical", I dunno.
>I know my "type"
Well? What is it?
There's nothing wrong with you at all. This is entirely normal and healthy. Dont try to change yourself OP, you should feel lucky that your body inherently tells you which guys are worth your time. Being attracted to people you dont know very well just leads to confusing situations where youre much more unsure of what you want, should do, or who is good for you.
you sound alot like the girl im crushing on
name user?
you in CA?
I will give it a try. My issue is that for me a hot body is basically just that, a body which happens to be aesthetically pleasing and possibly satisfying sexually. But if I don't know the person in that body, the body itself doesn't excite me.
Seemingly extroverted ambitious guys who have strong autistic leanings (fixated on some obscure hobby, emotionally guarded and aloof). Very intelligent, snarky sense of humour, nerdy-looking (think skinny and lanky, fashion sense of a boomer dad, more boyish than masculine).
And adding to that, they are also very picky sexually, not into casual sex, not promiscuous. Kinda like me I suppose.
>Seemingly extroverted ambitious guys who have strong autistic leanings (fixated on some obscure hobby, emotionally guarded and aloof). Very intelligent, snarky sense of humour, nerdy-looking (think skinny and lanky, fashion sense of a boomer dad, more boyish than masculine).
>tfw you are describing me
That is literally the opposite of a "broken" sexuality. there's nothing WRONG with being more casual or promiscuous, but I would say that you're entirely healthy and well-adjusted and destined for a long, healthy, loving relationship once you find the right guy. Don't try too hard to change yourself
#metoo
It's either bait or another woman who has no idea how to describe what she actually wants, to great surprise
>implying I take anything seriously on a Morrocan string-tying webforum
So like, an ambiverted INTx
Should find guys like that in very intellectual societies. Such as engineering courses; electronics hobbies; tabletop/card games, etc
I don't know what you're like, but fyi those guys are generally dicks internally
I know they can be dicks. From what I've observed they can be very ignorant of how other people may feel, and because they are so damn guarded, getting close to them (and staying close) is very difficult. I have no idea why that's my type either. Maybe I'm a secret masochist.
>Should find guys like that in very intellectual societies. Such as engineering courses; electronics hobbies; tabletop/card games, etc
Thanks, I'll try to work with that
>I don't know what you're like, but fyi those guys are generally dicks internally
know how I know you're a woman?
Just saying, she's lying. Women hate that men have sincere interests, especially the type where the woman will never be able to make it about her. They're also rarely "into" skinny lanklets who DYEL, and maintain the khakis and striped polo style their mother picked for them as kids.
t. at least my dog and my mom love me
>Women hate that men have sincere interests, especially the type where the woman will never be able to make it about her.
m8, I think there are other reasons women don't like you
I'm not lying. I know my taste in men isn't conventional, but I'm not a special snowflake either.
no doubt, friend
just saying that a woman who claims to be fascinated by your encyclopedic knowledge of model trains, civil war battles and chess openings is just looking for your dick, dollars to donuts.
there are two tragedies in life: not getting what you want, and getting it
>I know they can be dicks. From what I've observed they can be very ignorant of how other people may feel, and because they are so damn guarded, getting close to them (and staying close) is very difficult. I have no idea why that's my type either. Maybe I'm a secret masochist.
In MBTI's cognitive function theory, it's because feeling functions are low in their function-order. Mind you MBTI may or may not be scientifically valid, but it sure works irl
You should investigate your own type. It should make understanding yourself and others, as well as locating your elusive dick, easier.
>peacocking to be perceived OP's type
pic related
peacocking, please
i'm fucking methuselah, believing that women exist who really want those things AND could make me happy AND I would want to be around hasn't been a delusion of mine since I still used a telephone cord to download the tv guide onto my TiVo
"she" is just either lying or mistaken, statistically
Your desperation is making you weird
Stop while you're only a little behind
I was weird before I was desperate.
Behind in what? What do you perceive to be the stakes that dictate I should keep my powder dry, cut my losses?
Could you please not make this thread about yourself? I would greatly appreciate it.
>make a post bitching about thread derailment when all you had to do was not respond
lets see if you learned anything
The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. You should only fuck a guy who would stay after a baby comes along and would raise him. (inb4 you don't want children, you'll regret saying that when you become 30)
Is casual sex being promoted this much? Nobody wants to commit to a woman that isn't a virgin, sure the good looking ones will be fucked but don't expect any long term relationships.
Look up demisexual
tumblr idiots have retarded 'identities' for everything
there is nothing wrong or different about OP. This is not something special or separate; it's completely normal, especially for women.
I'm not sure it's that normal. My friends say that for them it goes like this:
physical attraction, then light emotional bonding, which result in strong sexual attraction and strong emotional bonding
I'm my case it's
strong emotional bonding, then physical attraction then sexual attraction
Regardless, I'm not that young anymore. I can't afford waiting for the right guy forever, and the fact that my tyle is usually super unavailable emotionally makes pursuing romance even harder. But it seems like I can either wait or force myself to get sexual without building up emotional bond.
It might not be "normal" but that doesn't mean it's bad. It really depends on what you want. If you want a bunch of casual sex then your temperament is not ideal. If you want a serious long-term relationship then you're good and you shouldn't force yourself to change
This right here . Just find a man with a stable job and who would be a good husband and father. It might be a blessing in disguise that you aren't deciding by physical attraction because that's where single moms happen.
Either lose your prudishness or accept the fact that you are going to be a cat lady.
Sex is pretty important at least within the first month especially in a day and age where it has never been easier to find sex. If you don’t give it, your partner will just find it somewhere else.
This shit isn’t the 50’s anymore, Becky.
> I cannot feel sexual attraction towards men unless I know them really well and am into them emotionally.
That sounds completely normal.
>FWB thing is impossible because I don't find casual sex appealing, it just doesn't excite me.
That also sounds normal. Don't think you need to fix it.
Have you tried just telling your prospective suitor you want to take it slow?
Like, date for a month or two and then slowly get physical. Amicability to that approach is not extinct - perhaps it's irrelevant, but Christfags often go their entire premarriage relationships without so much as a handy (confirmed; my sister did this)
I'm guessing the barrier is the fixation on a 'type' as discussed above. Well, try act in spite of that. Choose someone that logically ticks the required practical boxes, and has an appearance that you think you could consider attractive if you didn't have/got passed your standard attraction structure, then do things like get used to them; hold hands; cuddle etc when the familiarity is there. I actually strongly suspect that sex and physical intimacy is an evolved process that induces attachment - apart from the other way round. This is how FWB's almost always end up 'catching ffeelings
The trick is to ensure compatibilty *before* the attachment occurs (this is were things like personality MBTI etc come into play. But theres more to personality than temperament. You need to consider philosophy, ideology, national and sub cultures, life objectives, character qualities, psychological pathologies, etc).
Millions of people all over the world get arranged marriages etc where they barely meet the other person beforehand, and then go on to have good, lifelong marriages.
Also, again, regarding your fixated 'type', i cant tell what kind of person you are over text, but if you happened to be an IxFx like me, I can tell you that that trademark disagreeableness gets old real fast, beyond any initial fascination it warrants. Meanness and aloofness is not the only possible manifestations of low F - there's also inability to handle negative or strong emotion (eg, conflict, sych as, if you try to leave); and no social calibration (even in one-on-one interactions). These aspects don't have to all occur at once, but they're all possibilities
Have you ever turned down a guy that has feelings for you? That is to say, are deep conversations with intelligent people guaranteed to make you fall for someone?
What type would you guess OP as being? Is it true that INFJs are the pickiest and the hardest to get to date you?
How to recognize a girl with your interests?
Thanks, that's a very helpful post. Yes, I tried telling guys I went on dates with that I want to take things slowly and they all went with it but after 4th of 5th date it was obvious that they wanted to get physical. I tried to go with it to a point, but couldn't really go beyond letting them cuddle me. I just didn't feel comfortable. I used to think that I'm a frigid person, but the thing is, I can imagine all kinds of lewd things with my current crush, and I want to touch him badly, so I don't think that's it.
I don't know what type I am, I'll have to read up on that and see. I'm fairly introverted and quiet, but can easily get emotional and when I get attached to someone, it lasts for ages.
Yes, once, when I was younger. It was obvious that he liked me, but he was very passive about the whole thing and when I asked him very bluntly if he wants me, he couldn't give me a straight answer, so I moved on.
I don't know, I'm rather average, I don't stand out in any particular way.
>how do I fix this
>how do I assassinate my personality to conform by any means necessary
You have issues, but they aren't related to sex. See if you can sort out the self esteem and comparing yourself to others.
Or you could just get a lobotomy, overdose on SSRI medication, and become an overly agreeable, neurologically damaged emotional husk with no personality, or capacity for creative thought.
Get a grip woman...
It's not really a self-esteem issue, I just want to have a normal and fulfilling relationship because I'm tired of being lonely, but my personality and attitude towards sex make it very difficult
Hey I feel ya, no one said it would be easy. At least you'll end up with a higher quality partner, and without many of the emotional damage from one night stands. Good luck.
Take some MBTI tests, I'm curious too.
>Can't fuck near strangers you don't connect with
>Must be sexually broken because lonely
Huh.
>I cannot feel sexual attraction towards men unless I know them really well and am into them emotionally. But I rarely meet men with whom I click on emotional-intellectual level.
You’re supposed to date guys to get to know them better. Feelings like that come after time, and that’s why you keep “falling” for guys who are shit,
Very similar over here. Was a late20s KHV female who'd had a few one-sided crushes with unavailable people, but outside of that I was pretty much repulsed by all things romantic or sexual. The way people just seemed to jump into bed with each other on TV and in anecdotes and stuff just made no sense it me, and it kind of freaked me out how people acted like waiting a month, or even a few dates, to sleep with someone who you basically just met makes you a prude.
Then I met my now-boyfriend and fucked him on the second date. It just felt right with him. And now I feel like yeah, if you suffer through multiple dates/weeks/months with someone and still aren't interested in getting physical, you probably just really aren't into that person and should move on.
Thanks user
Will do, I'll try to post the results
I don't follow your post, I always spend a lot of time being friends with these guys, then I develop feelings
Thanks fellow femanon for giving me hope
>I cannot feel sexual attraction towards men unless I know them really well and am into them emotionally.
So you're an entirely ordinary girl.
>What type would you guess OP as being?
Most often you can't tell a person's type through initial text; this is the case here (at least for me). The only sense I get from OP is that she's an Introvert (and that was before she said as much in ) . Apart from that though she could be anything
>Is it true that INFJs are the pickiest and the hardest to get to date you?
I am an INFJ and I know I am in fact very picky. I think it's true with INFJ's in general. INFJ's are perfectionists generally in life, and it's often heightened for relationships because that's usually a big deal for us. But whether we are specifically the *most pickiest* type, I personally don't know.
>Take some MBTI tests, I'm curious too.
>Will do, I'll try to post the results
Just fyi: Tests are fine, but in general they are contingent on certain factors that are not necessarily guaranteed to be present, such as sufficient self-knowledge by the subject; correct interpretation of the questions, etc.
I would recommend taking a few tests (eg from different places), and then just reading the profiles of the various types and see what resonates with you the most.
When looking into this, it's important to keep in mind that MBTI only deals with one out of many aspects to personality, as I indicated above. Granted, it's a relatively 'low level', very influential aspect, but, there are many others nonetheless. Culture (personally defined as philosophy+tradition) is probably equally or even perhaps more contributary than temperament to behavior.
People often make the mistake of thinking MBTI encapsulates all of personality, and then attribute virtually all behavior to it. This is incorrect; don't do it.
But yes, all things considered, when understood properly, temperament can be a powerful indicator or predictor of a person's personality and behavior.
Why are INFJs and ISTJs considered so incompatible?
To put it simply, you have very unrealistic expectations OP.
To be more precise:
You're not going to find what you are looking for OP; its simply due to the nature of how relationships evolve. You are expecting an emotional-intellectual connection to develop before it is supposed to in temporal terms. I'm not sure how emotionally connected any person, man or woman, can be to their partner without experiencing the intimacy of sex. You're a virgin and might not understand this NOW, but one day you will.
The first year or two of any relationship is predominantly spent building the foundation of an emotional-intellectual connection. It's a lot of time, work, and hoping that person is able to form that connection with you. If they can't, you're SOL and need to find someone else IF that emotional-intellectual connection is something you need in a life partner. Relationships are a crap shoot.
This.
You sound like youre mentally stable.
26 virgin user, with similar stances. Your libido is probably way more in check then most peoples, and wanting to get to know somebody before furthering your attraction to them, or adavncing the relationship are signs of someone in control. You dont have to open your legs to find someone, keeping them closed is way more desireable (even if a guy wants someone with experience, they still prefer low mileage, and moreso than that they want something new and unised, not even Jow Forumsfagging). You dont need fixing, youre just wanting to find the most compatible person. People like that are in short stock, and high demand. Persevere, and youll be a-okay.