I really need your help guys

I really need your help guys.
So I fell in love with a girl for the first time at age 25. Lost my virginity, she was so supportive and cool. I shook amd sweat all night in her arms and that made her comfortable because I was more afraid of her than she was of men. She even had a wet dream about me once and woke up with an orgasm. She was obssesed with me. She has PTSD from being raped on acid & heroin for a whole month as a teen and more recently was beaten by a shitty BF for a couple years which made it much worse. He was determined to destroy her self esteem and drive her so suicide so he could get sympathy. A sociopath that could pretend to be normal around others and convinced everyone that her cries for help were her being "crazy" and that he was a saint for dealing with her. Only her neighbor and her boss believed her and saved her life. She went to therapy as a teen but did not open up and hated it. Self medicated with heroin and xanax for years until she got clean.
Everything was swell until she was going through a hard time and I insisted on coming hours early because I work night and was afraid of passing out & missing our date. She then said she didn't want to see me that weekend, but she tried her hardest to feel safe around me again and reassured me. I understand that her condition requires space, was the first guy since the more recent abuse that she didnt need weeks of no contact from right at the start, which always ended those relationships.
Originally she felt very safe around me and could even text me alot and stay around me for days, which was a first for her in many years.

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That next week she pulled back as ptsd people often do, I have my own issues and catastophized, was convinced it was all over if I didn't do something. So I texted and called way too much like the needy bitch I am. Thought ptsd was like my depression where I need support and someone to talk to, but its the opposite. She would answer my wake up calls but otherwise the only responses I got were "I love you" "sorry" and "call me in the morning". We were supposed to go to a concert but I showed up an hour earlier than she wanted and she lost her shit. Used to be, she didnt care when I came even when she slept.
She was obviously highly stressed, wouldnt look at me. She ranted and cussed about being a private person, how I was so early, and that I needed attention that she couldn't give. Said she was happier alone. Got angry when I raised my voice, I was crying not angry but nI get that she was emotionally overwhelmed. We were both shaking and sweating like crazy. Then she cried and said I needed attention thay when could not give. Said it woukd be no issue if she was a normal girl but shes not. Told me to leave. She had to tell me twice because I was waiting for my shitty car to cool down. I asked if it was over and she said she could not decide in this state. She said not to text her until she texted me.
I went to a buddys place and gor blackout drunk. She texted normally and asked if I got home okay. In response I wrote a damn essay about how I felt terrible for upsetting her and that it was her choice to stay or leave me.
I asked if she was okay a weel later and she said she was fine. I said I'd wait for her. Also told her I was here for her and loved her. No response to that, before when she was feeling down she would only say I love you when she was motivated. After another week I apologized alot and said I wanted to continue our relationship, she said she didn't know what to say right now. I said the worst thing I could have,

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Man, you're a fuck up and a half. Goddamn you're really fucking pathetic.

, that the space calmed my panic. Ptsd people feel alot of guilt when they isolate.
2 week later I asked what kind of coffee she used, cause I missed it. No reply. 2 days later I asked if she would keep hold of my stuff and she said okay. But I sent the same message on two different apps. Then 3 days later I told her I was sorry for all the texts and that id leave her be, problem is, I said that with every text, eroding her trust and safety with me. Which is fragile with ptsd. I kept waiting and two weeks after told her someone liked me and that I turned them down because I couldn't feel for anyone else. And she said "really dont want you to feel that way" which broke my heart. The denial stopped and I knew it was over. She once told me that shed never take her ex back because he was too emotional which didn't fit with her condition. She treated him bad tho because it was right after the other abusive ex and she was all messed up, so she wanted ro be his friend but he was too obssesed for that. Now she probably thinks the same about me.
It sucks because she makes $20+ an hour cleaning houses for rich assholes yet she won't go into therapy. Since the isolation shes been promoted and now trains girls to clean instead. Its probably causing her even more stress and that's what causes ptsd sufferers to isolate from close friends, lovers, and family. She can go out drinking with acquaintances because she can put on a mask and be percieved as normal which is easier than being around those that really know her. She self medicates with alcohol and needs it to socially function. It would make her condition worse if she drank multiple days in a row. She'd get claustrophobic towards me sometimes when hungover but would feel bad about it and try to make it up to me.
(3/4) can't fucking count I guess

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She would tell guys it wasn't working out weeks later if they respected her space and didnt talk to her or see her. She saw that as kindness. All she said to me was that vague reply implying she wants me to move on. I know ptsd people feel like they aren't any good for anybody so I dont know if should take it at face value since she hasnt offered to give my things back.
I really want her back or friend ship at least but I don't know what to do and its killing me. My fear of intimacy, abandonment issues, and avoidance of relationships are back worse than ever. I fucked up so bad and hate myself. I'm worried a letter will push her even further away but I have to give myself closure somehow. Considering the lack of empathy, emotions, and avoidance that ptsd brings she'll probably throw it away without reading it and I just wanna kill myself

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Get your stuff back, and then leave her alone. You are not good for her in any capacity, nor is she for you.

Oh boy, everything here is fucked on every fucking level. Also stop using muh PTSD as justification for everything, it sounds like you have more issues than she ever will.

I just want the chance to tell her im so sorry. Im gonna run into her sooner or later at local concerts and if she runs away it will destroy me.

Stop making it all about you. Give the girl some room to breathe for a month or two.

Get your stuff back, and then leave her alone. You are not good for her in any capacity, nor is she for you. You are tormenting a girl who has been through so much, already.

Lol she had an orgasm from DREAMING about you! It's like highschool all over again.
I ain't reading all that shit but here's a protip from a pro, women with low self esteem and daddy issues will do and say anything to get approval from you while you are the flavor of the month. Once they have approval from you, they need nothing more and move on to the next loser who will validate them.
You will never be anything to them, stop putting so much faith in them and think about yourself.

You probably should've read it because your post means absolutely nothing in the face of OP completely fucking up a good relationship.

I'm an absolute idiot for expecting sympathy from Jow Forums

> women with low self esteem and daddy issues will do and say anything to get approval from you while you are the flavor of the month. Once they have approval from you, they need nothing more and move on to the next loser who will validate them
I agree with you but a little alteration is needed. Its not that women with low self-esteem enjoy jumping from dude to dude. They do it because they're terrified of actual intimacy and sabotage every good relationship they ever have before you can get too close to them. A lot of times they really do want a meaningful relationship but they can't help but fuck it up out of a fear of intimacy. It also isn't that you never mean anything to them. You can mean a whole lot at any given moment but you're essentially trying to squeeze water from a stone. They want to love and be close they just don't know how.

The first fucking paragraph shows it had no chance of being a good relationship. It's an immature dependent relationship been two undeveloped people. Best he can do is make it a learning experience, one he should have had a decade ago but better late than never.

Nobody wants to read that wall of text. Tl;dr.

What you need is a fucking reality check. Sure all the incels aren't helping but just ... take a step away and try to look at this mess as a somewhat objective observer.

That's a lovely way to sugar coat it but humans have agency, don't cheapen her shortcomings with this "not her fault she really does want things to be good but doesn't want to put in the effort to not fuck it up" bullshit. The both of them are retards who have a lot to learn, this "relationship" is just a failed experiment. Analyze it, catalog it, and stowe it away, there's much more to come.

For fucking what? You KNEW what this girl had gone through, and you went through you whole needy fucking spamming her with "I'm sorry" texts anyway. What did you expect her to do? Forgive you every time for being a fucking weakling? She's already been through enough shit that she doesn't want to deal with yours.

Its not sugarcoating, its basic human psychology. Stating that "humans have agency" is a very vast oversimplification of the entire study of psychology. If overcoming deep childhood trauma and/or developmental disabilities were as simple as just deciding to be a better person then the world would be a much different place. Its also quite one dimensional and oversimplified to imply that these behavioral patterns are caused by simple moral deficiencies. That isn't how the human brain works. You see, when people aren't taught things as children they typically fail at them as adults. If a kid gets the shit kicked out of him by his dad every day he grows up to be violent. If a woman gets abandoned by her father as a kid she grows up chasing unavailable men. Its easy to say "humans have agency" but you're essentially asking someone to perform a task they've never been taught how to do. Telling someone "Hey, just stop being afraid of intimacy" is not the solution to the problem. Therapy is. That is the reality. Is everyone responsible for seeking treatment and owning the reality of their behavior? Absolutely, but that has nothing to do with the fact that their behavior is directly related to the fact that they missed out on key developmental milestones. Finding out why people behave the way they do is not absolving people of responsibility, user, its just psychology.

Well deserved dubs.

you seem smart. i need advice...

virgin at 26 in late November, currently have no real life friends that i interact with, no job yet but im seeking now, i cant cook and i havent kissed a girl on lip, not sure how to make friends without looking like a loser and i never been on a date. what to do?

social skills are very limited as you can see... only relationships were online so yer...

Yeah I know. Incels gonna be mad because I had alot of kinky sex.
But yeah. I know neither of us will be good for each other without years of therapy. I'd like to try again someday because holy shit we were doing good until we both had mental episodes simultaneously. Problem is I'm in therapy now and she'll never have the stones for it because trauma exposure therapy makes them relive that awful shit. Like the first couple years of it makes it worse before it gets better. I'm just lucky that therapy will only improve me from the start, even though it will still take time.
The anniversary of her trauma is coming up In a month, and winter sucks shit for all people with mental illness including me. So likely we wont be friends until spring
The plus side is that she never tells dudes she has a bf and isnt into pda, plus all her friends are dudes since she feels ashamed around other women due to the fact that she went back to her abusers alot. So im other words, I wont be too jealous

In other words, you are okay with dating some abusers sloppy seconds and/or getting cucked...
I would advise you forgetting her and moving on with your life. She is damaged beyond repair, not a dating material at all, and you are too crazy, naive & immature to be a decent partner anyway.

you seem to be in denial.....

it wont work because you both have mental issues.

user absolutely BTFO.

Maybe you're right. I'm once again in the talking stage with a ptsd sufferer. This is the third one in a row. For whatever reason my harmless aura attracts these girls and it sucks. This one is older, seems to have a much better handle on herself and my new meds are doing a damn good job so hopefully it works out. I just hate the thought of not being friends with an ex, I really don't know how to cope otherwise.

>sloppy seconds, cuck
Lmao. Keep waiting on your pure waifu

where are you searching for women..

>25 year old virgin (OP) has sex and falls in love with a mentally ill drug user
>Mental illness and drug use results in drama
>However the OP still loves her and resolves to solve her mental illness through being clingy
>This fails to work
>OP feels upset and comes to Jow Forums to solicit sympathy for the current state of events and ask whether doing another clingy thing will sort out this situation

How old is she OP?
How supportive is her family?

Actually shes been clean for 5 years. I wouldn't have bothered with her otherwise. Tbh I tried not to catch feelings because I knew it would end badly but she got so attached me to it was hard not to.
29, so 4 years older than me and the ex. Luckily her trauma seems to have happened many years ago and not 1 1/2 like the ex.
Her only family is her father. She was in therapy and on meds until 8 years ago, and expresses that she wants to go back unlike the ex.
So its looking better even if she needs a bit of space already due to losing her house and a car accident. Shes not as good at communicating her needs as the ex, but I've researched so much and learned from the past that I know whats going on. She knows her self pretty well and wants to take it slow so that we dont rush shit. Which was my mistake with the ex.