I need a psychologist or sociologist, or someone with a background in either, to help me figure something out

I need a psychologist or sociologist, or someone with a background in either, to help me figure something out.

Why does it always seem as if the "deep intellectual man" - the street philosophers, the graffiti poets, the guy in the room with the most expansive vocabulary - always happen to be the worst misogynists and most fucked up abusers?

I'm a woman in my late 20s and most of the men whom I've dated have been this way. I've been through several abusive relationships (one physical, the rest psychological/emotional) with men exactly like this. They were very deep thinkers, very introverted, loved philosophy, poetry, examining the little ins and outs of the system, very "woke". And yet they fucked me up to a ridiculous degree. Not to mention two of these guys were serial abusers who did the same to ex-gfs.

Why does this always seem to be the case? Psychologically, why are the "deep poetic guys" always the biggest crypto-woman haters?

Attached: punish.jpg (500x391, 90K)

The "deep intellectual man" as we recognize him in contemporary western society is fundamentally an insecure man. Street philosophers, graffiti poets, these are men who are so frightened by the idea of their own inherent worthlessness or ineptitude or even just their own averageness that they put a great deal of time and effort into developing personas that emulate desirable qualities like intelligence, creativity, empathy, wisdom, etc. in an attempt to build up their self-esteem and be seen by others as better than they truly believe themselves to be. They're scared their lives are meaningless and they aren't worth loving or respecting. You'll also have noticed that abusers have these same core issues, I'm sure. They attempt to cover their own fragility by dominating others. They are so afraid you won't love them that they will try to control you. They are so fixated on their own deeply-held internal failings that you are not even a person to them - just a tool to avoid realizing their fears. Someone so broken cannot love you. It's a correlation thing, not a causal thing - so I don't need a "not all intellectuals! Muh genuine self-improvement!" retort here. The same issues that make someone present as an "intellectual" can make someone abusive, that's all.

>They are so afraid you won't love them that they will try to control you.
I definitely saw this, but in a paradoxical way. For instance, most of these guys had very cold and distant personas (stereotypical "introverts") and behaved in a very standoffish manner to most others. At the same time though, each of them used *a lot* of mental manipulation tactics in order to keep me glued to them -- mentally, not just physically. One of them (probably the worst of the bunch) would always get be to submit to his belief system (he was very well-educated in philosophy), which I found as a form of emotional control.

What was his belief system?

Perhaps I shouldn't have said "belief", more like "epistemology".

I think you're getting yourself mixed up with the wrong kind of introverted philosopher types. Looks like you're finding people that are probably INTJ/ISTJ with underlying narcissism/sociopathy which can cause a lot of damage in a relationship.

INFP/INFJ philosopher types have a much higher chance of satiating your desire for an empathetic companion that's also intelligent and caring while also giving you a higher chance of avoiding narcissistic/sociopathic personalities.

I am an INFJ actually.

This thread is probably going to turn into a shitshow.
>most of these guys had very cold and distant personas (stereotypical "introverts") and behaved in a very standoffish manner to most others.

OP, I can only assume you're a whore and you get treated like one by these "intellectuals". You gravitate towards confrontational assholes and then are surprised they're assholes in their private life, too.

Empathetic types, like INFJ/INFP, tend to attract dark triad personalities and vice versa. It's a toxic attraction of opposites that will rip the empathetic person apart and it's probably what you've been experiencing with these types of men.

Attached: Empath & Narcissist.png (1238x838, 1.21M)

I get what you mean, but I disagree somewhat with your initial hypothesis, that what drives the "cold dudes" to engage in intellectual interests and activities is analogous to what drives convert narcs. Usually, people who take an interest in high art, poetry, critical theory, etc. do so out of curiosity or a desire for knowledge and beauty, not necessarily insecurity.

Narcissists are narcissists because they're inherently broken individuals. They have a lot of strong will, but their brokenness causes them to fall into a cesspool of malignancy, which is why they feel the need to stomp all over others in order to feel some sort of self-gratification.

You just attract trash tier males and go for them.

Could be because the smarter you are the more the stupidity of the world makes you feel isolated and thus you lash out. Could you imagine if the world were run by children, that's how really smart people feel.

Would make sense that someone who is emotionally sensitive and smart would experience the worst version of this. Their emotional sensitivity makes them need love to a more intense degree, but since they see the world as run by children, its like getting children to love you. It'd be hard not to be vindictive or manipulative.

Not saying they are right to be abusive, they should still be good people, but it does make sense.

I agree you would be well-advised in seeking a psychologist. It should go without saying that the abuse is in no way your fault, but the fact that most of the men you've dated have been abusive, shows that there is something about you that either draws this sort of man, or draws you to this sort of man, or both. Either that or you have had ludicrously bad luck.

But in the case of the former this likely needs some very deep introspection guided by a professional, I would say.

I agree with most of this, although keep in mind many of these dudes are also violent abusers.

I would have to know more about your specific situation to give better advice.You briefly mentioned manipulation and physical and emotional abuse and feeling like you have been "fucked up to a ridiculous degree". This kind of feeling is usually the result of a toxic relationship with someone exhibiting dark triad traits.

It doesn't have to be narcissism but it could be a combination of any of the dark triad traits. I posted that image as it's the only one I had that seemed relevant to your situation, it's possible you were dealing with someone who was more sociopathic or machiavellian.

Some people research philosophy to try to get one up on the world and for power purposes. Not everyone will be digging into philosophy and the arts for self-actualization and for truly and genuinely understanding how the world works. I asked what their beliefs or philosophical stances were because that would help me determine their view of the world. If you provide that information I should be able to help you figure out what happened even further.

You know gayday? You can just sense when someone is gay or not?

There's also a sense for good and bad people. Yours is broken. When you meet a guy get your friends opinions, they can see what you can't.

As to why, anyone can learn enough to appear intellectual, the guys full of themselves and compensate for any insecurities will be in your face about it. Find someone who doesn't have to tell you who they are, and you will see they show their true selves through their actions.

If you think ‘graffiti poets’ are intellectuals then i’m happy that you got abused because you deserved it.

I think my issue is I tend to hook up with people based on similar interests, rather than if they're actually good people.

Predators can sense that you are susceptible to their bullshit and will seek you out and draw you in. It's a pattern of abusive relationships and they can practically smell it on you. Present yourself as more assertive and confident early on and the bad apples won't be as interested.

>I'm a woman in my late 20s and most of the men whom I've dated have been this way.
Bro. This has nothing to do with psychology. You are attracted to a specific kind of shitty, artistic dude. You keep dating them over and over. Guys that could be described as "deep" or "poetic" have absolutely nothing to do with your shitty taste in men.

Yeah I have a difficult time being assertive.

Get therapy. You're attracted to abusive dudes. I'm assuming your childhood wasn't all sunshine and rainbows? Women who had supportive, present and loving fathers don't grow up being attracted to abusive men. What happened to you OP?

As you may have guessed, my father was a huge dick to me growing up. He would either be very cold to me or mock and ridicule me. Keep in mind, he had an abusive mother (my paternal grandmother was a nightmare to nearly everyone in her life, textbook malignant narc). It's a pretty scary thing when men who were abused by their mothers end up having daughters, because they transfer all the resentment they hold towards their asshole mothers to their daughters, which is exactly what happened to me.

Ok, so your asshole dad is why you're attracted to assholes. It has nothing to do with your lack of being assertive or how terrible artistic dudes are. Its all you and you unresolved childhood trauma. Right now your man radar is broken. You can pretty much 100% guarantee that whoever you find yourself drawn to is an abusive hunk of shit. Get therapy. There really is no way around it.

I agree with this guy. Get therapy. It's the best thing you can do right now.
However, since that's not what you asked, I must say that said it best so far. Most people who exhibit
an excessive amount of identity, specially some sort of "higher class" identity, have a tendency to be deeply insecure and not self-sufficient.

>it's never the guy's fault guize

Except for the fact that I'm not the only one who has been in situations with men like this.