So I come to you with a question of great importance to me. Basically I started dating a girl 5 months ago and at the time didn’t reveal a secret which brings me much shame. I lost my virginity to a prostitute late last year, going again shortly after to see if it would be any better (it wasn’t). I thought I could hold onto this secret but as time has gone by, my guilt has compounded and I have to come clean. However I’m not sure if I should wait until we are together (she’s currently overseas), or if I should message/call her, which would give her more time to process. Any opinions and ideas are welcome, thanks.
Girlfriend
Oliver Baker
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Carter Lee
Don’t ever tell her. The fact that you want to tell her is self sabotage.
If you don’t tell anyone, it never happened.
Hudson Edwards
Lock that little factoid up in the mental vault and throw away the key, brother.
Adam Flores
1. You were under NO obligation to inform a stranger of the details and circumstances regarding your virginity, and how it was lost. You didn't know if she was trustworthy, if she was judgemental, etc. etc.
2. Unless she's asked you how you lost your virginity and you purposely gave a wrong answer, you have not lied to her. Unless you two have previously discussed your sex lives and you lied about how you lost your virginity, there is no need to feel guilty over something you haven't done.
Now, assuming you HAVE lied to her; you must be willing to take responsibility for it. Lying to your partner is wrong, though you can make up for the transgression by confiding in your partner, and making sure you don't lie again. Of course, this is all if you have lied to her, and if you haven't lied, you have nothing to worry about.
3. Losing your virginity to a prostitute isn't something you should feel guilty over. Consensual sex between two adults isn't anything to feel guilt over.
4. Now, you say this:
>going again shortly after to see if it would be any better (it wasn’t).
Were you with your gf when you went back to the prostitute? If you were single at the time, you were 100% in the freedom to do whatever the fuck you wanted. However, if you two had already been dating and you went back to the prostitute, then that's another issue entirely.
Zachary Richardson
With all that in mind, I want you to understand that, if this is the right person for you, then you should be perfectly capable of communicating with them, and that they should be open to whatever it is you have to tell them.
>We've been together for 5 months, and there's something about me I would like for you to know. This may affect how you see me, but because I want to be with you, I would like to share this with you so that you know the truth.
Either she leaves you or she doesn't, and here's something you should took take into consideration; the right person won't leave you when you tell them. The right person is understanding. The right person isn't someone you will ever have to hide something from, or someone you have to justify yourself to.
You did what you did. You don't have to beg for her forgiveness when you've done nothing wrong.
>being with someone you have to hide things from
lol
Christopher Thomas
The second time was still before I’d ever met her. And yes the reason for the guilt is because I didn’t confess when we discussed our past. I just sort of avoided it but never said directly yes or no to anything, so I was misleading really. Thank you for your opinion, however do you think calling/ message is acceptable. Or is this something that needs to be said in person in your opinion?
Chase Hughes
I could have made this clearer in my post, but you should tell her as soon as possible, once appropriate. Calling and messaging is acceptable, so long as you explain that it's something you have to say, and that it's something important for you.
However, if you want to wait until you can see her in person, you must consider that you will continue to feel guilty UNTIL you tell her. If you won't be seeing her soon, you'll feel bad until you do. If she's coming back soon, and you're willing to burden that until you can tell her in person, then you could do that too, but it's entirely up to you.
If she's coming back in a day or two? Tell her when you see her in person. If she'll be away for a while? Tell her through text or through a call.
James Howard
Worst advice ever
Isaiah Thompson
And what do you suggest he does? Never tell her? Pretend it doesn't bother him?
Christopher Sanders
Yes this is exactly how I feel about it. But then I’m thinking would me choosing to end carrying the guilt be a selfish act. Instead of having the decency to wait and tell her in person. So really I’m asking if you think it is indecent to tell her over phone call, but you seem to think that is acceptable. So maybe I will go for that, but I’m not sure if she would rather it be said in person.
Jaxson Collins
Don't tell her. It means absolutely nothing. A lot more men have been to prostitutes than people think. Men (and women) of all kinds have. Even successful ones who have a good sex life. There is nothing special about what you have done, stop thinking it is a deep shameful secret.
Jason Bell
This is true, I just hope that when I tell her I will be relieved of the guilt. I understand it is common, but I wasn’t truthful with her at the start.
Joshua Johnson
THAT WAS MONEY WELL SPENT
Brody Sullivan
Why do you feel the need to tell her?
Leo Cruz
Never reveal any source of shame or humiliation to a woman for any reason, full stop.
Chase Perez
Because I can see us being together for a long time, and I can’t see myself still carrying this secret until then. I don’t think I’m capable
Nathan Campbell
You are of the right mind
this is stupid
William Morris
Don't do this OP. If you want to confess you aren't a virgin, fine, but do not ever tell a woman you have visited a prostitute. You can always just say it was a one night stand with a girl you met and then drop it.
Jordan Gutierrez
Femanon here and well, I'd be bothered to know that the guy I'm seeing has had visited a prostitute. But I do understand the circumstance and I rationally can't really blame on him. I'd be bothered that he didn't tell me immediately, but I'd be an hypocrite to think I wouldn't have done the same.
So, if you feel guilty it makes sense you tell her, but first be sure to know what her idea about prostitution is.
If she thinks it's totally shameful, well maybe you shouldn't tell her.
If she thinks it's not shameful but still doesn't like the idea, it's tricky but she might be understanding
Parker Wood
I don't understand why this is a big deal or a big secret of yours or whatever you think it is.
I really don't get your logic here OP. Why do you even feel guilty about it? Was it after you got together with your current gf?
Seems like you are setting up yourself for a bad situation.
Leo Watson
Dont listen to anyone in the thread thats even entertaining the possibility of you telling her that
Do NOT do that user
Chase Evans
this. not worth it. you think it will make things better? it wont. she'll think its gross and shit. There is literally no reason to tell her. She doesnt wanna know and neither would you. Dont be a dick, it happened before you were dating.
Chase Morales
this. OP, just get over it. a bunch of us have been in the same boat, and guess what? life goes on, so fucking what?
Nathan Thompson
There is nothing particularly shameful about making use of prostitution so long as you behave safely and the prostitute receives all of the money, or most of it if you're in a licensed brothel. Obviously you should not be supporting street walkers and massage parlors.
Ideally you should have found a permanent partner early and stayed with her. But straight-up cash for sex is better than wooing women with alcohol, attention, and false expectations; wasting everyone's time in episodes of serial monogamy, damaging each other emotionally or psychologically with the inevitable fuckbuddy attachment problem; and generally exploiting women's insecurities and lack of direction in modern society by using them for sex while they squirm through our gauntlet of higher education and shitty employment trying to find their way to a baby or two ten years after they're ready to safely start making them.
I'll add that unless your girlfriend tells you in detail about her rape fantasies, you don't actually have the sort of open communication and total honesty you feel so bad about violating.
I've been with the same woman since 2005 and there are a fuckton of things I don't tell her. I don't particularly care who she fucked before I came along, either. I know that she never let anyone else blow a load in her, and that's good enough for me, especially in today's world and given my own history. Why take a good thing and piss nightmare fuel all over it? Is getting to sleep at night really so easy that we all need more troubling thoughts to dwell on?
Eli Morales
I don't know how she'll react OP but here's my 2 cents.
If I was overseas and my bf told me he was feeling guilty and had a past he wasn't transparent about over the phone... it would set off alarm bells.
I'd start thinking things like: What else is he hiding and feeling guilty about? What is he doing while I'm gone? Why is he confessing now?
Wait until after she's home and settled. Big trips are exhausting. Timing is everything. I receive unpleasant news a lot better when I'm well rested.
Tyler Murphy
Nigga don't tell her.
Noah Howard
Gabriel Walker
I did tell her because I wanted. After fucking. It didn't matter.
In fact I told her all my life.
Owen King
Do not tell. I also lost my virginity to a hooker. This reality is fucking sad and men are behind, fucking a prostitute is absolutely justified, yet extremely shameful. If she ever asks, make up a story.
Mason Morgan
nope. get over it, and don't tell. no need to to make up b/s either.
Dominic Cook
Yes, you clueless child.