I am dating a girl who is "planning" our relationship by asking me countless questions (even about marriage and sex) in order to be sure that I am the right one. She justifies this by saying she's an INTJ (en.wikipedia.org
Is this legit or just bullshit? And could it be a sign of a mental disorder or illness, instead?
It is bullshit. You can't really plan a relationship and if something goes awry she will probably leave you.
I don't blame her but judging by your discomfort hopefully she has determined you aren't the right guy.
You are retarded. You ought to have a set of things you can't abide, like a drug addiction, cheating, ect., but you shouldn't plan the whole thing out because it WILL NOT turn out like that. You ought to just find someone you like and then stick with them.
More than planning (wrong term) she is checking if I respond to her needs.
Nope, she seems quite close to say that I am the right one. My discomfort is about my past experiences with mentally challenged girls. One of them asked me a lot of questions (but after she decided to have a relationship with me, not before) and talked very soon about marriage. Turned out she had BPD
This is a partnership and you have to determine if both are heading in the same direction and not one just winging it through life. I suggest you find a wing it kind of girl.
Well she is defining herself by a personality test so she probably isn't worth your time regardless as she sounds boring as fuck.
Yeah, you have to do that as you go along. But its based on what you want and it isn't wise to go into a relationship going "i wanna marry this guy" as that might change or his decision might change. OR he could just say yes because he likes you. Asking these questions about the future is pointless unless the future is right around the corner, which it shouldn't be when you are just starting a relationship
I'll preface this by saying that I think that MBTI is basically horoscopes for people with a college degree, but:
I'm an INTJ girl too, and I do the same. I try to not ask as much because I know it scares people off, but on our second date I basically am already planning our life together.
It's fucked, it's stupid, it's dumb, I know I shouldn't and she shouldn't either. I have some freaky need of always being in control which is probably rooted in some kind of mental illness I'll never investigate about because that's for people who aren't terrified of their minds.
Don't put up with it if you don't want to. It's probably a lot more harmless and it just soothes her to know there's a plan, or at least it does with me.
Good point, and it sounded boring to me, too, at first. But when we hang out together, she is delightful, always smiling and full of ideas. However, when she's triggered about this personality stuff, you cant' stop her.
My problem: is this behavior really "usual" for sane people who have this INTJ profile? Or is it a symptom of something wrong going on in her head?
She says that she knows it's important to get to know each other, and that you are free to change your mind if things turn out for the worse, but also that she needs a goal from the beginning. Not like "we are going to be married and that's all", but like "we'll try hard to make it work, because we already know we are fit for each other". She cannot conceive one night stands or relationships that start without a clear commitment and a thorough sharing of relevant information.
Thanks, I'm starting to think that it's harmless, too. But my past experience with BPD left me very scarred, and I want to be sure this INTJ stuff is really a thing, or a cover for something else.
She just sounds worse and worse to me because you can't KNOW that you fit with someone else until you try, but the intj thing IS actually a thing. It might be correlated with some mental illnesses but I don't think it is a cover for something else.
I'm probably on the other end of the spectrum of a person with BPD.
I don't have mood swings, I'm not dramatic, I am not that emotional, I am pretty upfront and honest, I never cheated in my whole life, I'm not impulsive at all, never attempted suicide, not manipulative, I don't really get mad.
I'm fucked in the head probably, but in a very non-BPD way if that's of any consolation.
That's actually a great consolation, and I saw some of this in her. I actually need this, in my life, after years of batshit crazy drama.
Still, the questions weird me out, because I remember the questions from the other girl, and they were similar (but, as I said, they came after our relationship became official, not before and without any explicit statement about a rational goal).
>who is "planning" our relationship
drop asap
Wrong term. She is not planning. She's checking if I am the right one for her in a very straightforward way.
>She's checking if I am the right one
yes and this is a big red flag. DROP
Red flag about what? Mental illness? Abusive behavior?
I can very much relate to the thing about not being able to start a relationship without a goal in mind.
I hate the dating phase because it's really confusing to me, it feels way too intense and unclear. I like the security of having a man love me, of sharing a goal, of working towards something together. I don't like when we're just seeing each other casually and whatever. I don't like going with the flow, I just can't.
Now, I'm not her, but I really think that she's just investing emotionally and trying to protect herself. That's something I do too when I like someone. I try to make sure I'm not wasting effort on people because I tend to stick with people I love no matter what.
I know it's unpleasant, I try to not do it. I sincerely don't think she's trying to do it with any malicious intent.
Are you also very slow in taking action during the dating phase? Like, being affectionate, but not that much, because you need to be 100% sure before you can let yourself go?
Yes, definitely.
I can't have sex with people I don't feel love for. It just feels all sorts of wrong for me, even something insignificant as being kissed by a person I don't truly like makes me cringe. I can't detach the two things. I'm actually really caring and sweet towards just about everyone, I'm not a cold bitch, but physically I struggle because to me physical intimacy is something reserved for people I truly love and sex is just for my boyfriend.
Me again.
Just so you know - I've been dating this guy for a year and he's really impulsive, and go-with-the-flow kind of guy and he helped me a ton with my freaky control needs. I trust him, because he cares a lot about me and loves me so much he'd never let me get hurt, but with the fact that he's so chill and sometimes he'll just say "fuck it" and do the opposite of what we planned was really good for me.
I'm a much better person after we started dating.
I'm just saying it can get better. And you don't have to be a victim to her plans, especially if she isn't the kind to get mad because things don't fall according to her plans.
The good thing is that you most likely can talk this out with her without it being a huge deal.
That's not a bad thing, per se. However, she seems to need a lot of pondering, in the present stage, about kisses. She explicitly warned me about this (which, of course, sounded weird to me). I am trying to be subtly more physical date after date, and she does not refuse my approaches, but she still needs time. The most affectionate things she can do, for now, are kissing me on the cheeks and holding my hand very tight as we walk. But we have been dating for just ten days or so (however, we met for the first time in September).
I noticed that she's open to consider (small) compromises, when she finds out some point which is not completely respondent to her checklist.
I would dump anyone mentioning MBTI in any other context than crass scorn.
It is equally as retarded as horoscopes, but they at least have thousands of years of cultural history behind them. MBTI is literally a HR scam.
I also have many doubts about it... And I never considered it a thing.
But I don't care if she believes in it. I just want to be sure that there's not something dangerous going on in her head. Relationships can go right or wrong, and that's fine with me. But I don't want to be mindraped and emotionally abused again.
I can see why it'd sound weird. I can really relate to her.
Again, I'm not her, but as she does it takes me a while to warm up on the physical aspect of things. I can guarantee I'm not weird later on in the relationship: I kiss my boyfriend a thousand times a day, and fuck him a lot. We're affectionate and all.
I just cannot do it with a stranger or someone who is basically a stranger.
I think that it'd be good for her (and eventually she'll probably get to it) if she trimmed down her checklist to fundamental kind of things. I had a very long list in mind but really, at the end, I just met a person who felt right. I just didn't understand that till I met him.
it's a red flag for a virgin Jow Forums loser who doesn't know shit about shit
haha, a few of us are more than allergic to the lebensplan I see