He hates me more than he loves his son

I'm sorry. They say that is more damaging to a child when the father pops in and out and is not reliable.

I will not allow his father to do that. He's going to have to show that he actually WANTS to be a parent to my child before I'd allow anything.

That includes parenting classes, after he completes the court ordered abuser program, and then he has to pay support as well. But he will never do these things because he's too self serving and self centered, he'd rather have females take care of HIM. It's really sad though. He just doesn't KNOW how to be a grown man.

And that folks is a direct result of the family he grew up in. Abusive father, who then screwed over everyone, and left. The mother controlling and overprotective. Poor kid never had a chance

You so dumb if you believe the shit he says.

He also cries and tries to play the race card and say that's why I'm advantaged over him.

Let him show you his arrest record. He's listed Caucasian. He uses any excuse to not accept responsibility.

He gets that trait from his mom.

>victimhood mentality
The real reason why your son doesn't have a chance in this world.

Aw noe, how can this happen, everyone knows men dindu nothing wrong ever :(

I refuse to stay victim. We're thriving and that's thanks to hard work and an amazing support system.

He will not turn out like his father or his grandfather were. I'm stopping the cycle here and now.

I don't take handouts and I don't live off the government.

I can't say the same for them.

And actually you are correct in that statement though but just not about the right person.

His father and grandmother OOZE victim mentality and live their entire lives that way.

His father had never been a popular guy with people, like his older brother, so he has very few "friends" and the caliber of them is poor and weak.

They just "yes" him and tell him he's the victim and its all my fault he is where he's at.

Real friends that are not toxic, call you on your shit and help encourage you to move beyond the issue or work towards a solution. He has no one in his life guiding him and he's completely lost.

So the natural solution is "blame the bitch" Because that's much easier than looking inward and doing any real work

I never knew my real father and my stepdad has been in the picture for as long as I can remember, so I've always had a father figure around. I suggest you find a new man whos decent, DONT neglect your kid for this. but the sooner he has a stable father figure the less fucked up he'll be. but I hate my life so take my word for what its worth

My entire life revolves around him. I don't blame him for his father or his father's family toxicity.

It's only been the better part of this year this happened so we're still adjusting and healing. I'm not ready YET to date. I'm giving it another month or two or maybe after the holidays and I'll let someone take me out.

In the meantime he's got a fantastic male role model at his school and I have local male family members that are supportive of him and take the time and interest in him.

Sorry you feel like your life sucks though. I don't think this site helps much for it. In fairly new here and will be leaving soon. It's just full of negative vibes

I've come a long way but it took a lot of fucking anguish to get here.

>if your dad abandoned you
I think you should head over to Black Twitter if you want a representative sample

Lol. Pick better men.

>"This situation is completely his fault and not my fault in the slightest!"
As someone who was raised in a happy nuclear family, I have to say that there is no more fitting punishment for lying cunts like you than to have to live as a single mother.

Enjoy scraping money from some beta male to "support your son", I guess.

It took me until 27 to realise my dad acts more like a not as close friend than a dad, unless I am directly around him for an extended period.

He just isn't that interested in me and I feel like I've sort of stopped caring that much. He seems a little more interested in my siblings but I dunno.

I've gone through life without much skill in connecting with people or maintaining what few friendships I've had. I doesn't help that I lead a hermit sort of travelers life. My gf who is tight with her family pointed out a lot of my "divorce kid" tendencies. That hurt but I'm glad she did. She taught me how to basically form emotional connections.

I have a super easy time connecting with women, but I've only just now figured out how to make male friends and it sucks because I've missed out a lot.

>mother refers to her own child as "the child"

Fuck, good luck kid.

>Anonymous
>make up quotes because I really have nothing else

Happy nuclear family? You come across very bitter for someone who came from a happy background.

Lying? Again, as if you know me or the situation.

The internet isn't for you kid.

Well I could refer to him continually as "my" or "mine" but then I'd be no better than the father who only views him as property and not an actual individual with his own identity.

Not a fan of "our" because the guy really is a low life that I'm all ashamed I slept with.

And yes, check back in a couple decades - this kid is going places. ;) luck he does not need.

Really the moral of the story is not to allow fuckboys to impregnate you.

Ok you could look at it like "that sucks" because I've missed out on so much OR you could be impressed that you HAVE learned how to connect now. Not everyone does learn that part.

Also I think it's interesting that you are dating someone who has a family that you probably longed to have yourself.

It might've been painful to hear from your gf all the things that you have issues with that resulted from your upbringing but she's actually teaching you what to look for and it may have helped you to begin to learn to connect with males?

I like to try to always find the positive in a situation and the reason. It seems like that's not the norm on this site.

Keep going! Onward and upward:)

That's just wrong. Funny. But wrong.

My dad wasn't the best guy. He would abuse my mum and cheated on her. After they split and she got custody of me he would come and steal me out of class in kindergarten and grade school and stuff like that when the court ordered visiting times didn't work for him. As I got older (like 8/9) he would blame me for our relationship not working and fucking up his life and stuff. He would talk non-stop shit about my mum and all her family. He had kids with other women. one older than me and two younger. The last time I saw him as a child he broke into my mum's house and took me for like a while. We were kind of on the run for a few weeks. Where he told me that everything I believed was a lie and that I was making things up; like our situation was totally normal father-son behavior. Police got involved a few times but the last time he knew the consequences would be serious if he fucked up again and he had two other babies to look after with a woman he was going steady with at the time so I didn't see him anymore. Except every year on my birthday and before Christmas he would come and try to give me presents at my mum's house. Usually this involved him standing outside, beating on the door and yelling profanities about my mum and sometimes about me. As I got older he brainwashed my half brothers and their mum into yelling too. He was my biggest fear as a kid.

As I got older I realized that my mum was pretty crazy too. Like she basically sees the world only from her point of view and demonizes everyone else; sometimes in ways that aren't consistent with reality. I love her but there's no fucking way I could stay married to her so I get where he was coming from. I guess this combined with how he told me my perception of reality was false lead me to question the nature of reality. I guess it's mostly subjective. I think this ultimately helped me to develop empathy and think about others's perspectives before acting.

cont.

I also got really fucked up and did a tonne of drugs and drank heavily for a few years to get to that point. My heavy substance use was also influenced by a number of things that came from not having a father figure in my life as an adolescent.

I went to an all male school and I had no fucking idea how males were supposed to interact with each other. I got bullied to shit because I never stood up to myself. I eventually learned that a majority of male interaction is just friendly bullying and if you don't give it back everyone will shit on you.

I was also scared of older men. This made entering the work force extremely difficult as a majority of my bosses instantly knew that they intimidated me and that I would be their bitch. I learnt to get around this fear eventually and can hold my own now.

I also had this idea that I wasn't a man because I was lacking in a lot of elements of toxic masculinity as I grew up. Like I never got angry or violent or thought about fucking girls or forced my opinion on anyone and it made me feel like shit about myself. But I guess I realized that these aren't good qualities to have in a human being anyway and I have managed to have a lot of meaningful relationships with girls although I'm really bad at casual sex which is kind of a bummer sometimes.

When I was a kid I also had to take care of my mum a lot. like she never dated or anything so we hung out together a lot. Her dad and brothers made it clear that they expected that from me. She also would always tell me how to be a good husband from a young age (obviously because my dad treated her like shit). In reality people will take advantage of you if you treat them too well. As a result of both of these things I always get wrapped up with extremely needy girls and end up giving them everything I have both emotionally and physically. In my mind this is so normalized that I don't even realize it's problematic

final I guess?

I feel like I turned out pretty well after everything that happened with my dad but it took a lot of work and being able to scrutinize myself. I studied psychology and did a lot of lsd so maybe that helped also.

I can recognize that my dad came from a shitty family with a history of mental illness and so it's likely that he was struggling with depression and had no support network so he ended up taking it out on me.

I get depressed and anxious and stuff. During an episode sometimes I feel so fucking crazy. Especially after breakups I want to harass girls and fuck with them and all of that, like he did. I never do because I have a lot of self control and I guess an understanding of what I'm feeling being a temporary. I feel like he must have had the same internal processes going on when he was making problems for me and my mum.

I ended up thinking about this so much that I made contact with him earlier this year. I was living in another city at the time and so I felt safe doing it. I didn't realize that he was in that city for work on a weekly basis at the time (and looking back this could have been a lie from him) so we ended up meeting up for dinner and drinks on a regular basis for a while. I also met some of my brothers as they live with him and not their mum.

He apologized for what happened one night when we got really drunk and I told him I had already forgiven him.

At the same time my mum got married to a new guy and asked me not to tell my dad.I didn't know how the fuck to handle it so I ended up ghosting him. It was also in a turbulent period of my life and I didn't want him to get inside my head because I don't trust him and I knew I was vulnerable at this point. My only regret about this is that I couldn't help my brothers to understand the fucked up emotions that we (as members of the same gene pool) have inside of us. They're so close to him all the time. I hope they don't grow up to be monsters like him.

Well that was very honest and transparent. Thank you for sharing. Your mother was in an abusive relationship and it sounds like she never got help for that. That's really a shame and part of the tragedy of these type of dynamics.

If you are with an abuser and get fortunate enough to get out alive, you have a responsibility to yourself to seek help with healing because you're going to be fucked up no matter how strong you were to survive what happened. You end up with ptsd among other things and if not properly addressed, the individual can be stuck unhealthy.

I'm not writing off relationships for good. I won't become that. I seen my ex mother do exactly what your mother did to you. She never remarried or even really dated and used her 2 youngest sons as her spouses. The second to the youngest was able to get free and marry but of course there was so much drama involved with that! A real power struggle between the mother and wife that continues to this day. But at least it happened. Once that was done she focused herself completely on "her baby" who happened to be my son's father. Omg. I can't even tell you how she played an active role in him abusing me! She even now cries how she misses her grandson but its all manipulation. She encouraged the father NOT to coparent with me and convinced him I was trying to trap him with the child.

I understand she had a hard life and was abused abandoned and neglected by her family of origin and then her ex husband and his family. I have pity for her. She doesn't get it or have the self awareness to see where she's gone wrong and the damage she's causing for generations. It's just all perpetuated.

I see myself unhealthy mechanisms that I have to face and deal with. I want to eventually have a healthy relationship dynamic but I have much work that needs to be done first. And I'm doing it. Support groups and individual therapy for myself and my son. It's not easy, by any means but it is necessary.

Continued

It is very empowering being part of my own healing process. It's not easy to do because you have to own and face your shit. I love the kid earlier who posted that I'm taking no responsibility for any of this. Complete ignorance on his part. I'm was very much a part of the dysfunctional dynamic but I am no longer. Which is why I refuse to allow the ex to be around his son UNTIL he completes the programs he needs to. Of course the ex blames me for this and says I'm keeping him away, I took him etc. Just like your father did. Its amazing how these abusive men view the world.

I'm protective of him now and I was not always this way. I was responsible for not leaving after the first time. I stayed even though he witnessed his father beat me kick be and strangle me. THAT is where I fucked up. I will not allow that "man" to hurt him any more.

The drugs and alcohol for you were a way to self medicate and that's understandable and sadly common. Congrats to you on your own healing journey. I wish your mother had done hers for her sake and yours. But you are doing it now. You should be proud of yourself.

Great. Insane mom and brutal scum dad. Poor child. Born out of shit. May he be strong and the universe have mercy to leave his roots behind.

Jow Forums specimen at its finest. Posting from mommy's basement as a judgemental millennial.
Don't you have LOL game queue you have to hurry and run off to?

This didn't come up until I checked now so I didn't get this part.

I agree your brothers will have a more difficult time than you because they are with him all the time. Abusers have a very warped sense of entitlement and view of life.

Its like they can't really SEE people. People to them are just pawns in their chess game of life. They don't see the emotional damage they do to them because they're just objects.

I've become very active and involved with the abuse survivors community and have learned that it is common for the abusive father to try to gain full custody of the children so they can manipulate them and turn them against the mother. They know this is the most pain they can inflict. They always go for the most damage.

I tried coparenting with my ex but he refused. He gave me the silent treatment and refused to give any updates when the child was with him. He forced me to deal with his equally toxic family members for any information or updates. They thought it was funny to ignore me days on end until I panicked enough and called non emergency police to do well check visits. It was all so unnecessary. When we finally went to court he lost horribly. I actually felt bad for him. I heard nothing from his family inquiring on the child's well being until the saw photos of us at Disney. Then all of a sudden my phone started blowing up with "when can we have him" in a demanding way. They were fine thinking we were struggling. The moment they realized we moved on with life and it was good, all hell broke loose.
Well, that was just another proof positive that the child's well being and best interest was not important to them. I've been vigilant since to protect him.

I've learned through this that I'm one savage badass and I'm fierce when it comes to his well-being. I am no longer afraid of my ex and see him really as a very cowardly fragile unstable little boy who may remain that way indefinitely.

bitch