My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and intend to get married later on...

Porn is different for obvious reasons and I don't give a shit if he has friends with girls. When its a livestream and he's interacting with the women it's different.

>invited her into our social circle
Is way fucking more then watching porn

You're not "overreacting." You're reacting based of your perceptions, and potential experiences, and both of you clearly are different people from different upbringings with different cultural values(Even if you're both in the same country).

I get it. I get why you're upset, and I get why he doesn't get it. I also get why he would think you're silly for being upset.

Listen, what is happening is you're being insecure, and he is being immature and having no ability to see a different perspective.

He isn't cheating
You aren't overreacting

He is an immature dickbag,
But I'm going to guess you're both young so you have an excuse.
I was a dumbass at a young age, too.

You have a right to be mad, though. He acted like a dumbass. But, you need to get over your little passive shit and learn how to properly convey your points so that he understands.

Regardless, this isn't a big deal for either of you and you both should just forget it.

Then tell me why it's so serious & why it is different. Explain, in very simple & literal words, why it is such a big deal. This will help determine if you are overreacting or not.

>protip: a person's job does not define who they are, he should be able to be friends with anyone regardless of their profession

this

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He encouraged someone to pay a woman he wasn't in a relationship with to dance and do poses for him naked. He then joined her nsfw discord that is full of naked pictures of her and her shoving dildos in her orifices, and let her into our circle of friends discord channel. He then followed her on twitter. If you don't see a problem here you are dense as pigshit. And honestly, thank you for making this post because it made me realize how I was rationalizing his shitty behavior.

Hi OP. Guy in 8 yr relationship here. The Achilles heel, I was talking about a girl who showed me signs and a friend encouraged me to go for it. Girlfriend saw it and we had a discussion. Then and there, we resolved to make things work through thick and thin. Have been doing so since.

But make no mistake, I'd be single if I had gone onto a titty stream, joke or no. There's exactly two reasons that men go to titty streams and those are below the collar and below the waist respectively.

If you want, I can text my girlfriend as to what her opinions are if you want a female shout-out.

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Sure, I'd like to hear a female perspective, thanks user and everyone else in this thread too. It hurts a little less talking about it. A little, but it still helps. He's asleep now but I'm confronting him tomorrow.

The problem isn't that he did it, the problem is that he doesn't care/understand that it bothers you. You have every reason to be upset about what he did, but try to put those feelings aside for a minute and focus on the actual issue. He can't undo what he's done, but can the two of you resolve how he's handled it? Because that's the thing that's going to be a long term issue. If you can't stand up to him and he can't empathise with you, that's a real problem.

It's not about the job, idiot, it's about the fact that he personally used her services. That's like being friends with an ex.

Can I just tell him its her or me? That maybe he doesn't even have to understand why this bothers me so much despite how dumb it is that he doesn't get it, and that if he loved me and respected my feelings he'd cut ties with this woman?

the way you explained it to me here did change my mind a bit, it made me see your side of things. just explain it to your boyfriend this way too and hopefully he can come to the realization himself as to what he did was wrong. but please don't break up over this, it's a complicated situation for us men to understand the nuances of, and it helps us understand when you break it down like this.

My girlfriend straight said that would be a good way to be single. This is coming from a relationship where we both watch porn, too, so it's not like we're rigid prudes.

She stipulates that porn is one thing, a one-off throwaway; adding the personal elements by interacting with her and paying for her to strip and show her assets is a totally different connection to the act.

The critical point is that you're not okay with this. Even if he is, he needs to take steps to understand your point of view and why it's upsetting you.

That's immature desu and will probably just make him even more defensive. You can't just set a precedent of holding your relationship hostage every time you guys have a disagreement. The problem here is you both have shit conflict resolution skills, and now even though you currently have the high ground you're thinking of going nuclear.

So how do I tell him properly?

this right here is the crux of your overreaction. he doesn't want to get into a relationship with this girl like you seem to think he does. it's more like an extended fap session. obviously he would choose you, but he needs to realize why it's bad on his own, otherwise it's just you bossing him around which leads to him not even telling you about these situations in the future.

>a problem
The problem is he decided his girlfriend wasn't cool enough and he needed to pal it up with a stripper.

This isn't "I met someone neato on World of Warcraft and they HAPPEN to strip for money," it's "I found a stripper and now we're all pals" and nobody wonders why that rankles the girlfriend

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FFS how is this different from going to a strip club?

how do I get him to understand? In our argument he really didn't get it at all and resorted to getting super defensive and angry until I finally surrendered myself and backed off.

I'm not diminishing what he did, but issuing an ultimatum is a retarded shortcut that'll just bypass any chance of him understanding WHY what he did was fucked and how to avoid it in the future. Either break up or actually fix the issue.

>going to a strip club while you're in a relationship

The problem is he literally doesn't understand at all and I've tried to ask him to put himself in my shoes with how he'd react if I suddenly decided to be pals with a male stripper who posts his dick all the time and he just didn't see a problem with that. It's not like he's from some super foreign country, he lives in the UK and I doubt britbongs are this fucking stupid.

I can justify a strip club and have heard justifications before.

It's not like the titty stream has good burgers or a nice club sammich. It's not the only place to tap a cold one in oil town, population 200. It's not even a place to sit down and talk to people. A strip club can at least get a pass.

But what exactly are you ordering at a titty stream? Why aren't you and your friends just on Discord, or laughing at them on subreddits if you need to laugh at their expense?

No, visiting a titty stream is pretty singular. I'll give you strip clubs being the same vein of industry but there's at least the possibility of more there. It's got other things. A titty stream is just tons of dudes sitting at home, all watching the same girl strip and treat them like individuals.

It seems like splitting hairs but I can't illustrate the difference super succinctly. Sorry about that.

I just feel like holding the relationship hostage and making him choose is all I can do now, but I know it isn't a healthy way of doing it, but I gotta confront him about this in a way he'll understand and I'm open to alternatives.

The reason he's getting defensive is because you're essentially accusing him of something he didn't do, since he didn't do this for any sort of sexual gratification and didn't even hide it. You can be mad, but you need to meet him halfway and acknowledge that this is reality, he didn't cheat on you and this girl isn't a threat.
Where he fucked up was being inconsiderate of your feelings, that his first instinct when realising he hurt your feelings was to get mad at you for having them. And while that's after-the-fact, it also takes an inconsiderate person to do something like this in the first place without thinking what their girlfriend will think.
Both of you just need to calm down for a minute, figure out why you're mad, and articulate that to each other with open minds.

>he just didn't see a problem with that
That just goes to show why he didn't think anything of it. You can't necessarily hold him to standards that he didn't know existed. Stop thinking of this as a slight against you, and recognise it as a communication issue.

lmao you have no chance at a happy marriage if going to a strip club makes you want to break up. imagine if you had to get through a REAL HURDLE, LIKE AN ACTUAL LIFE STRUGGLE. this is incredibly immature.

Just sit him down and tell him it was in no way acceptable and still isn't. Tell him it's a huge overstepping of your boundaries and makes you very uncomfortable and makes you feel marginalized and unheard. Ask him why he'd even need to do that, why one of the thousand things wouldn't make sense.

And then, you ask him: how would he feel had you gone to a male streamer who stripped for cam, and then brought him into the Discord after you'd seen and presumably admired his naked body?

If the issue is really still up in the air afterward, that's that. You might not ever get through to him, and that's what life is. A constant, never-ending learning experience.

The difference is a strip club has many things, a titty stream is exclusively seeking out a singular girl to get her noodz.

>all I can do now
This might be a crazy idea, but have you tried... talking?!
Not shouting and arguing in the heat of the moment, but just sitting down and unpacking what happened. That's a pretty fucking important skill to have in life, especially with someone you were thinking of spending the rest of your fucking life with. I was on your side a minute ago, but you're being just as immature as him.
Conflict sometimes takes time to resolve, the fact that you're going to such extremes just to get it done 'now, now, now' bodes really grimly for your aptitude for a long term relationship.

>sit down for a mature discussion
>invite a mediator to avoid things getting out of hand
>plot twist, the mediator is a male stripper in a tuxedo thong

the most important post of the night right here. hope you take this advice, it will help you immensely in the future. calm & thoughtful communication is so important.

>But I love him

You sound like a teenager.

I've tried to talk with his man calmly, but he gets full on defensive and its like nothing can get to him. So I grow increasingly frustrated when he immediately starts accusing me of not trusting him and doesn't take into account my emotions. But yes, I'm very socially awkward and not good at talking to people in general, I am part of the problem.

This is the most perfect fucking answer in this entire thread

we are both 21 and very introverted and sheltered

I think I know what I have to do. I will sit him down and voice call him via discord or telegram, because I can't hold this in anymore. I need to talk with him maturely and make him see my point of view. This won't be easy, but I will do this.

If he can’t talk maturely and instead gaslights you, blames you, then you have seen his true nature and need to get out. Your feelings are worth it. Even if he doesn’t agree he should still talk about it with you.

How does this sound?

I’ve tried suppressing my feelings about the interaction you had with that camgirl ever since it happened, but the truth is this is really getting to me and I can’t hold it in anymore. I have been crying on and off for the past 2 and a half days. I am losing sleep over this, and it is affecting my eating habits and studying. I don’t know how you can’t understand that encouraging someone to pay a woman who isn’t in a relationship with you to dance and pose naked for you, join her discord that is full of her nudes, decide to make friends with her, and then allow her into our friend circle wouldn’t get to me emotionally or feel like a betrayal of trust, but this essentially feels like cheating to me and is an overstepping of my boundaries. I love you, and I don’t want everything we’ve been through to end like this. I’d really appreciate it if you could cut ties with this woman for the sake of our relationship. If you want to talk about this more intimately you can call me on discord or telegram, so we can discuss this voice to voice. I just want us to work this out in a mature matter. I can’t keep being afraid of conflict. I know you never intended to hurt me this much and I want to hear your perspective too.

Your bf is a degenerate and you need to drop him
>he's done so much for me
Like inviting a literal whore into your life? Who am I kidding, you're probably just as bad.

He is the only man I have ever slept with so far in my entire life.

>He is the only man I have ever slept with so far
I don't care, you're not married and frankly, given his behavior, you're not likely to stay married even if a wedding does happen. Then it's onto the next guy after a nasty divorce, maybe with a kid in tow, and if averages are any indicator, a long line of other guys until you settle in your 30s.
>so far
Indeed.

You're the posterchild for the delusional behavior that makes marriage such an important standard--"but I love him" is what every single whore tells herself to make her feel good about being impulsive. Of course you'll convince yourself that, since the relationship will 'work out' anyway, it's okay to give him everything. And then you get burned when the fantasy turns out to be just that.

You've backed yourself into a corner with this--you go full in with a guy who turns out to be a manwhore, and if you leave, you're left with coinflip odds of a successful relationship at best. Still, which is best, rewarding outright infidelity (combined with irrational, defensive behavior) and having a relationship without trust, or having a chance at trusting someone else?

Go ahead, try talking to him, as whatever you can salvage from this dumpster fire will be worth it given the circumstances. But I'm not optimistic.

The “i don’t know how you can’t understand” part would be not good if you aren’t trying to start a fight. Don’t accuse or say stuff he could contradict. If you say ‘i feel’ then he can’t argue with that, because you feel it. I would rather do :

“Hey, we need to talk about what happened. This is important to me. I am hurt. I feel hurt that you have [insert what he did]. Based on your actions, i feel [insert whatever]. I feel [sad/] when you [do x thing]. I still want to work this out with you. I would like to see your perspective. What do you propose we should do? What do you think would be the best thing for our relationship?”

Then if he says anything other than “I’m sorry/ I’ll stop hanging out with her/what do you want to do” you have your answer. Your thing was a bit long so it’s best to condense it a bit and say the rest of the stuff after he responds first.

As hard as it will be, you have a point and I am going to dump him if he refuses to listen to me tomorrow. Kind of sucks given he has a flight in a week to my house, but maybe he should've thought about that before he did what he did. I am still very emotionally attached to him though, losing him will be devestating

Thanks, I will fix what I've written with what you have in mind.

>Kind of sucks given he has a flight in a week to my house
Hold up, this is a long distance relationship on top of everything? Honestly this is just one more thing against the prospects of your relationship.
>I am still very emotionally attached to him though, losing him will be devestating
That's to be expected, and in an ideal world there would be better circumstances to the whole thing. Just keep in mind that the worst thing you could do, if this guy doesn't listen and change his behavior, is go for a rebound "relationship". That won't help. Heal at your own pace.

Yeah, I live in the US and he lives in the UK but we visit each other twice a year for a few weeks.
I can't imagine being with anyone else but him so that won't be a problem.

Gotta remind myself tomorrow not to pussy out and when he acts all sweet and sends me flowery texts to not let that lower my defenses.

I've cried so much I'm tired out. I'm probably gonna fall asleep soon, if this thread is still alive tomorrow I'll tell everyone how it went. Thanks to everyone in this thread, you all have really helped me. Anyone who says Jow Forums is a complete shithole hasn't met you anons. Goodnight.

>Anyone who says Jow Forums is a complete shithole hasn't met you anons.
Anyone who says it isn't hasn't met me.
Sleep well.

OP here, he saw my text and responded. He still doesn't entirely get it, but he didn't go on the full defensive and said he somewhat understands why I am so upset now. I responded and am waiting for his respond, he was last online 2 hours ago so may take a while but fingers crossed things are looking better

he still doesn't quite understand but holy fuck hes actually listening and he's upset that it bothers me this much and he's getting rid of her on his social medias

Hang in there user. Relationships are the most difficult part of life.

Are you a latina by any chance?

Nice to see a follow up on here glad that it seems to have worked out

I'm white what does that have to do with anything

There’s nothing wrong with being friends with an ex if you’re an adult kiddo.

He knows why and playing dumb with his denials is like a little boy caught by his mommie. Little boy is the operative word here OP. You are in a relationship with a boy. You can stay and exhaust yourself in an attempt to make him a man or get rid of him and find a real man fully formed.

Joke my ass. When a guy pulls this I never let him touch me again.

He told me about all this directly and casually like he thought I'd find it funny, he could've hidden it from me

He got mad at me and told me he will keep talking about this later and he needs time to cool down

That's progress. He can't help feeling mad any more than you can help feeing upset, what matters is what you both do with that feeling, and he's making a good choice to not burden you with it.

Of course he did because he thinks you are stupid. His blatant disrespect and dismissing it as a joke you'll fall for is actually worse.

I've fell for a guy like this before but they never change. You do what you want though.

I'm going to see where this goes when he calms down and is ready to talk to me again, if he refuses to acknowledge he's wrong its over. But I've basically revolved my life around this man for 3 years, so it won't be easy.

>when he calms down
>revolved my life around this man for 3 years

not trying to be difficult OP but really, this guy calls the shots for you?

he is the first and only man I've ever fallen for

when you go to a strip club, the tits are everywhere, it's a lot less personal

becoming a pet to some queen bee titty streamer and giving her money in hopes of getting something other than tits out of her is something else

worth noting you're 21, and considering getting married anytime before 25 is completely retarded

you both are still babies on the maturity scale, most people in our generation are fucking morons until their mid 20s, and that's when you start to get your shit together.

It's not like you're the only person alive to have had a first love.

But I know it sounds retarded but he gave me a promise ring and everything and he took my virginity and he promised he'd always be there for me and we've shared so much and I just thought he was the one.

hes a boy and you will get over him. I know its hard but not impossible and when you are with a real man it will be so different and easy you'll wonder why you wasted so much time. Instead of constantly explaining away bad behavior the two of you will be working towards your future plans and the only issues are those that get in the way.

Everything reminds me of him, how do I forget? I mean, there is still a chance maybe he'll turn around and next time I speak with him he'll actually apologize, but something tells me he will be too stubborn and I can't live with that

>and next time
and that drags you along for another year and another year and another. you have to know this is a dead end

I told him to speak to me again later today when he's calmed down, I'm not gonna let him wait for weeks or months, we need to continue this today

this is where we last left off

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>discord "hang outs"
>live stream whores become virtual chatroom friends
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
t. "Brooks was here"

thank you

newly revealed secret method to keep your man happy:
1. keep his balls empty
2. keep his stomach full
3. keep your nagging to yourself

This is only about as bad as going to a strip club, I mean its not good, but after you tell him to stop he should stop. You don't have to dump him.

I don't care about him going to a strip club as long as he's not getting a lap dance or something nearly as much as I care about this.

Then you're being dumb?

This is more tame than going to a strip club

Man, OP. I can tell you are barely 18. You both are fucking dumb for not respecting each other.

You should stop bitching, and he should block her from everything

This is a perfect example why social media just fucks everything up.

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Why? As long as he isn't directly interacting with these girls and telling them to sit on his face or strip tease and shit they are just random lewd women

I'm 21 but I do unironically have autism and an anxiety disorder so that may be part of it. He's my age too.

Well don't let that make you stick around with some guy who isn't willing to see things from your perspective, just to appease his own ego and friends.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this, especially not with the pushback you say you're getting from him. This sort of situation shows whether you're really compatible or not.

Sorry to say this, but this is not the guy you're going to be spending the rest of your life with.

Girl talk here, you're 21 and you've got dependency problems with this guy, I've got the whole autism and anxiety disorder cluster too but I would put my foot down if this were to happen. He had a chance to block her when you said you were uncomfortable with it and didn't. You practically spoon feed him what would solve him the problem and nothing came from it.
> I agreed I'd let my guard down for now and that I overreacted, but honestly I just hated arguing with him and was scared of conflict as he was growing increasingly angry.
He wanted to win in a confrontation, got angry when he had no right to be, unless he was hiding something and made you admit that you "overreacted".
>To make it worse, he is a long distance bf and he's visiting me in person in a week, and he picked now to pull this bullshit.
The whole visiting you after making you upset sounds crafty, like he's gonna comfort you and ensure the relationship stays intact because he knows he messed up. I wouldn't want to visit someone I just had a fight with, I'd rather things calmed down first.

Not sure how you want help confronting him, unless you want to say you're dumping him and feel you need back up so he doesn't try manipulating you or something.

>Yeah, I live in the US and he lives in the UK but we visit each other twice a year for a few weeks.
that sounds like more of an issue than some online stripper to be perfectly honest

Read the entire thread
Leave him.

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Im guessing you're both very young, this is pretty much a communication error and difference in values, he is being shitty lying about some things but it seems like he only does it because he doesn't want to make the situation worse.

OP here, in short we worked it out and we both acknowledged each others feelings. We are both pretty hurt by this though so we need some time to cool down. Everything went better then expected.

>we need some time to cool down.
swimming in the atlantic to meet halfway will both take time and cool you down