it's been over a month and a half since my ex abused me for trying to leave while he was changing his mind about breaking up with me. i haven't been able to work... i'm waiting for my MRI results now... i'm having so much pain and it's just getting worse. they say it sounds like nerve damage, discs stuff. my lower back/spine/sides aches, swelling and pain that travels and pulses in my thigh/foot. pins and needles/static feeling. i just keep finding more and more issues, sometimes more intense at different times. a few days ago i was limping, i had a lot of pain in probably the piriformis muscle. has anyone dealt with these issues? i'm coming to terms that he essentially raped me months before.. i have only a lengthy apology from him that night while calling me defiant and a picture of him with my underwear he sent at the scene of it... i'm scared about not being believed even though I have some proof..there's just so much i want to do and i'm scared of being disabled long term... i just want to get better. it's not fair.
and to anyone's knowledge, would my injuries still be considered a misdemeanor charge? i need advice and i plan on getting to a therapist soon too.
adding that i also made a dating profile and had it open for a bit after the incident. but i just couldn't go through with it after trying to get to know someone on there, so i deleted it. this really sucks and i just want to find that right someone and not be taken advantage of like i usually am.. like, i just want to have a family and start a garden and stuff... and with the way my body is right now i don't even know if i can even have sex and enjoy it. ):
Joshua Perry
That's quite alot to go through. Give time some time to heal, first your body must heal then ur mind and then ur heart.
Samuel Wright
First of all get a close friend of family member who you can tell all of this.
Also if you are american, please call the number (pic) as soon as possible.
Regardless of what kind of charges that would be, get a restraining order.
Have someone help you proceed with pressing charges.
I know a great stretch for piriformis that I have seen help many people. Usually its people that have low back issues and full blown sciatica issues that this helps.
Find a piece of furniture that’s about thigh high like a bed. Place your knee on the bed, rotate your femur until the (medial malleolus) inside of your shoe is pointing directly at the ceiling. Take the opposite shoulder and press it towards your knee.
it's really hard because it seems to gets worse at night when i'm supposed to sleep, that's why i posted here partly due to my inability to doze off.. i was on this site the other day and have thought about calling.. been looking up the laws for the state.. there's a no contact order for now minus the adjusted electronic communication.. i tried to plead with him/his family to get him help but his family is in denial and being hurtful.. it's sad because i have so much empathy for others.. i also relocated to a different state. the state is already going against him for the DV. see i was thinking it's sciatica issues but i also have an injury between my shoulders on my back and ribs sometimes hurt too. so i worry bending and stuff could damage that too? it also really hurts to sit in a chair. a doctor at the shelter i was in recommended massage/physical therapy but i'm just now getting a primary doctor in my new location. i've been trying with ice and heat and take otc pain/inflammatory meds and was prescribed muscle relaxers but i think i need something stronger than the otc which is scary i guess. :/
And PLEASE cooperate with the state attorney office! Whatever they want from you. Photos, testimony etc.
I made the huge mistake of not cooperating and the criminal charges were dropped. I felt bad for the guy because he could've gotten deported. I DID obtain a permanent restraining order against him and he was court ordered to an abuser program. I don't think he'll ever complete it or if he does he'll BS his way through it because he still blames me for all of it. I'm beginning to believe the only "cure" for these types is jail. He got off and away with the shit completely yet I'm still suffering with regular headaches due to his abuse and a knee injury. I'm seeing a neurologist for the head pains and just cleared the lab work. She wanted to make sure I was good there before getting me in to the mra + mri of head and neck with and without contrast. It's serious shit but you think the abuser gives a damn? Ha if he found this post and read it I guarantee he'd fap to it he'd be so happy.
Even if he was prosecuted it wouldn't be for anything more than 3 months I think? DV just isn't taken very seriously. Yet there are so many that have to live with the injuries for life.
And final note - give the dating scene a break. Heal you first. You might not know it yet but ptsd can come up. You don't want to bring any garbage into your next relationship. Not fair to the next guy or you.
Andrew Sullivan
lol
Jacob Sanders
You're a douche. A used one at that.
Wyatt Cruz
And PLEASE tell the police that you are fully willing to cooperate with the state attorney’s office! Whatever they want from you. Photos, testimony etc. have them type that in all caps on the report!
Aaron White
Wow Part 2 of all of those blacked threads
William Carter
I think it's past the statue of time at this point. It's been 8 months since last violent incident. My family really wants me to pursue it again too. Honestly I was not going to do it unless the test results from the mri came back with something that I need surgery to have corrected. Then I'll probably pursue it then.
Blake Ward
i'm OP ya dingus oh i'm cooperating... i just sent in over 50 messages where he basically admits to a plethora of issues and his substance abuse and anger/possesiveness throughout the relationship. a lady at the shelter when i was there coined him as a narcissist, my friend thinks he's a sociopath. it really fucking sad. he needs help. i'm focusing on selflove right now and starting all over, so i won't be looking for a partner any time soon. he actually got bigmad when he found out I was with a v darkskinned friend he didn't like before him. very insecure and scary.
Cooper King
There's exactly one way to deal with abusers if you're not going to beat the everliving actual shit out of them, and that's turning them in to authorities.
As for you, take time. Learn the things you enjoy again and enjoy a life of a little quiet. Ask friends to hang out and reach out to social groups to connect. Whatever you do, avoid dating and solo situations.
Angel Wilson
i'm trying. i'm trying to get back into art. sketching a portrait now to further my skills after being so depressed. and i missed out on a halloween party due to my injuries worsening :( I'm basically lying in bed/light walking here and there but i find there's almost a grinding like teeth issue happening around one side of my v-line when i walk sometimes. and the side of my groin area feels a little hurt/weird at times so that bothers me too.
Jacob Thompson
I called him a narcissist when I was in shelter/therapy and she was like "This is much further beyond a simple narcissist. And that episode was not a basic abuse cycle. From what you're telling me it sounded like he was psychotic."
That was the one time he held me captive in the house, set a timer of five minutes on his cell phone and calmly told me he was going to kill me when the time was up. I begged for my life hysterically and he told me to "Shhh it'll all be over soon. You'll never see your kids again." And he choked me until I blacked out. I came to idk how much time later and when I did he repeated the process. He did this until I ran out the door barefoot and to safety. Yeah I thought he needed help to but you know, I'm not so sure there is really a way to help him? I think he's just a ticking bomb.
John Cooper
Lol I love this post. I could never beat him like he did me. In the beginning, I tried to fight back but it never helped me and only angered him. The last two years I fully gave up any physical retaliation.
Jason Nguyen
are you ? sorry that you went through it too.
i worry that my groin area is really hurt and i'm scaring myself of reproductive issues. my head feels warm to the touch i think too. this is all so overwhelming.
Elijah Barnes
Yes I'm the same poster. It sucked but I'm out, alive and able to function enough to be a single mum, work full time and online school in the evenings.
I'm healing along with my son. We both sleep a lot better at night, which is huge! He's thriving and progressing nicely. I get great feedback from the school. He's in therapy too. I'm in therapy. We're both doing well. Except for the sporadic times when the abuser reaches out to one of my family or friends or like today I was told he tried to join my son's class group app on the phone that the teacher runs (he has to stay 500ft away from his school as written in the protective order) and the teacher removed him, again. Aside from these periodic annoyances, it's very peaceful and healing for both of us. And I'm getting very because something like him trying this again didn't upset like it used to. I guess he'll just continue to do this indefinitely or until he gets a lawyer to take his case. Which is fine because I'm prepared for that.
It gets better the further out you are from it. I'm only 7 or so months out but with each passing one I feel my strength and sanity return! Oh and happiness is now the norm. I didn't realize I was smiling today checking out at the store until the cashier asked me why I was smiling. I really had no other answer other than what I was buying my son made me smile and how happy I felt with life.
Adrian Morris
Is your family or friends supportive? This is key in healing and moving forward. I couldn't do it without my parents and siblings. I finally let them in on what was actually going on with my abuser and they were livid. It really helps to have the support outside of the shelter.
Jose Campbell
i'm glad things are getting better for you and your son. i also was barefoot and without my belongings when the incident happened, purse and all. i got most everything back from his house the next day after they arrested him, minus a sketchbook i had and that really hurt. I think i was going through or still am going through PTSD or acute stress, i cry at night because of it and find myself having unpleasant dreams about my old relationship. about him cheating, flaunting his promiscuity, about his mixed signals and how i still can't date and he is all over other women as if nothing happened. kind of... my parents went through DV too with eachother and my mom had it when she was growing up with her dad/step mom. all my mom does is ask for money for her issues and will be unintentionally oblivious and hurt my feelings by mentioning his friends and comparing them to her old ex for example, bringing up things i don't want to hear. my dad is.. i hate to be be weird but kind of a loner and takes on a more... on a sexist, asian side of him and kinda blamed me for even "riling" my ex up to that point at first, even though all i did when we were breaking up was talk on the phone when i was sad to a family member. i'm in need of more friends because i lost touch with a lot of them, and trying to touch base with them again it's kinda embarassing. my bestfriend is states away. my ex didn't want me to have my own friends and actively tried to shut my bestfriend out of our lives.
Jacob Smith
Wow. That really sucks. :( Break the cycle now! For you. Be who you need right now. Make sure you continue to learn all you can about DV and look for signs. I have a history of these type of relationships but I've never taken the time to really heal and LEARN what I needed to so it will never happen to me again. I'm getting that now though. Finally. I isolated myself too from a portion of my family. Aunt and cousins awhile back mostly because it was embarrassing and I felt a lot of shame about it. Plus he was friends with my cousins. That's how I met him. After it all went down, some of them took his side. I stay away completely from them. Then he moved onto some of my other friends. I ended up removing anyone and everyone who had any connection with him or entertained him. That didn't leave me with much. I've slowly started to rebuild and it's given me the opportunity to get closer with my parents. I've never had this before so it's really nice. I also have brothers who I'm connecting with a lot more. I keep my circle small and I trust those that are close with me now. It brings me a lot of peace. I know what to look for now. I'm addicted to a peaceful home and I won't allow anyone to come here and ruin that. I wish you the best! You can do this.
Thomas Nguyen
I think this is my third relationship with someone so unstable. i hate conflict and try to deescalate situations as much as i can, or almost shut down and get scared when people throw things and get angry. i get sucked in, unknowingly i guess, and later think i could help them heal and grow but it's just not how it works. that's so crazy how some of your family reacted to the abuse.. i also ridded my facebook from any friends i had in common with my most recent ex, i was scared and confused during the no contact process and really hurt, feeling like they were being two faced and not listening to me saying he needed to seek therapy, etc. i'm proud of your progress user.
Bentley Morales
i'm still up from the pain tonight too, sigh
i really am kind of scared it could become a kavanaugh/ford thing with the political ties... and that's why i wanna go foward with charges soon kinda... but i'm scared for some reason, even if i'm states away. i feel really bad this happened with someone that was supposed to love and protect me. he made me feel so bad. i didn't want sex in that way and it was forced halfway in. he got so angry when i pleaded for him to stop, he was so mad, he questioned my history before all this happened..i did it before with someone in the past but i didn't like it then either...
I'm not qualified to give advice here, but I wish you the best.
James Wood
thank you! i'm still struggling to sleep but i might look into melatonin to see if it helps. my mind goes all over the place late at night/early in the morning.
Eli Harris
I use an over the counter sleep aid sometimes. Benadryl or unisom. Also when you're feeling up to it, try to do some typeof physical activity. That will help with healing and sleep. Even if it's just going for a walk. Swimming is low impact too.
Oliver Nguyen
I have been getting up here and there to walk, it just concerns me when i get that grinding feeling inside by my v-line, and when my butt bone is sore/tender. it's really weird and the pain comes at goes. i think my hip or something is placed funny now.
i had another dream about him, it was kind of weird. it was trial but held outside one of the houses in my childhood neighborhood, and i was at my old house down the street a bit, telling my little brother to stop smoking weed outside because of the court cops up the street and for his asthma. for some reason my other ex, the one i lost my virginity to and was my first real relationship was also sitting up the street with his brother, waiting for it to begin. i often find myself taking a mother role which is evident later in the dream, i guess, for confronting a bullying kid targeting my brother's friend by grabbing him to present to his dad to scold. i wish the dreams would stop, it's just painful reminders.
The dreams can be haunting. I dreamt of him back in June or July I think it was? And I was just going about my life as usual and all of a sudden he appeared next to me. It took me by surprise and I quickly looked around my surroundings.
That's just something they teach you at the women shelter : safety safety safety. When I realized that we were alone and the surroundings benefited him to do whatever he wanted to me, I just looked at him and asked, "you're going to kill me aren't you?"
He just looked at me, smiled and was kind of cocky and said "Yeah" with a head nod. It was chilling to say that least but internally I felt defeated and resigned to my fate. So my response was just "well fuck." I knew those were my last moments.
I don't know what happened next or what I dreamed about after but that moment of dream I'll never forget and when I was awake I was upset with myself for giving up like that.
I took to online videos and have studied self defense. If that dream ever became a reality, I'd fight with my last breathe if needed. No problem popping an eye out of socket! I'd give it my all. There is no way I'm going down like that.
Since I've had other dreams about him. It's always bothersome because it's like I'm actually with him for a short time. It doesn't matter if it's a good dream or not, it's never easy.
Luis Barnes
my dreams got me fucked up. i used to be able to have lucid dreams a lot and control things, wish it would happen now. had sleep paralysis the other night and i was frozen and tried but just couldn't scream. scary stuff.
i'm also interested in getting to learn self defense moves, and have really been thinking about learning how to handle a gun for concealed carry. i'm just really upset because this court process is taking a lot longer than planned, with my ex's private attorney trying to continue it i guess.
Camden Edwards
Omg yes! I was actually considering getting a gun to carry at all times but the problem is it would not be worth the danger to my son. So for now, I decided against it. I'm looking into other devices for safety and haven't ruled them out yet.
All I know is, I will never NEVER hold back any more. Ha I don't think he'd be expecting that because I hadn't fought back for years - I would fight as unfair and as lethal as I need to. He wouldn't be expecting that.
The dreams will get better over time. There in the beginning he was a regular in mine. It lessened in time. I did some energy cutting to help. Mentally just pictured cutting the energy/soul ties I had with him. If you believe in that stuff look it up online and it can help guide you in the process. Even if it's all just mumbojumbo, it's an empowering exercise and helps YOU to feel in charge. It actually helped me a lot early on.
The legal process felt like it took FOREVER when I was waiting for the restraining order and hearing. May was a very very long month. I had so many people trying to convince me to get a restraining order against him but I wasn't sure about it but there was an accidental sighting of him on the highway. We made eye contact for a second and the rage/hatred/darkness that was there, in that one look was all I needed to firmly decide what direction I needed to take. I'm glad I did too.
