Sticking up for myself in my relationship

>Again, I think because of her mother. It would be awkward if she came to see only me and not her mother who lives 10 minutes away. It might cause drama.

Meet her in the middle. Get a hotel out of town and spend the weekend together.

Again I ask, what are you actually doing to solve th issue? Inviting her over doesn't solve the issue, you know why it won't work, and instead of finding a solution you say she is being irrational.

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is irrational. You are annoying yourself.

Dude, you're missing the whole entire fucking point. I can't just up and leave where I am right now. I work 3-4 days a week. I spend two entire days on campus. The one day I get off a week is spent cramming in as much studying as I can to maintain my GPA.

Spending a weekend together sounds great! I just don't get weekends off. I wish I did. If I did, I would go up to see her every fucking weekend. I just can't do that. I can't. I have a job. I have grades to achieve. I have responsibilities to myself, my family, my work team, and my relationship. I am balancing it all to the best of my current capabilities.

I would love to go spend a weekend with her. You have no idea how much I miss this woman. But I can't. Not at this very moment. The only way I can find weekends to see her is when I request time off work, get it approved, set the plans with her, study extra so I don't fall behind, and boom we are together. That is how a responsible person would do this shit. I refuse to be petulant and a brat and force a situation I want. The consequences could be dire, and frankly that kind of behavior is below me. You can't always have what you want in life right when you want it. It's not how life works. Sometimes you have to struggle for a bit to earn a reward.

So, you can't leave Saturday night, spend the night with her, go out Sunday, and then be back by Monday?

Would that really be such a big deal when you have your own car that you work so hard to keep?

If I didn't need sleep, that would be very possible. Also, shifts start at 6:00am on the weekend usually for me in the future. Shifts end at 10:30pm on week days. It's a bit screwy, but it is the time slot they seem to want me in.
This is also assuming I even get a Saturday/Sunday off, mind you. I don't see that happening very often. They really need me on weekends.
I'll use this upcomming weekend as an example for you.

I work a closing shift on a Friday. I get off at 10:30, drive ~6 hours to get to her. sleep for ~7 hours. Wake up at 11:30 or noon. Spend a few hours with her. Drive back for my opening shift at 6:00am on a sunday. That sounds amazing!

Or, if we are patient, and we allow me to get time off using my work's system..

I go to work during weekdays. I get off Saturday and Sunday. Maybe even Monday because my boss loves me because I've been showing up for shifts and even filling in for call-outs.

I fly/drive up there on a Friday night or Saturday morning. I get an entire weekend with her that isn't a hastle/pain in the ass. Nor does it feel rushed.

It's also a lot more considerate of my school. Midterms out my ass at the moment. One or two each week this entire month. Fun stuff.

Or, if she really needs to see me, she can just take me up on my offer and come down to see me all of these (open) weekends she has. She's going to have to face her mother at some point. I respect it isn't easy for her, but life rarely is easy.

I guess I'm just having issues understanding why she can't see how busy my schedule is when I explain things to her. That I am not some superhuman that can run on zero sleep. That I am genuinely trying my best to see her given my current situation. And it is breaking my heart how harsh she is being towards me. It really is. because she makes me feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. When everybody, especially my friends on campus and at work, say I am a stand up guy.

>I work a closing shift on a Friday. I get off at 10:30, drive ~6 hours to get to her. sleep for ~7 hours. Wake up at 11:30 or noon. Spend a few hours with her. Drive back for my opening shift at 6:00am on a sunday. That sounds amazing!

Dipshit, you love being condescending, so I'll do the same.

You have two problems: You can't go to her because of the time, she can't get to you because of her mother, right?

Pick a hotel 2 hours away from your home, meet her there, have 10 to 16 hours together, and be done with it. She would probably blow off a class or two if your free day is during the week.

Stop making excuses and saying you don't have options, you have options. You have a car and money to do this shit, or else this job is not worth the effort. You don't need to do it every week. Not even once a month. But you could try to see her.

>I guess I'm just having issues understanding why she can't see how busy my schedule is when I explain things to her.

> That I am genuinely trying my best to see her given my current situation.

No, you are not. I offered you a solution in what, less than an hour of thought? She wants to avoid her mom, you want a short trip, so pick a place closer to your home but far from her mother's. As I said, 2 hours away. Can't you drive that?

>I work a closing shift on a Friday. I get off at 10:30, drive ~6 hours to get to her. sleep for ~7 hours. Wake up at 11:30 or noon. Spend a few hours with her. Drive back for my opening shift at 6:00am on a sunday. That sounds amazing!

You work a closing shift on a Friday. You get off at 10:30, drive 2 hours to get to her. Go to a late dinner, then sex, sleep for ~7 hours. Wake up at 11:30 or noon (you had 4 hours for dinner/sex in this new plan). Spend a few hours with her. Drive back at 6 after spending six hours with her eating breakfast, going out, etc. Be home by 9 p.m. at most.

How's that sound?

If she will meet up with me for that, it sounds amazing. Shit, I'll even message her right now with said plan. She hasn't seemed too keen on driving to be honest. Maybe she is willing to now. I've brought us meeting half way in the past and she kind of blew it off. Or she wasn't paying attention and forgot.

I hope this works because I really miss her.

Good luck man, and remember, the same way you feel overwhelmed, so does she. Don't take it out on her.

I only felt overwhelmed when she sprang this up on me the other day. Thanks.

She probably didn't like the way you kept asking her to come home knowing why she was saying "no", either, but this is not about blame. It's the opposite.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and you need to see what you bring to it, good and bad.

Yeah. I was kind of bumbed. I managed to get the Friday after Valentines off. And I was looking to skip my classes that Thursday but I have a stinkingggg midterm ;.; My night class too. Life is a pain.

Hey, I thought about something. Maybe her mom cut her off and she can't travel far. Make sure she has the money for this. Maybe that's why she isn't going to see you.

It's not a money issue. her relationship is solid with her mom.

I actually talked to her about the meeting half way thing. She got even more mad at me. Calling me an idiot and not thinking at all. Telling me now she doesn't want to see me or need me or miss me. So, as I thought might happen, me trying to find some compromise made things worse.

I'm at such a loss as to how to fix this situation. I don't feel like it is a me thing at this point. She's flipping on me like a flapjack in a frying pan. One second she needs to see me. The next (now) it's she doesn't need to see me. I'm so confused. lol.

>So, as I thought might happen, me trying to find some compromise made things worse.

>I don't feel like it is a me thing at this point.

Hope you are right. It would be very bad for you to walk out of this thinking you did no wrong if you actually did something wrong.

I assume you didn't just text your shy, lonely girlfriend out of the blue with a huge plan, but instead asked about her first, try to see how she is doing, made sure it was the right moment to make a plan and made sure you are not bothering her after a bad exam or something, right?

>It's not a money issue. her relationship is solid with her mom.

I thought she hated her mom and practically run away to college. I wouldn't call that solid.

She loves her mom. I just think the way her mom relies on her for everything to the ^nth degree is tiresome for her. It reminds me of indentured servitude, except the contract is never ending. That's not how parenting should be.

I didn't make it seem like a big plan in the text from my perspective. Just said I had found a couple ways we might be able to see one another. Told them to her as nonchalantly as a text can be. No biggie. No stress. Just let me know if it works.

This entire mess is getting more and more ridiculous to me, man. Every time I try to do something that might "help" the situation, or even offer a possible alternative, it gets worse.

The more she acts emotionally/ridiculously/flames me, the more less I care. Nobody deserves to be talked to how she is talking to me now. I am thinking it might be best if I don't talk to her for a while and just let her mellow out. If her goal has been to push me away, she is accomplishing it.

(and because I can see you trying to find another hole in my situation, yes I tried talking to her on the phone. No. She wont. She doesn't like talking on the phone.)

i didn't proof read this.. my bad. Studying atm.

>Nobody deserves to be talked to how she is talking to me now

You sure about that? You wrote a big post but didn't reply to my question. Did you ease into the conversation to make sure it was a good time to have it, or not?

You love telling me how stressed work and uni is making you, but she is by herself, away from home, trying to break out of a co-dependent relationship while her boyfriend is not close to her. The funny part about co-dependent people is the "co-" part. It messes both people up. It's not only the mom.

Think about your part in all of this. Think about what you do, or should do, as much as you think about what she does or should do. Don't make it all about her faults. Look at yourself, too.

Only shitty people give ultimatums like that.

Always remember you are missing half the story on this board.

>So, as I thought might happen, me trying to find some compromise made things worse
>This entire mess is getting more and more ridiculous to me, man. Every time I try to do something that might "help" the situation, or even offer a possible alternative, it gets worse.
I suspect you guys haven’t really fought before because it sounds like neither of you are able to communicate or compromise effectively. And yeah she may be unreasonably upset about the compromise, but that’s what anger does. It makes you irrational. Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand why she’s mad about this whole issue. Talk to her later today when she’s had time to calm down. Don’t attack her, don’t play the victim like you’ve been doing here, don’t be all passive aggressive about it. Actually try to resolve the problem without getting mad at her. She may get mad again and say something nasty, but don’t let it affect you.

Sure enough, but ultimatums are kind of the "nuclear" option. I firmly believe there is always compromise (unless it's drugs, abuse, ect.)

He is the one saying he doesn't care, maybe she is trying to get a reaciton out of him because he is acting like a block of ice.

Don't take OP at face value.

Read the second line of my post you said I "didn't answer your question in". Lol. Listen, I'm not trying to sound condescending here, but you are terrible at playing devil's advocate.

We've fought before. We've been together for quite a while. It is just our first fight when LDR. So it is adding a brilliant new flavor to the fight.

I have never said I don't care, just that I am getting to that point. There is a huge difference between not caring and progressing to not caring. It's like saying someone who is dying is dead. It doesn't make sense.

Or very stressed people, which she is. Which is why I am trying my best not to take it too seriously.

>I didn't make it seem like a big plan in the text from my perspective. Just said I had found a couple ways we might be able to see one another. Told them to her as nonchalantly as a text can be. No biggie. No stress. Just let me know if it works.

Yeah, I read it. You just said it out of the blue, even though it's a sensitive topic that has been eating away at your relationship.

Do you think that was a good idea? You don't even know if she has the money to travel. You think she does, but you don't know.

Money isn't an issue in our relationship, friend. You keep trying to base your arguments against me by blowing smoke and inferring things about my life. Things you have no way of knowing. It's now annoying me.

I don't mind footing the bill in the unlikely event she doesn't want to. She knows that. In fact a ground rule has always been when we get together I will pay for the entire thing because her cost of living is higher than mine. By a long shot.

In fact I don't think I ever once mentioned money as an issue in this entire post. So I don't know why you brought it up. All I've mentioned is time being an issue.

Can you stop? Please?

>I don't mind footing the bill in the unlikely event she doesn't want to.

So you haven't talked about that.

>She knows that.

You think she does. You started this thread complaining about how hard you have to work to have what you have.

>In fact I don't think I ever once mentioned money as an issue in this entire post. So I don't know why you brought it up. All I've mentioned is time being an issue.

I brought it up because it's a possible reason for her to avoid travelling to you and getting mad when you mentioned it. You assumed it was about her mom, but again, you don't know. You didn't talk about it with her.

I don't know if money is an issue, but I can't find out. You can. You can find out why she doesn't want to travel. Why she wants you to go there. Her mother could be an option. Lack of money would be another. Maybe it's something else I haven't thought about.

But the only way to know is to ask. user above is right, it sounds like you two are not talking about the situation.

Okay, but if I didn't mention money issues in the entire post, is it not a stretch to assume such? I am trying to narrow down a specific area in my relationship and seek advice on it.

You're blowing smoke out of your ass making accusations that have nothing to do with the topic. It's annoying.

You're making such large stretches to try and make a point that, in all reality, doesn't apply to my relationship. Again read my post. Do you lack reading comprehension?

Read the second to last section of my very post in this thread. "I told her I will do my...."

I think this guy had the right idea. I just sit here and let her mull it over. I think I'm just going to ignore you if you keep making baseless comments.

>You're making such large stretches to try and make a point that, in all reality, doesn't apply to my relationship. Again read my post. Do you lack reading comprehension?

She doesn't want to travel to town. She doesn't want to travel close to town. Maybe she can't travel? How is that a stretch?

> I told her I will do my best to drive/fly up to see her when I get my days off at work.

Yeah, but we are talking about HER travelling to YOU. Do you have reading comprehension?

Maybe she doesn't want to admit she doesn't have the money. Maybe her mom cut her off. Maybe she was scammed. Maybe she wasted it. There are a thousand maybes and the only person that can find out, you, doesn't want to ask the questions.

You can find out why she doesn't want to travel if you try. But hey, listen only to the yes men and ignore anyone that challenges your ideas. That's a healthy way to live.