ITT Suicidal People

I just stopped being able to look forward to anything. I can't keep lying to myself and telling myself that it'll be okay if I just work hard enough, or that maybe something good will come along once in a while. I've lived a long and stubborn life of trying to push myself so I'll never fall behind, and in the end it's never enough. It all just crumbles. Nothing I can ever do is enough. I guess some people are not destined to be happy, or even just okay. My days are a constant struggle to keep my mind distracted from the miserable reality that spins me into crippling bouts of depression. Life is a living hell and the only sweet relief I get out of this anymore is the knowledge that someday this life, along with all my misery, will necessarily end. And that's an incredibly heartwarming feeling.

I was suicidal until I lurked Jow Forums choked on redpills and took the black pill. Then read SIEGE and Mein Kampf. Now I dont think about ending my life anymore.

I'm so closed off emotionally from other people that I can't even make friends online anymore because I'm afraid to open up or relate. Even through text I eventually come off as weird and anxious. Sometimes the loneliness will make me reach out to existing online acquaintances but I always regret it sooner or later. I never really have much to say anyway.

irl I look pretty normal, until you talk to me and slowly over the course of getting to know me come to realize I'm an anxious mess. It manifests differently depending on who I'm speaking to or may not show up at all. In my youth I could always tell people treated me differently and went a little mad trying to figure out why. I've been working on this problem for at least a decade and my life has only "improved" in all the ways that don't matter.

I'm just burnt out. I've accepted I'm a broken person and don't see much of a future for myself aside from being a money making robot who goes back to a quiet apartment after a long day to stare at a wall until it's time to work again. I'm a disappointment to my parents and an all around weak human being who is tired of trying.

Pic related. I'm not a quitter but I know when to cut my losses.

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Have you ever been to the park, and seen a piece of bread tossed to the ducks. The ducks come, and pick apart what they want. Next, the fish eat up the little bits. Finally what ever is left disolves into nothingness. I am that piece of bread.

And once you have dissolved into the very soil beneath the lake, you become the essence of life, raw primordial loam with endless possibility. A life anew.
Plus you made some happy ducks!

I'm a 2/10, 5'8-5'9 (really not sure), kissless virgin. I really have no end game, even if I somehow money maxx the best I could hope for is buying whores and enjoying drugs but in reality even that's a stretch considering how I'm too stupid to every really make good money. I'm still young, which makes me want to leave all the more since I wont have to go through the worst of it, I feel like cutting my losses might be ideal. It Feels bad.

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>Deep sense to avoid interpersonal relationships as to avoid feelings of vulnerability
>Social isolation
>Dissatisfaction with modern society prompting total withdrawal
>Escapism (Drugs and alcohol, vidya and animays)
>Difficulty trusting others
Too real

I think we're just timebombs at this point because things only get worse.

I've had suicidal thoughts for such a long time. I tried a couple times, but not succesful, obv.

It's hard to tell why. Maybe my upbringing. Wasn't abused, just grew up in a super poor and illiterate family. I was in an accident when I was 5, fucked up my right hand forever.

I'm 29 now, and still quite depressed. I don't have the suicidal thoughts like I used to, now I just struggle with them, mostly if I'm drunk... I have a son so itd be irresponsible to actually follow through.

I have a deep resentment for most of the people who post in these threads.

Body issues can be fixed through will alone, it just takes time and effort. Anxiety and depression responds extremely well to therapy and patience. Heartbreak and loneliness are temporary. Even schizophrenia and psychosis can be treated and medicated. Honestly, you all just need to get over yourselves. Go to therapy, sign up for the gym, get on tinder, take acid, just do what you fucking need to do or lol yourself, but stop bitching and moaning.

But autism can't be treated. It can't be medicated. Therapists will tell you to embrace it, to let it consume you, to drown in the dark abyss of insanity. It will haunt you for the entirety of your life in spite of every effort, every coping mechanism, every friend and loved one- no matter; it will consume them all and stay hungry. It will devour your entire life and fuck you into the ground for as long as you live.

There is a reason that the suicide rate for autists exceeds that of normal people by a factor of ten, surpassing even transgenders and schizos. There is a reason that 67% of autists contemplate or attempt suicide as opposed to a mere 15% of normal people. There is a reason that the average lifespan of people with autism that is comorbid with another disorder like ADHD, epilepsy, or tourrets, all of which you are more likely to have as an autist, is ten years lower than that of the worst third world country.

Imagine not only never being able to look another person in the eye and experiencing physical pain when you do so, but not even being able to understand that there is a person behind those eyes. Imagine never being able to converse with your family who loves you. Imagine never being able to look at your own mother. Imagine a lifetime of barely holding it together, of ostracism, alienation, and self-loathing. Try to imagine, if you can. I doubt you can grasp what it's like any more than I can grasp normalcy.

None of you get it.

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I used to think about killing myself pretty much non stop. Every time I picked up a knife or my razor or saw a bus driving past me on the street I had an urge to just end it. I didn't feel sad but I felt empty. I had friends but none of them were really similar to me so I still felt completely alone. Then one day I met someone who was similar to me. At first it was incredibly awkward because we are both very introverted people and she had social anxiety. The first time we were alone together we probably said a combined 15 words in half an hour but after being around each other a few times we started opening up and it got easier. That's when we learned how similar we are. We liked a lot of the same things, we had similar personality types (her being INTP while I am ISTP) but most importantly we thought similarly. We understood each other. She could tell right away if I was having a bad day while everyone else just thought I was tired. Pic related. I didn't feel completely alone anymore. From that point onward it has all been uphill. Its been about 2.5 years since we met and I don't see her very often these days but that's alright. She helped get me to a point where I am alright on my own. She has come a long way since we met as well.

That's my story. Take from it what you will.

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I have had a brain illness for four years, once I am diagnosed I plan to overdose on a drug cocktail, right now I only have 25mg hydrocodone which is not enough but I am looking into getting more.

My reason for suicide is that I am a Loner, Loser, Incel, Autistic, with a degenerative brain condition.

I not only believe that sick people have a right to die but also anybody else who is sick of life

personally my only future is retail which I cannot bare and I'm making no progress in my hobbies because I'm at that point where I need to put in work to get to the next level but i have no discipline. It all seems so pointless I have no ambitions in life.
I have the thoughts everyday usually morning on the way to wageslaving and at night before I sleep, sometimes during the day too. I literally lose all energy and hope, I become bitter and sad and think about not going to work or leaving before my shift is over and looking for a way to kms, only reason I havent done it to be honest is I don't want to hurt my family and there might be some potential for me to someday get good at something i like which will make the burden of living easier, because that one thing makes you happy you know?
Any how I'm trying to start studying for the A+ to get certification since I like technology and have some experience with network shit but everyday I delay it. I really hate myself I'm a god dam worthless fuck
10/10 wouldnt be friends with myself

I have really bad insecurity issues which fuck over my relationships and leads to anxiety about losing my girlfriend and that leads to depression and it's all just too much to never be happy because your fucking mind is always worried and making shit up and I want to die and make it stop.

2/10
that means you are fat, lose weight it will do you wonders

>Not having close friends
>Just cannot function when stressed,during times like this always think how everyone hates me, including my family, even though that's not the case.
>Not enjoying useless chitchat means being Avoidant >>> More feelings of loneliness
>Have to retake a class, which means I will finish college a month later(that is If i pass it)

The last one has absolutely devastated me, as I was actually enjoying my major, but depression and laziness has fucked me In the ass in the end.

"There's something sublime about the fact that after you die, eternity will go by in what feels like less than the blink of an eye. Your heart will beat for the last time, and before you know it, the universe has gone into heat death."

It's thoughts like these that make me sleep 13 hours a night, just to get a taste of no longer being conscious. I have bipolar disorder, and for the past month, I've been having what psychiatrists call a Major Depressive Episode, which is a fancy term for 'mind fuck'.

The interesting thing about bipolar is that the mind fuck is temporary. After a month or two of severe depression, I will inevitably come to my senses and start to think rationally for a few days. I'll realize that (at the risk of sounding like a bodacious cunt) I'm genuinely a smart, attractive young man with so much to live for... and I look back and think "God, I was so fucking edgy! Wow"... meanwhile being totally oblivious to the fact that the depressive phase will inevitably return with a vengeance in a week or two.

But in the meantime, I enter a phase that the psychiatrists call hypomania, which basically means 'happy mind fuck'. The best way I can describe it is... it's pretty exactly like being high, except I'm 100% sober, and it causes me to do some pretty fucked up shit, that (although I'm not suicidal when hypomanic), puts my safety at risk. For example, when I was 15 I impulsively run a marathon at 4 am after 30 minutes of sleep... I also tend to binge practice my violin for 8 hours or until my fingers bleed... I spend money compulsively...

and I overstimulate myself to the point where I have these MASSIVE panic attacks (and by 'massive', I mean literally laying on the ground curled up in a ball hyperventilating for 2 hours straight). The panic attacks are part of my anxiety disorder, and they're absolutely debilitating.

The panic attacks cue the onset of the next depressive phase. And the vicious cycle repeats.

too much sleep is just as unhealthy as too little sleep

~7 hours is the bar

sleep 13 hours and it's like you actually got 2 hours of rest

How can people sleep like that, don't you have shit to do? Aren't u you slightly responsible for your life? Oversleepers truly disgust me

God, it's 2019, is this your first fucking day on the internet?
Why the fuck is someone like you even on Jow Forums or Jow Forums at all?

When I'm depressed I fall asleep at around dinner time, and get up at a time that's normal for most people. I get my shit done in good time.

Because when I get depressed I become irritated and always criticise myself, what went wrong, what could I have done and what should I do in the future. Oversleepers don't seem to worry idk cuz they sleep all day

>idk cuz
I repeat:
Why the fuck is someone like you even on Jow Forums or Jow Forums at all?

>REEEE get out MUH board normie
If this is how you think, you should unironically kill yourself. You are not depressed, just mentally retarded

My brother killed himself yesterday. Don't do it anons.
Someone out there cares for you. I'd give anything to talk to him again...

I just want to be normal. And not a total screw up.

>my feelings matter more than his
Yikes. The normgroids never cease to amaze, even though it's been the same talking points for several years now. I just assume that maybe this time they'll grow some empathy or something. Nope.

I can convince myself to stick around. For example, my wildest hope is that I can establish a monarchy from the ashes of the old USA. I realize how unrealistic this is, but it's all I have. That, or moving to Alaska and being alone until I die.
I started a thread the other day explaining I have a very passive wish that a bus or something would just kill me without my notice. This would mean I don't have to rationalize and do the work myself, but I'd still be dead. Regardless, I teeter between having hope and extreme indifference. Only occasionally do I slip into actively wanting to kill myself. I think I can says it's been close to a year

For the past semester at uni, I tried my best to be happy. I ate healthy, I ve done yoga, meditation, been programming. I helped homeless people, I tried to do as much good as I could. I also made a great friend, a person who at least tries to understand me.
But lately, I ran out of strength. I had a mental breakdown, I realized that all my values(love, loyalty, "goodness") are worthless to other people. Everyone is running after money, sex, drugs. To me it all is harmful and pointless. But that fact, that i'm alone, crushed me. I failed suicide twice, one time my buddy pulled me from the street miliseconds before truck came and second time i vomited everything.
The worst thing about all this crisis is that I feel something for my friend. I know that cannot be with her now because it will hurt both of us. And I'm terribly scared of bonding with people.

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It's scary how much all of this posts hit home, even scarier the amount of people feeling this way.
On my best days, I contemplate suicide 3 times a day. Won't even mention my worst days.
Why I haven't done anything? Big part because I am coward and I don't want to bother and disturb my family if/when I do commit it.
What keeps me going? Beside of fact to not to disappoint/disturb my family, not much. Trying to trick my brain basically. Even though meds are helpful, I feel like they are short term solution. Last couple of months, I am trying to convince myself that life is basically bundle of trials and errors, nothing more. Basically, I feel like that is the meaning of life. And forcing oneself not to give up after failures and disappointment. Trying to make that failures as a motivation to move on and lessons learned. And allowing oneself to be reminded to breathe on hard days because eventually they will pass.
Because, maybe, just maybe, I hope that I will be proven wrong, that there is more to life.
In the mean time, I am just existing. Trying to live by this method.

wanna play smth blood drinker?

I resemble that worm which crawls through dust,
Lives in the dust, eats dust
Until a passerby's foot crushes it.

Honestly i don't play much vidya lately, this meme keyboard is best i could get for 40€.
But you can add me on discord: sadcommie#4311

I'm psychologically damaged and love unconditionally. No, literally. I can't stop, even if I want to, and I met a girl who called me her soulmate. It was incredible... until she changed her mind.

I still see her in my dreams, and I'm just so fucking tired. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it hurts so fucking much, and it won't stop... I may not be suicidal yet, but... I do want to die.

I hate humanity, myself included. I'm tried of being hurt by people I care about, and just by people in general. They all hold up facades, and pretend to be nice and good, but really they are doing it for themselves, just to please themselves about being a good and nice person. The truth is that human nature is just as cruel and viscious as the animals you see on nature documentaries. I can't stand being on this Earth anymore

I just don't want to struggle anymore with my feelings of complete hopelessness and low self esteem. I've been fighting this shit for too fucking long, man i'm fucking tired

>commie
And you wonder why you're not happy
Try not being a communist, and acknowledge the fact that people are individuals who react differently to every possible thing you do.
If you're in California, then your situation's even worse.

First time being in the real world?

Yeah well maybe we shouldn't fill our kids heads with bullshit about how great the world is

I know that some people are individuals, but i prefer communism over capitalism just because communism has any values except money. Also i'm polish.

I don't want it to die yet, bump

I've been off of Jow Forums for several years. I left it because I regarded this place as a degenerate pit of despair which held me down long enough. The fact that I've found myself in this thread today does not speak well of my current mental condition. I guess I came here looking for understanding and relateability. Not sure, but as I was reading all of these horrible testimonies of misery and suffering I decided to check how much left is there to read. And it fucking hit me. I was nowhere near done. Tiny dot of a scrollbar barely moved from the top of my phone and I just started crying uncontrollably. Like holy fucking shit man, how much of this hopeless misery can there be? This is just so excruciatingly tragic. Fuck man. I don't even know what can be said here. I just hope that all of you find comfort and happiness somehow.

Why? Everyone is too self-absorbed to respond to each other. Let it go like all the others.

Bump

I can sympathize, being vulnerable is weakness, and revealing that is something that is impossible for us. Not to mention it troubles others, makes absolutely no sense to open up.

I'm insecure, scared asf, so yeah i've been considering it for a long time now. The funniest part is that i found someone i click so well with i just think i finally went insane and am talking with my own mind, kek.
Either way, she's way more broken than me, but i'm very broken. There was this time i tried to left her after convincing myself i only did bad for her and couldn't make her happy. She cut herself all over and sweared she'd kill herself if i didn't want it anymore. The truth is that she doesn't has a life without me, and i don't have a life without her either. But i'm growing so anxious and scared again. I also have a very weird family that puts every weight on my back and i've been dealing with that for all my years. She's kind of a life opportunity too, if i had courage i could just go, ignore her past drug abuse and partners, her current things, and live an amazing life with her family which is also amazing.

I held a knife multiple times against my neck, but not in enough despair to do it. That's what i'm scared about y'know? Not having the courage to do it ever and stay rotting.

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And these are just first and second world problems, the amount of misery in this world is astounding and I highly doubt hell exists, if it isn't this

i want to kill myself because i’m not useful. we die, that’s it. nothing else happens.

I have no friends nobody loves me. I don't really want to die though but I have suicidal thoughts still.

Just woke up from a happy dream, coming back awake to realize none of it is real. I cried pretty hard from it and wish I could never dream again. So by coincidence this is the first thread I see in my even more depressive state.
My Aunt died of cancer and I was way too shocked and scared to tell her husband I'm sorry about what happened, maybe I was just trying to protect him from hearing the same thing over and over again. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Not long after my Gf who I loved more than anything dumped me and did a full 180 in attitude in less than a week after my birthday, saying she fell out of love with me. I had a friend who understood me better than anyone else and I really fucked up there, we were sleeping in the same bed and I finger-banged her, hoping that was push the relationship further, unknown to me turns out she was asleep the whole time and was only sleep-talking. Not long after that she vanished from my life before I could apologize/explain and now I'm left feeling like a monster who should just die, because maybe I should. After those ordeals college was out of the question, letting an entire semester fail before my eyes with not single credit to show for it, but 1k debt due.
>Working out doesn't make me happy
>Drinking doesn't make me happy
>Videogames don't make me happy
>Family/Friends don't make me happy I can't trust anyone
But dreaming does, and its torture to wake up.

Once I die there will be no more, so I would have nothing to be happy or sad about.

My incapability to get shit done is pushing me more and more to what could be seen as a ragequit, and the purposelessness that comes as a consequence doesn't help

I'm at that point where I need momentum or drive, but have neither, and feel like fucking Sysiphus and his rock...