I'm considering just accepting I don't have any options with this girl and forgetting about her, but it's super depressing to not be interested in anyone at all. Like, it's nice to have a crush, and awfully bleak when I have no idea how long I'll go before meeting someone again.
What should I do? I can fade this girl and feel alright later on that the timing just wasn't right if I set my mind to it.
It hurts
Why doesn't she love me
I don't know whether or not this girl likes me or not, I don't know her well enough. But all of my ways of getting in touch with her now to ask her out are lame as fuck.
Dudes, having these kind of "crushes" is a cry for help. Falling so hard for someone you don't know is a sign you need more people in your life, not only girls, but emotional support in general.
Lol no
So you think adults building a relationship on their heads because a girl is hot sounds healthy?
That's actually an interesting idea user. I've had 1 crush in the past 7-8 years, but even then that was nothing like I used to get when I was in high school. I wondered here and there if maybe I was getting jaded, but actually your idea makes a lot of sense.
I'm not head over heels for her, we've had conversations, I just think she's cute and interesting. I'm not in love or anything, can't speak for the other guys.
I just never meet anyone I even remotely like enough to want to ask out, so the frustrating thing is having to give up on it in a situation where I liked a girl enough to get to know her more.
It will probably take me months to years to meet anyone I like at all. I have had three crushes/people I would like to date in the past five years.
How mamy people do you need in your life?
I have 3 friend groups right now, one is 2 people, one is 3 core people but we usually have more to join us. These two I see at least once a week.
Then I have another friend group which is about 10 people and we get together about 4 to 6 times a year, so those are more of a vacation group / important events type things.
I also have a good relationship with my coworkers and my family.
Out of friend groups, there are 4 women and they are all in a long term relationship.
I only had a crush once and it wasn't in either of those groups but rather someone I met through work and worked closely with for about a year. When you aren't used to women smiling when they see you, complimenting your problem solving skills and really takes everything you say seriously, you are going to fall for that person who makes your day so much better.
Saying I don't know her just because I never dated her is just plain wrong.
stop posting fucking normie cringe memes
Shit, and I meant to reply to the people in my life part... I have tons of people in my life. Friends, family, etc. I have a very active social life. I just very rarely find anyone I'm interested in dating.
I grew up here, so it's practically like I already know everyone, y'know? It's not a small town per se, but finding sane local people I might want to date is difficult because I pretty much already know all of my friends' friends.
Call it whatever you want, you've put her on a pedestal, saying she is something that takes "years" to come.
You are as hung up on her as the other dudes are on their crushes.
>you are going to fall for that person who makes your day so much better.
And that's why the amount of people if your life is not the only issue. The quality of those people is, too.
Are you happy or not?
I don't know what else I'm expected to do then. Not like anyone? Ever? That seems like the only alternative. Bring ugly slam pigs back to my house to fuck and then hope I just *love* their personality?
Let's pretend I'm autistic. Spell it out for me. I do totally get that pining for a girl is a bad thing, but are you suggesting I just ask out every woman around me in the hopes that I'll eventually develop an interest? I don't have that kind of time to waste.
>Bring ugly slam pigs back to my house to fuck and then hope I just *love* their personality?
You want me to spell it out? This here quote is just the perfect example.
You can't imagine being friends with a girl and actually liking her personality. It's either a crush on a hot one, like this one, or fucking them (because you can't imagine spending time with them otherwise).
You are being shallow. And if that replicates on your other relationships (friends, family, etc.) then it's obvious why you are getting crushes on people instead of dating. You don't have a support network because you don'tconnect with other people, you don't enjoy them as people.
You're completely wrong. I have a TON of female friends. But they're just that, friends. I have no interest in having sex with them, or getting intimate with them. I enjoy talking about our shared interests, going on vacations, whatever, but they're friends because there isn't that something more, at least not on my end. I'm sure some of them want something more with me.
I have tons of close friends and do everything in the world to spend time with them. Viewing them as the kind of person I could have sex with or have enough romantic interest in to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship with is a completely different ballgame.
>or have enough romantic interest in to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship with is a completely different ballgame.
And that's why it's shallow. If you have never had to deal with the ups and down of a relationship with them, then there's no relationship. Friends fight, they get mad, they need help. Being a friend is not about going on vacation together, it's about sharing a part of your life with them.
How can you date if you can't even share a small part of your life with a friend? How can you engage in a long term romantic relationship when you can't imagine dealing with issues in your current relationships?
How can you have a girlfriend if your only use for her is fucking?
I've fought, I've helped, it's still not the same. I share plenty with my friends and I'm there for them when they need me. I'm not sure why you're trying to paint this image in your head of me being a sociopath. All in all I am an emotionally healthy person with plenty of rich human connection, and happiness.
It's anything BUT shallow. I don't fall for every girl who gives me the time of day. I approach new girls with an open mind. I very rarely end up developing anything remotely resembling a romantic interest in them.
I'm not a dateless, sexless incel. I'm a 32 year old guy with standards, that was in a relationship once with someone who checked off all of these "I should like her" boxes in my head, but learned a valuable lesson when not a single bit of me was excited to be with her.
>I'm not sure why you're trying to paint this image in your head of me being a sociopath.
Not at all. A psycho wouldn't ask for help like you are asking. I'm just salling you shallow. And not only in the sense that you care a lot about how girls look, but also in the sense that your relationships sound really shallow to me.
>was in a relationship once with someone who checked off all of these "I should like her" boxes in my head, but learned a valuable lesson when not a single bit of me was excited to be with her.
You dated someone because she "cheked off all the boxes", not because you were excited about being with her. I don't know why you keep this emotional distance with people, but I can see it in the way you describe your own life.
>I am an emotionally healthy person with plenty of rich human connection
That's where we disagree. It doesn't sound like you actually enjoy the people in your life. You are satisfied with having them, because you are supposed to have people around. But you don't sound like you connect with them.
I really, really do. I've had many of my closest friendships for 15+ years. We've been through hell and back. And I'm failing to see how I'm shallow. How does one magically not be shallow? How do you talk about YOUR friends?
You haven't walked me through how having interest in someone is supposed to work, by the way. Just repeated that I have no fulfillment in my life despite all evidence to the contrary.
>You haven't walked me through how having interest in someone is supposed to work, by the way.
Becuase there's nothing to explain. Either you have interest on them, or you don't. Either you care about them, or you don't.
You dated a girl to check boxes in your life and you literally said:
>I have tons of close friends and do everything in the world to spend time with them. Viewing them as the kind of person I could have sex with or have enough romantic interest in to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship with is a completely different ballgame.
Which is a clear example of you put "friends" and "ups and downs of a relationship" in two different categories. You come here to say you have dealt with issues but only after I pointed out that you describe "friendships" as shallow relationships. Only after you divided girls into two categories: Hot ones to crush on and ugly pigs that you'd need to fuck for the chance of liking their personality.
You are changing your speech after I pointed out how shallow it was. Think on that, maybe you'll learn something new.
No, I'm not changing my opinion or voice, I'm changing based on who I'm talking to. Trust me, there's a lot of people on Jow Forums who would advise "just go slay pussy bro fuck relationships," and that was my original assumption about you.
Yes, sex and intimacy are a part of a relationship. They are crucial, important things. I can have a wide variety of friendships, some just based off of a hobby, some that are like a brother, some that may have started romantic and faded when that compatibility wasn't there.
You seem to think "if you can be friends with them, you can date them," and that's like trying to make a pie without the crust. It might still be alright, but it's not a pie.
When you get into a fight with a friend, you go your separate ways for a bit, you're not sleeping in the same bed as them. When you get out of shape, your friend tells you that maybe it's time to hit the gym, they don't have to feign attraction to you.
Relationships and friendships are entirely different things. You'll also never raise a child with your friend.
>You seem to think "if you can be friends with them, you can date them,"
Nope, not at all. I'm saying you have relationships with huge emotional barriers between you and other people, which makes a romantic relationship hard for you to imagine.
>You'll also never raise a child with your friend.
Some people do. Single parents that need help and "uncle" or "auntie" helps out. There's no right way to have any kind of relationship (frienship, romantic, etc.). Every single person makes it on their own way. Don't try to make a list of boxes to check.
Also...
>Becuase there's nothing to explain. Either you have interest on them, or you don't. Either you care about them, or you don't.
If this is true, then why
>Dudes, having these kind of "crushes" is a cry for help.
I have an interest in a girl and you're literally telling me it's a cry for help and there's something wrong with me. Why is it so hard for you to believe that it's hard to meet someone you're interested in? Are you still in college where everyone is single and unattached?
For me, at my age, it's like:
>See someone I think is cute
>Talk to them
>They're married
>The end
I'm not finding a romantic relationship hard to imagine at all. I'm having a hard time finding people I like on a regular basis that I can imagine having a deeper relationship with.
>Single parents that need help and "uncle" or "auntie" helps out.
This is in no way the same as a well thought out plan between two people that get pregnant, have a kid, and rear them with a shared set of values. Auntie or uncle babysitting is not the same as someone who is a parent to the child. And that's still the same for adoption. You literally can't adopt a child with your pal from college that you have a platonic relationship with.
>This is in no way the same as a well thought out plan between two people that get pregnant, have a kid, and rear them with a shared set of values.
Most people get pregnant first and make a plan later. If your idea of a relationship is "a plan" then it's obvious why you can't find people you are interested in "dating". "Dating" for you is making a plan, almost a contract on how to live together, instead of what it is for other people: Spending time together and enjoying each other.
Do you plan your friendships, too? Do you only hang out with someone after getting to decide which kind of videogames you'll play together and in which system?
Oh come on, you're stretching here. It's ideal to plan out a kid. Sure, sometimes it happens and people have to adapt, but don't pretend like it's the right way to do it. In a perfect world, everyone would have the financial capabilities and desire to have a kid before having one.
Saying "oops I got you pregnant because we didn't use contraception" isn't a healthy way to do things.
But yeah, dating is a plan in a way. You find someone you like, you plan on asking them out, you plan a date, you plan times to enjoy time together. That's how dates happen. It's in no way a contract, but it still takes steps.
>But yeah, dating is a plan in a way. You find someone you like, you plan on asking them out, you plan a date, you plan times to enjoy time together. That's how dates happen.
When does actually enjoying the other person comes into your plan? I mean, you can't do it unless you know you'll enjoy them, right? Or can you enjoy being with someone outside of the plan and after that start dating?
When do you ask if they want kids? When do make this "plan" for your whole life together? You can't take it one step at a time, at least not in a perfect world. Imagine you like osmeone, ask them out, make dates, etc. and eventually learn they don't want kids. Where did you plan go?
You start enjoying that person when you find someone you like. I don't know why I have to explain this step by step.
>Hm, I enjoy talking to this person. I find them attractive.
>I will ask them on a date.
That simple. And then while you date, you start answering those questions at whatever pace makes sense between you two.
Before having sex, you ask things like "hey, are you on the pill," or you wear a condom. You probably should discuss what the fuck's gonna happen if you get that person pregnant.
You discuss your future a little bit before getting into a relationship if shit like kids or whatever are a dealbreaker to you or not. This is simple adulthood.
This isn't the point of the thread though, the point of the thread is reasonably expecting I won't find someone else I like for a long time if I give up on this person that I DO like. It wouldn't be such a big deal if there were other options around for me to potentially have some romantic interest, but I know how long it was since the last one, and the one before that.
>You probably should discuss what the fuck's gonna happen if you get that person pregnant.
If that's your foreplay talk, oh, man.
>This isn't the point of the thread though, the point of the thread is reasonably expecting I won't find someone else I like for a long time if I give up on this person that I DO like.
Yes, this is the point of the thread: You unhealthy views on human relationships. That's why it's so hard for you to imagine finding people to be excited about.
And you don't even live by the ideas you are preaching. If you made a plan for everything, how did spend so much energy on this person when she is taken or whatever makes you have no options with her.
You invested in this girl even though there was no plan to build here.
It's not my foreplay talk but it's a valid talk to have. If you're just gonna go in raw and then get slammed with "oh shit you're a daddy now,' you're a stupid person.
I'm still not seeing how my views on relationships are unhealthy. I want to like somebody and date somebody. That simple. People are taken and are hard to find. There aren't many places to meet people and get to know them. I know this from experience, not from "unhealthy views on relationships." You can't even seem to define what my unhealthy views are besides "being shallow," and at no point have I even talked about my tastes in this thread.
I don't plan for everything. I couldn't ask this girl out because she worked with me. Now she doesn't, but I didn't know she was leaving, and I have no ways to contact her that aren't weird and uncomfortable. We had a great time drinking together but I never got a chance to ask her out.
Anyways, have to go to an appointment, will answer later.
>If you're just gonna go in raw and then get slammed with "oh shit you're a daddy now,' you're a stupid person.
That's a strawman. Assuming it's either making a plan or going raw is a false dichotomy. You can put on a rubber, mate. You can pull out. I'm not saying both are equally good ideas, just saying it's not as clear cut as you want to make it be to look like you are in the right.
>I'm still not seeing how my views on relationships are unhealthy.
You admit your only relationship was an exercise in box checking and that you didn't actually enjoy being with her. I'd like to know why you are so sure your views are healthy when you admit you haven't had a healthy relationship.
>You can't even seem to define what my unhealthy views are besides "being shallow,"
Remember when I started talking about the meotional distance you have with people and you never engaged? It's almost like you read what you want to read.
>I couldn't ask this girl out because she worked with me. Now she doesn't, but I didn't know she was leaving, and I have no ways to contact her that aren't weird and uncomfortable.
That means there was no relationship (frienship or otherwise) that could lead to a romantic relationship. You didn't lose much, as you didn't have much there.
That's why this is a crsuh, because you invested emotional energy on a person that didn't invest any back. Else you'd have a way to keep talking, but you don't. You built this up in your head, when in reality it wasnt much.
>You admit your only relationship was an exercise in box checking and that you didn't actually enjoy being with her.
Not my only relationship. Just my last one. Didn't work out, learned a valuable lesson. I've had other successful relationships in the past.
>Remember when I started talking about the meotional distance you have with people and you never engaged?
I did engage. I brought up tons of examples of how close I've been to people. There's ups and downs with friends, but they come nowhere close to the extremes that a romantic relationship comes to, because it's just plainly not the same thing.
>That means there was no relationship (frienship or otherwise) that could lead to a romantic relationship. You didn't lose much, as you didn't have much there.
>That's why this is a crsuh, because you invested emotional energy on a person that didn't invest any back. Else you'd have a way to keep talking, but you don't. You built this up in your head, when in reality it wasnt much.
I had a great time sitting with her after the work Christmas party having drinks. I couldn't ask her out then because it would have been uncomfortable. Little did I know that they were going to send her away weeks later. No, we weren't super close, but I got to observe her in her natural element, and also talk to her about shit outside of work and get to know her interests and everything, which cemented that I thought she was more than just pretty. Hell, she's not even my normal type.
If I had known the last day I was going to see her was three weeks ago, I'd have made a move to say something or ask her out. Now the only means of me getting in touch with her are uncomfortable and weird, which is why I'm thinking about giving up.
>No, we weren't super close, but I got to observe her in her natural element, and also talk to her about shit outside of work and get to know her interests and everything, which cemented that I thought she was more than just pretty.
This is the emotional investetment, the one-sided emotional investment, that I mentioned. This is why crushes are bad.
>shallow
It's literally the opposite to want something other than slamming genitals. All of your posts to the effect of
>open your heart and just let them in
Are total nonsense. You can't make yourself like someone anymore than you can make someone like you.
>It's literally the opposite to want something other than slamming genitals.
Did you read the part about not connecting with people? By "shallow" I don't only mean "pay attention to the pretty girls" (even though the comment about fat pigs is telling). I'm talking about a lack of depth in human connection.
It's insane advice to suggest that spending time with someone you don't like at a superficial level will somehow lead you into a deep relationship. If you already don't like them that way no amount of effort on your part will change that. It's not something that can be forced.
>It's insane advice to suggest that spending time with someone you don't like at a superficial level will somehow lead you into a deep relationship.
I think you are imagining a deformed she-beast here. Real people don't rate each other to decide who they like and who they don't like. Dating is so much more than finding someone drop dead gorgeous to gawk at.
But hey, if you literally can't even fathom dating a girl unless she is a 9 or a 10, then you are shallow in the regular sense of the word.
>By "shallow" I don't only mean "pay attention to the pretty girls"
>if you literally can't even fathom dating a girl unless she is a 9 or a 10
Which one is it anonymous?
> then you are shallow in the regular sense of the word.
If you finish the quote, you can see the second one is about being shallow in the usual sense of the word, a.k.a. caring too much about appearance.
I literally pointed that out, I said I was using the other meaning.
Just approach other girls. Best cure
Yeah I'm not OP.
>Real people don't rate each other to decide who they like and who they don't like.
Oh, I should have realized earlier you're a woman.
The illusion that relationships just fall into your lap are a distinctly female delusion. It explains why you think the meat and potatoes of the relationship matters to the exclusion of the effort that goes into its even getting off the ground.
All men have their varying tastes, but all men are judging you to see if you're worth even approaching. The calculus varies, but the fact you're being evaluated before someone takes a shot does not.
>The illusion that relationships just fall into your lap are a distinctly female delusion.
What? Are you even reading what I write? I realize you are not OP, but you have his same lack of human connection. So read what I wrote to him, it applies to you. Though you sound angrier and way more bitter than him, so you might need to start working on even earlier steps before you are ready to go out and meet people.
An inability to argue a topic at hand and redirecting to tear me down as a person are rather big female tells as well.
You have a very warped view of what goes into a relationship beginning. You lack perspective and you refuse to empathize with people who have had different life experiences. That you lack empathy while accusing others of refusing to "connect" with anyone is rather ironic.
>An inability to argue a topic at hand and redirecting to tear me down as a person are rather big female tells as well.
Says the guy attacking me personally (even though I'm not a woman) and changing the topic to "The illusion that relationships just fall into your lap" even though we don't even get there with OP because he can't feel invested in woman.
You did both the things you say I did. Do you realize that?
>You have a very warped view of what goes into a relationship beginning.
I mean, OP admitted he went into a loveless relationship just to tick off some boxes but sure, I pulled the idea that he doesn't connect with people out of my ass.
Good luck, man, have fun arguing with imaginary enemies. Just, as advice, next time don't accuse them of doing what you are doing. It makes your arguments extra weak when you show you know they are bad arguments. At least pretend you believe what you say.
>forgetting about her
lol good luck
You have a problem with OP being selective in who he approaches. All of your bad advice flows from your inability to empathize with him.
>OP admitted he went into a loveless relationship just to tick off some boxes but sure, I pulled the idea that he doesn't connect with people out of my ass.
All relationships begin loveless. Again you have a very warped view of what the beginning of a relationship is, what goes into. Your advice is actually insane in that you demand he pursue relationships with people he's already written off because you're somehow offended that he's written them off at all.
No other girls to approach and do anything with. That's the point, I don't even meet girls I find pretty, much less girls I find interesting. I'm not going to waste my time trying to talk to girls I don't even find any attraction to. I mean, as friends, sure, but I have plenty of friends and don't need to cold talk to some girl I don't see as interesting.
>It's insane advice to suggest that spending time with someone you don't like at a superficial level will somehow lead you into a deep relationship.
Thank you. This person has been insane. I don't get what they expect. Magic chemistry from out of nowhere?
>I mean, OP admitted he went into a loveless relationship just to tick off some boxes but sure, I pulled the idea that he doesn't connect with people out of my ass.
I'm starting to think you're the one that can't connect. I met a person, she was agreeable to be around, I thought "gee, here's a person who seems to share my common interests, and what I really like in a person and REALLY likes me a lot. Let's try this out." I mean, after all, a spark or actually liking someone/having a crush on them is just me being shallow, right?
I realized I made a mistake approaching relationships in that way and vowed to only go out with people I found to be charming and alluring, even if they didn't match the kinds of things I THINK I like. But of course, no, that's "shallow."
Aproach girls you don't know baka. There's always someone you can approach. Go to a mall or something and chat up some girls. Once you get to know them you can decide wether you like them or not. If you really think there are no girls to approach you're lying to yourself because you're too much of a pussy to do actually do it
I'm 32. I'm not going to go approach girls in a mall. I'm not going to jump through hoops in a bar - and most bars I'm at rarely have girls that are cute. Clubs are a no-go because I live in the world's biggest tourist city and no one lives here.
If I really want to fuck someone, sure, no big deal. But I'm not going to go chasing a bunch of girls and end up going on pointless dates. I don't have time for it.
I'm not going to desperately chase pussy.
Then get used to being alone. There's no other way around it