I just broke up with my girlfriend of four years. I'm 28, she's 26

I just broke up with my girlfriend of four years. I'm 28, she's 26.

From the beginning of the relationship, she was utterly in love with me and pictured a life with me, having my children, etc. I didn't really feel the same way and she knew it because during these four years, I've tried breaking up the relationship several times, and we always somehow ended up getting back together. Things changed a little last year when I moved to a different city, so we spent all of 2018 long distance, but I visited her often.

Last December had a big argument and decided to end things but we had a vacation already scheduled and paid for mid-January this year, so we went. We had a good time, but after that, each one went back to their lives.

Today she told me he didn't have anyone to go out with for Valentine's Day (at least no one she loved as much as she loved me), and that she wanted to cry. We then got in an argument again, and she told me that she couldn't move on if we kept talking and that I should either go back with her or end things definitely. Of course, I chose the latter without saying it explicitly and now she blocked me from everywhere.
Now, you probably think all of this is stupid and that I'm an absolute asshole. But the truth is that this relationship really destroyed me. I was really never sure of being with her, but not sure of breaking up with her either. She always tried to keep us together, even knowing that I wasn't that much into her. Deep down, my reasons for not loving her were utterly superficial: I barely ever found her attractive. But I did found her attractive in a sexual way, I'm not sure how to put it. From the beginning, I was drawn to her because of lust but I was not proud of being seen with her.


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And on her part, I think she put up a lot of things with me, mostly due to her own insecurities of being unattractive (she's average, I'd say) and never finding a man to form a family with.
She was adopted (but we never talked about it, and she never accepted it) so I guess her fear of abandonment has to do with that. Also, her adoptive parents are quite old so she fears being left out alone in the world. To make matters worse, she often told me that I was her reason to live and wrote these cute long love letters saying how much she loved me, and that she wanted a life with me.

All of this, together, made me really conscious about my place in her life.

Mind you, this would not be nearly as bad if it wasn't because she's an amazing girl with a big heart. Partly innocent (I'm remembering entering her bedroom in her parents house and seeing all these Minnie Mouse, Minion toys, teddy bears, heart pillows, and cute thing like that, and photos of us together, and it just breaks me), and partly very mature and commited to her goals, like being a kindergarden teacher because, of course, she loves children.

My (cowardly) decision was to let the relationship go down the drain in hopes she got tired of me and stopped loving me or found someone else, but she NEVER really did.

Now that I've wasted four of her best years and I'm leaving her on her own, I have this feeling that somehow everything is fucked forever. That everything is absolutely horrible and dreadful. I see people with these stupid problems on this board, but nothing comes close to the guilt and sorrow I have. Not only I left someone alone, but I also managed to make sure I won't find anyone ever that loves me as much as she did.

How the FUCK do I move forward from this?

>Minion toys

Sounds like you did the right thing m8

You made me laugh user. She liked that sort of stuff. Pink-themed things, pijamas with little bears or mermaids sprites, etc. But she worked with children, so I think it makes sense.

Nope you've done the right thing. you felt nothing for the relationship and were just tying her down. by letting her go you've freed her to find someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with her and start a family. by no means should you try to restore a relationship you don't want just to make her happy. ill admit though that it was cowardly of you to keep the relationship going for as long as you did instead of cutting it off from the start.
However you definitely haven't wasted her time. even if you don't think so, I can guarantee that there were times that she had fun and loved life while being with you. those experiences aren't a waste regardless of what you say.
in truth you can never truly waste time. you are always growing, changing, and gaining new experiences. it doesn't matter what you are doing, or whether or not what you think you are doing is meaningful. the only way you can waste time is by being in a coma or a vegetative state. so relax okay, and stop beating yourself up over it.

Thanks for this, and I do agree that the time we spent will become cherished memories for both, and that we grew and matured together in a sense.
But given that her objective is to form a family and have children, I think those 4 years are indeed quite important.

I think of that specially when reading all of these posts about women "hitting the wall", or guys looking only for women under 25, make me feel really guilty.
Most of them talk about women with no interest in the traditional path to motherhood, and marriage, etc., but in her case, it was (is) her biggest dream, so feel as if I should beat myself over it.

Holy shit user, I needed to hear this. Im going through a rough break up because of work and long distance too. This really helped thank you

Sounds way too complicated. You just regret not leaving sooner. I know I did. Basically what’s the point of keep trying infinite times to make something work and it never does, when you can find somebody with better compatibility

Man, everything is about you, isn't it. Just move on. But something tells me you're going to try to contact her again.

>Man, everything is about you, isn't it.
What do you mean?

So you kept her around in hopes that you could find someone more attractive? Because honestly that's what it sounds like. But it's you're choice. My grandpa told me if I want to have a long lasting relationship, find an average girl who's madly in love with you, and marry her. And I did. He was right. I did have to personally get over the fact that she wasn't going to be this bombshell babe that I would wake up to every morning, but everyday I spent with her, that got less and less important. Can't imagine being with anyone else, and she still adores me years later

>So you kept her around in hopes that you could find someone more attractive?
Not really, but I understand that's what it looks like. The truth is that I was quite content NOT having to be "on the market", and I'm not even interested in find a new partner right now. I might say that I kept her around because I was both quite comfortable and fearful of how she would react if I left her — and the reaction was exactly what I imagined, but now she came to terms with it.

>find an average girl who's madly in love with you, and marry her
I agree 100%. I've never looked for hot girls, but at least I'd like to be attracted to my partner. Before she came around, I dated a couple of girls who were average (some in fact considered almost unnattractive, slighly fat, etc) but I was completely attracted to them... turns out they weren't as intereted as I was.
Needless to say, I feel guilty of not feeling the same way as I did for these girls, with her. That would have been perfect, but it just wasn't the case.

OP, you’re an actual asshole. Coming from a femanon, you really just left this girl high and dry. Love isn’t all about physical attraction, people’s looks are ever changing... but you my dear sir, you should probably live the rest of your life alone. God, men like you are fucking trash. Go sit on something hard and sandpapery you dumb douche.

this is why you just break up and that's it, no takebacks no getting back together, none of that shit. it's hard but you gotta understand your mind plays certain tricks on you when it misses somebody and you just gotta let yourself feel like shit about it for a while and it eventually goes away.
>she couldn't move on if we kept talking and that I should either go back with her or end things definitely.
yeah, exactly why you shouldn't talk to an ex

>I was really never sure of being with her, but not sure of breaking up with her either.
no option is going to be perfect, it's more important to just pick something and stick with it

and if you don't find her attractive the relationship can't really work so what can you do

>Now that I've wasted four of her best years and I'm leaving her on her own, I have this feeling that somehow everything is fucked forever.
people have fully recovered from worse man. at least you aren't 38 and 36. i totally understand the guilt from breaking up. i broke up with a girl i really liked but she was very immature, ditsy, clingy and had some issues in her life that made it difficult to see a long term future with her. and i remember crying on the day i broke it off with her feeling like i came into her life just to ruin it kind of. i guess it's kind of a balance thing. think about the happiness you brought her during the relationship, there's the equal and opposite reaction to that, which is the breakup. you never cheated on this girl or fucked with her in any way, really, so there's that. man give it time, it's gonna be a lot of self reflection and whatever but just don't be irrationally hard on yourself and negative, it's not gonna get you anywhere. spend some time with your friends, talk about this stuff. you gotta give it a fairly significant amount of time and things will start to click in. sorry for a bit of an unstructured reply i'm just going off top

>Love isn’t all about physical attraction, people’s looks are ever changing
Looking back, I realize that I tried rationalizing attraction towards her and sometimes, with some effort, I was attracted, but more often than not I simply wasn't and I even treated her bad because of it. I didn't feel that spark that you probably should feel. If anything, I saw her as a little sister that I absolutely did care for and was extremely important to me, but hardly a romantic partner at times.

I now know that there's a threshold of attraction that is absolutely necessary in order to keep a relationship. And I can assure you, it applies to everyone. The problem is that I didn't realize that sooner.

Thanks for your opinion.

Thanks for your answer user, it really makes me feel better. Specially part about balance between the happiness of the relationship versus the unhappiness of the breakup. It hits home.

Something tells me that you actually like the idea of her wanting you desperately. Is this thread really about your guilt or is it about you being afraid that she might finally move on from you?

Dumb roastie. If looks didn't matter to men they would just date other men. It's part of our biology to want to reproduce with women who signal fertility and health through their appearance. That's not going to change simply to accommodate an ugly cunt like you.

No, it actually baffles me. I let her plenty of opportunity to move on from me, and she still clings on to me and I'm not criticising her for it.
Which, on one hand is very admirable because it's a treat I like in whatever woman I was going to be with. But in this case, I'd feel WAY less guilty if she was able to move on.

Block her and move on. Don't let her contact you.

Post a picture of yourself with time stamp. Coward

OP here, not that guy but don't derail the thread please.