How bad did I do?

I have a tendency to do things based on principle regardless of whether it will worsen the outcome of a situation for myself and I need you guys to tell me how bad I fucked up or if I was in the right here.

>have live in gf
>my house, I owned it before we started dating, she pays no rent or bills except that she pays for groceries when it's her that buys them
>this is fine I am more than capable of supporting myself and the household bills, she works so it's not like I'm paying her way in life either

>last night
>get into fight (that she picked)
>worst fight we've ever had in 2 years
>she tells me that I need to find somewhere else to sleep for the night, as in at someone else's house
>see red
>tell her that it's my house and she can go stay with her mother if we're at that point
>she back pedals, tries to tell me we aren't at that point but that I get to sleep on the lounge
>stick to my guns, tell her to leave
>she's sober and has her own car and licence, there's no reason she can't drive 15 minutes to her mum's place
>she thinks I'm bluffing but I make her pack a bag because at this point I'm more furious that she tried to kick me out of my own house than anything
>go to where we put our keys in a dish in the bedroom
>take off the two house keys for my place
>tell her she can have them back when we've sorted this all out
>(took the keys because I'm paranoid that her crazy best friend is going to egg her into doing something like coming over and breaking all my shit)
>she cries even harder
>leaves

We spoke on the phone this morning and she got about 5 words out before she was in tears again and had to hang up. Judging by what I know of her that either means she's feeling guilty because she knows she fucked up or it means that she's ready for round 2.

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you were right in making sure she knows who's house it is. your not married so legally she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

it's okay if she didn't want to sleep in the same bed but if theres a sofa someone could of slept there. I think forcing her to leave might of been a bit to far.

assuming you were 100% innocent. you should of offered her the sofa or tell her to leave the house to her mothers.

you were right to keep the keys thou.
she must understand it's your house, she is free to come and go but she can't ever force you to leave your own home.

if you got the deed on hand and she refuses to leave you can make the police force her too as she would be considered trespassing at that point.

Which guy did she go sleep with?

Well when I told her that it was my house and she could leave if she wanted the night apart, at that point she tried to get me to sleep on the sofa instead of continuing to try and kick me out.

If she hadn't just tried to kick me out of my own house I might have accepted the sofa but I got hung up on the principle of the thing and when that happens I almost always become unbending, so the only thing I could do was tell her to get out and go to her mum's place.

I have no idea if I was 100% innocent. I'm not full autismo or anything but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I was a little bit on the spectrum. I really have a hard time giving a shit about other people's emotions, and that's especially true because she picked the fight we had. There was no way I was going to empathise and let her scream and rant and cry at me over some sleight she invented. Which I guess is no different to adding fuel to the fire.

What was the fight about? That's important

I spoke to her mum on the phone (to make sure she got there okay) about half an hour after my gf left and I could hear her crying in the background.

She’s obviously really hurt. I think she was only saying those things in the heat of the moment and that she was feeling desperate. You shouldn’t have forced her to leave, she’s probably in shock that you would even do that. I think if it came down to it, she wouldn’t really have let you leave if you even agreed to. Like I said, I think she was only saying it in the heat of the moment. I think you’ve made her feel discarded and you’ve made her feel like she doesn’t have a place to be.

I have sex with this friend regularly and she found out about it. Its no big deal because its just sex, nothing romantic or anything.

Fair points, but how does she think I felt when she was trying to kick me out? Setting the issue of owning the house aside, it's super upsetting to have had her even attempt to kick me out. I don't see what I did as any worse than her threat to make me leave.

Remember also what my OP says. I am liable to do things based on principle. In the even where she was kicking me out and I was actually leaving, once I'd made up my mind to leave I would have done it just to spite her.

I took her to a work function two weeks ago. She met a lot of my coworkers, some of whom are attractive women. Attractive women that she has met a handful of times before. She knows and has known that I work with these girls for as long as we've been together.

Anyway this work function was just a big dinner to celebrate moving into a new office. We ate pizza and then hung out at a bar nearby. According to my gf, she didn't like the way I looked at my female coworkers.

So naturally she waited two weeks to bring this up, and turn it into a huge argument. We're talking about coworkers who are all married or in serious relationships of their own who I have no interest in. Yes they're good looking, no I don't really care. I love my gf and she's prettier than all of them.

I'm assuming she sat on this fight nugget and brought it up now because she's feeling especially insecure about something or other, but picking a fight bad enough to try kicking me out of the house over the fact that I smiled at some other girls I spend 50 hours a week with is nuts.

In my opinion you made the right choice.

I don't have any context for your relationship but I do know that it's a slippery slope with things like this.

It's cool to let a lot of things slide but you need to pick your hill to die on or your significant other will walk all over you.

As far as pulling it around after this; it's largely going to depend on what you guys are like. Mainly if she's the kind of person who will hold a grudge for this kind of thing or if you're able to rationally explain your side of the argument in a way that makes her empathize with you .

I think you should be prepared to apologize for kicking her out because there's no doubt that it hurt but you also need to make her understand how you felt when she tried to kick you out of your own home (and why it's total bullshit to do something like that)

but be nice about it. Make sure you're not still angry when you speak to her. Try to be empathetic, understanding and supportive but still get your point across

To be honest even with everything I know about her and relationship I'm not sure how this will land. It occurred to me that I might be doing irreparable harm but my blood was up so I kicked her out anyway.

I will have no problem staying calm in my own right, it's her I'm worried about. She does pout and resort to tears to get what she wants and it often has the opposite effect on me (but for some reason she still does it). It could really go either way.

I am seeing her later tonight at her mum's house. Apparently she didn't go to work today. Decided that I'd go to her instead of trying to get her to come to me so that I can leave the argument at any time. I will take her keys and I think that as long as she admits she was in the wrong on both counts, the reason we were fighting and trying to kick me out, she can have them back. I love her and I want her but I am nobody's emotional punching bag. Having a bad day is no excuse for a shouting match.

>as long as she admits she was in the wrong

Ok oso neither of you are innocent totally but this is the bad , bad wrong way to go. You are supposed to be partners, not try and ‘win’ fights with the person you love. you should expect an apology and have a big discussion over why you fought, why it’s not ok for her to try and kick you out the house, that you are also sorry for escalating , and how to not fight like this anymore.

you both are really hardheaded . it might do you good to relax a bit and ask her to try and meet you halfway. This relationship seems very unhealthy at the moment (you dont respect her crazy friend, and the fact that she has a crazy friend who can influence her) but it can be fixed if you are both working hard on it

you sound very reasonable and i think yku have done everything right here. just dont forget u have the moral/rational upper hand here so even if she provokes you when you see her later make sure you dont blow it by doing something stupid. just stay calm and if shes really too stupid to apologize after this and make up then shes probably not worth dating

I'm being hardheaded but I think she's just being irrational, and that's basically par for the course with women. She almost certainly picked that fight because she was upset over something, probably had nothing to do with me, she's not a whinger normally but it doesn't take much to get her goat. I think that the reality is I just happened to be the one to cop the emotional outburst. I don't appreciate it and I'm not sorry for fighting back. The only point I'm willing to concede is that I'm sorry for kicking her out. I knew in the moment that I didn't need to and that I could have backed down at any moment and my point would have been made, I'm just too stubborn for that.

It's less a case of me trying to win and more a case of I need her to openly demonstrate that she understands exactly what it is that she did wrong. Maybe it doesn't need to be an apology as long as she can see the problems I was having with the whole situation. For now I'm going to go to her mum's house unless she says otherwise between now and then. I already set it up over text before lunch and she was okay with it.

Her friend is another issue. The gf knows that her friend is nuts. She's one of those girls you see on twitter boasting about smashing her boyfriend's consoles or slashing his tyres. But they are besties despite that and that comes with a certain amount of influence over one another. Honestly her friend deserves no respect. She's not a good person and is proud of the fact.

Sometimes I look hard at myself and I wonder just how much of a problem it is that I'd be willing to leave my gf of 2+ years over this. I know I'd be heart broken and that it would be zero consolation to have done it from the moral high ground, and yet I'm totally prepared to do it. Sometimes I think I'm really fucked in the head much worse than I even realise.

Let her come back and apologise to her, but also do tell her that you still believe you made the right decision. Basically "I'm right, but I'm still sorry".
Ask to talk about whatever the fight was about to sort it out.
If you ever marry (which I would never recommend to anyone, but that's your problem) have a separation of goods contract so she won't take your house if you ever divorce.
Also encourage her to save money to buy her own house, she can rent that out while living with you but if anything happens she still has her own place, shouldn't be hard if you're supporting the household.

You did perfectly well. She picked the fight because she can't properly communicate about her insecurities and she tried to kick you out of your own house.

Don't even begin to apologize and let her know you won't if she tries to blame you, but also tell her you did worry about her and want her to deal with her insecurities. Unfortunately she seems like an absolute child mentally with the pouting, insecurity and lack of respect. This kinda pushes the responsibility for everything onto you because you chose to make her your gf.

Do you make her feel loved? Attractive? Desired? What you said about liking her over coworkers sounds honest and logical and should be enough reassurance for a logical person but she is not a guy who works off logic. She is an emotional creature who maybe feels neglected, and has felt a simmering dissatisfaction with you that she felt she could tell you to gtfo the house.

Have you told her to do certain things for you, romantic, sexual, intimate etc. made her feel desired? Has she tried doing those things but perhaps you didn't give her the validation and appreciation she thought she'd get?

Also, you're not fucked in the head. It takes extreme will to maintain self respect in a relationship for some. If you lose that you lose everything.

Back with an update.

Skinny of it is that I went in and said my bit, apologising for sending her away last night when I knew it was over the line, explained that the way she blew up on me then tried to kick me out was the height of uncool and hurtful. I gave her back her keys.

She apologised too, for the fight and for saying I needed to leave. She admitted the fight was disproportionate to the topic and that she only told me to get out on impulse and not because she really thought it was reasonable to kick someone out of their own property.

For tonight she's going to stay with her mum and then come home tomorrow after work. We ate dinner at mine and sat together to watch a tv show and it was okay I think. Still not sure how this will land when she comes back tomorrow. Could be bad, lads.

Weirdly comforting to be told I'm not totally fucked.

The question of whether I make her feel loved and desired is actually something that's followed me throughout my dating life. Without wanting to out myself as a sociopath or anything, I am unempathetic in the extreme. To make a long story short, I am a smart dude, who was raised by a smart dude, and the habits that I picked up from him and then also developed on my own mean that I default to logic in every situation. I struggle to express emotion because I do not feel it very strongly and it rarely "serves" any other purpose. When I do express my feelings I'm often exaggerating or amplifying for the gratification of the other person. Strictly speaking I am not lying. I love my gf and I can feel it when I look at her, but if she were to put me on the spot and ask me what I'm thinking when I'm staring at her, the honest answer is going to be taken the wrong way by her, so I tend to embellish.

This is something that I've failed to change about myself. Ironically, girls always gush at first over how emotionally stable I am. It's only later that they realise there are drawbacks.

Why did I think of American psycho after reading this thread? Either way OP is B A S E D

From your story, I don't see anything that you did wrong. Not even a hunch.

Actually not the first time someone has compared me to a psychopathic fictional character in the last few weeks.

I know I shouldn't but I'm taking bets one whether she wants to break up with me tomorrow when we talk again. You want in?

I think I will take the opportunity to address our issue of if she feels loved and wanted if I get the chance. I've never properly explained to her how I think and why I ended up this way and I think it would clear things up for her to know that I have always loved her no matter what the look on my face says. It's just that I might not get the chance to say it.

You seem like a good lad. Im sure she will be happy if you open up about yourself more. Keep us updated about tomorrow.