Help me trying to understand her actions, I am confused and heartbroken...

Help me trying to understand her actions, I am confused and heartbroken, it would mean a lot to me if someone took the time to read this and explain why she is doing what she is doing.

I am a 25 year old guy and the girl is 20. I broke up with my gf this summer and a little bit after we started texting by cooincidence (I knew her a tiny bit from a few years back, but there was no contact). She was in a relationship during that time, but broke up with her bf after about two weeks. After that our conversations became more flirty, we talking on the phone for hours until we fell asleep etc. She didn't want to meet in the beginning, because she said she doesn't feel ready yet, but after 1 1/2 months of flirting we finally met.

Over the next two months we spent more time together, she stayed a few nights, we never had sex but she did give me a couple of handjobs which is more than she ever did with her ex bf (which probably means she is/was phyiscally attracted to me?). At some point I asked her if she wanted to be my gf and she said she currently lacks the time for a relationship, which is completely bullshit, since isn't doing anything but going to university and its not even a hard degree. So I just thought she was not as into me as I was into her, gave up and cut my losses.


Attached: xy.png (597x597, 839K)

A few weeks later she contacts me, telling me how much she misses talking to me etc., basically pulling me in again. We started meeting again, like prior. Then, after I was out of the country for a week, when I ask her when she wants to meet again she suddenly tells me she does not want to meet me. She says she doesn't feel ready for a relationship mentally and is afraid she would either be sacrificing too much of herself or starting to be toxic. I am not sure how much of that I am supposed to believe. She also told me that she actually wanted to be in a relationship with me when we first started dating, but thought she was just some side chick to me. That obviously never was the case. I cut off contact.

At this point I unfortunately was already in love with her, so going cold turkey was unpleasant, but I think it was the smartest move. A few days later however my ex gf tried to kill herself in front of me, which also was a lot to swallow. I didn't feel like I could deal with both at once I contacted her again. She said she wanted to meet, because she was worried about me. And when we did we started to make out again (btw. it was always her who initiated that). After about 3 hours of making out she said she didn't change her mind about us and feels guilty. I drove her home. The following days she started to answer less and less to my text. And when I did not get a reply for a whole day I gave up (again, see where this is going?). The next night at 5am I get a bunch of messages, telling me how sorry she is, that she misses me, was really busy and wants to talk on the phone. Unfortunately I gave in, we schedule to meet for tuesday. On monday I ask her about the specific time and she is still down, the conversation went like this:


me: so what about tomorrow?
her: if I can write my [some university stuff] at your place why not? (she wouldve never done that, no idea why she asked)
me: sure, when?
her: wait, I dont want to give you a certain yes, let me think about it
me: ok

And then there was radio silence until tuesday evening. It obviously drove me nuts, since its disrespecting torwards me and my time.
Tuesday in the evening she wrote me a bunch of messages while I was working. Since I was busy I could only peak at them. It was something about how she had a crazy day, a pic, a video. Half an hour later she followed up with something like "oh youre probably angry" and something else. As soon as I was done working all of those messages were deleted.

A little more about her I guess: she is a very kind girl (at least she used to be) that doesnt like to party. Still a virgin. Seems to have some bonding issues or at least told me so. Both of us want to start a family asap and are pretty conservative, which is one of the reasons I like her so much. The deleted texts happened 10 days ago, this was the last interaction we had.
To me it feels like she got interested into someone else, but she told me I'm the only guy who she is not disgusted by and that she pretty much behaves like she is married. Is she lying? I don't think so, I hope not, but I have no idea.

So what am I supposed to do? It obviously hurt me a lot, but I still have feelings for her. I tried meeting other girls, but it's not fun.
Does she even have feelings for me or is she just playing with me heart?

Thanks a lot to anyone who took the time to read through those spaghetti.


OP, would you agree that a pattern of behavior has been established that is inimical to a healthy relationship between you two? If yes, then find some other floosy to date.

So even if she isn't interested in someone else, which seems unlikely but in the hypothetical situation that she isnt, this is not only annoying and childish, but disrespectful, as you said user, to your time and feelings. I personally wouldn't bother, kind of went through something relatively similar and just threw it away. Ended up better-ing myself and moving on.

>OP, would you agree that a pattern of behavior has been established that is inimical to a healthy relationship between you two?
That seems to be the case. I am still attatched to the thought that at some point she will have overcome her bounding issues or whatever she is having and we will actually be able to function like a proper couple. (She always said that as soon as she dealt with that she would like to be with me, but has no idea how long it will take.) But that obviously could be just a bullshit excuse and she actually doesnt want to be with me.

>If yes, then find some other floosy to date.
Yeah, thats the thing, I dont want to date a floosy.

Good luck OP, find someone ready for a relationship. She clearly is not.

You are right. I asked her a few times if there is someone else and she denied it, I don't think she is lying, but I guess it could very well be true. And you're right about everyhting else.

It's just really unpleasant right now since I already developed so much feelings for her and planed out our whole future in my head (silly, I know.) And, like when I cut contact to her before my ex tried to kill herself, it seems like every day that passes makes the heartsickness just worse.

Where the fuck do I find people ready for a relationship though? I work from home and hate going outside. I tried online dating, but the girls I met so far were not special. And it seems to be expected that you have sex on the first date.

Let me guess, you used Tinder?

Yes, are other dating apps any better?


Be a man, call and tell her you want to say something important and need to meet in person ASAP for 5 minutes. Drive to her place tell her that you really care about her and would find her a suitable gf and want to help her with her trust issues. But you can only do it if she let’s you in and tries to open up. Mention that what she did the last time was not respectful and nice of her and you wouldn’t be accepting such warm/cold behaviour but you have the determination and love to help her. Ask her how she feels about you.

Hey, first of all thanks for taking the time to read everything and reply.
>tell her that you really care about her and would find her a suitable gf and want to help her with her trust issues
I did that already, actually twice and was turned down both times. I don't see it anyway different this time. Especially since right now she has to feel a negative emotion torwards me. Either she doesn't care about me or is upset about me not contacting her. So I don't think I should ask her to be my gf. But maybe I should reach out to her and ask her how shes feeling about me. Doesn't seem like I have much to lose. But also doesn't seem like I have much to gain. Shit, I don't know.

Just be patient and keep going about your life. Dating apps aren't good for long lasting relationships in most cases, so digging through them is just going to disappoint you.
As far as you hating going outside, you're gonna have to get over that because most people won't want a partner who refuses to go outside.
Also you have a better chance of finding someone who suits you along the course of your daily activities (if you start having things to do that you like outside, I mean) than on an app.

I absolutely despise going outside. I like going on hikes with my pupper, but I doing stuff around other people. So that disqualifies me from ever getting a gf?

Going on hikes with your dog is actually a good way to meet a girl. Maybe take kinda common trails some days.

I live in the city. There are barely any young people who own dogs. Too much responsability, they would rather major in a useless subject and sleep with Chad every other day.

>Too much responsability, they would rather major in a useless subject and sleep with Chad every other day.
Nvm, you'll never get a gf

>I hate humor

Just be straight to the point. Tell her you love her. Maybe her trust issues go way deeper and she’s playing mind games not knowing wether to trust you with her feelings. However, then you need to consider wether you want to put up with it and help her change. My boyfriend decided to stick to me through good and bad and I ended up being able to overcome my trust issues. It took 4 years though.

4 years of what? 4 years of somewhat dating? 4 years of being friends? Or 4 years of being in a relationship with you?
Did you act as crazy torwards him in the beginning as she did? Do you think I even got a chance?

Thanks again