So, I have pretty much decided already. there are plenty of reasons to not be around anymore...

so, I have pretty much decided already. there are plenty of reasons to not be around anymore, that much doesn't need any more ruminating from my part, it's clear to me.

the main thing that bothers me still is the mess it leaves behind.
I know someone will have to clean up after me, no matter the method I choose, but I would like to keep the mess to a minimum if I can, it just feels unfair to whoever's gonna deal with it. so, to anyone that is comfortable discussing it, what is the less messy method?

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user dont do it. if you really wanna go out at least take out the biggest loan you can maybe 25 k or something and just leave whever u are and backpack whereever it takes you, after u back pack or whatever if you still want to end it then do it. i did this and it helped me change my view on life.

You're giving in to a lie, user. The lie is making you alone. There are lives that will never be saved if you leave now.

heavy-ass bricks tied tight to legs, jump off a bridge
no mess left behind

with that said, i've been thinking about suicide ways a lot in the past few months and i'd rather leave
like, straight up go somewhere entirely different and alien, like europe>asia, leaving everything behind
if you can't make it there, then you die and nothing really changes
it's a huge culture and body and psychological shock that might just be enough to jolt you back to life too, even if unlikely
and if it does, then it'll 100% be hella different from what you've got going on here

basically, nothing to lose, so just go broke
that's my rationale, i'm basically just waiting for my mother to die at this point as i'm the only person left that can take care of her, and don't want to abandon her
once that's over, i'll do exactly what i've described

I have considered doing this, user. Taking a trip to somewhere far away and all. I came to the conclusion that for me it won't work because I can't run away from everything that I think it's wrong with my life, wherever I am, it will be there. not sure if I am able to explain it properly.
I am a social normie, so I hang out with people and even when I am in a pleasant environment and feeling good about myself, I still can't just let go thinking about the things that are wrong in my life and I can't really change.
I have this in my mind for a very long time, and now that I am much older, I realize its about time I just do it. just trying to figure out some shit before I finally gather the courage, I guess.

thanks, I didn't consider the bridge option before.

what do you mean?

they're not telling you to run away from your problems. They're trying to tell you that distance and perspective changes can help you manage them. They didn't say take a trip and never come home, that would be running away.

and what is trying to intimate is that your conscience warning about the mess you leave behind is more than just the simple biohazard, its that you have more connections to people and the world than you're correctly verbalising right now.

And also, barring major physical ailment, they're also saying whatever your problem(s) are, they are not likely unique only to you, and that its a lie that is isolating you.

which brings me to my post: What makes you think any of the reasons to not be around anymore are exclusive to you? I'm curious what goes on in the mind to justify suicide.

I realize they didn't advise me to run away. But I feel like to me a change of perspective, although it might be fun for a while, it's not a definitive fix, it will come back around to me eventually. Because it just does. There are things wrong with my life that I can't really change. There's no amount of self improvement and optimism that would change these situations I got going on, because some things are simply out of your reach sometimes, user.
Some people just get a bad hand at life, I guess. I'm not gonna pretend I got it all figured out, cause I don't. I dont have any exclusive struggles or anything, I am not special, plenty of people probably feel the same way I do, and probably a lot of them just suck it up and live their lives until they eventually die. I can't tell you a reason why I think I am just not strong enough to do that myself. The way I justify suicide to myself is just realizing how powerless I am. Now that I am actively trying to justify it with words and reason, it's actually pretty hard to, I know it's nonsense to want to die, since it's the main goal to whatever is alive to stay that way, but it just makes sense to me. It just does, like that's the only way I can get some rest or something. Sorry I can`t really explain it better.
When you have a feeling you're doing overtime in life all the time, it's hard to feel the will to keep going, and it snowballs downhill pretty hard, I guess.

I realize that a suicide is gonna be a bad thing to think about for anyone that ever met me. But at the same time, I have seen how these things go, people that commit suicide. Everybody will move on, as they should, and that's fine. It's gonna be kind of a bummer to them, and that's it, at best.
I have no immediate family that would suffer and really miss me at all.
So although I realize this would suck for others, I know they can move on from this and not have their lives affected by this so badly.

Are you healthy at least, because I have Ankylosing Spondylitis, and just a few seconds ago I was thinking about ending it as well, but if you're healthy, it's really a huge shame, it's not worth it, you already have a huge plus over me, don't waste it.

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We don't want to die, even when we think we do.
I think this is probably because we were meant to achieve immortality (more or less), but that's just my perception of reality.
Truly suicidal thoughts manifest as a compulsion, I think, and this is why it's often suggested that people are not in their right minds when they go through with it. Some people suffer with horrible diseases that incapacitate them, so for them it may be a logical decision, but they are still mostly just reacting to their environment beyond that.
Is it the case that you are in constant agony, or do you simply feel nothing anymore?

>The way I justify suicide to myself is just realizing how powerless I am

Have you tried praying, give it a try, ask God in the most sincere way to help you get through this and to show himself to you, pour your heart to him, and he will listen, give it some time and he will answer, I know that people don't want to hear this but it's the truth, and realizing how powerless you are is the first step.

>Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

user, I was in your very same position exactly 10 years ago. Almost the very same case: I was truly depressed, everyday I thought in end everything. I had a highly detailed plan. I wrote a letter trying to explain why a had took my life. I sent some text messages to my girlfriend (now my wife), telling her sorry and how much I love her (I didn’t tell what exactly will do) . I was really bad user, desperate, and I did try, and thanks God I failed. I couldn't sleep for several days. Nobody knows what was happening to me. Suddenly the things started to workout to me, I find a good jod, I get very close to my girl. Almost 4 years after that event, I got married. When my wife was cleaning our house, couple months after the wedding, she found the letter, I forgot to destroy it. She cried. I deny everything and told her, it was a material for a short story.

user, I won't lie, my life is never easy, I recently I did something that I will regret for long time, and that put me in kind of the same position that I was 10 years ago, the depression, the anxiety, the abandonment feeling, I realize that I can lie myself because everything is there and I just need something to awake the monster. This time was different, I looked for help and I found it: I'm seeing a therapist and my view of life is changing, very slowly but it is changing. Is hard, I don't want to take pills, so I'm trying to figure out everything in my spirit and my soul. Is never late to help yourself bro. Believe me, It crush my heart whenever I think in all mess that I will leave behind me, all the pain, the questions that will never have an answer to my beloved ones. Don't do it bro.

Wait until everyone who knows you is dead before you do it

>Truly suicidal thoughts manifest as a compulsion, I think

I didn't think of it this way, but it kind of makes sense. I do have compulsive thoughts and actions, and they manifest in different ways, and I can definitely see this. I can definitely see when I am doing something to get away from things, to soothe myself, a lot of times. Small and harmless things or big harmful things as well. I definitely am not in my right mind, although I am not delusional or psychotic or anything. I recognize that.

>Is it the case that you are in constant agony, or do you simply feel nothing anymore?

I think I feel nothing anymore, and when I do, it's not good. I am capable of feeling okay sometimes and all, but it isn't complete, and I can't let go of bad thoughts even when I am at a good environment. But that might be compulsion as well, honestly. When I am in agony, it feels like it's always been there, but I just put it aside for a moment, and then it comes back with full force. I can't tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep, and a lot of the times I feel like a moron for not being able to think anything but "life is pointless".

I have prayed before, yes. I never renounced god in my life, ever. I am still here. if he decides to pay some mind to me, that'd be great, but as it is right now, I don't wanna sound like I'm demanding or anything, but it's been pretty hopeless for me. and it's been a very long time. I'm just this weak ass person, I can only wait so much, you know. I'm sure god understands.

sorry to hear this, user. and no, I am not healthy.

>all the pain, the questions that will never have an answer to my beloved ones

this was something that bothered me as well but I am slowly convincing myself it's not a big deal. like I said I have no family, at least no one that cares about me at all. if I died in my apartment right now, it would probably take weeks until someone decided to even call me. let alone check on me. I'm not exaggerating, there is no one that would care to check on me at all, let's say if an accident happened to me and I needed assistance, I would probably be fucked.
I know someone out there that I don't even imagine would probably be a little upset if I was gone, I guess. but they're more fit than I am so they can get over things and move on, I hope.

I'm glad to hear you got better, user. it's always good to see that. I'm really sorry I can't change my mind by reading your story tho. And I mean it, I really wish it would just change my mindset to not wanting to die, inspire me to get some will to live again, but it just doesn't happen. I don't know why.

a tad impractical, if I was to wait for people to die I might as well live the full lenght of my life, so not really a good plan.

user i aint gonna give ya the same speech youre gonna get a million times but i think you could do yourself a favour by discussing your problems with some anons. Its up to you in the end, ill leave ya with pic related and hope to see many of your shite threads another day

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>but it's been pretty hopeless for me. and it's been a very long time. I'm just this weak ass person, I can only wait so much

You have no idea how much I can relate to this, we have to persevere, it's extremely hard sometimes you just want to drag the cover onto your coffin that's been your life, you're like a ghost walking through a sea of happy people , this is how I feel most of the times, like I'm in a black and white corner while everyone is happy , healthy and cheerful, which isn't the case at all, give it some time, that's what I do at least, and not lose faith because that's the most important thing, I know sometimes it's like pouring acid onto an open wound that's how I felt when I first got my AS diagnosis, but with time you kinda accept, it took me 8 years to start praying again, and during this time, I can't say he left me because the pain levels were non-existent, hopefully, you will pull through this.

Thanks friends. I appreciate you guys relating to me and trying to talk to me about this but I'm not sure it's possible for me to change my mind anymore.

Anyway, to come back to the thread, I was thinking I should go take a hike. We have many forests around. I can get a hold of a firearm, even though it's illegal here, cause I know some people and shit. For some reason, being outdoors makes me feel like it's less of a mess. They might never even find me, if I'm lucky.
If I did it at my apartment that'd suck for my landlord, and the poor man doesn't deserve this, I can't do that.
That's the least worse way I could think of so far. Besides jumping off a bridge, but that shit sounds scary.

Sorry bro, I know you feel sad and hopeless, but at least one person in this world is bidding for you, to stay with us: me. Don't do it user.

I can't say how much I appreciate reading something like this. It's very heartwarming to realize a stranger on the internet would take the time to write down they care that I am around. You're a nice person, user.
I'm truly a piece of shit, I've convinced myself others will have to suck it up because I've made up my mind already. I'm selfish and weak. Only more reasons for me to just go already.

Honestly? Probably pills, or hanging yourself. If you can find some way to do it in a bathtub I would imagine that would be easiest to clean, worst case scenario they need to put in a new tub

Unfortunately I don't have a tub in my apartment. Also I just feel a little bad about leaving such a mess for my landlord to find, he's a nice man and it just makes me feel bad to imagine it.
thanks for the insight, user.

You could always go to a seedy motel or something. Someplace with shitty reviews.
I'd try to convince you not to but if you're anything like me, I know anything short of a real live person coming to your door wont help

Cut your throat in the middle of a forest and be eaten by wild animals back to earth, like Diogenes would have loved

Probably jumping off of a bridge, no mess.

Huh. Interesting idea. Thanks for the insight.

Take some people down with you. It humbles humanity.

feed your body to polar bears for nature and all that

You can always choose to fight it, have you sought help of any kind medication wise?

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Basically weighing my body down after taking a boat out into the ocean or taking a trip and offing myself somewhere remote and pretend it was an accident not suicide so my family isn't too sad

I always thought of going to the middle of a near forest, stab myself and let my body rot in there. Naked.

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what's the fucking point in killing yourself
you're gonna die eventually so you might as well just drop everything that's giving you grief and do something interesting

join the military. You will be seen as a brave hero and you also give your family a pension. But dont kys,its better to just live through it and smoke weed

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I've been considering checking into a hotel and hanging myself there, maybe leave a note warning whoever walks in about what they're about to see.

Why do you care if you're not going to exist anymore?