No erection on first time together


There's this guy that I liked from the first time I saw him. He happened to be a common friend, and I was surprised to see that we had so much in common the first time we happened to talk. Even more surprised when he started messaging me right after we got introduced.

Things took off almost immediately, with a couple of weeks of chatting and then his suggestion to go to a movie together. I don't like dates where both sides do nothing for most of the time so as soon as I confirmed that it was indeed a date, I kissed him, and for a week since then we've been casually dating, along with the usual humping etc.

I thought that maybe I'm taking too long to "progress" the relationship, especially after something he said about finding it funny that we keep humping but not doing anything more, saying that it would make sense if we were 16. Truth is I didn't have time to invite him to my place earlier, and I also thought it would be moving things too fast, but I thought he was right so I invited him over the next time.

So here's the deal. He could not get an erection, at all. He was ok all the other times we were making out but not this time. I assume it could be due to stress, but naturally I also blame myself. I consider myself way above average and I never had an issue with men liking me, but turns out that one of the few times I actually like someone back he may not even like me that much. I don't know what to think about it and there's not many places online I can look for advice. I don't want our thing to end because of this, but things are not looking too bright, as he hasn't messaged me in two days after that (which is completely understandable).

How should I handle this situation if I want to give it another chance? What did I do wrong (eg. did I proceed too fast?)
I wouldn't want something similar to ever happen to me, and if it was my fault in any way I want to make sure I don't repeat the same mistake.

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Relax OP, your buddy had an performance anxiety issue, his boner went away because he become too much concious about having sex with you.
You said he had an erection with you before? Then it's allright
Next time go slow and prolong a fun makeout session before going for his genitals. And if he is still sleeping, try other parts of his body, or suck his limp dick

he became*

It happens to the best of us. I'm a pretty experienced womanizer, I have no problem getting a strong rock hard erection either alone or with someone I've been with more than a few times. But easily 50% of the time I can't get any more than a semi the first time with a girl.

If I were you and I liked this guy I wouldn't even give it a second thought. Just keep seeing him. If you've tried 3 or 4 times and he couldn't get a proper hard-on, then yeah he might have an issue. But first time is usually just a combination of nerves because he likes you back, excitement, and overstimulation. He's probably having his own internal meltdown over it right now. You know he is capable of getting an erection cause you've seen it before, so just chalk it up to nerves and try again next date.

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My boyfriend had the same issue the first few times we slept together.
I just cuddled him and smiled, and told him he's awesome and I get that he's nervous, and I was very nervous too because I really wanted our first time to be perfect. And told him it was perfect because I was with him.
We made out for a while, started petting, and then I got on top of him for a while and things were good.

First of all, you can't imagine how much this response soothed me, thank you.

But about that "next time", how should that come up? Clearly I must have stressed him out enough the first time so that he won't even reach out to me since that time, so how can I be sure it won't happen again? (since he must be even more stressed this time)

I want to talk to him, but I also want to give him space if this is what he needs. I like him a lot but I don't want to be pushy and eventually make things even worse.

The more you make it a thing, the more of a thing it will become. Just drop the whole thing. Forget it. Let everything happen naturally. If he can't get hard, don't bring it up, just take charge of the situation - go down on him, or stroke him and kiss him, or tell him how sexy you find him. Soothing his nerves and taking his mind of his desire to perform for you is the best thing you can do.

Should I just message him and ask him on a date? Or should I give him some more time before talking to him? I'm sure he is having an internal meltdown over it because otherwise he would have reached out to me until now.

Was meant for but I guess it's also a general question.

If you like to go on another date with the guy, why shouldn't you ask him on a date? Guys appreciate it when girls that the initiative, because 99% of the time it's entirely left to us to initiate everything. When a girl asks you out it's usually a breath of fresh air.

Just make it clear you're asking him out on another date, and make sure that you suggest what the date will be and when. If he wants another date with you, I can guarantee he'll jump at the chance.

Don't think about the next time, it will happen when it happens. Like the other user said, don't make a thing of it.
But you should talk to him about it. This happened not long ago? and haven't talked since then? Try and make it less awkward for him, tell him, "Hey, about what happened, I know you were nervous because I was too, so lets just relax and don't make a thing of it, lets wait until it happens, no pressures or hard feelings"

'Let's not make a thing of it, by talking about it and literally making a thing of it'


>lets just relax and don't make a thing of it
is not enough to make a thing of it.
How's that reading comprehension going?

Hes a FtM. No dick there OP.

Bringing it up and acknowledging that it's a thing that she noticed and it concerned her enough to bring it up in conversation at a later date... yeah, that's literally making a thing of it you mongoloid.

It's better for all parties involved to not say a fucking thing. Telling him she noticed it will just give him even more performance anxiety.

OP, just ask the guy out on another date. He'll love that you're taking the initiative. When you're down to do the no pants dance, take the lead, show him and tell him how sexy he is to you and how much you want him (guys love that because it happens *way* to fucking infrequently), and enjoy the situation. If he starts stressing out because his dick isn't getting hard, just stop him with a kiss, tell him it's not important, to relax, and let you take charge. If you seem stressed about it, I can guarantee he's going to get stressed about it. The less you make it out that his dick getting hard is important (or that you've given it any thought at all), the more likely his dick is to get hard.

usually performance issues come about because men don't feel welcome, in other words, even if you both like each other, there was something about the encounter that subconsciously made him feel like he shouldn't fuck you.

>Bringing it up and acknowledging that it's a thing that she noticed and it concerned her enough to bring it up in conversation at a later date... yeah, that's literally making a thing of it you mongoloid.
Both of them knows what happened and also know the other knows.
Not making a thing of it means not having an argument of what happened, just acknowledge the fact and moving on. It doesn't mean ignore it completely because that's not possible at this point.
Do you have social relations? This is like the ABCs of not making a fuss of things. Or are you austistic? I ask because you take the "not making a thing of it by not talking of it" so literally, like an assburgers.

OP here. How can we pretend it's not a thing when it was clearly an issue at the moment that it happened? I mean we went to have sex and his dick was limp, which lead us to not having sex. It's already an issue, so I'm trying to make it a non-issue in retrospect.

>OP, just ask the guy out on another date
I just did. At first after the small talk I asked him if he wants to go on another date and he said he's not sure if he knows how to deal with it. I told him I don't mind because I understand it was I that stressed him, but from my part nothing has changed and I want to see him again because I like him. He said he'll get back to me after work so now I kinda wanna die.
Either way it's better than being ghosted I guess.

Probably yes. I think I progressed things too fast, which might have reasonably stressed him. Like I didn't call him at my place to watch a movie or do something pointless, we just arrived after a date and told him to follow me with pretty clear intentions. I guess small talk is important after all.

Ignore that user. Don't make a thing of it but talk about it. It's obvious both of you know, so, just don't make a big deal of it, make him feel good about himself and how much you like him

>He said he'll get back to me after work so now I kinda wanna die.
Relax, give him time, he is obviously worried about this, maybe want to talk of it with his male friend to decide his next move. He answered you, that's a good sign, he still likes you.

The guy has performance anxiety with a new partner. What's going to make that worse?

a) the partner telling him she noticed the performance anxiety and not to worry about it, causing the guy to become hyper-focused on his performance anxiety the next time theyre together, exacerbating the situation


b) not mentioning it at all (i.e. not consciously identifying that the performance anxiety is a 'thing' they are dealing with) and allowing him to deal with it, without the added pressure of knowing she is concerned enough about it to discuss it with him

Lmao I'm sorry but if you can't see how 'o-o-onichan i noticed you didn't get hard last time we were together, but don't worry it's not a big deal just relax' is a more damaging way to deal with transient performance anxiety in a couple that have only really just started dating, you're clinically retarded.

Not saying anything isn't ignoring it. She is here asking and taking active advice on how to deal with the situation from her end, he is undoubtedly aware and capable of dealing with the situation from his end; if she follows the advice in this thread things will go fine without any conversation necessary. The only circumstance that this should be discussed between them is the next time they hook up if he has performance anxiety again, or after they've successfully hooked up. Talking about it beforehand simply increases the expectation of performance on him and makes the whole situation worse.

Well, she did talk to him about it so, point not taken. I know you mean well, but seriously, what you're saying is wrong.
Going around "like nothing happened" it's a sure road for problems, and not just in this case, it's a rule for all awkward events in life.

> How can we pretend it's not a thing when it was clearly an issue at the moment that it happened?

There's a difference between acknowledging something is a problem in the moment, and then rehashing it over again at a later point. Performance anxiety is one of those things where it's fine to acknowledge in the moment, but re-hashing over it later just increases the expectation of performance for the next time - if he brings it up, fine, if you bring it up, all you're doing it re-highlighting in his mind how much you noticed and how much of an issue it was for you.

If you made it clear to him in the moment that it was fine and you're ok with it, that's all that needs to be said or done. Saying it all again will just amp up his anxiety.

> I mean we went to have sex and his dick was limp, which lead us to not having sex.

Defining the problem as 'we didn't have sex' doesn't help, either, because all it does is focus negatively on the problem. The issue is 'he was anxious when we tried to have sex', so that's what you should be working on resolving - what can you do to reduce his anxiety?

In my book:
- assume the burden for pursuing him for another date (which you've already done)
- clearly express your sexual desire for him and his attractiveness to you
- take the lead sexually so he is engaged with responding to your impetus, rather than trying to process being the lead, reducing his stress

> It's already an issue, so I'm trying to make it a non-issue in retrospect.

And so not re-hashing what the guy already knows is an issue (and from the response you got to asking him out, is beating himself up over already) is the best way to make it a non-issue.

>take the lead sexually so he is engaged with responding to your impetus, rather than trying to process being the lead, reducing his stress
Actually I think that was the main problem, that I constantly took the lead. He went with the flow, which doesn't necessarily mean he was ready for it.

I think the only way to save this situation is by taking it slow, and even if we get together again at my place, I shouldn't start making out right away. Probably start with something chill like a drink and watching a movie, and if things take off then cool. Does that sound okay?

Sounds a lot better


also this, can confirm about the 50%. Some men are just slow at first, and it's usually due to overthinking (or possibly intoxication.) I don't even get meltdowns over this anymore, since I at some point learnt how not to make thesituation uncomfortable with a pinch of self-irony. It's possible to show her a good time, even if the d doesn't want to keep up.

>so how can I be sure it won't happen again?
You can't, and turning this into a dealbreaker won't help your cause. If you want to make this relationship happen, you should focus on the long term. So what if he can't get an erection the first three, five or eight times you try? You'll still have potentially thousands of successful fucks to look forward to. If you want to reach out to him, without making this an elephant in the room, be straightforward with him and tell him exactly what I just wrote.

>hey user, I want you bad, and I know it can be stressful and awkward in the beginning, but if you're up for it we're going to fuck hundreds of times, so let's not let a few misses get in the way of that. I just want to feel your body close to mine, and let what happens happen.

I’m going through a similar situation. Guess I’ve rushed things up as well.

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>messaged me in two days
this is considered long?

>I consider myself way above average
I highly doubt you are, sorry, but you are posting here about your relationship problems.

>but if you're up for it we're going to fuck hundreds of times
OP here, I'm afraid if I say it I'll be marked as a terrorist for the poor guy. We've been dating for just over a week and I know him for less than a month, I'd rather not make him think I'm trying to chain him.

I'll try the chill route (as much as I can - if it's not obvious by now I lack any form of chill) and see how it goes. At worst we will break up, which is better than making the guy uncomfortable anyway.

All the advice in this thread is really helpful, thank you anons.

you sound pretty stupid and useless as a girlfriend, just leave him alone

Dude I'm not here to brag about my looks. I've never had issues with having guys after me, and it was me that turned them down so far. I do lack tact though, which leads me to awkward situations like this one.
Also I understand that I can't be everyone's cup of tea and the guy might indeed not like me that much. However looks in general (eg. he saw me in my underwear and was disappointed, while him seeing me fully clothed was ok) is certainly not the problem.

How old are you, anonette?
Women who are no bullshit, straightforward are usually good women. If this guy is intimmidated by this, he might not be your best option, but by all means try the chill route, whatever that means. If you're not going to ease him into an erection, you'd best hope that he knows how to do it himself.

I'm 27, he's 31.

I doubt you are good looking as you think you are. I'm sorry but your ego is too big and it's causing a problem. He just doesn't find you attractive.

Then there shouldn't be any issues in the way of sincere straight talk.

This is bait, leave him be

And another bait, what is it with these people, this is Jow Forums not /b/

>anything against my opinion is bait

Your opinions have no ground and are mostly directed to offend the receptor so yeah, bait 101.

She mentioned that she is 'way better than average', egotistical. I don't have to justify why. OP just stay away from him.

so, focusing on the 5% of the total OP said is gound enough? And you actually believe what you wrote? Ok lol.
OP, don't listen to this guy.

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>call doc
>walk to walmart and get $1.50 generic viagra the same day

That would make too much sense of course.
Better to bitch about it on Jow Forums.

white knight

You are a fucking retard. You think that he magically didn't notice that his cock was still soft when there was an attractive naked woman waiting to be smashed? 100% he's thinking about it right fucking now and mentally freaking out. Why do you think he ghosted for 2 days?

Jesus Christ I wish you stupid rp'ing fucks with no experience would stop trying to give retarded advice.

Thank you and mentally sanepilled

Don't bring it up at all, it will make it worse. Some guys just need to feel comfortable around a partner before things can transpire into sex, just hang out as you normally do and it will happen within the next few times you guys hang out. It's hard to understand not having a penis but for a lot of guys there is a tremendous amount of pressure on them to perform and that can fuck with their head sometimes. Let him make the moves at his own pace

>the usual humping
Not usual desu, it's weird.

I meant makeout sessions against the wall etc. Not like legit humping, just pressing onto one another, so it was enough to know if he was hard or not.

this happened to me once though i was quite drunk des, was spooked to go at it again but it really helped that the girl didin't make a big deal out of it and we just cuddled afterwards
what happened to you after the unfortunate turn of events?

We played some videogames. I didn't get the vibe that he was feeling any better though, unfortunately.

>calls out bait
>gets baited

This. If he has something to say on the matter, am sure he will if he feels comfortable, not judged (not saying you do but if you sighed and went to sleep that's probably not a good sign).
I might have missed what your response was?

Also has he had many sexual partners before?

well after it happened to me i talked to her about it, made me feel better just to get it off my chest and not have it be a thing we just pretend didint happen
although not all guys are like this so it's hard to say
but if he doesnt text u in a day or so i would hit him up if i were you

fuck didint mean to send wanted to say that he might not be texting because he thinks he just fucked everything up and what not

It was still evening, so we played some games and then he left. I told him that the only reason it would make me sad would be if it had something to do with me, but if it was just a stress issue I'd like us to keep going. He seemed bummed about it (in general) and he left.

Update is that he messaged me after , but it's just small talk and he didn't say anything about if he wants to go on another date. I'll take it as a "kinda", I guess.

I really feel bad for guys and how high the expectations for sex performance are. Tbh some sloppy 20-second sex would be okay in my book for the first time but I wasn't prepared for what happened. I wish I could have handled it better right away.

I don't feel it was anything to do with you, or how you looked without your clothes on.
If he was excited beforehand, that is very likely not going to change with less clothing.
The fact he didn't indicate it was you does seem to support that.

It does sound like he was up for it but for whatever reason couldn't keep focussed on the task in hand.

Deeper issue on his side, so given your reaction I don't think you handled it badly.

Expectations can be high on both sides, unfortunate as that is nowadays.

You didn't comment on his ex's though - no idea or can you guage from how he acted beforehand?
Could just be he's new to this and it's a storm in a tea cup

>You didn't comment on his ex's though - no idea or can you guage from how he acted beforehand?
My bad, I forgot. He said he had two relationships before, and it has happened to him once again. From body language I think it was more than once but not something like a common thing. One of these relationships lasted for two years, and he noted that feeling comfortable with knowing the other person well played a big part for him.

So I guess that's bad for my case, since we weren't really friends before and our thing took off almost right after we started talking. We're still getting to know each other.

Also we had some foreplay and he was doing well at it, so he definitely has some experience.

>total virgin
>get a cute small gf
>nails all my fetishes
>even though I was arrogant and a "tough guy", I had zero sexual experience
>first time we kiss a lightning bolt hits my brain that feels like an awakening of sexual prowess
>immediately go after her body, remove her clothes and do everything possible to make her cum
>she squirts from me fingering her
>this arouses me like nothing else, my brain melts and I throw her legs up to her head
>but my peepee soft
>can't understand wtf is going on why my peepee isn't hard We've been practicing for this moment for years wtf are the doin
>out of desperation go to the computer and start looking at porn and try jacking off to get hard
>she's mildly confused but super horny and just wants me to get my dick hard however possible
>it's not working, get angry and give up

This happened a second time but then I said fuck it and went as slow as possible. We kissed and I groped her whole body for 30 minutes getting her hot until finally Mr man awakened and was ready to go to work. Ever since then I have to be "in the mood" like a woman to control my boner level.

S'ok :)
I'd take it from this he's got plenty experience with the foreplay and not much with the deed itself.
Again I dunno if it's something deeper or just only tried a few times and the pressure or anticipation caused issues.
I'd say once you fail the first time, it's going to be harder the next time and probably for a while after, no pun intended.

Your cue right there is plenty of time together being comfortable and let things move at their own pace - this may or may not suit you of course.