How do I learn to forgive my mom? She's been a good mom to me for most of my life except for a few years when I started puberty. During this time she was going through menopause and was on antidepressants, so she was very angry all the time. She often screamed at me, cursed at me, threw things, made me cry, and was overly critical of everything I did. She flew into a rage at the slightest thing. I was a good kid, did really well in school, didn't hang out with bad people, didn't do drugs or break the law, and these outbursts of hers were in response to things like me leaving clothes on the floor or dishes in my room.
Despite being larger and stronger than her, even at that age, I was afraid of her and dreaded coming home. I was on edge for years, always worried that she would start screaming or throwing things at any second. Whenever I would try to stand up for myself in an argument, she would tell me to hit her like my father used to and I would run to the bathroom and cry. I grew to hate myself and be scared of everyone.
It's been almost ten years, and even though my mom has mellowed out and is back to being very sweet, I still struggle with these issues. If I ever try to bring this time up to get any closure, she shrugs it off and doesn't see it as a big deal, even though it really affected me. I've been in therapy and on medication for years.
I don't love her, I don't like her, I don't feel anything for her, and I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. What do I do, bros? Sorry for the long read.
>I don't love her, I don't like her, I don't feel anything for her Then stop prodding and move on. You have no obligation to keep her a part of your life.
Jacob Taylor
You have no obligation to her, move on.
Luke Morris
She did what she could for you user, there's no point in holding a grudge. Recognize her weakness, learn why she got to that point, and make sure you never do the same to your own kids. That's all you can do.
Respect your mother, faggots
Gavin Wood
I got raised in a dysfunctional home. Parents always argued, they got divorced when I was in high school. My dad was a bigot and my mom was abusive. She used to shove me, hit me, and trap me in my room. One day I shoved her back and she burst into tears, screaming how a could ever hit his mother. But she never did hit me again.
To this day, she is very paranoid and distrusting of me and the people I hang out with/date. She makes offhand and offensive comments, she treats me as if I were a helpless child, and likes to threaten with a lot.
On the flip side she gave me a house to grow up him, gave me money when I begged her for video games as a kid, cooked every night, and did a bunch of other motherly things.
It is very difficult to deal with a love hate relationship with your parents. Even more so after I got older because I found out about her own miserable past and the events that happened with my idiot dad, so now I could easily rationalize why she became the way she did. But that isn't a justification for the treatment I suffered.
I never went to therapy, and although I live separated I don't think I'll leave her in the dust. Truth is, I feel bad for her. I'm all she's got, and despite the abuse I still care deeply about her. She just has no major role in my life anymore. Everything is separate from her. I plan on keeping it this way till she passes, but I know that's going to be a tragic, confusing day for me.
Best of luck
Hunter Cook
We owe our parents for what they provide for us.
Noah Baker
Growing up in single mother homes clearly fucks people up. Just look at all these comments.
Forgive your mother so that you can move on. You can have love for her, cuz you wouldn't be alive otherwise, but be smart enough to not allow her to affect your adult life. You make your own decisions now and her involvement in your life is under your control.
Carson Harris
>It is very difficult to deal with a love hate relationship with your parents. Even more so after I got older because I found out about her own miserable past and the events that happened with my idiot dad, so now I could easily rationalize why she became the way she did. But that isn't a justification for the treatment I suffered. This. My mother busted her ass off because my father is an overtly complacent neet and wouldn't mind sitting jobless around the whole week (like he does now anyway). This in turn made her an angry smothering wreck that not only lost sight of her dreams, but made her a person I feared to confront all my adult life. She literally spent half a year peppering every single conversation with berating and taunting me because I decided to grow long hair, concluding with dropping me off in front of the barber shop without warning - I was 25 then. She keeps asking me why I'm not talking to her, why I'm repaying her affection with distance and anger, and why I won't take her to a restaurant or something. Truth be told, the thought didn't even cross my mind. I feel like she's the biggest jam in my emotional development and it's impossible to convince her about it.
I can't even make up my mind on how to react. Part of me wants to forgive her and stay home, part wants to leave, part wants to scream at her, part wants to stay and torment her back for how she fucked me up with her gaslighting and domineering attitude, part wants to believe that it was all a big misunderstanding on my part and if I take her to that restaurant, everything will suddenly be fine. She keeps talking to me about how her heart aches, but I can't even tell whether she means it for real or she's exaggerating on purpose to emotionally control me. It's tearing me apart and I feel like I'll lose and hurt everyone involved no matter what I say or do.
Zachary Perry
And I still feel totally indebted to her... she's provided me with shelter, food, and maternal love, she's literally built a whole house with the intent to make us a happy family again. But she's quick to remind me that it was all because of her, which in turn makes me feel like I don't possess anything of my own and I live in an eternal debt that's impossible to pay off.
What I truly crave is excitement, experience, adventure, danger, friendship, sex - things that I simply can't get in this padded cell of smothering she's built up around me... but she'll always brush it all away that "these things will come eventually, just be patient, you haven't missed out on anything don't worry" and I just don't believe that shit anymore. Sorry for blogpost btw I needed to vent.
Jack Peterson
it sounds like theres more to it than just menopause by what you mentioned about your father
Cooper Brown
I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly, for the vast majority of your life your mom did well by you. However, for a few year period where she was mentally unwell due to changes in herself she couldn't prevent she was unstable. During this period of instability she cursed and yelled at you. Once she made it through this period and or found the right combination of meds, she returned to her normal state.
What is there to be upset about now as an adult? She was ill, and not in her right mind. I understand the resentment when your a child and don't really see your parents as human but at some point you have to grow up and move on. Accept that it happened and either choose to continue a relationship or cut her off, but in either case you need to let go.
Honestly, and maybe I'm misunderstanding the severity, but you come off as kind of frail. Maybe it's just where I grew up but the idea of a teenage boy constantly breaking down in tears and ending up in therapy opposed to simply ignoring it or manning up and yelling back is unusual to me.
Jow Forums is truly a disheartening place. The advice here ALWAYS boils down to "If it feels good, do it. Make yourself happy. Cut ties at the drop of a hat. Never consider the other person's feelings on anything, ever. Just do whatever makes YOU comfy."
Isaac Johnson
The sad truth is that in a way, they're right. Your only obligation in life is taking care of yourself. Taking care of others is a wholesome bonus, but a bonus nevertheless. If the burden that others impose upon you is too heavy to take, it's a dick move for them to force it upon you, family members or not. Love for your family is something that should radiate from within you, not be a "debt" that you're supposed to pay up.
Tyler Barnes
I feel the exact same way. How old are you?
Eli Cox
27. Since that question will inevitably come up, I've only had one gf.
Parker Green
I'm in the same boat. My mom was bipolar or something I think and I was her punching bag and garbage can whenever she needed to vent and dump her baggage on someone. I was 'too little, too stupid' to help or even understand her emotions. All the while I was cutting myself, crying myself to sleep and wishing for death. I was so sad all the time and I couldn't even begin to draw the line between what I was actually feeling, my own sadness and helplessness, or hers.
It culminated with her passing away due to illness. I haven't come to terms with it, years after I think I forgave her but I don't think I'll ever heal. She stunned me emotionally and mentally in a way I'll never recover. I'm almost 30 and I can't find peace with myself or the world. I got over those toxic years but there's a deeper damage that trips me in my daily life. I was robbed of a reaosnably healthy adolescence and development and while she found her peace, I hope, I never will find mine and I can only conclude it's her fault. I forgive her but I'm crippled and curse my own existence. I'm confused I guess.
If it has impacted you something from the past, it may come to haunt you..Forgiving doesn't undo anything, just eases your resignation
Nathaniel Gray
They were the ones who decided to have kids
Noah Hill
My mother is an over-protective type. I don't know if protectiveness can get even bigger than that. I think only my grandmother was at the same level. So you have your package of 'don't do it cause I'm afraid of an unlikely shit that might happen' from 2 persons I was growing up with. When I, as a little kid, wanted to do something they made sure I wouldn't do it by making me frightened of it. So no physical activities, no fighting, no courage. My mom is totally like grandmother and most likely inherited it from her. What you need to ensure with your kids when you are this type is to make them unadapted to live on their own as long as its possible, cause people come to realisation of the way things in the world are when they grow up.
Now I am separated, 22 y.o, I don't want to come back, though through time you forget things of past. My mom realised it and now is always making an excuse to come to my house to help with cooking and with cleaning, always asks me if I am ill so she can babysit me. She only has me in life, does not try to make new connections and uses it as a line to make me feel pity that I am not at home with her. Yes in my perception she is a cause of many of my insecurities but she always helped me with money, and she was working really hard to provide our house.
Brayden Peterson
Forgive your mother and move on. It's hard, but until you do you'll be holding yourself back. Forgive and forget.
I agree with that, but the mom isn't a burden, nor has she been for a long time. Jow Forums's advice is always "ghost everyone, end any relationship that isn't perfect, and never care about anyone's feelings except your own."
There's a difference between maintaining healthy boundaries and exercising reasonable self-care, and just being selfish and coldhearted. adv is the latter.
Justin Anderson
I've been there user It's not going to work out sorry It's not easy at all to forgive in situations like these If you don't like her any more just move on with your life Don't be dick to her because you will regret it Just act normal you don't owe her nice treatment or Love after that.
John Myers
Women are horrible at raising kids it should be Illegal for women to raise kids on their own if the father isn't provenly physically abusive.
Jack Jackson
>I don't love her, I don't like her, I don't feel anything for her, and I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. Stop feeling guilty. You can't be responsible for other people chimping out, that's basically just wishful thinking. You got to accept that sometimes people are shit for reasons you can't control.
Henry Cook
>I don't love her, I don't like her, I don't feel anything for her, and I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. Guilt is a spook.
Angel Parker
I had a similar problem. I was well behaved except for having a messy room, and she was super hard on me for it, lots of name calling, going on tirades for hours, crying. I would get in trouble for any and all facial expressions I'd made when she yelled at me, would have groundings lasting weeks or ones where I wasn't even allowed to read in my room, had to sit there and do literally nothing. Again, this was for net picking clothes off the floor. If she caught me doing anything else she'd yell at me again, slam doors. Wasn't even allowed to say anything or give a response in any way, would get yelled at for that too. This happened almost every other day. Only got better when she became an alcoholic and was too drunk to care.
However in my situation she adopted me when I was 8. I only ever knew this version of her growing up. Every week during my teens she'd say how much she wanted me gone, which isn't a great thing to tell an adopted person with attachment issues. She divorced my adoptive dad 4 years after my adoption (I think because this other dude was better in bed and agreed with her more often), creating a very messy, shitty divorce. I once opened up to her about how I was feeling so depressed that I wanted to die, and she told me to just kill myself. Fuck her.
Ten or so years later and she wonders why I never call her or want to be a part of her life. I lie to her every time and never say the real reason. Some people are just beyond attempting to reconcile with; bringing it up will just cause drama. I'll let her think whatever's most comforting to her and move on with my life, doing my best to forget the things she did to me, and maybe her too.
Brayden Martinez
Forgiveness is not a virtue. Forgiveness will only fuck you over. But also don't let your mother live in your head rent-free. Just forget that woman, she's nothing to you now.
Dylan Cook
Holy fuck, exactly the same as me regarding my mum when she wasn't working. Screaming, yelling, even hitting over absolutely nothing until all you can do is shut yourself off of her. Always on edge and on lookout from her. I even consider my mum as a bad one for many more reasons as well.
I also tried getting closure, and I tried talking with my therapist about it. She told me to talk with my mum, but when I did (and I already tried to before), my mum, just like yours, shrugged it off as she didn't understand the gravity and consequences of her actions. Nor she wanted to.
I came to the realization it's ok not to love your mother, and sometimes you don't find actual closure like in films. Let go of finding closure and let yourself be free from her. You don't have to like her.
Chase Rodriguez
I know you tried to bring it up, but did you say the shit in your post? I think its worth a shot to tell her how seriously this affected you. Whether you forgive her or not, this may provide closure
Jack Ross
I'm only now .. like now I'm considering starting a family and having to deal with thoughts like why I'd find it so difficult to raise a daughter realising the extent my childhood experiences with my mother have impacted upon me.
For the longest time I just wrote her off, didn't care. I gave her that pass of "she tried her best, you can't ask a person for more" and just moved on. Let go of the hurt and the pain once it has stopped teaching you something. Fine right?
Except occasionally we interact and it puts me right back into the state where I'm just angry at her and the world and I take that out on those around me and I'm fucked up again for a time until I can just sooth myself with the usual. Focus on what I'm proud of, what I've achieved, remind myself she did her best, she is her own being, my reactions are within my control, she isn't.
So what is so bad? Well like my default position on women. For me, to some extent women are ...
>Lazy >Entitled >Short sighted >'Competitive' bickering because they boring >Lack high level skill/ability >Project influence through others >Lack drive, passion, enthusiasm >Define themselves through their partner >Lust after money, power, status, but don't have the ability to get it themselves
Most of this is unhealthy shit that holds me back. Seriously though it is just like ... well typical, a woman won't put in the effort to learn a skill because learning is stupid or something so she'll get somebody else to do it, by nagging and belittling her man to pay for it and now she is bragging about it to others. Good job.
I seriously avoid my mother. I speak to her about twice a year, see her every 3-5 years. I want to have a conversation, ask her those questions, but basically I'd just be asking her to accept that I think she is a piece of shit and who is going to benefit from that?
Evan Rodriguez
Women do that. It is a control and safety thing. They don't understand being a guy and how overcoming challenges motivates and defines us. In an ideal world for them everything is just a safe comfortable nest of bland social manoeuvring through shit like trinkets. She'll want to keep you there because you validate her choices and are part of her safety bubble. It is weird, we intuitively understand our childish urges and our urges as young adults, we understand wanting to raise a family, but we seem blind to adults who are manoeuvring to get what they need, us as a safety net, to care for them in old age. I imagine old age is no fun with failing health, isolation and nobody to take care of you.
Jacob Murphy
I guess it is worth saying why I don't like her too. My parents had my sister and I young. Like 16 and 20. They divorced when I was 9 so my mother wasn't even 30. In that time they'd worked hard, flipped three houses and my father wanted to keep going for a bit longer and then retire. He was working alongside building our family home. My mother had enough I guess? She wanted 6 holidays a year, laid around, slept, didn't want anything to do with us. In hindsight maybe she was depressed? But she didn't do anything to address this. My memories are of an incredibly hard working, capable and skilled father figure who always had time for me, who let me accompany him and would show me everything I wanted to see and a mother who slept, drank, shouted, argued and tried to get what she wanted by using us against him.
They divorced and my father was completely broken, he was doing all of this for the family to make us happy and there was no point now. My mother moved out, had a succession of very weird relationships, became a complete hedonist and generally was always a hanger on to her partners. Out in town, drinking, showing that she was young, having a great time, winning. My father stayed in the half finished house, didn't do anything for a few years, slowly started building it up, but very slowly.
I stayed with my father because my mother didn't want me. I went to see her once a week and she made me sit in bars or in her house while she smoked and drank and flirted with guys. Even at a young age I could see the insecurity, it was all about how my father was a piece of shit, she accused him of being a paedophile at one point because she wanted sympathy.
My father didn't work much because he was looking after us both. My sister went to university. I helped with the house some, worked, learnt to be very self sufficient and went to university. My father has been retired since he was 40 and has just been slowly building this fucking house. He is in his 60's now.
Jace Murphy
Also the shade she'd throw. Like your father never takes you on holiday, he never shows you anything. Like fucking hell, you never took me ANYWHERE except your house or a bar for almost 10 years. You made sure you got at least 3 holidays a year yourself though. He never asked you for money for anything, for food, for bills, for clothes. ANYTHING. The guy was raising two kids in a dilapidated money pit project while working. All you did was take us one day a week. Also he did take me on holiday, maybe it was only twice, but he showed me a fucking load of stuff too. Way more than you ever have.
She'd berate him for his isolation and lack of relationships, his inability to move on. Thing is, from my perspective her relationships were horrific. She'd latch onto weak people who she could 'support' while basically putting them down the whole time complaining about how useless they were. Thing is, she basically brought them into her life because she wanted an ornament. The shit she'd talk about as well sexually. Like she'd tell me about these people who weren't fulfilling her needs and how she could get somebody better like *that* snapping her fingers and shit. I'm like 14 and hanging out in a fucking pool hall at lunchtime.
Now when we talk it is textbook manipulation. Her problems. Her pains. I'm being unreasonable. I'm not making an effort. It takes 5 seconds before a conversation is turned around to her problems. It is just a waste of my time. Oh yeah my partner might have a genetic disorder which might be why we can't conceive and it might lead to eventual blindness ha ha life is really up in the air today ... well you'll be alright, you always are for some reason, you are young and have your health and should be thankful and grateful for what you have, it is people like me who you should be thinking about, I've always been unlucky and I'm getting older and it is harder to bounce back ...
Like fuck you. You've talked like that as long as I can remember.
