Bf smokes weed a lot and spends a lot of money on it, to the point of going paycheck to paycheck not saving money and sometimes unable to pay his half of the rent. I'm not a huge fan of his habit and would prefer that he quit, not because I have an issue with smoking but because he's psychologically addicted, but I'm not the kind of person to put down an ultimatum and demand that he puts a total stop to it or else I'll leave him--that's not how unconditional love works. He says he wants to change, but I know I can't make him change and the only person who can change him is himself. I want to be a supportive partner for him no matter what, but I don't want to be an enabler. I just don't know how to achieve that balance and help give him the strength he needs to change his lifestyle without trying to control, manipulate, or change him. Any tips?
Bf smokes weed a lot and spends a lot of money on it...
Tell him to get a job that makes more money.
As someone who's been in that situation before, you can't. If you come between him and weed, he'll lie about picking you or dump you. If he's unable and disinterested in fixing his lifestyle before you, that will never change. I even smoke weed myself, so I'm not some straight edge trying to lecture on other's usage. Please don't waste four years of your life like I did.
He recently got a job that's 10 bucks an hour, it's just been slow lately so he's been getting less than 40 hours in. Other jobs that pay more require drug testing. Plus, his parents call to bug him almost constantly about getting a better job, so I don't want to be another nagging voice to add to his stress
He's gotten better lately about giving me money before he has a chance to spend it so I can use it towards rent or other things, so I feel like he's trying at least a little bit. But yeah, there's times where I feel like it's hopeless. I feel like I should try and get him to understand that when he spends so much on weed that he can't cover his part of the rent, it feels like it doesn't give a shit about me or something. I'm absolute shit at putting my fee fees into words though, much less actually speaking those words
Getting someone to stop a habit like that can be hard depending on the lifestyle they have. If he has hobbies or likes to go out try maybe see he wants to focus on one of thoses to keep hes mind off it.
Something to keep in mind though when he does go on a break dont pressure him to eat hes metabolism is gonna be messed up for 3 days to a week (my girlfriend did this to me before and it kept messing my weed break up ) after that he should be fine probably wont even think about weed after. If make him something to eat make it small and easy on the stomach
He doesn't really have hobbies besides video games and smoking. He's tried quitting before but could only make it a day or so before giving up. Even when he's waiting to get more weed, if the dealer is slow to respond he gets very upset and in a bad mood, and that's how he gets when he tries to quit weed. It doesn't help that he's depressed and has said that he has an addictive mindset and is miserable and unable to tolerate life when he's sober
weed shouldn't be this difficult to abstain from. he is likely going through some depression issues and this is way of coping. weed helps you run away from real feelings and you can just make your shit worse.
You should tell him that things are never gonna get better unless he cuts back on the weed. He doesn't have to be high all the time. He needs to feel real feelings sometimes. Start by making it a day off/or weekend only thing. It's JUST weed. Again, if you're dependent on weed something is seriously wrong. It's not nicotine. It's not cocaine. It's not heroine. It's fucking weed.
I've talked to him about maybe taking a break from smoking every so often for me because I do like spending time with him when he's sober. That stuck for a bit but now he's back to smoking multiple times a day. I think it's tricky because he's been depressed for so long, he spent a good portion of it not smoking any weed because he could find any. So I guess I'm trying to say that makes it hard for me to say that things won't get better unless he cuts back on the weed, because from his perspective weed is the only thing that makes things better. It's just frustrating for me because I can see he doesn't like the way things are; recently I asked him how much he was spending on weed every month, and when he said 300 I couldn't hide my surprise and kept it at "Dude...that's a lot" and even that bummed him out for a few days. But it's frustrating because nothing came from that, it didn't change anything
I wish I had a gf as supportive as you are. Mine broke up with me over her friends saying I'm a loser.
That sucks dude. I mean I've been with my bf for 9 years now, so we've been through some shit. It's just been rough lately, and it's been wearing on me, but this relationship is worth fighting for
I see. Well the reason I was so blunt with my perspective is because I too used weed to cope. When my mother died, I lost it. I had power of attorney during her final days and we both decided to not continue with the chemo. My family blamed me for her death and in a way, I guess I did too. So, I turned to weed and abused it for years. Bongs, edibles, dabs, vaping, just about everything. Even began abusing alcohol when my tolerance got too high.
Eventually, I noticed my life never getting any better and my gf suffering through continuous support of me despite all my blatant abuse problems. Weed was no longer fun anymore. Weed no longer helped. Alcohol no longer helped. It got to the point where I just abused it to feel close to "normal" as it was the new normal.
It'll be the same for him sweetheart. He will find that while weed helps now, eventually it will stop helping. His tolerance will get too high. Things will never get better. To confront this depression he has to be sober and cut back on the weed. He doesn't have to go cold turkey, but weening himself off it seriously needs to happen otherwise things WILL remain static. Sorry for the blogpost. I just thought I'd provide more perspective as I've been in the same situation. When I became sober my depression briefly worsened, but then I got better. Now I only smoke on the weekends and never before 4PM.
Weed is fine until someone uses it to self-medicate. Always remember that. It's meant to be fun, not a bandaid for depression.
Yeah, like I don't mind him smoking, it's just that it's become problematic. 300 a month on weed is problematic, especially when he's going paycheck to paycheck and sometimes skimping on his half of the rent. It's terrible of me to say but I honestly wish I could just force him to stop smoking, like it's not doing him any good and is just another thing he beats himself up about. I want there to be some magic words I can say to make him change his life, but there's nothing I can do except tell him about my experience and my perspective, and even then it wouldn't be right to abuse the power I have over him as his partner by threatening to leave him if he doesn't change. I just don't know how to encourage him to lessen how much he smokes. Like how do you set boundaries like "I'm not okay with you buying weed instead of covering your portion of rent" without that coming off as an ultimatum?
>Like how do you set boundaries like "I'm not okay with you buying weed instead of covering your portion of rent" without that coming off as an ultimatum?
Well, for starters, you can let him know that you love him very much. That he has a great foundation. And that while weed has immense potential to be positive, the way he is using it is poisoning his life and relationship with you. He needs to handle responsibility first, and then things like weed come after. It is just the way things is if he actually wants things to get better he will understand.
Ask him if he ever wants his depression to get better. Does he? Does he understand that weed actually isn't helping? That it just keeps things static? That it is actually hurting him? Is he self aware that buying weed is hurting him and his life and his relationship with you?
If you aren't okay with him spending all this money on weed, you need to be consistent in letting him know this. You can't keep covering him forever. Eventually even you will have had enough and will be harboring resentment despite all of your goodwill. Does he really want it to get to that point?
You are not even asking him to quit. You're asking him to cut back. It is completely reasonable. Start by cutting it in half. You unfortunately are going to have to be blunt about this because from your posts it doesn't seem like he is aware that Weed is not actually helping him. Either that, or its just an excuse so he can stay a stoner that blows most his money on shit he consumes.
Thanks for the advice dude. Hopefully I can talk to him and get him to understand that even if weed's giving him some of what he wants, it's also giving him a lot of what he doesn't want
i wish you guys the best. I put my girlfriend through the same shit he's putting you through and regret it immensely. He will hopefully understand that he isn't alone in this problem or world and that things can get better, and weed can still be a fun thing to do now and then.
Well first of all you’re an awesome girlfriend to think the way you do. The best solution is for him to learn what his priorities are. If it takes you two taking some space from each other for him to realize you’re serious, then he’ll habe to force himself to stop over doing it with pot. If you don’t want to do that, then calmly explain that he’s built up too high a tolorance to pot and needs to stop for awhile so he won’t need as much to get stoned. Pot doesn’t cause withdrawal likd pills or alcohol, he won’t get any pain from taking a break.
>pot doesn't cause withdrawal
it actually does if you're using it the way OP's bf is
Thanks dude. I don't really feel like an awesome girlfriend sometimes. Bf is struggling with depression, has been for over a decade now, like suicidal level, and here I am whining about how much money he spends on weed instead of being happy that he's still alive and trying to make a life he wants. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any resentment, which really makes me feel shitty. It's just that I keep losing money paying for both of us while he keeps spending money on optional stuff, and then he's very prone to beating himself up and (not to be mean) wallowing in self-pity instead of making changes, so it's like when I try to come to him and tell him I have issues with things, it just becomes more ammunition for his self-resentment without actually lighting a fire under his ass
Sounds like he's got much bigger problems than weed on his hands. Try to get him to see a therapist. Meanwhile you can be supportive as always, but don't stay aboard a sinking ship either.
Neither of us have the money for a therapist, and a while ago he tried going to his college's therapist but it didn't help so now he's got it in his head that therapy won't really help.
I know I shouldn't stay if it continues to drag me down, but I can't just abandon him. We've been through so much together, helping hold each other up during rough patches. I believe we can get through this too, it just scares me sometimes because I'm worried about the possibility that things will get bad enough to where I will have to make that choice.
Start doing coke like an adult
Hmm. I just quit recently. To be honest, i didn't even do it for myself. But for my mother. I dont want her to think i'm a loser.
But if you're living with someone that habit impacts that person even more. He should try to stay clean, even if for a few days, and reflect on his addiction in a sane mind. Also let him get a hobby. Let him keep busy with little goals etc. Keeping busy is the only way. Or only let him smoke grit instead of buds. I only needed.like 20 to 40 euros at most for the entire month if i smoked grit, because it's twice as cheap and i only smoked in the evening.
>10 bucks an hour
you don't even need a training or degree for that, user
>require drug testing
You sure? Most just want to see your criminal history.