I just want the pain to stop. The feeling of existing in this pathetic and disgusting thing i call a life is too much. The stress, the depression, the constant anxiety of telling myself why didn't I do this and that better.
Every fucking morning I wake and ask myself if today's the day I will do it. It's been almost 10 years I have harbored these feelings and I don't think I can carry them further.
Everyday I think about different ways to end it. Douse myself and my car with gasoline, drive to the countryside and light up and burn all of it away.
But then I flash to how much of a fucking mess I would leave behind. My friends and family would be fucking devastated and I can't do it knowing that.
They want me to be so much more but I just can't be who they want me to be. I am nothing more than a disappointing burden that just keeps fucking everything up. Even If i fucking off myself I would be a fuckup.
I just want this fucking pain inside me to stop... I don't want to feel like a waste of fucking space but it's all I am and ever will be. I will never amount to anything so why go on? Why kid myself and even try? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to end it all and embrace the cold void of darkness on the other side that i know I deserve. Trash belongs in the trash.
I don't think anyone is fit to judge themselves this way. I just got cheated on in a long term relationship and I felt like eating the bullet for months. Compared to your case it's nothing, 10 years is a long time and I'd like to hear more about your situation and if you've gotten professional help and if you did, how it went.
The one thing I can say to you now though, is that your mistakes do not diminish you as a person, you are intact and alive, if you don't want to think of yourself as a fuck-up, reflect on yourself and your mistakes and think about how you can approach life from a different angle, perhaps you'll find that you've been looking at things the wrong way.
Adam Scott
Hey user I feel like a fuck up sometimes too. But lots of people are fuck ups, or have been fuck ups. Failure is something that we all go through. It's hidden these days behind all these filters we put on everything but everyone has their down days. If you want to talk about it I'm here tonight. Ten years is a long time to be miserable and not talk about it. You definitely need to start focusing on yourself and make some changes. Mental health is something you need to work on, like having a healthy diet or exercising periodically. We all take it for granted then try to hide it when it's bad, but it's just not how we're built.
Aiden Gutierrez
You have that ability, to end it, and it's your choice.
The trouble with you is that you take this whole thing so damn seriously. It's absurd, all of it. A bunch of crazy monkeys with emotions and philosophies that go in and out of fashion like sets of clothes. Think about what it means to "amount to something" in this world. It means MARKETING EXECUTIVE OH MY GOD- no one remembers you. That company you bled yourself for is going to be gone before you. The alternative meaning in amounting to something is that you become integrated, in the community, in the workplace, in the family you raise. You become a part of the world.
And you have that ability. You can do that. But christ, don't be so hard on yourself, because other people really aren't any better than you. So many people do horrible things without ever actually reflecting on why they're awful. You're apologizing for your own existence. It's well-meaning, but entirely stupid.
This is a game. Just pick a role and play it. If it doesn't work out, it's no trouble.
I don't deserve professional help. I've lived as a pathetic fucking worm for as of today 22 years. I've been happy before but it never lasts. I can't open up to anyone because of the mask I put on. I wear the goofy funny guy mask that everyone loves.
All I heard today from my family was "OMG your 22! Congrats! Awww too think if you stayed in college you could've been done already!" "user you should go back to gym! You used to be so be in such good shape in high school." "Shut the fuck up dude there's no way your a virgin you've been with so many girls."
And I just laugh it all off. If only they knew. I could never tell them what's going on in me. Why would they care about a fucking disgusting pathetic worm of fucking being like me.
I ruined a kid's life in high school because of my own insecurities. I was bullied and I promised myself I would never be bullied again. So I became the monster. I got the girls. I got the friends. I got everything. And then Reality slapped me across the fucking face and I looked at what the fuck I had become. I stopped caring about my appearance, my grades slipped, I shut myself in and away from everyone.
My parents had a government job set up for me after college. Fucked that up. I had a girl willing to spend the rest of her life with me. Fucked that up. Had a family that had high hopes for me. Fucked that up. Had friends that cared about me. On the verge of fucking that up. Could have lost my virginity years ago a countless amount times. Fucked that up. I can't even afford the roof over my head.
There are so many more things that fucking eat at me. I know I can get fit, I know I could go back to school, I know I could do anything but WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? I've spent the last four years doing nothing. I'm 22 with nothing to fucking show for it. Another "could have been" loser.
Daniel Nguyen
Lol you take yourself soo seriously.
Stop being an emo fag, just live life lightly it ain't that deep, senpai.
You are romanticizing something that could be just an interesting life. You expect too much from life, stop being a whiny spoiled brat and go learn what the world really is.
Liam Murphy
I saw the photo taken of me for my birthday and it filled me with disgust. I hate myself. Plain and simple. I wish I could have been so much fucking more. I failed. I don't deserve to live.
Wyatt Garcia
user you just have to start doing good things for yourself. You say you've done nothing but that's not true. You've done a lot. But you're still in the middle of it and you want to be at the end. I know you don't feel like it, like you don't deserve another chance but you've got to start just doing a little bit everyday. That's how you get better.
Ian Reed
You owe it to yourself to get help. There's no sense in torturing yourself. Just because you've experienced hurt and failure in the past doesn't mean you will again.
I was a lying asshole once upon a time, I toyed with a girl's emotions because I was young, dumb, and immature. Eventually she had enough and she got together with someone else. I felt destroyed because I realized then I had failed to realize what I truly had. For a year I tried to win her back, but I neglected to realize the man she was with was a person too. I ruined that relationship and I restarted one with her. She cheated on him with me, and we were together for a year. I was a fool because I thought I had fought fairly for her, neglecting to realize my utter lack or humanity. It wasn't until recently I found out she had cheated on me and then dumped me. Everything had come full circle.
No one could spin what I did as good. Sure I made up for the wrong I did to her, but that man deserved better and I tortured him almost as much as I was tortured over the thought of her being with another man. Now that girl is destroying herself and who she is, because of me? Perhaps, perhaps not. All I know is that the weight of the world is not on my shoulders, the only person I can take responsibility for is me, and I know that if I do better in the future, if I'm true to myself and to others, not scheming and vengeful, I will get what I deserve, maybe not what I want, but things you sacrifice who you are for don't last, as you said, so better to keep your individual self intact in that process.
Don't be ashamed of who you are, we are all deeply flawed human beings, the best of us though, are the ones who recognize those flaws and attempt to grow from them, not shrink. Believe in yourself.
Ethan Nelson
Find something that you can be a part of. Maybe join a sports team, or a community service group. Anything that gives you a sense of purpose is enough. Nothing really has meaning in the end, so in a sense, you can just not give meaning to your past failures, and put your energy into finding meaning in something you enjoy.
Luis Perry
My mom was an alcoholic. Still is but a worse one back then. When I was 9 years old she tried to murder me. She dragged me from my bed in the middle of the night to bethroom where she had candles lit and the lights turned off. She forced my head into the toilet and tried to drown me. The entire time She was screaming that she didn't want me and that no one in my family wanted me. After I struggled as much as a 9 year old can she let me go and started crying on the floor. While I was crying on the floor trying to catch my breathe she dragged me to the living room, threw me on the ground and sat on my chest. She then put both hands on my throat and stared into my eyes as she tried to choke the life out of me and yelled at me the same as before. She then told my brother to call 911 and let me go. Me and my siblings were orphaned for a bit after that. My grandparents stepped in and adopted us. They fucking saved me. There is no one in the world that I love more than my fucking parents. But they let my mom back into my life. They never pressed charges. They never filed the police report for what it really was. She got to walk away. She visited me a few weeks after the incident. promised me she would never touch alcohol again. That what she said meant nothing. And like the stupid fucking kid I was I believed her. I let her back into my life. Over the years of course she went back to the drink. Since she divorced my dad when I was 5 she got to go out and party and fuck guys left and right. She got a job that pays $100,000 a year.
It fucking hurt so much this one time. She invited me to stay at her house years ago. We had a fun day. then when I spent the night at her house one of her boyfriends came by . Of course he stays over. "Hey dude how you doing." Every fucking one of them does that. Shakes my hand. Whatever. Then bed time comes. I sleep in the room right next to hers and I have to listen to my mom get her brains fucked out of her by some fucking stranger
Joseph Murphy
When I tell her how I feel about it she just says "Well I need to be happy user. Why can't you just be happy for me? Why do you always talk to your father and not me? He didn't take care of you when he left. I do this I do that. Blah Blah Blah. etc etc etc..."
My dad and I are practically the same person. My mom left him because he didn't want to work when I was a kid. he was a lazy asshole. I get it. But he was a stay at home dad that cared about us. He hated how much my mom partied. When they eventually got divorced my mom got custody and he was left with nothing. he refused to pay child support because he knew it was just going to her alcohol addiction and he did time for it. When he got out he found a new wife settled down and had a family of his own. They struggle. He was poor and they lived in a shitty neighborhood. He still does. My grandparents on my moms side helped him alot. he has been back in life for about 10 years now. I found out he suffers from clinical depression and bipolar disorder . Probably where I picked it up from. He would always be in the dark. He would have move swings all the time. Mostly just periods of extreme isolation. But he raised his kids and now they are about to be in high school. Within the last two years he started going out more. Lost weight. Got a better job. and in general is doing a lot better. I had never seen him smile until 3 years ago. I wish I knew how he did it.
Ryder Ward
Get her out of your life. After that, seek professional help so you can come to peace with your past and find out how to get yourself back to 100%. Don't hurt on someone else's behalf, OP, been there, done that, your life is worth living and you deserve to be happy.
Your father is much older and trust me, he's experienced shit just as bad as you have, if you have so much in common with him, perhaps you can ask him for some guidance, you are his son after all.
Angel Stewart
Idk. Idk what the point of me posting this stuff was. But thanks for giving an ounce of a shit to a nobody like me. Idk that I will ever get over this crippling loneliness, or crushing depression. I think I might have honestly inherited this stuff and I can't really do anything about it.
Like I said I just want it all to stop. Idk. But thanks. Tonight is not the night I guess.
Jaxon Jackson
It will stop, you need to give it time. Just about everyone you can think of has experienced the rage you are right now, including me. It may seem like an endless well but you either get it out the wrong way and destroy yourself, or you close it up and forget about it, try to learn from what you can and forget about what you can't. Life ain't easy and you're not supposed to be happy all the time, there's always a reason you're feeling some way and you should always look at why you are, to acknowledge when you are at a breaking point and to relax, and to realize when you're experiencing happiness so you can breathe.
Michael Wright
I can't. The mask I wear already bears with her. She pays my phone bil. Loans me money.
I've tried to cut her out of my life but I can't. I feel fucking disgusted with myself that I accepted anything from her. I let her back in my life. I chose to act like it didn't matter. I did this. It's to far gone for me to cut her out. I lost that option years ago.
My dad. I don't want to burden him with my problems. Especially now that his kids are doing well and he has finally gotten his shit together. I don't want to fuck that up by telling him his oldest son is depressed fucking loser that wants to kill himself.
I couldn't live with myself knowing I affected his life like that.
Chase Ward
That's the thing. I've bottled every problem I've ever had for the past ten years and It finally cracked open about a month ago.
Your dad won't be ashamed of you for asking for help. If anything it shows him that you're a responsible man who knows his limits and when to ask for help. Trust me, just try it.
As for being in that situation, it's difficult, but you gotta start somewhere and find some way to support yourself outside her care, if you're stuck and family won't take you in for whatever reason, you might just have to couch surf with friends or coworkers for a bit.
Liam Smith
Thank you
Jayden Baker
>I just want the pain to stop. We feel it too even though you see us a "NPC"s
>Everyday I think about different ways to end it. "What if you decided to "repent" (go the opposite direction of where you where going?)
As a Army Medic to Registered Nurse I have ths to tell you.
We all start out at a point of "beta". Its up to you to find creative ways to get out of that situation.
Funny thing about youth is that its extremely easy and extremely hard to get in and out of those situations.
Dont you wish you could erase your brain and start all over in the arms of a stranger?
