I have made the biggest mistake of my entire life so far
One and a half years ago, I met a girl through work, 19 at the time (I was 24). We saw something in eachother that attracted us together, we were also gentler and calmer than most people in our surroundings and thus didn't fit with anyone but eachother. We were also at the same time secure in ourselves and felt no need to prove ourselves to anyone. She doesn't use makeup and she's a kind, gentle person.
She became my first girlfriend, and I the first man she ever was with and her first boyfriend. We've been together ever since. We never had any big fights, we never really got mad at eachother ever, it was a blissful first year of pure love. But since about half a year ago we've been seeing eachother less and less, and I got the idea in my head that our relationship would not "work out in the long term" because of our underlying differences in opinions about society.
And so began my mistake, I started "sabotaging" the relationship.. I stopped telling her that I love her, she noticed this and stopped saying the same about one week later. I always shot down discussions that arose regarding more serious stuff such as moving in together, children, etc. . Because I knew that things would become more painful. I started wishing that we could just break up so we could move on with our lives, but at the same time I was always wrestling with the crippling thought that maybe I was fucking up big time and had gotten this stupid idea in my head for no good reason whatsoever, but my conviction always won out in the end and I committed to continuing on this path.
From last thursday up until sunday I ignored her for the first time for the longest time.. When she asked me if I'm okay I replied after a few hours: "I don't know", when she asked if I'm sad or bored or what, I replied "It feels like we haven't been living our relationship at all for many months now" (we had seen eachother ~3 times the past ~3 months), to which she replied that she knows and it feels horrible because she's so afraid of making me sad.
Despite massive feelings of dread and fear I went ahead and decided that we should meet up.. And we did.. And we peacefully and nicely broke up.. And for a few hours afterwards I could keep up the charade that I had finally accomplished something that I wanted but most importantly was for the best of both of us..
But I couldn't keep up this stupid fucking lie I had gotten into my head for no good reason anymore.. I cried for 5 hours straight after coming home and could barely sleep to get up for work the morning after, I cried all the way to work, all day during work and all the way back home. I texted a bit with her younger sister and explained myself to her, confssed my real feelings about my ex to her, and asked how my ex is. I asked her if she thought my ex would be up for a conversation because I felt like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. She was very understanding.
And so I did. On my way back home after work yesterday I texted her and asked her if we can speak a bit more because I didn't feel like everything had been said yet. She went along with it but said she doesn't feel like she can handle a phone call right now, and I asked her if we could meet up preferably but she said she can barely leave the house, and that if I really want to I can call her, and I did.
Michael Hill
We cried and talked to eachother for 30 minutes over phone.. Unlike myself, she remained resolute in what she told me before, she said our relationship hasn't felt the same after the first year, she said that we lived in our two seperate bubbles and we temporarily left them to meet eachother and then went back to them again, that we had been living in a relationship limbo for months now, I told her that I made these things this way but she refused to accept that and said that she has been feeling this herself, not as a result of behaviour on my part, which she denied ever seeing any change in. She mentioned multiple times that we had grown as a result of our relationship but weren't growing anymore, that it wasn't leading anywhere. I can't recall right now if I blatantly told her that I DO in fact want these things (moving in, children, etc), I think I refrained from saying it because she told me everything we're doing right now is just making our breakup much more painful and that we shouldn't have talked today.
The truth is that I love her more than anything in the world, the truth is that I want to do everything in life with her, that I want to move in with her and that I want to build a family with her. But what the fuck do I do now? We didn't come to any agreement while talking yesterday, she begged me to stop the conversation because it was hurting too much and begged me to allow her to start healing, and that she didn't have anything more to say.
My mother and my exs younger sister both tell me that we should give eachother some time before talking again. I am doing my best to give her time but I don't want it to end, I want all of the things I wrote above, with her and her only.
Caleb Watson
PLEASE HELP ME, I have lost all lust for life. Anything you can do to help me? How to ease the pain? How/when to best go about contacting her again? What to absolutely avoid saying/doing?
She's not a regular city girl with city girl sensibilities. She's only known one man ever and that's me, she is kind and gentle, she isn't superficial, she is very sensitive though.
Please help me
Charles Parker
Embrace the feels and start lifting
Kayden Turner
Women do not care dude, they do not love like we do. There's nothing to do. Better to go to another girl than try to fix that relationship there.
Caleb Watson
/thread/
Ayden Young
>My mother and my exs younger sister both tell me that we should give eachother some time before talking again. I am doing my best to give her time but I don't want it to end
This. I know its gonna hurt and suck but give her space. It will be better for both of you. Try to keep your mind off her, which i know is like telling a dopefiend lol just quit but keep yourself distracted
Caleb James
I'm already lifting, and have been for years
No.. We had true, real love. We looked into our eyes like I've never seen anyone else do, we hugged eachother like no one I've ever said, we kissed like I've never done and I've never seen anyone do.
Aaron James
How long is some time? My birthday is coming up soon, the 21th of April. If she doesn't congratulate me on my birthday, should I congratulate her on hers? 4th of June.
I threw away every small thing in my apartment that reminded me of her, but I kept a bag she left here once, and put all her clothes in it, I had my mother take it to their place for safekeeping because I couldn't bear to look at it. Should I go to her workplace sometime and give it to her and try to hold a conversation then?
Cooper Ramirez
Welp dude that freakin sucks
Well I guess the first part you messed up at is when you didn’t decide to start talking about your situation and instead started to sabotage your own relationship
Your first breakup is the worst one, dont try and pry her out of her life and back into yours, give her time and if she decides to come back then she will. Its not healthy to be texting/calling her everyday expecting something to change, it will just make you look crazy and she’ll want you even less
Dont be a puppydog either, start working on yourself, find somebody else if you have no reason to believe she’ll come back, even start looking now just so she knows your confident if it ever cones up
Juan Rogers
There's a few million girls out there that are identical copies of your ex. They have the exact same views, characteristic traits, beliefs etc. I can guarantee she is easily replaceable, even if it might not seem realistic to you right now. You'll realize it after some time has passed, trust me.
Bentley Cruz
I won't text her everyday. But it feels like for every day that goes she reinforces the false belief that I didn't want a serious future with her further and further. The truth is that I want nothing but a future with her and her only, I could be sad a little easier if I knew she knew that atleast.
I told her sister to please not tell her this, before I started texting with her, and told her that I love her more than anything, that I want all of these serious things with her etc. I guess I expect her sister to tell my ex these things anyways, that's to be expected right?
If not, should I in a week/two weeks or something time tell her these things? Or longer?
No, there's nobody like her. There's nobody exactly like her, there's nobody with her manner of speech, her cute behaviour combined with her personality and general behaviour, with her innocent look, and her innocence, there's nothing like her anywhere on this earth. Everyone, everyone told me that I had found the best girl ever and that I better not fuck up.
David Flores
Looks like you went full autism for no reason and fucked up op. I did that once. Sucks but there's no going back. Take it as a lesson and move on.
Christopher Green
Read my post again. It's an illusion, you're in love and that clouds your ability to think rationally. There IS millions of copies of this exact girl and no woman is unique, as said already this doesn't seem true to you, she was "special" and all of that crap, but trust me, it's a load of bullshit. The best way to forget her is to focus on improving yourself and replacing her, then after some time has passed you will realize that most women are identical NPCs with very few exceptions.
Aaron Foster
>Looks like you went full autism for no reason and fucked up op. I did that once. >Sucks but there's no going back. Take it as a lesson and move on. Yes, and we used to joke about my "autism" or my "asperger", she knows how I work and what sort of thinking/mistakes I'm prone to committing.
I don't want to move on, I want her and nobody else. I can always find someone else, and maybe fall in love again and this time not make the SAME mistake atleast yes, but right now please I beg of you guys please for advice for how to maximize my chances to get back with HER specifically.
Benjamin Price
I know you're partially right atleast. I'm heavily influenced by my emotions right now, and not entirely thinking rationally. I'm aware of this.
I'm also aware that if I try hard and long enough, I can get over this and can "move on" and find someone else.
But I DON'T WANT TO right now. Right now, please, I just want any advice that can in any way increase my chances to get back with her. I appreciate your posts, I truly and really do, but I want advice for how to maximize my chances to get back with her
This would be acceptable if maybe I got cucked or something. But we were two people in love in a great relationship who slowly drifted apart over some months for no solid reasons. This isn't bargaining but the facts.
Nathan Lewis
That's understandable and the fact that you're aware of your emotions' influence is great, since this will help you recover, but the most beneficial thing for you is to forget her. On the other hand, if you absolutely must try and get her back, I'd suggest waiting a few painful days before visiting her place and talking to her there. Your best choice would be to let her know you want to get back and you could also mention the moving in thing and so on.
Colton Edwards
In the end, little shit like this makes absolutely no difference to the world. On top of feeding into your own confusion and delusions, you've wrapped yourself up in a problem that you seem to have wanted in the first place. I completely regret giving your post any attention, just like you regret fucking up your own relationship. There are actual problems in the world, and you should go fuck yourself
Brayden Kelly
Gee whiz then I guess youre on the denial stage.
If you're trying to repair the relationship, then, give her some space for now.
I think both of you need some distance first. If both of you think in your heart that you're the one, then things will eventually work out in the end.
If not, well, there'll be a better girl for you in the future
Luis Gomez
question: do you think the same thing in regards to men?
Daniel Martinez
Eh, men tend to be more individualistic but that absolutely doesn't mean there's not also millions of identical shallow men.
Ethan Myers
Ok well I asked genuinely, but I think it's a biased and kinda sexist view. I guess because I do have the experience of knowing many men and women, and think it's basically the same. Neither gender is more this and that, but guys have a strong bias to see it in women but not see it in other men or even themselves.
But I did genuinely ask just because I feel similar emotionally to the op right now. He reminds me of both myself and my ex that I cannot get over, and it's been years. I keep trying to see him as some generic guy, because he is just an average guy, but he is special to me just because he is more emotionally mature than any guy I've even encountered. It's hard to find that.
Anyway this is off topic
Eli Bennett
Maybe I am too biased about the imbalance in frequency of this occurence in both genders, but I am 100% sure about the "identical copies" comment. The majority of people truly is just a mass of NPCs.
Bentley Thomas
Can I get a tldr?
Robert Gonzalez
TLDR; Op fucked up by drifting away from his perfect first-time gf based on differences in opinions/morality.
got sad that they seperated even tho thats what he wanted
and now he wants to get back together
Isaac Edwards
oh yes definitely, that's why I'm saying it really isn't gender specific but people specific. if you think about it we are just animals. among animals there are different temperaments but they all look the same and have the same instincts. it's amazing we have as much variety as we do.
Caleb Jenkins
You were a noncommittal pussy and you ruined what could have been a great thing. I hope you never had sex with her because otherwise you ruined her chances of happiness too.
Jayden Rodriguez
There's no solution to your problem. You literally made the worst mistake in the grid when it comes to relationships. You willingly sabotaged the relationship and convinced your GF you were a figurative faggot. There's no way to come back from that. There's nothing people can say here that won't possibly hurt you in the future - for example I'd say you could try staying friends with her or keeping contact, but that would just hurt you more and wouldn't wield any results most likely.
I'm sorry OP.
Brayden Kelly
She lives with her parents. And shouldn't I wait more than a few days?
Brandon Baker
>and convinced your GF you were a figurative faggot. She still thinks well of me, and she told me the reason she didn't first bring this up is because she hated the idea of hurting me. And she looks up to me as more of a man than most men in our surroundings, because that is what I am. The reason I shot down all the lifetime committment topics is because of autism/asperger thinking we'd never work out, a self-fulfilling fucking prophecy. Not because I'm a "figurative faggot"
Brandon Powell
>If you're trying to repair the relationship, then, give her some space for now. I know that I must, and I will
I have been thinking about something. My mother recommended that after giving her some time and space, that I should write her a letter.
So I'm thinking, after giving her a month or two maybe, writing her a letter, clarifying and explaining everything, and telling her exactly how i feel about her and everything that i want with her, and ask her to reply if she feels like there is a chance we can reignite, and if not, to just disregard the letter.
Does that sound like a good idea?
Leo Morales
yes, that is what I meant, I just didn't feel like typing all of that out.
Hunter Jenkins
>begged me to allow her to start healing, and that she didn't have anything more to say. Big red flag there. What you didn't notice OP is that she was also sabotaging the relationship. If her love was real, she would have confronted you way sooner. I suspect that she is cheating on you. Sorry OP.
Ethan Miller
I'm very certain she hasn't been cheating on me. She's not that kind of person, and I have a pretty good idea of where she is most of the time thanks to snapchat map, sounds creepy maybe but whatever. >What you didn't notice OP is that she was also sabotaging the relationship I don't think she was, but she did one thing which she thought was sabotaging but I knew wasn't. When we spoke on the phone yesterday she asked me (crying): "Why do you think I didn't react when you stopped saying I love you? Why do you think I also stopped saying it?", as if to imply she was also sabotaging the relationship, but that simply isn't true, I know her too well for that to be true, she didn't confront me because she's NOT a confrontative person, and she stopped saying I love you aswell because I did first, she continued to do it for a week, she didn't randomly stop saying it around the same time because she also started sabotaging.
Most "sabotaging" she did was that we didn't really see eachother much anymore close to the end, when I tried to see her despite also at the time wanting the relationship to end due to my retarded autism/asperger ideas.
Asher Long
So what do you guys think about the letter idea? Should I give her some space, like a month or two, and then write her a letter with all my emotions towards her and everything I want to do with her, and then ask her to reply if she feels like we can re-ignite, or ignore the letter if she belives us to be dead?
Chase Sanders
Do you reallh not get it OP. Relationship is a two way street. Meaning that you need commitment from both sides. She isn't a pet that you always need to interact with. She can come to you if she has any problem. She will come to you if she actually love you. What I can see is that both of you have something to hide. It might not be cheating but it is something. I suggest that if you are really sure about her and are sure there is no cheating, wait for her. If she loves you it won't take long as you already told her that you still care for her. Other than that, move on.
Cameron Williams
She's gonna find someone else if you wait that long. As said above, a few days should be enough, a week at most. >No she won't, you don't know her, she's still hurt, she will never replace me You know that's not true
She was a virgin at 19 when we met. She has told me she has never really been that much into sexual thinking. She was literally a kissless virgin at 19 when we met. And she IS hurt, I know this because I met her sunday, I heard her monday, and I asked her sister how she is aswell and she said that she's very very sad.
She will of course replace me, given time, and I will aswell, given time, if we dont' get together. But it won't EVER be the same for any one of us..
When we spoke monday, she never said she doesn't love me anymore. She didn't say she loves me, and I didn't say it either, but mostly because she made it clear that we're just making a mess of things and making everything hurt so much more and for much longer for every minute we speak.
Austin Harris
Nope, that relationship is toasted, burnt crushed ruined. Because you systematically and deliberately ruined it.
You got what you wanted. Now go cry some more that you ruined the best thing you ever had.
Cooper Garcia
>you fucked the relationship up and fucked her up Yeah mistakes happen, gigantic ones aswell, and it's human nature to regret decisions one has taken earlier.
I'm fully aware of the colossal fuck-up I've done here, and I'm asking for help.
>You got what you wanted. This is even more autistic thinking than what got me into this mess in the first place. Because clearly I did not want this, clearly I was conflicted, clearly I was confused, clearly I wasn't thinking straight, I made a MISTAKE. I did not WANT THIS.
Asher Lopez
apologize for being a retard, cut contact completely, endure the pain, move on, don't make the same mistake in the future
I'm not asking for help how to move on, I can do that. I want help to patch this up, even if the chances are miniscule, I'll take them
Justin Thomas
Not him but, if you want her you have to fight for her. Show her that you know you made a mistake and you regret it and take actions to change and be more involved in her life. But if you won't have conversations about the future, even in the entire relationship before that drifting apart point, it's likely that you never really saw a future with her anyway so just do what the other anons are saying and learn from this for next time and move on. I personally believe first relationships are special and you should fight for them, but if the two people are ambivalent as you two seem to be then there's no helping drifting apart. My boyfriend and I (both of our first relationships, we were kissless virgins before this) are international extreme long distance and have been together for two years and if he didn't talk to me or text me even for a day I would know there's a problem and ask him what's wrong and feel hurt. Bottom line is that I've learned that the distance is what you allow it to be and it sounds like you two would drift apart regardless if you drifted apart in these circumstances. If you want to repair it then take real actions and steps to do so and fight for it, but don't expect it not to happen again in the future unless you both quit the bullshit and talk seriously and have real perspective shifts on the relationship.
Brandon Stewart
have you told her that you intentionally sabotaged it because reasons?
Thank you for your post, I will take it to heart. I've sought help from my mother aswell, and it helps that she's a professional counselor on related/similar matters.
I will fight for this. I think I've passed the panic-crying stage, took me three days of crying my eyes out 12h a day atleast. I will write a letter sometime in the next 1-3 weeks, probably around 2 weeks. I will write down everything, the fact that I love her more than anything and that I will move mountains and planets if that's required for her, that I don't give a fuck about miniscule differences in opinions, fuck that, and that I want to share the rest of my life with her and want to create a family with her. (We've talked about baby names btw..)
And I will ask her to please reply about how she feels about this. If she has any shred of emotion left for me, which I think she does, then that she please let it be known and that we can talk and discuss and give this another go, and that if she doesn't, that she state it clearly and loudly so that I don't go around wondering what could've been. And I will more easily be able to move on. That's what I'm going to do.
Yes, she refused to accept that's the reason we slowly drifted apart. She claims she noticed no difference in my behaviour Spiteful little creature
Levi Roberts
Thank you again for understanding and for your thoughtful post
Jack Adams
No problem, user. Life takes different paths for everyone and sometimes it takes almost losing something to wake you up. I hope that, whatever the outcome, this motivates you to improve and live your life in the best way you can. I hope that this works out for you and you two learn and grow from this and never take each other for granted again.
Robert Garcia
Wow that’s pretty gay Sounds like you could make up in one conversation and have great sex afterward
Brody White
youre being too emotinoal, never be emotinoal to women cause they will see it as weakness, always stay centered
