My husband and i agreed that we don‘t want to coddle each other and be honest if something‘s bothering us

My husband and i agreed that we don‘t want to coddle each other and be honest if something‘s bothering us.
The issue is that if i‘d tell my husband all the stuff he does in the span of 24h that bothers me, he‘d pack his bags and be out the door faster than i could say „but that doesn‘t mean i don‘t love you“.
What should i do?

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Pick which battle is worth fighting.

Why didn't you do anything about these before getting married?

How do i chose them and how do i know how many?
I feel like there are so many that would be important but i don‘t think he could take it.

Because some things only emerge after you got married and have kids.
Also, sometimes stuff that only used to be mildly annoying has piled up to „i can‘t take this anymore“.
And then there‘s also the fact that people change. Maybe stuff that didn‘t use to bother me now does bother me. And he also definitely has changed in ways that i‘m not happy with 100%.


Perhaps start small? We don't know what he's actually doing since you haven't said, but maybe one week make it a focus for this one thing that's bothering you. Then next week another thing, etc.

Can you give examples of things that only came up after marriage?

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he‘s no longer the guy i „signed up for“.
When we met, he was very disciplined and straight edge. I really liked that about him because that‘s what i wanted as my kid‘s future role model. It‘s also what inspired me to do better myself.
Since then he has started to smoke, drink almost every day, he hasn‘t exercised in 3 years and all he does as soon as he‘s home is stare into a screen and numb his brain with fast dopamine hits with no real life value.
I get that work is exhausting. I get that he sometimes needs some time out. I get that it‘s stressful having little kids. But that is exactly why i was looking for someone with a lot of self discipline. Sometimes i really wonder where that all went. And it makes me feel slight disgust with him. Which in turn isn‘t exactly helping our sex life. It‘s just one huge rat tail.
I‘m no saint either, i won‘t hide that.
But at least i TRY to not let exhaustion eliminate all my self discipline. He doesn‘t even see it as an issue.

And then there‘s small stuff that piles on top.
Like that he keeps scattering his mess around the house. I don‘t mind it if that happens a few times. But if it‘s always the same things i‘ve told him bothers me, i can‘t help but feel like he has zero respect for the work i do around the house.

That doesn't sound nice indeed. Have you tried the approach of, let's do something together? Like, let's do a week of not drinking? Let's go exercise together?

I don‘t drink at all, so that would just be me telling him to not drink for a week.
I‘ve told him that i‘d prefer him seeking healthier coping techniques and that i‘m not thrilled with him not treating his body with respect.
It‘s also that i‘m not his mom nor his babysitter. I don‘t want him to exercise or not smoke for the sake of it. I‘d want him to exercise and not drink because it reflects his own values and mindset and is a manifestation of his mental strength. Not because he doesn‘t want to disappoint his wife. I don‘t need a subservient husband, i need a husband with strong principles. I want his motivation to take care of himself be intrinsic and not superficial and to shut me up.

God I wish I had met a woman like you.

How about trying to go together for a run a few times a week? Or biking?

That would once again be me guilt tripping him into tagging along with me.
I miss that fierceness in him that he once possessed. That drive to be the best version of him self. I don‘t know if i have contributed in kiling that off or if that’s just the reality of being married since now he has his wife and family, why even bother? How would i have done that? And then the fault would definitely have been on my side since i mistook his discipline for principles and not just making himself desirable for pussy. Which makes me feel even more disgusted with his choices desu. I never wanted to have a husband who‘s only reason to better himself was to get laid. I was looking for a real man with a purpose. Either he was phenomenal in faking that or i was too stupid to see reality. Probably a mic of both. Oh well...

How long were you dating before marriage and what was the age you got married? It sounds like he just slowly settled into marriage and started taking things for granted. A successful marriage takes constant work from both. Have you considered marriage counseling? It's not as scary as it sounds nor is it in any way a sign of defeat.

2 years and we were 26 and 28.
Yes, we have considered that. But honestly, i‘m not sure our issues are about communication but more about general values and i don‘t see how couples counseling would help with that. But yeah, you‘re right, we could at least give it a try.

Open communication is never a bad thing. It sounds like you are not doing your part either if you never tell him anything is wrong. He probably has no idea and thinks everything is great and rosy because you have never told him about the issues.

How honest were you in communicating this issue to him?
You are eloquent and can put your finger on precisely what bothers you. Be honest, straight forward, warm-hearted not judgemental, and say precisely what you described in this thread that bothers you.

You can't just "wish" him to develop those traits again by doing nothing. I think you have to give some reasonable resistance.

No, no! Out communication is pretty good (aside from me not telling him that i‘m disappointed in his lack of self discipline. I think he would take that rather badly...)
I do tell him what‘s bothering me but in small and (i hope) manageable doses. I guess what i‘m searching for is the balls to tell him how i really feel without feeling like a monster.
See, i love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don‘t want to hurt him but i also don‘t want to coddle him and not be honest to spare his feels. Idk how to find a good balance there.

I agree with you, and i‘m actually ashamed that i don‘t have enough confidence in his resilience to just be honest.
I mean, i do trust myself to be able to tell him what‘s bothering me without getting ugly about it. I‘m just not sure he could also take it in like that.
It‘s never pleasant to hear that someone isn‘t impressed with your actions. And i can imagine it being even worse if it comes from someone you love and want to be happy with you. That‘s why i‘m holding back. Any suggestions on how to get over this?

"Triage" is the process by which emergency rooms sort out and prioritize the urgent from the "can wait" cases.

Perform triage on your gripes. Most of them will fall into the "Actually I can probably live with this" pile. Some will be "This really needs fixing" and a surprising few into "This really needs fixing NOW"

Forget the first group. Take the last group one at a time, and leave lots of room between them so it doesn't seem like the minute he fixes one thing you're on about another.

Ok, thanks user!
I‘ll try that.

>man slaves away all day to afford the lifestyle you want
>works to provide a decent life his kids
>"uhggg, why can't he keep being a chiseled god!"
>"like, seriously, who wants to run away from the horrors of modern society!?"
You probably shouldn't have married him and subjected him to this. Either file for a divorce or shut the fuck up

Well, it will be hard and there is no trick to avoid the hardship. The best route is just to be straight up.

Make sure in your heart before you talk to him, that you do love him, no matter what. Then you can come from a loving and abundant place when telling him. When it feels like your love is dependent on his deeds, that would really demoralize him.

Clearly your communication needs improvement. You not telling him what's wrong is not helping him or anyone. Do you really think he is so weak he couldn't take it? You continuing to live like this is worse than whatever could happen if you straight up told him there is a serious problem and you need to solve it.

I really don‘t feel like i love him less because if this. I don‘t think my love depends on it. It would just make living together and, well, looking up to him a lot easier. And honestly, i would want to be able to look up to him. The problem is just that it takes a lot for me to look up to someone.
Not that i think i‘m so good, but because i don‘t see any reason to look up to someone who‘s not setting a rather gigh Standard.

I‘ll work on having the courage to be honest about this and i‘ll try my best to not break his spirit.
Thanks user for all your help! It‘s appreciated.

I agree. It‘s not bad, but there‘s definitely room for improvement.
I‘m not sure why i think he‘s not strong enough to take it. I guess it‘s because when i told him stuff that i‘m not happy with in the past he took it very personal and as an attack on him. Which has never been my intention. I just didn‘t wanted stuff to stand between us and grow bigger than necessary. But i guess that‘s exactly what has happened with the issue discussed itt.

>If you don't drink for a week I'll give you a nice message baby :)
>If you help clean once a month, I'd really find that hot
>Cook 8 times a month and I'll let you fuck my ass baby

In other words, did yoy try turning it off and on again?

Really? What mental child would use sex as a currency? I have sex with my husband because i enjoy it and i desire him, not because he has done some chores around the house. He‘s not a fucking puppy user...

Also, my issue is not about wanting him to do what‘s my job. My issue is that i miss some mental strength in him.

>Really? What mental child would use sex as a currency? I have sex with my husband because i enjoy it and i desire him, not because he has done some chores around the house. He‘s not a fucking puppy user...
You're missing my point.
Personally I like this type of approach because it's clear what my girl wants me to do in this situation.
>Also, my issue is not about wanting him to do what‘s my job. My issue is that i miss some mental strength in him.
It might help with that too, who knows?
>I didn't drink for a week, helped clean the house and made food for my wife, this feels great and she appreciates me doing this so much she wants to have sex!
It's not like I know anything about you guys but this is pretty general stuff that makes men work I guess.