I beat myself up from anger when I cannot concentrate on task. Never...

I beat myself up from anger when I cannot concentrate on task. Never, in my life could I focus on anything not straightforward that I'm not interested in, it's like when I try to tackle it more recursions begin cycling in my brain andAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. And I'm beating my stupid fucking face and useless fucking head that makes me beat itself

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I am supposed to be in control of myself why do I have such a fart-long attention span. In such cases of self-inflicted wrath I look up on Internet whether ADHD exists or not and then try to persuade myself using found arguments that it doesn't because its existence would mean that I'm a victim, I'm sick, and incapable of changing myself naturally, but it's much more natural for me than just biting a bullet and doing things

Sometimes I think about using Adderall to have a first step in a feedback loop, but this thoughts come with so many doubts and thoughts and doubts....

why don't you do things that you enjoy?

I have a same issue for me warming up to the subject, by research or watching other do it, helps, but also stop thinking about the end-game, try to forget the results and focus on enjoying the task.

you could try staying away from computer more often, if that's an issue.

sorry for reddit-spacing I don't know why I did that

I want to just escape things I don't want to do like a monk and then exclusively work on things that interest me (not consumption). Or I want to be locked up in a basement and be given food only if I do my all my daily things. I have a choice paralysis between hobbies and homework. When I choose former, I easily concentrate on it and spend hours doing it, when I choose latter, I feel like I've lead a horse that isn't thirsty to the source of water.

I do, but I fear that I would miss out too much (to the extent of losing ability to do things I like) if I don't do things that I dislike. And I fear that I will eventually get to hate things I like now.

what are some task that you think you have to force yourself to do?

To do my homework and the freshman project and even to decide in which order I am going to do them and how to combine them with my hobbies, honestly, how feeble creature I am, even people from my group do better than me. Sometimes, I attribute the college being their main interest or lack of other hobbies and choices in life to their superiority over me in terms of discipline.

I just want to forget about my "freedom of choice", I want to be just a robot sometimes.

Are you sure college is worth it? maybe you'd be better of with apprenticeship. some traits sometimes are heritable and environment can only change thing to a degree, maybe you are stuck being undisciplined, instead of forcing yourself you could figure out a way how to get around it, maybe find a job you enjoy. maybe even invest more time into your hobbies, if they are productive.
don't forget that just because you are undisciplined doesn't mean you are destined to be a failure or inferior.
are you trying to do thing because you are interested in them or do you think they are good and prestigious thing to do and if you don't do that you are a pleb or something?

I am unsure in everything. I haven't even set my belief system, my epistemology. Sometimes I just want to stop thinking, I just want to sleep or do.
My hobbies are productive, but it would take years for me to reach competitive level in it, and one of the main things that keeps me in college is military draft in my country. Also, I was interested in college subject when I was in high school, but now it seems like a chore and competition, yes, I no longer feel like a snowflake.

Fuck, OP... Never gas anyone describes my experiences so well

ADHD brother
it is highly treatable

No pills

why

Same user, same
Although I think if we were robots, then we would be begging for freedom of choice. Fuck

How? ADHD doesn't exist in my country

I hate college and love hobbies, because my hobbies are a static goal, and college is an always moving goal, that always seems too close to put any effort in it. I wanna do things at my own pace. I bet I have to grow up.

Is job better than uni at this point? I've heard that there is still homework, shit, all I need is a truly free time.

I try to blame nothing and no one, except my will, I try to discipline and punish myself in healthy limits, but this never works without external motivation that changes my life.
Lately, I'm thinking about giving up and doing what I'm interested in, abandoning college, and if I fuck up completely, I'll just end my misery.

I feel so alienated from Jow Forums anons that struggle in dating, if they are interested in having a girlfriend and socializing why don't they try to reach their goal, even with baby steps. When I wanted a gf I had found her in a week, but we broke up after 6 months because she was like college, taking away my energy and time, I couldn't concentrate on her. Still, you might say that I have an interest, even an obsession, in escaping all of this shit or achieving inner peace, but I'm literally thinking about it every day, and I don't see an exit, I just wait for something special to happen.

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I've come late to classes today and haven't been accepted, fuck. I guess I'm really a wretched scum, and all my childhood dreams are in vain, because after all, you are what you do, not what you say you will do. Sometimes I want to do a suicide attempt to make people loving me stop expecting so much, but I'm afraid it will cause even more suffering and employment problems due to being mentally ill.

Is it that no one cannot help me? Is it even fixable, or do people like me end up being homeless or overdosing? I don't know how to live.

I just want to be in peace with myself, I just want a rest, I just want a direction, I just want to invest effort effortlessly, I just want to effortlessly concentrate.
If a tightrope walker ever thinks about purpose or himself or anything, he loses his focus and loses his balance, I want to be a tightrope walker in a metaphorical sense.

I feel that the more I whine on Cambodian bone carving forums the more I lose belief in myself. If I don't stop it, I might hit an event horizon where I cannot stop this positive feedback loop. I almost lost any hope that I will get any advice on this board.

Shit, I think I should have used some lewd anime pic in original post.

Sometimes I think that everybody struggles with it, but they overcome it. But other times I think I'm predestined to suck in discipline.

Shit, okay, "I want a girlfriend, but I'm fat and ugly, and she is hanging out with someone fatter and uglier than me. What should I do?"

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In case I find a therapist, I'll show him this thread, but I don't believe someone besides myself can help me.

Bump, cringe more on my sincerity.